CONTEMPLATING DIVORCE OVER SD
I don't even know where to begin...there is just so much. But here it goes.
I recently got married to a man who has full custody of his daughter. Bio mom is not in the picture and really never has been. I have two daughter 6 and 7 with SD right in the middle. I share custody and have a wonderful relationship with my ex husband. I have our girls during the week so that they all can go to same school, establish a routines, and so forth. So we pretty much have children in our home at all times.
I knew the closeness of age and the fact that my Husband and I discipline very different would be a problem but I never thought it would be this bad. It really has gotten so bad that I don't even like the person I become around my SD and dread spending any time with her especially as a "family". Not only has she been recently diagnosed with ADHD, but ODD as well. my SD6 is highly manipulative, gets enjoyment from hurting others, purposely leaves the other sister out, shows no compassion or remorse, selfish, and is very defiant towards authority. It has gotten so bad that most of my friends (with daughters as well) will not come over and only invite MY bio-daughters if there is any invitation at all. My SD has no friends at school and has completely ostracized herself from neighborhood friends because of her behavior. She doesnt play well with others and I really have tried to help her but as of now, the bridges are burned.
I believe a huge reason for why she is like this is because it was only her and her daddy before I came along. She is the only grandchild in the family (My husbands parents are very involved)and has been spoiled rotten I believe out of guilt for the mothers absence. The bio-mom also used hard drugs during her pregnancy and that clearly has affected SD behavior. She is tolerable when she is by herself but you bring ANYONE else that will share the spotlight, then it's a problem with her. After almost a couple years trying to help the situation, it really hasn't gotten better and i fear that it will get worse as she gets older.
My husband is on board for whatever needs to be done but it always seems to be me doing anything (researching - calling doctors) especially disciplinary and I feel a lot of resentment happening between SD and I. Also the grandparents are in denial about the deliberate beavior and feel and treat her as if she can't help it. She is so much worse when coming back from grandparents or just over at the house because they let her get away with EVERYTHING!
A few recent examples of her behavior are:
**Will not share stuff thats not even hers to begin with! My daughters are always sharing their coloring stuff, papers, books, etc. I have never seen her share anything in 2 years - for real!
**Hiding or throwing away her sister's important award (An award for stellar behavior no less)
**We were all playing the board game, Sorry, the other night - 3/4s into the same, I realized no SORRY cards have been played (Of course not - my SD hid them)
**While I was purposely eavesdropping on their conversation during snack, she thought it was funny to put a pencil in my coffee and did just that. Last week we had a conversation about how pencil has lead and lead is poisonous.
And yes, it has come to that - I do eavesdrop on their conversations and almost always I am appaled at how my SD treats her step-sisters. She is bossy and very clear when speaking however when she is being spoken to by an adult, she will baby talk or more often, not answer you at all and grunt, roll her eyes whatever. I am just over it. I do not like the way my biodaughters get treated by her nor do I like the person I become when all this happens. My biodaughters are probably more mature about it than me. Saying that we need to help my SD and that God put us here to help SD. My daughters who are 6 and 7 feel this way! Im not saying my bio daughters are perfect, far from it but they have hearts of gold and compassion. Very opposite from my SD and it is very obvious. everyday there is constant bickering and Im about to go nuts!
I am really questioning whether this situation is good for my daughters. We moved into their home 8 months ago and everyday my SD makes it very clear that this is HER HOUSE and my daughters really don't feel at home here and neither do I really. My daughters are constantly getting good marks and praises at school which I love but I think it makes SD feel even worse and then therefore acting even more negatively towards them and me. I don't want her to feel like the problem child but maybe having well-behaved siblings this close in age is not good for her. The situation doesn't appear to be good for me, that's for sure but Im more worried about my children both bio and step. Please help!!
My DH is on board and says he
My DH is on board and says he will do whatever he can. But saying and doing are different things
Oh and yes I am aware of the pencil but she isn't. Kids were talking about it. It's her malicious intentions that scare me.
It sounds like she may need
It sounds like she may need counseling. If her behaviour is like this at 6, it could get worse when she gets older. I dont know if I would get a divorce over this unless your DH is doing something to make your life miserable, that seems like a big step. I would really sit down and have a convo with DH if you haven't already. I would really consider counseling for her though. Maybe she is having a really hard time adjusting and just wants attention, even if it's bad. Good luck! I hope this works out for you. (((hugs)))
I agree. We didn't "live"
I agree. We didn't "live" together before getting married so it was hard to gage just how difficult it would be. Maybe we should have but we wanted to set a good example for our girls. Some kind of example, I know. I also think I just had this notion that things would get better.
She was doing "play" therapy
She was doing "play" therapy for awhile but it didn't really seem to work. She is also on ADHD medication and that helped at home for the first week but it seems to be helping considerably with schoolwork. Its just seems to be getting worse. My DH is very phlegmatic and doesn't see this as a huge problem like I do. Mainly to appease me as opposed to helping his daughter! I have found many child behavior therapists in area, but I strongly feel he needs to step up. We have been working extensively with our church pshychologist and she has encouraged me to give him 40 days as to see a significant difference. Ironically, the 40 days ends on Valentines Day. We will separate if it hasn't improved. I appreciate having this place to vent and all the responses. A blended family brings an infinite number of problems and situations that can be very difficult to deal with!
DH needs to get this kid a
DH needs to get this kid a new therapist-one who works with kids with ODD and ADHD.
It sounds like she is a
It sounds like she is a budding sociopath. Unfortunately, it can not be counseled out of someone. So I hope I'm wrong. But dh needs to tell the grandparents that if they don't stop what they're doing, they won't see her until they do. Everyone needs to get on board with the same plan so that it is more evident what's going on and no one can blame things on the grandparents, or the dad, or the kids, or you. Remove all excuses and develop a behavior modification plan. A counselor can help with this. EVERYONE should use the same plan, even teachers when possible.
Bullies need their asses
Bullies need their asses kicked. Even and aggressive 6.5yo can easily be pummeled by a 6 and 7yo teaming up to deal with the problem. So, unleash your own children to deal with the issue. A pop to the nose any time SD pulls her bullshit will resolve the problem eventually.
I have no tolerance for this kind of crap. ZERO. As a kid I was occassionally bullied and it continued until I learned that getting hit hurts if I am fighting back or not. So I started fighting back and the bullying stopped fairly quickly. It took a severly split lip that required consmetic reconstruction for the guy that made the mistake of jumping on my back and knocking me down but tough shit to him. After that the rest of the bullies got the message to leave me alone. And they did. Interestingly my increased confidence and reputation for not tolerating bullying upped my social standing in Jr. HS.
Your SD needs this message and the message needs to be delivered by her two sisters in a way that SD clearly will not want repeated. Any minor bullshit violation needs a bloody nose from the sisters IMHO. Eventually SD will learn to keep her toxic behavior in check because the consequences will be decidedly unpleasant.
IMHO of course.
My exhusband had some friends
My exhusband had some friends from college (married couple) who's oldest daughter had Oppositional Defiance Disorder and ADHD. There is no home remedy or routine or parenting method that is going to help her. Your SD HAS to get professional help and you all need family counseling to get through this or you might as well end it now. Your DH HAS to get in gear and do this. It will not get better.
And no offense, Rags, but do you have any experience at all with kids with special needs? ODD and ADD do fall under that category. No, SD's behavior is NOT to be tolerated but allowing the kid to have his ass kicked for what you perceive as bullying is bullshit. My son has autistic spectrum. His cousin has a severe behaviorial problem as a result of an alphabet soup of shit. The kids can't help it sometimes, they need professional help. She's fucking SIX. She needs a doctor's help not someone to beat on her.
I was in a very similar
I was in a very similar situation- I had 2 boys, 2 years apart and SD 2 years older than the oldest (all 2 years apart). Mom was pretty much out of the picture, grandparents doted on her, dad had spoiled her (out of guilt) etc. etc. I thought she needed a "mom" figure and was happy to try to fill that role. Like your husband, mine said he was on board for changes; however, he always left the work up to me (appointments, discipline, etc). My kids were good, did very well and school and I assumed if she was treated the same, she would improve... wrong! We tried everything... numerous counselors, medicine, church, family group, etc. She was diagnosed as a compulsive liar at 10 years old and had ADHD. She was horrible in school, made failing grades,She lied, stole, was manipulative, spiteful, etc. etc. Instead of getting better things continued to get worse and worse. Looking back I now realize why she resented me (she had Daddy and grandparents compensating for "no mom" for so long she was spoiled rotten and then I suddenly came in with rules and expectations). I was wrong in the fact that I should have NEVER tried to take over, especially with discipline. That was HIS daughter and he should have made the time to do it. She resented me and my kids and did everything in her power to cause tremendous turmoil in our family. I kept thinking I could save our marriage and our family. I spent many many hours trying to help her (time spent away from my kids)and trying to make things work. I stayed, thinking it was best for my kids (money issues, plus that was the only dad they knew, blah, blah, blah) for over 10 years and after things were just so bad we finally divorced. Not until after the divorce did I realize the extent in which MY children suffered. Our house had been miserable because of SD and many times they were caught in the cross fire. After years and so much turmoil my husband became an increasingly negative, moody person and my children suffered because of that. I realized that unless everyone (biological mom and dad, step parents, grandparents) is onboard to implement change in structure and discipline, you are not going to change a childs behavior and many times there are too many other emotional issues to change it. In addition to that, any child is going to be resentful when someone new comes and and suddenly makes them listen, plus to have other "normal, good" kids come into the picture, only makes that child angry and resentful, thus causing more problems. My biggest regret... Ever getting married and trying to blend our families. My 2nd biggest regret... staying in it so long and actually damaging my own children so much more than I realized. I desperately wish I would have gotten out sooner and provided a more stable, healthier environment for my own kids. I am afraid you are facing a never ending battle and although I hurt for you and what your are doing through; I hurt most for your kids because they have no choice in the matter and your SDs behavior affects them so much. My advice: as hurtful as it is, get your kids out of the house and focus on them. You will never "fix" your SD; but you will allow her to damage your kids if you aren't careful. Good luck.
Punkin_punkin, Yes,
Punkin_punkin,
Yes, biological mom came back into the picture 4-5 years after we got together which only made things much worse because she allowed total freedom (regardless of grades, behavior, etc. no punishments ever). SD turned her mom, all grandparents, aunts, etc. on me with lies (although they KNEW she lied all the time and constantly admitted it, when it came to me, "it must be true".) Like I said, it was too much and my husband became depressed, moody, etc. and home was horrible. Yes, I am at a much healthier, happier place now but my kids are 15-17 years old and so much damage has been done, I don't think I can repair it before they leave home. Luckily we never had kids together but I desperately wish I would have gotten out YEARS earlier (dated 2 yrs, married 10 1/2= 12 1/2 years of hell)... I wish I could go back and give my kids a healthier, happier childhood. At this point there are some things I can never fix and I will always regret staying. I truly hope your story turns out much better.