Thanks for the Welcome!
Wow! I wasn't expecting to get so much feedback so soon! Before I go down the route of explaining my background, I'd just like to clarify a few things. Thank you for pointing out that "coexisting" was probably the wrong term to use, but in the future I'll explain situations where them being near one another may be important. Secondly, I was never married to my ex. We had a child together, that's it. Other than being the mother of my son, she holds no value to me. So when I say wife, she's my 1st and only wife.
Anyways, I'll start by going back to how my son was born. Im 30 now, but when I was 24 visiting home from college, my younger brother and his friend were hanging out at the house. His friends mom stopped by to pick her son up and that's how we met. She was 32. We started talking, and hanging out. She told me that she couldn't get pregnant because she only had one ovary and her tubes were tied. We eventually had sex. I knew she was pregnant but she always told me that it was some one else's. Fast forward, 2 years later, i got hit with a paternity test followed by child support. Due to my job, I live in a different state than her, so whenever I could, I'd take a long weekend off here and there to go see my son. Unfortunately, my ex would tell me that I couldn't see my child unless I promised to be with her intimately. This went on for months. Anytime i tried to date another woman, she'd threaten to take my kid away and since i have no court established rights, I fed into this fear. That was until i met my now wife. She didn't give into my ex's games and she held her gound when my ex constantly contacted her through Facebook trying to scare her off.
Continuing to visit my son after i got married wasn't any different. My wife supported that. She has a background in child development, and because of my son's bad behavior, she encouraged these visits stating that he needed me. But after we had our daughter, she started saying that she didn't want my son to come visit us anymore. He would only visit a few times a year, but she said it's because she doesn't trust him around the baby. I understand why she thinks this. His behavior is horrible. He throws fits, screams, yells, throws things. He's hit other kids and has been extremely aggressive towards family pets. So my wife said I can go visit him but he is not welcome in our house anymore.
But here's my current problem. In a few weeks, my wife and I will be taking a visit down to our families. (Both our families live in the same town.) But we'll be staying at my parents house. My wife said I need to tell my parents that while we are there, my ex is not allowed around. Which is hard because my parents are very close with my ex and she's over there a lot. She also drops my son off and picks him up. My wife also mentioned she didn't want my son around the baby, but never said i wasn't allowed to see him. This is what i meant by "coexist."
I want to strongly reiterate, I have no feelings towards my ex. She got out of jail last month for 2 duis. She's constantly losing jobs and at 40 years old, she just moved back in with her parents where she shares a room with my son. Her parenting style is non existent. She's taught my son to lie, steal, manipulate, curse, and he's only 5. She doesn't make him eat anything he doesn't want to. His diet consists of chocolate chip cookies, mcdonalds, chocolate milk and soda. When I do visit, I'm told by her that I'm not allowed to dicipline him. That dicipline only makes him more upset and since I'm not in his life that much, i have no right to do anything. I've gone to court and fought for custody, only for it to be rejected. The court system completely favors mothers even if they're in rehab or jail, and it's BS.
So I understand where my wife is coming from. She doesn't want our daughter around a child she doesn't trust and she and I both don't want her exposed to my ex. But I don't know what to do. I want to have a nice visit with family without causing drama and I want to see my son without upsetting my wife. Stuff like this happens all the time and even though my wife never says it, I feel like she wants me to choose between her and our daughter, or my son. She never seemed to have an issue with me seeing my son until our daughter was born. I'm not sure if this is normal. If she's jealous or if it's purely for the safety of our daughter? Like I've said, insight from others going through this as a Step parent would be so helpful! My wife and daughter are absolutely #1 to me, but I dont want to give up on my son. I feel like without me, there's not a lot of hope for him to grow up to be a decent human being.