Our week is coming to a close
Our week of Christmas break with SS9 is coming to a close. SS' uncle (BM's brother) will be picking him tomorrow afternoon. Honestly, I am ready for this week to be over - the planning, the entertaining SS when he's here, the increased interactions with BM, the visits from everyone who wants to see SS; frankly, it's all exhausting. I actually didn't do much with SS this visit; I stayed mostly disengaged and let DH entertain and parent him. Plus, with SS finding out I'm pregnant, he has been a little distant, which is fine with me. He seems excited about having a sister, but also a little jealous, which I know is normal. Most of our family members bought us baby clothes or supplies for Christmas and every time we unwrapped a gift for baby, SS got jealous. Oh well, SS is going to have to learn to share the family attention.
BM was pretty tame this week outside of the one annoying phone call I blogged about earlier this week, where BM, GF, and SS bashed us for 20 minutes, then two additional phone calls. I found these calls a little annoying because our CO states 2 phone calls per week, which BM holds us to during her custody time, regardless of holidays, but then she called 3 times this week: once earlier in the week, once Christmas Eve and once Christmas Day even though they are seeing SS tomorrow for "Christmas." BM and GF called for 5 minutes on Christmas Eve to "check in" and so SS could watch his Grandma (BM's Mom) open her birthday present (even though SS will be seeing his Grandma tomorrow) and then BM and GF called for 20 minutes tonight to "wish SS a Merry Christmas" aka interrogate SS about his Christmas presents. During the call on Christmas Eve, GF freaked out, asking if SS was taking their Facetime call from a closet... he wasn't. SS had ran to the farthest room in my parent's house, the mud room, to prevent any of us from eavesdropping, even though we all stayed in the basement during their call.
All in all though, we had a really nice Christmas. DH did a really great job shopping for me. It was nice to see him put so much thought into my gifts. We are looking forward to the next two months and the arrival of our daughter and completion of our house. I'm excited to not have SS back until late March and to be able to return to normal for a while. I just have to get to 3 p.m. tomorrow and I am free from steplife for a little while.
Merry Christmas everyone!
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Comments
Merry Christmas CastelJJ ! I
Merry Christmas CastelJJ !
I'm glad things go well with SS about your pregnancy.
Some adjustments might be necessary when the baby arrives but if SS keeps this state of mind it should be fine.
From my experience, what will be determining for your family cohesion is your ILs reaction to baby arrival.
What is NOT to do, is to treat SS as someone that must have compensation.
It happend in DH family, and it was a disaster
I agree. He's gaining a
I agree. He's gaining a sibling, not losing a limb.
I don't have to worry about
I don't have to worry about my ILs too much. My FIL is so excited to have a grandchild that is around full-time versus one he sees once per year due to SS living with BM out-of-state. My MIL is our biggest problem, but luckily she doesn't like DH much, so we never hear from her.
Yeah but if is primary
Yeah but if his primary household talks crap about op and op's family (including baby) that will affect ss's relationship with op/dh/baby.
GF must have her own history
GF must have her own history of trauma to imagine SS is FaceTiming you from a closet. BM here claimed SS had to hide in a closet too, so bizarre. They imagine a house of horrors.
I'm guessing once your baby comes, you will care even less about SS9, which IMO, is a good place to be.
I agree. GF always seems
I agree. GF always seems really paranoid. She thinks our Alexa devices are watching SS, thinks we are having SS call from a closet, etc. Makes me wonder what happened to her previously.
I told DH last night that I was ready for SS to leave, which is a feeling I haven't really felt before. Normally I dread him leaving and always wish he could stay longer. DH said it's because I'm in a different place in life now with the baby, where SS, BM, and GF's presence isn't my focus. I agree with him. I feel like I'm already focusing more on the baby and less on SS and it feels so good.
From a distance of many years
From a distance of many years, I now see that the divorce and custody battle triggered BM's own childhood trauma, and at times she was convinced DH was harming SS or would take him away from her. Sometimes. Other times she was just being a bitter witch who was mad that DH left her.
Good for you, and good for your DH for not getting upset that you don't focus as much on SS.
What an excellent response
What an excellent response from your DH! I'm glad he recognizes that while he may be sad his son is leaving, you have very different priorities right now. He sounds like a keeper!
DH is also of similar mindset
DH is also of similar mindset to a certain extent. I asked DH if it was "bad" that I felt that way and he said "No, you can't help how you feel" which is 100% true. DH is also more focused on the baby than on SS. He is fully aware that he cannot change the situation with BM or the visitation schedule with SS and DH often says he feels like "SS' fun uncle" than like SS' Dad, just due to the dynamic BM and GF have created. Last night, SS made a comment about his "Moms" and DH didn't even seem to flinch when SS said "Moms" instead of "Mom and GF". It's like we have all accepted this shitty situation that SS has two parents: BM and GF, not BM and DH, and we just accept our visitation and pay our CS, focusing on us and our family. DH is so excited for our daughter to arrive and he keeps saying that she is his chance to actually be a parent/Dad.
DH has expressed similar
DH has expressed similar sentiments before about an "ours" baby. ET really limited his influence with the boys, and it's only now that they're older that he has been able to really be a dad. But he missed a lot.
While it's a heartbreaking place to be for your DH, I think he's in a healthy place mentally. I'm always angry on you all's behalf at how much your DH got effed over in court. I am glad, though, that you two are able to find a good family balance and focus.
We are both in a good place
We are both in a good place mentally; much better than we were previously. I thank counseling and time for getting us to this place. I think we have realized that we did everything we could to fight for SS and the cards fell where they did. We can't blame ourselves. Now, we just accept what is and move on. We understand that SS will grow up to be like BM and GF since they are his only consistent influence and due to distance, we won't ever be that constant for SS, at least not physically. We've made peace with all of this.
It's good you've made peace
It's good you've made peace with knowing that ss will turn out like BM and GF. Because of that, it's important to protect your household as much as possible and try to keep their toxicity out as much as possible. The phone call that you blogged about shows the direction SS is going in. When there's a counter action to your trying to integrate ss and make the relationships as positive as possible, BM and GF will make sure that will never happen. Protect your little one above all!
I feel bad for BM's GF. She
I feel bad for BM's GF. She seems entirely too invested in SS considering she has no rights and if BM decides, she can cut GF out of SS's life. She seems mentally unstable, too. This situation isn't good for her.
That being said, you still don't have to and shouldn't put up with their crap. If SS visits only occasionally, maybe think of the visits like a play and you are acting. After he leaves, the curtain closes, and you are back to your real life. Try to minimize their effect on your family, and move forward. Easier said than done, i know.
I believe GF is definitely
I believe GF is definitely toxic and maybe a little unstable. She is far too invested in SS and becomes very aggressive, argumentative, and insecure when people address the reality that SS is not her actual son. I believe that is why GF has aided in and perpetrated so much of the PAS we have experienced. BM and GF live in this twisted reality that they are SS' actual parents and DH is nothing and I think to a certain extent, GF believes it because she wishes so deeply it were true. Heaven forbid if BM ever leaves GF, I don't think GF would survive. But, this situation is partly of GF's making, so whatever happens is on her.
Luckily, yes, SS only visits 6 weeks per year so we focus on ourselves the rest of the year. It does feel like an "act" when SS is here and I hate that feeling, but I'm learning to accept it. I feel on edge when SS is here; like I can't go braless in my own home when SS is here or speak freely for fear of SS overhearing and telling BM/GF. I prefer the household and lifestyle we lead when SS isn't here. I'm getting better at just living my life regardless of SS' presence, but it can still be tough.