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Cbarton12's picture

A little background. I've been married to DH a little over a year, together for 3. SD is 6 and she has lived primarily with us for the last year. Before that she lived with us 50% of the time, on 2 days, off 2 days, on 3 days. That sort of thing. 

Anyway, for the most part we are close. I do love her but sometimes she does annoy me and I like to have my own space. 

Lately, I've been wondering if we should have our own baby. This would be my first baby, DH's second. SD has a half sister (3) at BM. Plus a step-brother (8) at BM's that she only sees in the summer. 

I'm afraid of the age gap and what it would do to our household dynamic. SD has expressed she doesn't want another child in DH's house. 

Comments

Winterglow's picture

All I can say is that SD doesn't have a voice in this discussion. You and your dh decide on this regardless of what his princess wants or does not want.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

This. SD10 will inform me I'm not allowed to have another kid periodically. But it's not her choice. Ultimately, if Dh and I decide to have one, then we're going to and we'll be there for her to adjust.

Cogito Ergo Sum's picture

I agree wholeheartedly – SD should not have a say. This is a decision that you & your DH need to make together. Did you discuss having children prior to getting married? If you haven’t had any yourself, I’m not surprised you are considering it, I also think it’s great that you & your DH are thinking carefully about it before jumping in & going ahead! Of course, your SD will need to be considered & helped with the potential new family dynamics but the decision is not hers, it’s yours. Change is inevitable & kids are resilient – your SD seems as though she has had to be very adaptable with her BM’s family dynamics so far anyway. Best of luck!

Cbarton12's picture

You know, we did discuss it beforehand. I have always wanted to be childless. And he wasn't too keen about having a second child. So I dont know what has shifted with me. Probably biological clock. And it's still a decision I'm not sure about it going beyond my worries about SD.

Cogito Ergo Sum's picture

I think it’s great that you talked this out before getting married – why don’t more people do this!? My SO & I have had this discussion too because I've never been convinced that having my own children is in my future. I studied for & have a career in education, not teaching but along those lines, so it’s not that I don’t like kids. It’s more complicated for me, not just something I’ll do because those around me are doing it, I need to be sure & I’m not. I think it has helped me in Stepland, this confusing place where there are no directions & everyone is bumping into each other in utter confusion trying to figure out which way is up, as I’m not bothered by all of those firsts that can be really hard for some. As you said, things change, I’d never say never. Be sure that if you choose not to, it’s because you want that, not your SD. I’m sure whatever you choose will be the right thing for you & your DH.

Monkeysee's picture

I agree, what SD wants is irrelvant. Bringing a child into the world should only ever be between the two people choosing to do it.

My baby will be my first & DH's fourth (although he's basically just a sperm donor & bank account to the first).  I didn't take my SS's ages or desires into consideration whatsoever when we chose to get pregnant, it's got nothing to do with them at this point.  I told DH well before we even discussed marriage that I wanted kids of my own, and if he'd been resistant I would have left him.  If he'd changed his mind after we got married, I still would have left him, because having my own kids is really important to me.

That said, we're doing lots to include the kids & make them feel they're a part of everything that's happening, and we'll continue to do that after the baby is born. I think it's really important that kids in any family dynamic are cared for so they don't feel pushed out or that they're no longer important. DH will still make 1:1 time with the boys a priority after ours is born, although the amount of 1:1 time they'll get will inevitably change as babies take work lol.

It's definitely a balance, but don't let a 6 year old dictate whether or not you have your own children!!  You'll only end up resenting both her & your husband if you follow that route. If you want your own child & your DH is on board, then go for it. SD will learn to adapt, just as every other child with a new sibling learns to adapt.

tog redux's picture

My niece and nephew are 7.5 years apart (currently 24 and 17) and they are super close - always have been. The age gap doesn't have to be an issue.

And yes, SD has no say. But it will change the dynamics, and if this board is any proof, probably make you feel even more annoyed with SD.

marblefawn's picture

When your SD is having kids, she can decide how many join her household.

I don't know anything about kids, but I understand that sometimes they don't like the idea of siblings until they have them. And sometimes they never like having siblings. But most of us look at it as just the card we drew. I can tell you, no one asked me if I wanted siblings. Your SD will look at it this way too -- just the card she drew. But the key is not to ask what she wants -- just do it.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

Do not let a skid ever influence your biological need to procreate. I didn’t! If you want babies, get busy making them.