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BM's blather at family therapy last night

Caitlin's picture

Here we go again. Last night, my fiance went to the weekly Family Based Therapy appointment at BM's house and it's the same old crap, different day. BM spent an hour and twenty minutes talking about various subjects like: 1) Things she didn't like that BF did 12 years ago in England. (How is this even relevant?) 2) How BF is in arrears on child support. (Not because he doesn't pay, but because it was retroactive to the date of their separation - she waited 2 years to file and WHAM! he's stuck in major arrears from the get-go. He pays an extra $50 a month to pay it down, which will take forever but she already gets 60% of his pay so there's not much we can do.) 3) How BF owes BM's father $67,531.01 and won't pay it back. (I love that BM's father helped out his daughter's family when they were out of work and desperate and now that they've split, the entire debt load is on BF. If you look at why the debt is so damn high, you'll see that BM was a bit manic and buying everything under the sun. This is somehow OUR problem now. Again, with 60% of BF's income going to her, there is just nothing left to try and pay the father back. I don't see a resolution here. Ugh.) 4) How BF refuses to get to a better paying job (hello?! He's been applying to jobs for a year! He's trying! We all wish he made a bit more money. As it is, I am the only one contributing to our household, and I'd like a little help too!) 5) How BF refuses to pay for SD's tutoring (she will never let this one drop. SD is doing great in school, on the honor roll, taking advantage of study group in the morning, but because BM thinks she needs tutoring, she needs tutoring. And we need to cough up $400 a month to make it happen. She wouldn't even say that she would pay half, when she had said it before. Anyway, she just gets an idea in her head and won't budge. I'm sure there is a compromise here somewhere - a cheaper tutor perhaps? But she only wants "the best" and this one is "the best". Well, I say "GET A JOB!" if you want something. Don't expect others to take care of YOUR wants your whole life. And this IS a want, not a need.)

All this garbage is brought up by BM to make BF out to be an irresponsible father to the therapists. Bless these two women - I don't know how they put up with this week after week. They say: "BM, we don't want to know. We are here to help you learn to coparent with BF. You need to learn to let go of this stuff. You are not going to find the resolution you want. We would like to move on now. etc. etc." But she is a broken record.

The therapists tried to get an idea of any progress, so they asked BM if she was learning to let go at all. BM's answer? It makes me laugh. "Oh, I think I have made excellent strides at letting go. I don't love BF. I am fully aware that he is not my husband or partner and he has a new life and family." She can talk all she wants - I want to see actions to prove it. This contradicts everything she has done since I met her. She sends BF cards "To my dear husband" on special occasions - like birthdays, father's days and their WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. She gets royally pissed off when he doesn't acknowledge her on birthdays or mother's days. She refers to themselves as a "family unit". She tries to do special functions together as a family unit, meaning excluding me. Excuse me while I go gag on your lies, lady. I don't buy them for a minute. And if you're so good at learning to let go, how about you let go of this obsession with making BF out to be a bad father and just learn to coparent already?

So, another session completely monopolized by BM bashing BF. They spent another half hour or so trying to talk about coparenting SD - meaning, the therapists and BF tried and BM resisted. They got nothing accomplished in almost 2 hours. Keep it up, BM. Keep it up. In a few short months, SD will be moving out if you don't shape up.

One more thing to add: the therapists and BF left at the same time and they took the elevator down together. The therapists clucked their tongues and let out a low whistle, giving BF a sympathetic look and one of them said "man, do we ever feel sorry for you. There is one looooong road ahead of you. Because even if we can get her straight on the emotional issues, she will never ever ever let go of the financial issues. Good luck, sir!"



Little Jo's picture

Don't ya just love it though. She has the Freaken nerve to say she has moved on, getting over it. Yeah, right lady, that's why you continuely rant and rave like a lunatic.

Unreal, Caitlin. I feel for your BF. Does she think he's a dart board? I'm wondering at what point are the therapist going to realize she is using these sessions to validate HER feelings?

By the way, thanks to you and the others that are going though this shit, I think I finally got through to my BF, that it is time to talk to these family therapists. Last night while he was on the phone with BM and she was on her high horse about being a great parent, BF asked her why he was never contacted by the family therapists. Darkness actually replied. "I gave them your #, they don't want to talk to you because you left us and are not involved".
He answered back, "get a list together for me, I want to talk to them." Suddenly she had to get off the phone.

I am really sick of these BM's need for everyone to feel bad for them. Don't ya just want to scream. MAYBE YOU ARE THE REASON YOUR MARRIAGE ENDED DUMB BITCH.

Sorry Cait, ya got me going.

Caitlin's picture

The therapists already realize that BM is using these sessions to validate HER feelings. They continue to let her get things out, all the while gently trying to steer her toward coparenting. They want to gain her trust, so they can't out and out say "SHUT UP, LADY! GET OVER IT!" although they have said that's what they WANT to do!

Little Jo's picture

That, to me is just SAD. So not fair. So, BM actually gets to rant and rave with a forum. I understand that the therapists try to keep her on track, but exactly how long are you guys suppose to go though this?

And I just read about all that money crap. And she still won't just sign the damb Divorce papers.!!!!

Oh my Good God. Caitlin, you are truley a strong person to deal with this. I send you prayers and best thoughts.

And where is a Voo Doo doll.

Caitlin's picture

I used to be just destroyed by what she does. It wasn't until the past few months that I somehow learned to let all her crap roll off my back. I used to get physically ill at the very thought of her. I could actually FEEL my blood pressure rise when she was up to her usual tricks. Now I just sigh, shake my head and laugh at her ridiculousness, while hoping against hope that these therapists will do what is necessary to end this nonsense. I am thankful that they are here to help SD and hopeful that things will get better.

The Voo Doo doll helps too. Wink

Anne 8102's picture

Well, Caitlin, I guess the answer is plain and simple... just get yourself unpregnant and go get another job or two! See?! Now, isn't everyone happy?!

Hang in there. Even THIS can't last forever, right?!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Caitlin's picture

It just makes me ill that I had to leave my infant daughter with a babysitter so I could work my ass off to provide for my family since we couldn't make ends meet with my fiance's decimated income and she sits at the pool all summer with her kid, having lovely bonding time. No fair no fair no fair! Now I'll have TWO little ones at the babysitter's and it breaks my heart that I can't stay home with them! I'm not bitter, I'm not bitter, I'm not bitter. (I'm trying to convince myself.) Smile

By the way, I LOVE your family pic. I guess you don't have a ton of those since you haven't seen the skids in so long.

wicked step monster's picture

I cant believe how many ex wives demand bf pay pay pay, not only child support but for all the other crap to, financily and emotionally
its like they get in their heads you will pay untill the day you die. If only they realised that they are shortening someones life from streeses them out.
My partner pays pays pays.
My ex husband does not pay at all and wont get a job! its been 10years since we split, I have worked my arse off to support my kids, my ex when he wanted to see the kids (ha ha) would ring and say that by the time he paid for petrol to drive for an hour to my home he could not afford to take them back for the weekend and then bring them back again. So I would stock the fridge and let him stay in my home with the kids while I took off for the weekend.
He has said some nasty things in that 10years about me and done terrible things too.
He refuses to work! I dont know how he gets around the system of being unemployed but he does. Does not pay child support. Only sees 1 of the children maybe twice a year, rings her only on a weekly bases.
So I should be so damn angry, but its me that gets the hugs, kisses and thankyous with all the wonderful memories that we have shared together without him.
But my partners ex wants the money money money, and he is a great dad pays way above the set rate and half the private schooling and medical bills. But she always seems to want more, his work has died off a bit, so know she thinks he should get another job.
When his work is on he is gone at 4 in the morning and home about six at night and its a physicall job in the sun all day. But no, he could do more according to her hmmmmm.
So I think I should invent this pill, because when mediation is needed and the ex wives go in and say what bad bf's they are being blah blah blah, wouldnt it be nice to slingshot a pill into their mouths that contained truth serum and made them humble and appreciate all that the great bf's out their are doing.

Candice's picture

It doesn't surprise however, that every bill they had together, is now just your dh's. I know a woman that was engaged, she and her bf took a loan from his parents, and when they split, his parents came solely after her for the money. You know what my friend did? She filed bankruptcy b/c she refused to pay that bill alone. If they asked for 50%, things may have been different.

Your bm is just being vindicitive. She wants your dh to be unavailalbe financially, so that means he would be unavailable to you as a spouse. And sending him bday cards etc...that is desperate!

All I can say Caitlin is one day this will be over. One day your sd will probably live with you, and even non-working non-custodial parents have some sort of financially responsibility (so she will have to pay YOU cs), and perhaps your dh can file bankruptcy to avoid the total $67k debt.

One day, this brick around your dh's neck is going to be gone....and then you guys will really be able to enjoy your marriage! NOt that you don't already, but you guys won't have to deal with the daily stress of this nuts case!

How is the divorce proceedings going on? Is it your tax return your getting that paid for the lawyer to get dh divorce finalized? Sorry if I am wrong...

Have a great weekend,

Caitlin's picture

I can't wait to banish the brick around his neck! Our relationship is so good now, I can't imagine how wonderful it will be once we alleviate some of this awful stress!

He is definitely filing for bankruptcy. There is no way he can handle the personal debt to her father, plus the $30k in credit card debt in his name. Can you imagine trying to pay back almost $100k?!?! This is what she does. She spends spends spends and then expects someone to buck up for it. When will she EVER be responsible for her own actions?

The psychiatrist that she was taking SD to for a year is in private practice and doesn't accept insurance. The psychiatrist explained that she was very expensive and maybe BM should look into other options. No, BM insisted she could pay. Do you know what happened? BM paid once. ONCE! Then proceeded to rack up almost $5000 in unpaid visits. She presented the total to my fiance when it got to about $3000 if I remember correctly and he was like "huh? You think I have that lying around?" He called the psychiatrist and worked out how to get her 50% reimbursement from his insurance company and she accepted that as payment in full. This woman is livid with BM. She continued seeing SD for FREE all year, because she just loves the kid and didn't want to desert her when she so obviously needed help. After Family Based Services is over though, this psychiatrist is not taking her back. Too bad for SD, but she can't deal with BM anymore! What does this tell you?

As for the divorce - yes, you remembered correctly that I'm paying for a lawyer with my tax refund. We haven't retained one yet though, because we didn't feel 100% confident in either of the two lawyers we consulted with so far. We will try another one this week. We really really want a good one so we don't get SCREWED by BM. Hopefully, third time's a charm? I don't want to put this off any longer!

happy's picture

Well things may seem to be really bad which they are but she is really making things bad on herself with her rants about things that have nothing to do with there daughter. She is so self absorbed into herself she is not seeing what she is doing in front of the therapist who are there for the daughter. She is certifiably NUTS. SO if your man is not really helping your household out because he is payign her then he should quit his job stay home and take care of your babies.. Then lets see how much money she would be getting. (I know I am being mean)
Let her keep up her rants about money in every session. The therapist are not stupid and they will make there evaluation and then if they are smart they will give this little girl to the two of you to try to give her a normal life.. That is what I say.
God love ya and may he give you strength every day to deal with this lunitic..
Hugss from


" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

Caitlin's picture

We actually considered having him be a stay-at-home dad and me just sending her a check from my earnings, but we couldn't swing it. We could if there was no alimony, but until that gets changed, we're stuck. With our child care costs doubling this fall with our new addition, we may reevaluate. Hopefully by then the divorce will be final and the alimony over and done with. (It's alimony pendente lite, meaning just until the divorce is final. Any ideas why she's dragging it out, besides just plain old spite? Hmmm. I guess she's going to miss that extra paycheck.)

As far as her rants in these sessions, I just thank her every week from the bottom of my heart for trying so hard to be uncooperative and combattive with the therapists, thus bringing SD that much closer to living with us. If I am thankful, I'm a lot less bothered by her antics. I try to look at the bright side! Otherwise I'd go insane! Smile

SoFrustrated's picture

Just a thought, but have you tried contacting your local legal aid center? A friend of mine once worked in a divorce lawyer's office and said that people with low income levels can apply for legal aid and get a lawyer for very little money. You might have already looked into it, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

Hang in there!

Caitlin's picture

Thanks for throwing it out there, but yes, we already looked into it and we found ourselves in a bit of a catch 22. Since the divorce is in another county, he is not eligible for legal aide since he's not a resident. We checked legal aide in our county and they won't touch divorces in other counties. So, the poor guy doesn't get a bone. Sad