You are here

Thanks for the Welcome!

Chance3312's picture

Wow! I wasn't expecting to get so much feedback so soon! Before I go down the route of explaining my background, I'd just like to clarify a few things. Thank you for pointing out that "coexisting" was probably the wrong term to use, but in the future  I'll explain situations where them being near one another may be important. Secondly, I was never married to my ex. We had a child together, that's it. Other than being the mother of my son, she holds no value to me. So when I say wife, she's my 1st and only wife.

Anyways, I'll start by going back to how my son was born. Im 30 now, but when I was 24 visiting home from college, my younger brother and his friend were hanging out at the house. His friends mom stopped by to pick her son up and that's how we met. She was 32. We started talking, and hanging out. She told me that she couldn't get pregnant because she only had one ovary and her tubes were tied. We eventually had sex. I knew she was pregnant but she always told me that it was some one else's. Fast forward, 2 years later, i got hit with a paternity test followed by child support. Due to my job, I live in a different state than her, so whenever I could, I'd take a long weekend off here and there to go see my son. Unfortunately, my ex would tell me that I couldn't see my child unless I promised to be with her intimately. This went on for months. Anytime i tried to date another woman, she'd threaten to take my kid away and since i have no court established rights, I fed into this fear. That was until i met my now wife. She didn't give into my ex's games and she held her gound when my ex constantly contacted her through Facebook trying to scare her off. 

Continuing to visit my son after i got married wasn't any different. My wife supported that. She has a background in child development, and because of my son's bad behavior, she encouraged these visits stating that he needed me. But after we had our daughter, she started saying that she didn't want my son to come visit us anymore. He would only visit a few times a year, but she said it's because she doesn't trust him around the baby. I understand why she thinks this. His behavior is horrible. He throws fits, screams, yells, throws things. He's hit other kids and has been extremely aggressive towards family pets. So my wife said I can go visit him but he is not welcome in our house anymore. 

But here's my current problem. In a few weeks, my wife and I will be taking a visit down to our families. (Both our families live in the same town.) But we'll be staying at my parents house. My wife said I need to tell my parents that while we are there, my ex is not allowed around. Which is hard because my parents are very close with my ex and she's over there a lot. She also drops my son off and picks him up. My wife also mentioned she didn't want my son around the baby, but never said i wasn't allowed to see him. This is what i meant by "coexist." 

I want to strongly reiterate, I have no feelings towards my ex. She got out of jail last month for 2 duis. She's constantly losing jobs and at 40 years old, she just moved back in with her parents where she shares a room with my son. Her parenting style is non existent. She's taught my son to lie, steal, manipulate, curse, and he's only 5. She doesn't make him eat anything he doesn't want to. His diet consists of chocolate chip cookies, mcdonalds, chocolate milk and soda. When I do visit, I'm told by her that I'm not allowed to dicipline him. That dicipline only makes him more upset and since I'm not in his life that much, i have no right to do anything. I've gone to court and fought for custody, only for it to be rejected. The court system completely favors mothers even if they're in rehab or jail, and it's BS. 

So I understand where my wife is coming from. She doesn't want our daughter around a child she doesn't trust and she and I both don't want her exposed to my ex. But I don't know what to do. I want to have a nice visit with family without causing drama and I want to see my son without upsetting my wife. Stuff like this happens all the time and even though my wife never says it, I feel like she wants me to choose between her and our daughter, or my son. She never seemed to have an issue with me seeing my son until our daughter was born. I'm not sure if this is normal. If she's jealous or if it's purely for the safety of our daughter? Like I've said, insight from others going through this as a Step parent would be so helpful! My wife and daughter are absolutely #1 to me, but I dont want to give up on my son. I feel like without me, there's not a lot of hope for him to grow up to be a decent human being.

Comments

24 years as a SM's picture

I understand where your wife is coming from, she is being a mother bear and protecting her child from an out of control child. You really need to get a visitation order, so the BM can't play games with your visitation of your son. You can discipline your son while he is with you. I am not saying spank him or anything, time outs work with some kids. If you put him in a time out, explain to him that he needs to sit there for 5 minutes. I am sure he will throw a temper tantrum, explain to him that the 5 minutes doesn't start until he stops his fit. You need to step up as parent when your son is with you, otherwise it's going to get worse. DO NOT bend to BM's non parenting style or you will have a wild feral child on your hands that NO ONE will want to be around.

You never know, and from what you said about the BM, you may end up with your son full time. Will you wife ask you to choose between her, your daughter or your son? Who knows, but this could be the future for all of you. There are many others on here, that can give better advise then I. I just had to throw my 2 cents in.

Chance3312's picture

I've gone to court and applied for Emergency custody when I found out she was doing hard drugs while my son was sleeping, but that was rejected. I went back and filed for shared custody, but was never contacted by the courts. I've constantly called but have received no information on the status and that was about 8 months ago. I live out of state so i wish I could just march down to the courthouse everyday, but i can't. And even when she was in jail, the courts never contacted me. I found out through my parents. I don't want to come across as a guy who doesn't care. I do. But i don't have the money for a lawyer nor do i have the time to constantly travel back and forth trying to get some sort of rights over my son, just to be rejected. I've completely lost faith in our justice system. 

BethAnne's picture

I know it is tough out there for fathers in court but this reads like a list of excuses. If you want results you need to be the squeeky wheel or work out how to earn/save enough money for a lawyer. Even getting $100-200 to have an intial consultation with a lawyer may help you to find a way forwards.

Chance3312's picture

I have a family friend who is a lawyer. He's given me several free consultations. I've taken all of his advice, he even assisted me in filling out the proper court documents, but i was still denied. What do I do? I still have a wife, a baby, and another one on the way to take care of, and I will be deploying in a couple months for 9 months. Please, I'd love advice. I hate that it sounds like I'm making excuses, but you don't know how hard I've tried and then i get nothing. It just feels like my ex is getting special favors because she used to work at the courthouse years ago.  Maybe this is how it'll be forever. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Stop having kids when you can't provide (and fight) for the ones you have! That's the first thing you need to do. And stop acting defeated and like you've tried when you haven't. Your wife likely knows you haven't tried that hard, and that's partly why she's mad. 

We SMs don't want to see tears and the "woe is me" attitude. We want to see ACTION. We don't have to be the ones to teach you about boundaries. Your wife wasn't the one who should have told you that there were safety concerns with your son, you should have seen them yourself. You wife shouldn't be the one asking you to ask your parents to not have the ex over, you should be doing that yourself.

The situation is toxic to your entire family. You have to be willing to fight and be willing to totally lose. If you want actual advice on how to make it through the court system and get your rights established and start creating a paper trail to put BM in her place, then visit any of the dad's rights blogs and forums where this gets discussed on the dad side. Then send your wife here so we can teach her how to handle the situation as a SP.

You need an attorney. Borrow money, sell a kidney, do some moonlighting for 9 months - do whatever you have to in order to afford an attorney. Then, authorize your parents as your son's legal paternal guardian while you're deployed. Work WITH your parents to ensure that the paternal family doesn't lose access to your son, but don't let your ex strong arm them into doing her bidding out of fear. I LIVE that, and my DH has had to cut off his own mother because of her meddling. 

This isn't going to be easy. Stop making excuses. Your son suffers because you haven't done your research and put his current needs first, because he's currently living with a drugged-out mother who doesn't parent and likely doesn't care who watches your kid so long as it's not her. He's getting hurt. Talk to your command and find some internal resources if they exist, put any deployment bonus funds aside for an attorney - whatever. But your kid isn't safe, you need an ACTUAL plan from an ACTUAL attorney who you pay for and not jumbled together legal advice from someone trying to be nice.

Chance3312's picture

I get it. After my daughter was born, my wife said we shouldn't have any more children due to everything that's going on. So I scheduled a vasectomy. Well, God had other plans! Right before my appointment, my wife found out she was pregnant again. So this one is our last!

bananaseedo's picture

his isn't going to be easy. Stop making excuses. Your son suffers because you haven't done your research and put his current needs first, because he's currently living with a drugged-out mother who doesn't parent and likely doesn't care who watches your kid so long as it's not her. He's getting hurt. Talk to your command and find some internal resources if they exist, put any deployment bonus funds aside for an attorney - whatever. But your kid isn't safe, you need an ACTUAL plan from an ACTUAL attorney who you pay for and not jumbled together legal advice from someone trying to be nice."

SO your suggestion is screw his current family and children, and let THEM be the ones to suffer and or become unsafe?  NOPE 

lieutenant_dad's picture

How are the current kids going to be unsafe? I'm assuming his wife is capable of working and isn't crazy. She has familial support, as does he. Their health insurance is paid for, and I'm assuming their housing is subisidized since he is in the military.

He has a minor child who is living in ACTUAL unsafe conditions. His mother is an ACTUAL drug addict. All because it's hard doesn't mean he gets to give up or put in a half-arsed effort. All because OP went out and had 2 more kids doesn't mean his son should get shafted. His wife is going to have to step up and pick up more of the burden of their mutual kids - and that's her consequence of having an extra kid that her family couldn't afford.

His son isn't a teenager who is actively being PAS'd by a functioning parent. The kid is 5. Mom has a drug problem. Mom has a recent history of incarceration. Dad needs to take the lead out and protect the kid who doesn't have anyone else to protect him because Mom can't/won't.

I'm sorry this is a crap situation, but some mistakes are costlier than others. This is one of them.

justmakingthebest's picture

Look, believe me I get it. Courts favor the uterus hard core -- even in this whole equality age that we are supposedlly in. I am glad to hear you have tried though!

BethAnne's picture

This is a mess. Get out of your hang ups and sort this out. 

1. tell your parents that YOU do not want to see your son's mother at their house ( do not blame your wife, in-law dynamics are awkward enough as it is)

2. go and pick the boy up from her house or meet them somewhere away from the home.

3. talk to your wife and try to find compromises. She wants to protect your daughter (as should you...) So I would suggest that you take the boy out for activities outside of the house and also see if there are some things that your wife would like to do with the baby outside of the house. This way the kids are kept appart for a large portion of time. Also see if she is open to having both the kids at your parents house if there are always at least two adults present one who is looking after and watching the baby and one who is in charge of keeping the boy under control. 

4. If your wife is not happy with this set up then either stay at a hotel with your wife and see your son at your parents house or go on your own to your parents house.

5.  Go to freeking court and get your parental rights on paper. Get a custody schedule set up. Even long distance parents have custody schedules. Establishing this stuff now will help for the next time his mom ends up in jail -  you might be able to get custody of this kid even if only temporariliy. When you have rights you should get some say in schooling and medical matters too. 

6. Have serious conversations with your wife about how you two would handle it if (most probably when) your son came to live with you. Consider all the options. Acknowledge that it may not be ideal but that you have a responsibility to these 3 people and that you must find compromises that work for you all. This conversation does not have to come up with answers straight away but should be ongoing and you should be seeking ideas and suggestions that make your wife comfortable. It may sound extream but living apart from your wife may be a solution while you work with your son on his behavioral issues.

7. Take a parenting class, read some parenting books/blogs, watch some super nanny. Kids adapt quickly and just because they are allowed to behave one way in certain settings does not mean that they cannot control themselves in other situations.

8. Do not dismiss emotions, they are very normal and human. Your wife may be jelous, it is a very normal emotion to experience in these situations. But his emotion is not what is behind her requests to you. You described how your son hurts animals and acts uncontrolably in your home. This does make him dangerous to your baby daughter, she can in no way defend herself - she doesn't even have claws nor can she hiss or growl. You must protect her. Your wife is not a silly overly jealous woman, she is a normal person who sees a real danger and wants to protect someone who cannot protect themselves. THIS IS NORMAL, DISMISSING IT IS NOT. 

Chance3312's picture

I answered a question above about how I have gone to court and tried to get temporary and shared custody, but to no avail. Do you have any advice on how to accomplish this? I don't have money for a lawyer, and living out of state, I don't get the time off work to travel back and forth to go to court. Even on weekends im not allowed to travel outside of 150 mile radius without a pass, and generally we only get 2 passes a year. (That's why I'm able to visit family in a few weeks)

BethAnne's picture

I put some resopnses above. Maybe you need a different job that would better allow you to live up to your responsibilities. 

Chance3312's picture

I'm in the military. It doesn't pay much, but because of the benefits, I'm able to put a roof over my family's head and even provide full coverage insurance for my entire family, including my son. My children's college will be taken care of no matter what. I think that's the ultimate job for allowing me to live up to my responsibilities.

justmakingthebest's picture

Actually you being in the military is probably why you didn't win. My husband has been in for almost 21 now. He/We have been fighting for his son for 7 years. We have paid out well over 60K. It is A LOT. 

The military does provide a good life. Great health insurance, you always have a roof over your head and food on the table. However, it doesn't really help much when it comes to the never ending money pit that is family court. 
 

If you can get there to represent yourself, I would. You don't really need a lawyer for family court, and keeping going back and requesting drug tests and proof of parenting classes and rehab completions is all you can really do until she fails enough that you get the kid. 

I deal with 2 BMs. The first, my oldest SS- my husband was able to get full custody of him- as an active duty 19 yr old sailor due to her drug use and craziness. It was hard, but he won. The GAL was a big help in that case. He has always (since my SS was 1) had full custody. He is 19 now. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're going to have to get money for an attorney, and your wife is going to have to deal with you either switching jobs or working more to make that happen. This isn't an option. Your vacation days, your extra income (not extra to the household but your specific pool of play money), and your free hours (again, that aren't spent with your wife and kid - it's going to cause a lack of sleep) need to be devoted to getting this sorted.

I don't lack sympathy for you. In fact, having watched my DH get dicked around by an ex and courts and his own family, I feel bad for you. But, as I've said to my DH, this is a consequence to having sex with crazy. Until it's sorted, it means YOUR LIFE is in turmoil, but it also means that your wife and mutual child's is not as much as possible. This isn't your wife's burden to bear, and she's going to end up picking up a lot of slack with your mutual child as you duke this out. Her sacrifice is going to come in the way of watching money leave the household and having less time with you while you sort this. That's the price many of us SPs pay, and we're never happy about it long term. Especially if the cost is safety to our families and ourselves.

BethAnne has given you some excellent tips and advice. You NEED attorney representation. You NEED someone in that state who can fight on your behalf. Or you need to let your son go. This is going to create a mess for your wife (who I would have some different advice/perspective for) and your mutual child, who is a total victim in this as is your son. Your son, currently, is lost in the system and you need to get him out or at least get your rights established so you have more footing to fight.

Chance3312's picture

You're absolutely right. And my wife constantly says that. "Why'd you have to have a kid with someone who's clinically insane?" Short answer. Because i was an idiot. I still have 4 years left in my contract. If i breach that, then I will be put in prison, so that's no good. But we have been discussing me transitioning out of the military after my contract is up to a job that pays more and has more flexible hours.  Which would definitely help in this situation.

ChzyBob20's picture

Regret is pointless. Only thing to do is look ahead. I have wondered in my head "what the hell was he thinking?!" About my husband marrying and procreating with that wretched wh*re woman but what's done is done, alas.

I'm sorry for you and your wife. This is a worse battle than one with actual weapons, I think.

I've had my share of foolish mistakes in my youth and 20s but nothing permanent like a kid, thank god. 

Good luck and keep your head down. Thank you for your service.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Is there no legal aid available to you, especially considering the conditions your son is living in, through the military? Is your wife currently working in order to take care of your mutual child? If she isn't, then she needs to be because she needs to provide monetarily for your mutual child so that you can use some of your current income to help with your son and his situation.

justmakingthebest's picture

I am not sure how long you have in, but if over 10, I would stick it out. That retirement is a BIG freaking deal. Also- Just thinking, have you gotten family advocacy involved? What branch are you in? It is called different things depending on which service.

bananaseedo's picture

" But, as I've said to my DH, this is a consequence to having sex with crazy. Until it's sorted, it means YOUR LIFE is in turmoil, but it also means that your wife and mutual child's is not as much as possible. This isn't your wife's burden to bear, and she's going to end up picking up a lot of slack with your mutual child as you duke this out. Her sacrifice is going to come in the way of watching money leave the household and having less time with you while you sort this. That's the price many of us SPs pay, and we're never happy about it long term. Especially if the cost is safety to our families and ourselves."

So, you think it is fair/right that because he was outright LIED to by an insane person, he, his wife, his current children, his parents should all pay this incredibly high price for the rest of their lives for a kid that will likely NEVER come to live w/them, that is showing signs of mental illness and a danger to his family...and will likely be alienated and have no relationship w/them...

The only thing I could agree with on your post was 'or you need to let your son go'-  I fully believe this.  1 damaged child product of deceipt is not worth more then an entire family system, including grandparents. 

ChzyBob20's picture

Your parents should not be close with your ex! That's a problem. Civil, polite etc is ok of course.

Chance3312's picture

I completely agree! But they all live in the same town which is extremely small, and my son spends about 4 days out of the week at my parents house. I've talked to them about it, but my mother said she's afraid to say anything because she's afraid my ex will stop allowing them to see their grandson. She makes that threat a lot when people don't do what she wants. 

ChzyBob20's picture

She can perhaps file for Grandparents' rights in that case. Your parents need to put your needs ahead of your ex's every time. 

24 years as a SM's picture

Some states Grandparent have right for visitation, they might need to go to talk with a lawyer to see if this is possible or go to court to get a visitation order. If it's possible and the BM withhold the child from the grandparent, they can push the issue with the courts. It sounds like everyone is buckling under fear of the BM withholding any visits, she has all the power and she knows it.

Just another suggestion, only communicate with the BM through text or email, this way you have it in writing that she is threatening to withhold visitation. You will need to save up for a lawyer, but in the meantime, document everything, keep records of everything. You can try going online and checking jail records or court records for BM being arrested, print all the information you find and keep it in a file folder.

Once your son starts school, the school will have records of his behavior and may require that your son see a therapist. If this is the case, make sure you are on the school contact list to keep informed of what is happening.

ChzyBob20's picture

Yes especially since they have a documented relationship with their grandson. I wish they could get custody away from that POS BM. Perhaps they can straighten the kid out and correct his awful behavior.

StepUltimate's picture

Many BMs - including the narcissist bi-polar nightmare that is my SS20's BM - LIE to school administrators (who don't bother to verify) and say the bio-dad is a dangerous abuser who may NOT be notified of emergencies or pick the kid up from school. So beware, because these biznitches have ZERO problem with spinning lies about you to play the Victim/Single Mom Sympathy card.

We only found out about that AFTER my DH won full custody and tried to get the elementary school in BM's town to the Jr. High in our town... and the school wouldn't release them until my DH provided copies of the court order. Jaw-dropping but true story that others on StepTalk have also experienced. 

Know your enemy.

Chance3312's picture

Because I provide medical insurance for my son, through the military, i was able to give my mother Medical Power of Attorney over him. I found out that my son wasn't properly vaccinated, so now my mother holds onto my son's Military ID , which also acts as his insurance card, and she is responsible for scheduling and taking him to his appointnents. Because the insurance is through the military that is why I was able to do that. Everything else involving my son is not considered within the military so unfortunately I'm unable to get representation or assistance in fighting for custody over him. Just answering those who were suggesting getting assistance through the military. 

justmakingthebest's picture

I posted above but wanted to make sure you saw my comment about family advocacy. It is like CPS for the military and they take over in cases like yours. 

Chance3312's picture

My wife and I have both spoken to Family Advocacy. They seemed absolutely appauled that my son wasn't in my custody, however, because his mother is the legal primary caregiver, and shes a civilian living in another state, the military and all of its assistance programs have no jurisdiction over it. 

justmakingthebest's picture

That is 100% not true. Go back. 

The way it works is if she is in an area that is close to a base they will send military to her house to do an investigation. If she is not near a base they will contract with CPS in her local area. IF an issue is found they do step in with the JAG.  

Chance3312's picture

This is my first time hearing this. My main issue is that she has had CPS open 3 separate cases. She has friends who work there. All 3 cases were closed. I doubt they'd get JAG involved. But it is worth a try!

still learning's picture

So her tube(s) were tied yet she only had one ovary. So you mean her tube was tied?  She miracously got pregnant with her one ovary and tied tube but said it was someone else's baby.  Wow, she's like the virgin mary or you had He-Man sperm.  She was sleeping around. Did you catch an STD too or do one ovaried women not carry STD's?  Why would such a young lady have her tube tied if it would have been near impossible to get pregnant anyway?  You're all from the same town huh? Will you next reveal that you're all cousins or half siblings to further complicate the matter?  

Chance3312's picture

Yep. You guessed it. We're cousins! Haha no, but youre right. I should've done my research but obviously I wasnt using my brain. She said something about having a cancer scare and after her daughter was born (who's 16 now) her doctors told her it was best if she didn't have anymore kids. Due to my actions, I obviously believed her. 

ndc's picture

What happened to your younger brother's friend, the son of the crazy ex?  Is he normal or does he have behavior problems like your son?  Did she raise him differently?  Does she still have custody of him?  Just wondering if she's messed up multiple kids.

Chance3312's picture

So she has 2 other childen, besides my son, all of whom are from different men. Her oldest son, which is the one i mentioned earlier, requested to live with his Father when he was 14. He's now 19. He was getting in a lot of trouble in school at before he made the request to stay with his dad. As of now, he occasionally visits her, but he's joined the military. According to my mother, when he does visit, He constantly calls his mother out with how she parents my son, saying her that she's ruining him. So in the long run, he has turned out to be a good kid, but it doesn't seem like his mom is responsible for that.

Thisisnotus's picture

Your ex showing up at your family’s house while your wife and child are there? Oh hell no. Your wife has no obligations other than to protect her children.  You need to figure out a different way to see your son.

If your family insists on your ex and son coming over while your wife and kids are there....if I was your wife I would never again in my life speak to your family and certainly would not be joining you on this trip. 

Maybe you should just go see your family by yourself and live it up with your ex and badly behaved son.....the way it sounds your family would probably like that better because exes rule...duh!

Chance3312's picture

I agree with you! I don't want my ex anywhere near my wife or daughter. My wife is mainly coming because her parents live on the other side of town and shes taking our daughter over there to visit with grandparents. My wife spoke to her parents about possibly staying at their house during our visit, but her family said that we need to stick together, and for us to stay at different houses is weird in a marriage. And as much as I'd love to tell my parents to not have my ex over, and I will talk to them, I cannot ultimately control what they do in their home.

Thisisnotus's picture

And this is the problem and why many step moms resent their husbands.

you want to go on a trip and stay at separate houses from your wife all to keep the peace with your parents and ex and son....who is the loser here? Your wife! The one who should be most important comes last.

how come you staying with her parents isn’t option......Get a hotel room....stand up to your parents and tell them you will not visit if they invite ex over.....there are many options here....you are wanting to go with the one most detrimental to your marriage......

Chance3312's picture

I don't want to stay in different houses. My wife did. She's more comfortable in her parents house regardless. My folks live on a farm. We have horses several dogs and cats. My wife doesn't like all the dust in the air. Her parents home is spotless. They are clean freaks who hate pet hair so i can see why my wife is similar. Staying at a hotel is an option though but staying for 2 weeks would be expensive. 

Petronella's picture

It sounds as though you, your wife and your baby all staying with her parents, is the perfect solution. You can go visit your son all you want while your wife and baby get a nice relaxing visit with her folks. Your wife can come and join you a few times at your parents' house and see her in-laws and stepson, at a time when your ex is guaranteed not to be there. 
Why is it so important that you stay with your parents? 

Thisisnotus's picture

So by you knowing that ...why on this earth is this even a topic? 

To me you have made up your mind that your wife and you should be separated so as not to cause any problems with your ex and your parents.

 Also your wife does NOT want to stay at separate houses, she just does NOT want to be around your ex and your kid so separate houses is the only solution to her. You aren’t getting it.

Chance3312's picture

My wife has spoken to her parents several times about this. We don't exactly have a 100% solid reason as to why. Their responses keep changing but they've said no. The most recent excuse was that they are trying to sell the house and they just don't want any overnight guests right now. It's odd because my wife is welcome over there with the baby during the day, but she's not allowed to sleep over.

Petronella's picture

So her parents don't want any of you to sleep over? 

My new suggestion is your wife stays home while you come on this home-town trip on your own. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Or shorten the trip and stay in a hotel if none of the parents are willing to host or have appropriate boundaries with exes.

tog redux's picture

Well, I don't have much more to add, as the others have said it all - but your wife is not jealous. She's annoyed that you procreated with a crazy woman who affects your life so much, and that the crazy woman is making your son into a horribly behaved, damaged human being that she has to deal with. 

You do have to figure out a way to get an attorney and get schedule for your son for visitation. And yes, discipline him if he comes to your home (another thing that annoys your wife - you won't discipline him because you are afraid of BM).

It's good that your parents are involved with him so much, but bad if they kowtow to BM. She needs them as much as they want to see their grandson, so they should find some spine and set limits on her.  And if they can't agree to not have BM drop by when you are visiting, then you ALL need to stay with your wife's parents. 

ChzyBob20's picture

This.

I have not nor have I ever been jealous of my husband's ex. My self esteem would have to be in the negative digits for that to occur.

The annoyance that my husband married and procreated with a POS bipolar, lazy, obese, gluttonous, irresponsible, dishonest, thieving, substance abusing a-hole is constantly infiltrating our home and our marriage in the form of her putrid, ill-mannered, overweight, gluttonous and lazy offspring that unfortunately looks just like her!

The stuff she has done is also unbelievable and disgusting. I f--ing hate her guts.

Petronella's picture

Exactly.

"Jealous," like "Fair" and "Caught in the Middle," is a word that a Dad married to a Stepmom needs to keep OUT of his mouth at all times! 

advice.only2's picture

So she slapped you with a paternity test and CS, yet you claim you had no rights in the eyes of the courts? Um why didn't you establish your parental rights yourself and get a custody schedule in place?

No is a complete sentence and you could have used it when dealing with this woman. It really reads that you have many excuses of why you dropped the ball.

I can understand why after awhile your DW stopped playing into your lip service, because she realized that's all it was, and you expected her to do all the work.

Chance3312's picture

I was single and living in the barracks when I had to go to court after establishing paternity and they obviously felt that that's no proper situation for a 2 year old. They suggested that both my ex and I come back at a later time to set up mutually agreed visitation/shared custody once i had my own place. Anytime i brought up going back to court to my ex, she said she wouldnt approve of anything to the court because "I let you see him whenever you want. We don't need to go to court." Clearly, she's going to fight me on this. So I went back by myself on later dates requesting joint custody and both times it was denied. (Im assuming. I never hear back from the court the 2nd time which was 8 months ago.) 

Petronella's picture

Do you have any court-ordered visitation at all? Like 1 weekend a month, or Christmas, or anything? 

Chance3312's picture

No. The only thing it says in my court papers is that im responsible for child support and that i have a say in all medical procedures. I'm thinking during my upcoming trip, I'll file again for at least visitation. Last time i filed, my ex had no record of served jail time, but that has since changed. They keep denying my request for shared custody, so maybe they'll approve me for court ordered visitation.

Petronella's picture

Talk to your wife about that topic first. Where do you plan to have your visitation? At your home? She might not go for that, unless you vow to be present, awake and hands-on every single minute your son is there and awake.

bananaseedo's picture

Yikes, definately procreated with crazy town....and the fact that your parents give in to her demands? Not an atypical situation.

I would try to just establish a regular long-distance visitation...maybe pursue after deployment.  It seems as if your parents are allowed now to see their grandchild, hopefully that continues while you are deployed.  

As to some advise about quitting the military, moving, selling your kidneys and 2nd born to fight for custody of your damaged son, I 100pct disagree.  Someone else said this :  "However, it doesn't really help much when it comes to the never ending money pit that is family court. "

By seeing this play out over the years, it would be a waste of time, money, effort, tears, and possibly lose the relationship you have with yoru wife/children that is currently intact.  I would NOT do this-sacrificing a family of 4 over 1 damaged child does not make sense.  Sure, someone pays the prices-but such is life. You have a chance to do the best by the intact family you have now. 

IMO the only thing you CAN do is establish long distance visitation...if your wife doesn't want the dangerous child around, have those visits at your parents, or have her go visit her family w/your children while your son is visiting.  Keep contact to a long distance parenting. IF you go for full custody, prepare for going broke and then some and prepare to lose your wife and current children in the process.  GUARANTEED>  Now, some people think that it's worth it and the right thing to do. Again, I 100pct disagree.   Chances are with a bag genetic influence w/a crazy bm, the kid even if you DO get custody is likely to be a lost cause in the long run.

 

Chance3312's picture

I have to agree with you. And it may sound harsh, but because my ex withheld the fact that he was mine for 2 years and I didn't establish a relationship with him until then, and i don't get much time off to visit him, I'm still new to him. When I call, he throws a fit and runs away crying saying he doesnt want to talk to me. But my daughter is the absolute world to me. I've been there since day 1, bonded with her. Obviously my wife didnt lie to me and keep her from me. I also know that I will have a say in how my wife and I choose to raise her. And same with our future child. I would never want to jeopardize this family that I've built. That's why I'm on this page. To get advice. Some I agree with, some I don't, and by a few of these commenys, I'm sure some may think that I am a horrible person. But that is ultimately why I'm here. Looking into different options. I haven't made my mind up, but my wife is constantly saying that she doesn't feel like this process is worth it anymore just because the courts don't seem to care. and now I'm losing precious time with our daughter and i know its 100% my fault, but my wife resents any extra money that's being taken away from our child to fight for my son, just to be rejected. And it's not fair that my son has to live in this environment. But I wont allow this to tear my family a part. And sometimes i feel like it's headed that way.

tog redux's picture

I agree, I think court is a crap shoot, and I honestly don't blame men who walk away from kids in situations like this. You will never get full custody, and even if you get a long-distance schedule, your child's mother will turn him against you and interfere with your visits.  

I wouldn't blame you if you walked away - but you either have to do that, or get something more structured set up - you can't continue doing it like you are now. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

You're going to have to make a decision. Either fight for your son because he's the actual victim in this, being prepared to lose, or let him go entirely (minus legal obligations to pay) and come to terms knowing he's living in a poor environment and will hurt because of it.

Your wife is entirely entitled to feel that she doesn't want money and time to be wasted on this process because it's not her problem or mistake. She is 100% right to feel that way, and you can't change that. She has given you the option to see your son outside the home, and if she came here, I'd tell her she needs to get herself to a place where she actually accepts that you'll be taken away from time to time to deal with him. If she cannot handle that, then she should have considered that before she had kids with you and now she'll have to decide if she wants to live that way.

There is no way that everyone gets out of this unscathed. Someone gets hurt no matter your choice. You just need to choose who it is and figure out how you'll live with that. Until you figure out internally who you'll let down, none of this has a chance to get better for the folks you choose to spare.

ChzyBob20's picture

I don't think you're horrible at all. I commend you for your foresight, integrity, love for your wife and children. It is the womb rental for your eldest that is a disreputable and evil woman. She must be a narcissist or a sociopath. No morals and less integrity.

I feel terribly for you, the nightmare that you are enduring.

Lizzylemon's picture

I completely agree. This dangerous and damaged child is not worth the tens of thousands you would spend in family court as well as the dismemberment of your current family when the child will still have the mothers horrific influence on him. 
 

Your parents are saints for watching this boy 4 days a week. This is the best you can do in this circumstance. You do not want this child in your home full time if your wife is not comfortable with that so there is no need to waste time and money in court. 
 

Thank you for taking the time to do research on this issue. It shows that you truly care for your wife and her wellbeing. With regards to your upcoming trip, I suggest that you stay at your in-laws home and visit your parents home to visit your son by yourself during the daytime without your wife. Have your parents let you know when the son has been dropped off and go over there after the ex has left so your wife knows there will be no interaction with your ex. Actions of thoughtfulness go a long way with wives and she will appreciate it. 

Chance3312's picture

Thank you all for your advice. It's really heloing me to have some sort of insight to how my wife feels. I do take full responsibility for my actions. And my wife constantly encouraged me to continue to fight for my son. But with every plane ticket cost, court fees, gas money for travel, just to come home to tell my wife that my requests had been rejected, that's when she started losing faith and started getting upset with me about going back to try again. And with every phone call we received from family members telling us that my ex had gotten into another accident, that she smelled like alcohol when she picked my son up, that CPS dropped her case for the 3rd time, that her husband was arrested for for stealing money and that police found text messages that they were using cocaine...and the courts still did nothing, Its heatbreaking and frustrating. I'm at the point of wondering when is enough enough? When will my ex be held accountable? When will the court finally see that my son is not safe there? But I keep getting told that because at the times of my request, she's not currently in jail or currently and rehab, there's nothing they can do. It's a joke to them. 

Lizzylemon's picture

Last time my dh was in court bm was physically in rehab for drugs and suicide attempts and they had to release her for a few hours to go to court and come back to rehab lol dh attorney brought this up to the judge and his response was that he did not care because bm is getting treatment for her addictions lol 

The family court system is so biased for the mothers it's rediculous. I have lost all faith in the court system. 

ChzyBob20's picture

I concur. My husband has tried very hard to put his ex in her place and tell her no many times. He makes her have their son otherwise she almost never would. I never have to deal with their son on certain special days and I'm grateful.

Now, if I can just get my husband to make his eldest move out at 18!

BethAnne's picture

What are BM's parent's like? 

If you won't be there for this kid, and BM is a mess who will end up back in jail then it is his maternal grandparents who will end up raising him. Are they decent people?

Chance3312's picture

BM father is a decent man. The only issue I have is that he drinks and smokes which enables my ex. When she got out of rehab, they threw a party, which had alcohol present. Her mother is a substance user and not a nice woman IMO. BM is currently living with both her parents with my son. As far as how they parent my son, they are a lot like my ex. They're grandparents afterall, so they let him eat whatever he wants and do whatever he wants. His grandfather usually makes him help with chores and yard work, which is good.

Kelly_thestepmum_in20s's picture

Sjoe. When will your son would bond with his sister? since your wife feels like he is a threat to the sister? Has your son ever harmed his sister? @the age of 5, I think it's too much for him unless he is getting this from somewhere.

BM should take a chill pill. You have so much right as she is. It takes 2 to tango. 

Chance3312's picture

So we should just risk it and wait for him to hurt the baby before we get up in arms about it? That sounds smart. He was here when our daughter was born. He is only 5 so I understand that he didn't want anything to do with her. He wouldn't even look at her. There was one night he heard me over the baby monitor reading to my daughter and got upset with my wife and told her that he wished that my wife wasn't around in that I was with my ex. Which is completely understandable. But I also put my wife first and respect her wishes and if she doesn't feel comfortable I'm not going to fight her on it. And to be quite honest my wife and I are raising our daughter a certain way and we do not want her exposed to my son's behavior because it is unacceptable in our home. Children pick up these things. And we want to prevent it.