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"You didn't get married to be tortured."

ChiefGrownup's picture

SD15 is so nasty to me that it depressed me all week. I blogged about it here and thank you for all your kind comments and support. I realized I was getting in dangerous territory with my depressed feeings.

Last night I told DH I couldn't take it any more and had to make some changes. Beginning with I would not be home for tonight's dropoff. I usually make a family meal for Friday nights and I told him I just couldn't go through one more of those where she chatters her head off and subtly and not so subtly makes sure I'm excluded from the entire dinner conversation.

DH has worked on this particular issue but at the end of the day he's an engineer, not a professional talk show host and really it's not fair to expect him to be able to direct a quadrilateral conversation with a renegade member. I end up fuming silently at best and at worst erasing myself out of existence for the whole evening. And that's just the kickoff to the rest of the weekend.

My husband was very saddened by this whole discussion but even more so he knew it had been a bad blue week for me and was already thinking about how to fix this. I am a naturally happy person--annoyingly so as my kind (sarcasm) stepdaughter has let me know at the top her snarkiest voice--so me not being able to cheer myself up for days on end is very noticeable and alarming.

While I would still recommend taking normal parenting steps, in a female style I guess, such as removing more privileges and taking corrective actions in an ascending scale, DH feels now the only answer is to keep her away from me more and that means keeping her away from himself as well. This morning he took steps to have her mother keep her more often...a prelude to possibly having her never in our home at all for the immediate future.

I'm very sad about this development. He feels he has tried everything he's personally capable of doing and she continues to disappoint him and drive me nuts. So he's letting go of her. He's hoping she'll realize behavior really does have natural consequences and straighten up, but he's willing to risk that she won't.

As for me, I'm done insisting on this or that as it relates to her. Whatever he wants to do is fine with me, but I have to take care of myself. That girl has two parents already, the only person I'm responsible for is me and I cannot allow myself to be pushed into a clinical depression.

I did some research and found that how I was feeling was completely normal and predictable. It was NOT that I was overly sensitive or my expectations for a teen were too high.

A) "When a person is ostracized, the brain's dorsal anterior cingulate cortex, which registers physical pain, also feels this social injury...."

Dirol "Again and again research has found that strong, harmful reactions are possible even when ostracized by a stranger or for a short amount of time."

C)"People who are ostracized suffer deeply, including the obvious loss of self-esteem and depression, but also including physiological symptoms such as ulcers, suppression of the immune system, anxiety, psychosis (in prolonged isolation, such as prisoners kept in solitary confinement), and a loss of feeling valued or having any meaningful existence. But perhaps more troubling is the rage that is associated with being ostracized."

And, yes, the research specifies this is just as true when the ostracizing is committed by a family member, even a child.

For any of you who might be interested, here are links to just a couple of the articles:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/05/110510151216.htm
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-bullying/201309/the-silence-s...

During our discussion last night, as I was telling him her complete absence was not really what I was hoping for he said, "You didn't get married to be tortured."

That is so so so so true. It really describes what I've been going through for 2 years now. I have definitely had enough and I am lucky to have a husband who really will go this far for me.

I feel bad for my husband about seeing his daughter less. I feel bad for both of us that we couldn't just go on our merry way with the happy home life we both envisioned. I even feel bad for the fifteen year old girl who is missing out on so much by her stubborn desire to be mean.

But I do feel more optimistic than I have felt all week. The only person I'm in charge of, me, is not going to have to go through the weekly assault on the psyche any more.

Comments

ChiefGrownup's picture

Click on the links and read. You may find yourself showing them to your husband. Solidarity, sister.

Needalifeboat's picture

Same here. The skids told SO how annoying it is that I'm happy and smiling a lot. They compared me to Donna Reed (which they are way too young to even know so that had to come from BM). They don't like me because I'm happy. Craziest thing I've ever heard.

Needalifeboat's picture

It is a sad thing but she's forcing your hand. I do believe that spouses have to come first to each other, yes even before children. You two are partners and if she won't respect you then she shouldn't be allowed to continue to be in your home.

And really, she will probably pull the victim thing. Poor me, my dad is horrible because he cares about his wife more than me. Boohoo kid. Be respectful, act like a human being and no choice needs to be made.

Maybe I'm becoming jaded by my own experience but these kids are so entitled, so mean and so disrespectful. They need to learn at some point that the entire universe does not hinge on whether or not they are happy.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Oh, yes, she will pull the victim thing. No doubt about it.

You are so right, the spouses have to come first or the whole family falls apart. My own dearest husband is now putting his money where his mouth is on that one. At great cost to himself. But he feels he has to.

ChiefGrownup's picture

"A lot of us would give anything for that."

I know it, yes, yes, I know it. It's why I took the time to write the post, frankly. It is so very significant, I knew everyone here would want to hear it.

Thanks for your comment, yes, I am letting him do it and stepping back.

Steppy MN2's picture

That's what I say. How lucky you are. My SD 17 also made a point of exlcuding me, not acknowledging me, would talk to everyone else at dinner (endlessly I might add) and not even look at me. Everytime I brought it up to DH, he blamed me, time after time. At one point,after I insisted she gave me a well-rehearsed apology and so many excuses why she was the victim because of all the pressure from school and work (wah wah). And he made a point of spending more time with her. I honestly think that he was happy she was treating me that way because he did very little about it.
He has since moved out (about a month ago) and sent me divorce papers.
Finally, peace.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Yikes. Yes, I'm very fortunate. He is a super good man and it's why I was willing to go through a lot for him. I tried things his way for a long time and he was able to acknowledge that last night and acknowledge that I did those things against my better judgment. So he was good and ready to say I'd done enough.

Your situation sounds horrible and you are much better off without that nightmare. Sorry that idiot didn't know a good thing when he had it.

Steppy MN2's picture

It always help to have support. Thank you and I hope your DH continues to love and support you like he does. Sounds like you have a good one.

weekendwidow's picture

Good for you for speaking up for yourself. Good for DH for hearing you. After SD is all grown up and leaves the nest, it'll just be the 2 of you. He needs to honor and respect YOU and he is! This is very similar to what happened to us in our home. Just because DH shares DNA with this child, doesn't automatically mean a relationship is to be had.

I stepped away from my skids and let DH have a relationship with them all on his own. They clearly didn't want or need me around. They didn't like that either so THEY walked out on DH. He hasn't spoken to either one of them in months...and it's been great.

Stand your ground and give your DH a great big hug (and whatever else he wants Wink ) He's clearly put his wife and his marriage first. That's a BIG deal!

ChiefGrownup's picture

"Done trying." Yup. Yuppers. Yippety yup yup.

Sorry about your DH, I will give mine an extra squeeze for sure.

ChiefGrownup's picture

"...realize what DH couldn't do with his own daughter, no stepparent is going to be able to do."

Da-yum, them's powerful words. Really powerful.

I also like your term "iced" - very descriptive and packs the emotional punch of what's really going on.

I have to believe that your daughter behaving decently to her stepmother also had a lot to do with her own mother, who must have let her know long ago that she is expected to be a person of good character. So good on you, aswang.

I wish the BM in our case would have held up at least more than 5% of the parenting but she hasn't. She's not evil, she's just blah. So it's no wonder that my DH doesn't have every single base covered. He's got most of them, but every human is allowed one or two blind spots. BTW, he hasn't sided with her on the icing, he's gotten after in a million ways. But she's expert at doing things the minute he steps out of the room or answers the phone. Some of what goes on right in front of him she knows will be beyond his ability to control.

Great comment, thanks for taking the time.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Well, he has had a few anvil bonks in the last 2 years! Ha! But yes, he's a treasure. It was emotionally draining to find out how far he would go for me. It's a good thing, but a bittersweet thing and a humbling thing.

Thanks for your kind words.

luchay's picture

Hmmmmm - this is so timely for me.

After spending yet another weekend where the OH spent the majority of his time locked away with the step-brats while I sat on my own. When I enter a room all conversation stops and the brats leave the room. OH then goes off to find them and stays locked away in rooms with them. And if I dare to complain *I* am the problem... he just wants to make the most of the limited time he has with them, he can't MAKE them talk to me, acknowledge my presence, stay in the room with me yada yada yada, blah blah blah.

I am so sick and tired of feeling like an outsider in my own home.

Steppy MN2's picture

What kind of terrible people is your DH teaching the skids to be? Icing someone like that is ostracizing and bullying. Why would he sit by and watch people, even his kids, treat you like that? Oh wait, that's what my DH did to me..............said he didn't even notice his BD was doing it!
These guys really need to pull their heads out of their kid's butts!
Oh well I got divorce papers a couple weeks ago and all my complaining about his daughters's treatment of me precipitated it.
Good luck,hope your situation has a happier ending than mine.

luchay's picture

Yeah, after biting my tongue, staying in the background all weekend and "giving" them the space, time etc they want I finally got pissy about it when yet again he just vanished and was later found locked away with the two of them in SD's room - I had made dessert, we were just waiting on it cooking and he was sitting with me, spending a brief 10 minutes LOL and then he is just gone.

I finally went up and found him - told them dessert was ready, and yes I was annoyed. He then got angry and had a go at me, How dare *I* be annoyed, etc. The same old BS all the time.

I am just so sick and tired of him allowing this.

ChiefGrownup's picture

How long has this been going on? You cannot live like this indefinitely. One day you will find your whole personality really has changed and you are making an appt with a doc in hopes of getting an anti-depressant scrip.

I hope you find a way to get through to your husband. It is very difficult for these men to understand and see. But hopefully if you hang in there and he figures it out, you will have a happier outcome than Steppy did.

BTW, we are having an awesome weekend, the three of us: DH, SS12, and me. The icing behavior is nowhere to be seen. She's at her mom's. He really did do it.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Chief ~

I have found my treasure as well ~ after years of my SD tormenting my daughter. I was done telling my SD I can no longer allow your daughter in my home for plain and simple disrespect for everyone in my family. My children n I moved back home after my husband passed away ~ I am all my children have ~ this is MY home. My rules n if he/she didn't like it ~ they both can go kick rocks. I would/could not waiver on anything. This home is my children's safe have n I will not allow Verica Salt infiltrate my home ~ it took a heart to heart for my DF to see my point. I point blank told him I will not sacrifice my children's mental health to give your daughter an 8th chance. My children have no where else to go. Your daughter can't act properly she can go live with Tinkerdouche !!!!

ChiefGrownup's picture

What a nickname you gave her!

Yes, setting a firm boundary works wonders. Don't know why so many of these parent are afraid to do it. "8th chance." That really resonated with me. I heard it one too many times myself.

Thanks for sharing your story here.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I think most parents think that they feel bad for their kid having a broken home n feel like their kid is in entities to their feekings like it's the 1st amendment. Freedom of speech ~ that to me is bullshit.

Nowadays all these tv shows n music lyrics give these kids a platform to act as they wish without any consequences. Plus when you parent with a narcassist you get the crazy ass female dog. All entitled with the attitude.

ChiefGrownup's picture

That's exactly the part I don't get. They feel bad for the "broken" home, so now they are going to make their kid even more warped? Huh?!?

And, yes, the other parent, the ex, certainly does influence things massively. Sigh.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I know after my hubby passed away ~ I found myself trying whatever I could to out a smile of my kids face ~ even if it was going against something I believed.

After a hard look at what I was doing ~ I came to the conclusion ~ I love my kids to death. Am I sad for them ? Yes !! But giving them things is only going to make life difficult for then cause ~ they won't learn that hard work pays off. My situation is different ~ in that my kids have no daddy there for EOWE.

My DF was in the situation of having his veruca everyday after school till TD was done work n had her EOWE. The competition with who was the cooler, more liked parent. Ugghhh the thought of this thought process made me want to puke. You dumb ass fools all you are doing is playing right into SD's hands. She will play you like a violin ~ don't ever under estimate a kids manipulation !!!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Thank you aswang ! I TRY my best !!!

I thinks it's hard to parent with someone who is a square peg trying to make it work with a round whole.

I think when you try to parent with someone you loath, have zero respect for and never loved them but entered into a marriage for all the wrong reason. Will it ever really work ?

DF & I " love " each other ~ have mutual " respect " for one another ! We can make it work cause we ultimately do want to be together. He Finally realizes that her not being around is for a reason. I have had 3 years of drama free life n it has been heaven. It's hard to parent with crazy ~ I tried n tried to do the right thing for her but it didn't matter.