Oh dear God! Could it be?
I was doing some research last night on child support in my state. It is calculated using a standard number as the amount needed to support a child, and then split among the parents according to their income. For example, if it costs $1000/month to support one child and BM makes $25k and BF makes $75k, then BF's CS payment would be $750/month, as he makes 75% of the combined total income. (FYI, these are just hypothetical numbers to show how it's calculated in my state.)
Now, in our case since BM is bipolar and her enabling therapist tells her she can't handle the stress of a job, her income is $0 so BF carries the full 100% burden of supporting the child, PLUS pays her spousal support on top of that. He only keeps 40% of his after tax income, because she is entitled to the maximum amount allowable by law, or 60% of his pay. This puts the poor man below the federal poverty level. He is in major arrears because she waited two years to file and it was retroactive, so they have attached another $50/month to pay down the arrears, even though paying it back at this rate won't even come close to paying it off until SD is waaaay beyond the age of 18. We have never questioned this, he just pays it faithfully, thinking that the CS calculator is a calculator, how could he go against it?
Well, I got to thinking, if he has an obligation to his child from a former marriage, why shouldn't he have an obligation to his children from his current one? So I did some in-depth research. Come to find out, too bad I didn't look into this sooner, because he may be paying 2 or 3 TIMES what is allowable by law, given that he has another family to support! When we had our daughter 19 months ago, we should have petitioned to modify right then and there because with two families to support, no more than 50% of his take home pay should go to support ALL children. Meaning, 60% max for one family, but 50% max SPLIT between two or more families. So, if he was ordered to pay $1200/month to the ex on $2000/month income, now it would be more like $500/month. Now, with a second child on the way, it looks more like $333/month.
This is oversimplified because it does take into account the other parent's income and I do make a decent salary. However, her disability income is SUPPOSED to be entered so their split should come to around 85/15 instead of 100/0. Our split would be about 40/60. I am not enough of a math whiz to work all that out, but DAMN, he's been way overpaying and if only we had known that, we'd have changed it at the time and the overpayment could have paid off the arrears already! Unfortunately, it's too late for the last 19 months, but you better believe that my fiance is sending in a request for modification TODAY. Even if we have to wait 6 months for a modification hearing, at least the 6 months' overpayment would take a chunk out of the arrears since it is retroactive to the date requested.
My point in this LONG-winded blog is to urge all of you who have children with your hubby to make sure that your family is properly supported. By law, first families can NOT take priority over second families and vice versa. If your CS was calculated before you added any little ones to your clan, please get it modified TODAY! I know every state is different, but it can't hurt to look into it. If you're interested in some of the websites I looked at, please ask.
Here's to helping ourselves not be screwed by the system! It will be such a relief to reduce his payments because they're just crushing us! I'm kicking myself for not doing this sooner. I'll keep you posted on how things work out.
- Caitlin's blog
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Comments
Good work! Don't kick
Good work! Don't kick yourself. The point is you have taken care it now. Who would believe that the system is so screwed up that they wouldn't even mention to your fiance (or anyone) that changes in his current family situation could affect his payment?!
I know!
I couldn't believe it either that this was never mentioned before. I guess that's the problem with not having a lawyer to explain all your options to you. Thank God for the Internet!
I guess I it's state to State.
When my ex got married and starting spauning more kids. The law stated that my child support was not to change. There was a set formula, first child get 17% regardless.
His imcome went way up over the years, but I never took him back to court to get it raised. I thought the only people that would suffer where his new kids.
But what I did recently learn. By law. Since BF has paid more than half of the combined parential support, he is entitled to claim half of the children on his taxes. But that's going to be a problem because the bitch already filed her taxes and claimed all four! She got one hell of a tax return and still hasn't paid off the damb van.
Anyway, keep researching, I hope to God you are right. Keep us posted. Best wishes always, Jo
17% sounds reasonable to me
I never would have felt the need to do any research at all if he only paid 17% in the first place, but 60% is just crippling - even without a second family to support.
BM is going to FREAK over this and I can just picture it now: she will get SD all worked up about it because she is constantly dumping financials, custody, divorce proceedings and other adult matters on the poor 11-year-old to get her to think that Daddy's a deadbeat. SD should never hear a word about any of this stuff, but she sure gets an earful of BM's side of the story. Poor kid. We're not trying to screw her over, which is how it's going to look to her when BM's through having a conniption about it. How do you think we should approach this with her when it comes up?
At first, I thought I'd explain that her little sisters deserve Daddy's support just as much as she does. And if she says, but Mommy doesn't work and you do, so all of Daddy's money should go to Mommy and me, what should I say to that? (sigh) She shouldn't be in the middle in the first place, but I will feel the need to justify it to her since BM dragged her into the middle anyway. Should I tell her that there's a calculator that takes into account all of our incomes and the calculator tells us how much is each person's responsbility, or is that too much information for a little kid?
Jo, as for claiming 2 of the 4 kids on his taxes, your BF needs to get that sorted out. She will owe part of that nice refund back because it belongs to him. I don't have the first clue how to go about doing that, but do you have it specified in the court order that they're to split it? If so, maybe he should just claim 2 of them and then when she gets caught, she'll be in hot water for trying to commit tax fraud. Good luck with this! p.s. Is BF's credit all screwed up because she won't pay off the damn van? She is a piece of work!
Gotta LOVE the Internet!
Congrats on your findings! That'll make you breath a little easier!
Breathe a little easier
That's exactly it. We've been so financially strapped relying solely on my income for EVERYTHING, that I really do feel like I'm suffocating. I am looking forward to being able to breathe a little easier and stop living paycheck to paycheck.
Yeah Caitlin
Just make sure you have all the correct ammo before you drop the bomb. Anticipate her reactions and have responses ready.
As far as your SD., of course BM is going to tell her bullshit. Do exactly what I did. Explain that there is a state calculator that figures out support. And that you and Daddy are not trying to hurt Mommy, you just want to go by the law. Explain that Mommy may get angry about this and say things, but if you have any questions just ask us and we will always tell you the truth.
As far as Darkness, oh yeah, my brother is an accountant, when BF files claiming 2 of the girls, she should be getting a call from the IRS. And yes, thanks to her, BF's credit is completely F*#ked.
Get a load of this, 2 weeks ago, SD16 asked me about HER OWN credit. I was like, why? Her Mother put the new 'all in one cable' bill in the kids name. BM's brother even said to her, 'you want internet don't you.' I was like WTF, are you kidding me. SD16 said, no, they don't pay the bill and then get it turned on under another name.
It's she lovely.
And No, there is no reason ever to pay more that you should. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE DAMB BITCH WON"T SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS!!!!!!
Unbelievable
Wow, Darkness sure sounds like a winner! She is teaching those girls some valuable lessons about responsibility, huh? I'm glad you have an accountant brother to advise you on the tax thing. Darkness won't be getting something for nothing in this case, even if she is getting away with that crap with the cable!
As far as my fiance paying out the nose to BM, she knows that her spousal support goes away when she signs the divorce papers, so no wonder she's holding out! (And I thought it was just out of spite to not let us get married.) Oh, wouldn't I love to never have to work and live the life of riley off my ex, my father and the government like BM does! She cries poor, but she's never had to go without because everyone else picks up the tab for her. (sigh) Actually, I take that back - I'm glad I work hard and support myself and my family. I'm not one to sit back on my lazy ass and say I'm entitled to other people's money. No thanks! That's just gross.
I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT
The spousal support goes away with the divorce. Are freakin kidding me. That's why she won't sign! There has GOT to be away out of this.
That's it Caitlin, what state are you in? For the time being I'm out of work, I have all day to research this shit. I'm quite crafty you know, if I could pull off my BF's divorce all by my self with no lawyer, Guess what, I'm up for the challege.
If you want you can send me a private message.
Let me at her!!!
RE: taking 60% and expecting him to live
Before I came along, the poor guy rented a tiny room in a friend's apartment and still couldn't make ends meet because there just wasn't enough to live off of. I do not understand how it is legal to put a man under the federal poverty level to support someone else.
As far as the skids asking for stuff because Mommy can't afford it - we heard that ALL the time too. SD said that Mommy thinks I'm rich. (And somehow that would make me responsible for buying SD things?) I said I'm not rich, that I earn a good living but most of it goes out in expenses because I'm the only one to contribute to our household since Daddy can't. I did tell her about him paying out 60% of his income to support them and the other 40% went to repaying his debts so he had nothing left for us. I told her that I provide for her as much as I can too because I love her, but it's my decision if and when I can afford something. She doesn't ask for stuff quite so often anymore.
I'm just afraid that SD will be very hurt that we'll be "taking money away from her and her mom" when their take is that we can live off my income so they can live off his. Oooh, it's so unfair! Anyway, Beth - thanks for sharing your story. It helps me feel better that it's reasonable to share these things with SD. I just try so hard to keep her out of the middle, but that's just impossible when someone ELSE is putting her there.
tax time again
I can't comment on state support formulas, but am now an psudeo- expert in Federal Tax and children. The custodial parent gets to claim the children even if the divorce decree gave the other parent the child as the tax credit. It does not matter if your husband gave 50% or 100% support to the kids . Custodial mom can get the tax credit if she should so decide.
The custodial parent has to sign a release called an FORM 8332 this must be filed with the non custodial parent's income tax, if not custodial parent gets the exemption even if the other parent already filed taxes and claimed the child. The IRS does not care about the divorce decree or whatever previous agreeement the parents had. You are at the mercy of the custodial parent and need to have that form signed. You may have to hire an attorney to force the issue:
My husband was given one child as a tax credit from his divorce settlement. Bio mom kept claiming all three kids and my husband would end up amending his taxes and paying penalities. ( My husband was as poor as a church mouse giving her 35% of his wages and bio-mom knew he could not afford an attorney)
Once we married I had my attorney threaten her and her husband with a lawsuit and they had to amend their taxes that first year we were married. Now she reluctanly signs that form annually.
Yes it was costly but over all the years it payes off and she knows I mean business.
Good to know
Thanks for sharing - I had no idea about that FORM 8332. As you may have already read, BF does not yet have his legal divorce from his ex so for the past 4 years they've filed separately but married so they each basically get half of the exemption. Moving forward, we're finally getting a lawyer to close this thing and I'm quite sure that he will be able to claim their daughter every other year and I'm also quite sure that she'll try her darnedest to keep that from happening so we'll take your advice and have our attorney threaten her with a lawsuit if she won't comply. Thanks again for the info!
Court Ordered
They care if it's court ordered, because we ran into that. We showed proof via court ordered- not divorce decree- that BF was to have tax rights every other year, and BM had to pay back monies to IRS due to it. It happened another year, same thing happened. BM was pissed, but it was ordered by the judge that way. So, whether IRS cares or not, they care if there is an order and it's specifically laid out.
Good for you, Caitlin!
It's the same way in NC... we found this out when she took us back for more and ended up getting less, due to the fact that he had adopted my son and I was 8 1/2 months pregnant.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Well, it sounds like Ms. Greedy got what was coming to her!
I bet she spit nails when she found out she was getting less! I think I recall you saying something about that, how she just about ruined your pregnancy with the court nonsense, etc. I'm not looking forward to dealing with her tantrums over this as my pregnancy progresses and certainly not when the baby arrives. Ugh! At least I have a supportive (soon-to-be) hubby!
As for dealing with BM putting SD in the middle of all this financial adult crap, we are going to speak with Family Based Therapy in advance to head it off. We're hoping that they will convince BM to keep SD out of it, and if she refuses - well, it's just another nail in her coffin as far as custody is concerned.
The great news is, BF filed the petition to modify the support order today and we should hear back within 8-10 weeks. And here I thought it would be 6 months! Hooray!
That's even better news!
I'm so happy for you guys. You've been through so much. Enjoy your victories, you've certainly earned them. Yep, she was mad enough to spit nails. You should've seen the look on her face when I told the judge, "Well, go ahead and lock him up then, because we don't have the kind of money she wants. Just keep in mind that you won't get a DIME if he's in jail and not working." It was priceless! My husband was freaking out, but you know, I called her bluff and it worked. The judge told her she was being unreasonable. Just keep squeezing that stone, honey, someday you may get a drop of blood out of it! I'm betting that by the time it's all over, there will be more nails than wood holding together your BM's coffin!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Blood from a stone
Yep, BM is convinced that with enough squeezing, she'll get blood from that stone. My fiance tends to freak out and panic when she gets uber-demanding as well. Because until I came along, he was just so powerless to her. She just kept getting whatever she wanted on a silver platter. She knows how to play the victim so he's really afraid that a judge won't see through her act. I have a feeling though that this time around, no judge will make two children suffer financially so that another child can have it all. I'm hoping that this judge will tell her she's being unreasonable. That's certainly what the family therapists are telling her.
Caitlyn...
What state do you live in? Man, if only I could convince my DH that I NEED to get pregnant! LOL... It's not because I want a baby, because we NEED the added family unit for just this reason. LOL... (wink wink... jab jab)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Too funny!
Too funny! (In a sad sorta way.) The truth is, a lot of these BMs do use their uterus as a way to get a guaranteed pay check. Here's to giving them a taste of their own medicine!
p.s. I don't really mean that. I'm being sarcastic for anyone who might have been offended by that!
RE: Talking with SD
Keep it really vague when you talk with the SD. She does not want to hear anything bad about her mom or feel she needs to decide who is right or wrong in this situation; she always wants to be able to think her mom and dad are both right. When this has come up with Skids we try not to get into too much detail. And to always add something like "this is really between the adults and it's something you should not have to worry about".
When BM is broke we can always feel it. She gets a significant amount of alimony and CS, more than DH can really afford most months, but is very irresponsible with money. The boys start asking for more things when this happens and we get more and more accusations from her. During a "broke period" for BM, one time DH did say more than usual about this to one of his sons. When SS12 said "you never pay for anything for me" when told we wouldn't buy him something he asked for. DH explained to him that he knows it's hard to understand, but that he pays money every month to SS's mom and that is how he helps pay for the things he and his brothers need... and that this is not something he should have to worry about. SS seems to be at peace with this now, but hard to say what really gets said to him at his mom's or what he really thinks.
Congrats on getting the CS lowered. It really is crazy what some people are ordered to pay. Quick question though, you mentioned that she was getting credit for 0% of the income... what about the spousal support, shouldn't that be considered income for her? On my DH's CS worksheet that amount is directly subtracted from his income and added to hers...
Very good point!
For purposes of determining CS, alimony most certainly IS considered income. It's also income for tax purposes.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
My gut tells me to keep it vague
I agree with you that I should keep it as vague as possible for SD. I never ever ever want to be accused of badmouthing BM to her so I'm very careful of that. Thanks for reminding me that she just wants to be able to think that her mom and dad are both right. That's so true! It's so hard when she's pumped full of BM's side of the story and I don't want her thinking we're horrible people because her BM does.
As for spousal support counting as income, I don't know how in the hell it didn't get counted! I understand that she eluded the courts by omitting her disability income, but how on earth could they leave out the income they're awarding her right then and there?! WTF? Maybe (and this is very possible) my fiance misunderstood and it was counted? I'm just going by what he said - I wasn't there - and it was years ago. I wish I had their worksheeet to look at. We don't have a copy.
Definitely check into this!
CS can't be counted as income, but spousal support can be. Also, disability pay most definitely can be considered income, depending on the source of it. Maybe not for tax purposes, but certainly for CS calculations. Is she getting SSDI or SSI or both? SSI cannot be considered income for purposes of CS, but SSDI definitely is. In fact, you can even have SSDI payments garnished if she refuses to pay.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Hmm
Hmm, the lawyer we talked to said that her SSI should be considered income for purposes of calculating CS. Maybe he's wrong? (She doesn't get SSDI, by the way. As far as I know, anyway. She's not very forthcoming with her financial info!) Could it be different for each state? We'll find out at the modification hearing, I suppose!
I probably have it bass ackwards, as usual.
But that's good that your atty is up to speed on it. Let us know what happens. Forthcoming?! It's hard not to be forthcoming when you get that subpoena.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Actually, you were right
Little Jo - bless her soul! - did some research and led me to a VERY in-depth site with all the information about CS in my state that I could possibly want and more. It does say that SSI is exempt from the calculation. The attorney must have assumed she was receiving SSDI. Again, we'll find out at the hearing when she's forced by subpoena to be more forthcoming, as you say!
Interestingly, there is a bare minimum amount that they are supposed to leave a paying parent to keep him at the Federal poverty level for 1 person. My fiance is $7 above that bare minimum. And we're a family of 3, going on 4. Did you think I was kidding about him living below the poverty level? Granted, we have my income too, but my income is decimated by exhorbitant child care costs, which will be doubling, by the way! (sigh)
what are other states like ?
In Michigan the custodial parent has the right to take non custodial parent back to " Friend of the Court" every two years to review CS. It is a futile effort to try and get ahead by making more money as she will get it . The State claims that my income is not involved however I have to submit my W2'S with my husbands..isn't that a bunch of s*#@!
The year after we got married she did this and they raised his CS by $500.00 a month. She is at it again this year because we could not afford to give extra for SD's trip to Chicago which occurs around tax time.( Yearly we are hit with a huge tax bill). So we offered spending money for SD. Not good enough.
SD told us the day the arguement occured between my husband and bio mom that BIO MOM had a new Coach back sent to the house via UPS.. BTW she does not work.. all kids are in school full time!!!!
Interesting aside
Ok, so BM must have some sort of sixth sense. My fiance sent me the child support docket details and get this: she first filed a complaint for support on THE EXACT DAY WE GOT TOGETHER (how romantic, right?) and then filed for a modification on THE EXACT DAY HE DOUBLED HIS INCOME starting at his new job. She couldn't possibly have known about our first date and I highly doubt she would have known about him starting his new job unless SD figured it out and told her (we didn't tell either of them).
Come to think of it, since he was only making $16k when she first filed for support, she didn't get much at first. Maybe that was when they counted her income as $0, but when they modified and gave her spousal support in addition to increased child support, maybe they counted that as income for her that time? That would make sense.
Catilin,How can she
Catilin,
How can she possibly be getting spousal support when he was only making 16? Were they married for more than ten years, and can she prove she assisted him in his career? In my state spousal support is only granted after those things have been met. As far as modifying the support, SD must have said something, maybe by accident but that is a strange coincidence.
Sorry, let me clarify
When she first petitioned for support when he was making $16k, she got a very small amount of child support, no spousal. A few months later, she petitioned to modify the very day he got a new job making $34k. (Strange coincidence?) At this point, she got spousal along with a hefty increase in child support. Interestingly, his take home pay is now less than what it was when he was making $16k! Argh! Go figure.
They were only married 6 years, and she did not assist him in his career. She is bipolar and her psychiatrist says she can't work, so she is considered mentally disabled and therefore a dependent spouse. Keep in mind that their divorce is not final and that this spousal support is alimony pendente lite, meaning once the divorce is final, it's supposed to go away. They've been separated for 4 years, and she filed for divorce 3 years ago but since I came on the scene 2 1/2 years ago, she has slammed the brakes on the divorce proceedings. I had always assumed it was to prevent us from being able to marry, now I see it's to guarantee a hefty paycheck for as long as she can. My biggest worry is that since she is disabled, she will be eligible for permanent alimony. Either that, or once their 10-year anniversary hits in July, she'll be eligible for permanent alimony even though they were only living as a married couple for 6 of those years. Damn - do you think we need a lawyer or what? Yikes! (By the way, it's in the works. We're finally bucking up for one, using my tax refund. This is loooooooong overdue!)
In terms of her mental disability, she does receive SSI so I fear that there's no way for us to argue it even though the family therapists have recently told us that her psychiatrist is a big fat ENABLER and they totally disagree that she can't work. The way they see it, if she can handle volunteering at SD school and at every last extracurricular activity SD is involved in on a daily basis, then she could handle at LEAST part-time paid work. But why would she when she has all these paychecks coming in for free and a psychiatrist who lets her play the victim and makes excuses for her as to why she SHOULDN'T work? I think we should have the court appoint a therapist to evaluate her and see what they have to say about her ability to handle a paid job. And I am sure to accentuate PAID job, because like I said, she has SEVERAL volunteer jobs at SD's school, sports and band that she seems to handle just fine to an obsessive compulsive degree.
A conversation came up on here recently about how she used to jump from therapist to therapist because she didn't like what they had to say. As soon as she disagreed with them because they saw through her games and encouraged her to stop playing the victim, she'd drop 'em like a hotcake. I was baffled as to why she's stayed with this therapist for so long (it's been several years now.) It all became crystal clear when the family therapists told us that he is a terrible enabler. Aaaaah, it all makes sense now. He tells her what she wants to hear - even though it doesn't help her progress in her therapy one iota!
Anyway, I could write a book. (I think I just did!) Sorry for the long response to your simple question. I get a little carried away on this subject!
There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
Congratulations for your findings Caitlin! It really bothers me that a system set up to prevent children from being abandon is so greatly abused, and then the guilt trips are set in by "well these are the first kids, so the second wives/children should be punished." You and your bf are entitled to move on and live a comfortable life! Looks like that IS going to happen!
Yeah for Caitlin!!!
Bests,
Candice
Caitlyn...
Are you SURE that this women it's my SS's Mom?!?!?!? LOL.
Well, what I have to advice you on your last post is you have to find yourself a GOOD lawyer and nip it in the bud. You need to get this divorce finalized ASAP. Also, there is a specific clause... a court case... that I can't for the life of me remember off the top of my head, but it's specifically geared to the fact that BM is capable of working and must hold a job. If I could remember what it's called I'd type it for you, but I've looked through all our paperwork, and the particular one isn't here. But, the judge recognized the fact that BM was quitting her job mysteriously only a few months, or days before she filed or received paperwork of any court filings so as to appear that she was struggling and/or further her gain on cs. Anyway, the judge himself noticed a pattern with her, and the lawyer brought up this particular clause he used, and the judge agreed. So, it was stipulated in their agreement that mother had to hold a full time job. The only other option was she was to be evaluated by a court appointed psychiatrist, which the judge made very clear to her, would be assessing her for the court... not her benefit. Which she knew right then and there, she was caught in her game. Game over.
The only stipulate that would exempt her was if she were disabled, but in our state, she would need to get a full 100% disabled exemption because of this specific clause they used, and I know that's only granted through a judge in court here and a physician has to sign off on it. DH seems to think it won't matter, but a friend of mine got seriously injured from her work, went through years of workers comp, surgeries, doctors, etc, and finally, a judge just ruled her 100% disabled. That granted her full cap on cs, but not so when she was still in process of her workers comp case. (Father was a true deadbeat in this case, and didn't see his kids ever. She raised them solely on her own. All she got from him was his cs, nothing more nothing less, and she didn't ask him for nothing extra at all. She used to work in a butcher's shop, slipped on the fat buildup on the floor- because no one followed the safety code and cleaned up every night and management won't do anything about it- broke her hip/pelvis, back, 3 ribs etc. Oh, she was (still is) a mess. She had a heavy tray of chickens that she was trying to put in a rolling rack that holds all the trays that they wheel around, and that fell on top of her, plus the tray in her hands while she was all twisted up on the floor. Management refused to follow safety code.)
So, today my SS's BM is not working, but it's by her chose. But, the good news is she hasn't come after us for more money. I do believe that she's finally grown (or growing) up now. But she is preoccupied too, so we'll see as we go. So far, I'm in shock still because it's a very errie errie feeling to have her be soooo cordial, cooperative, almost friendly. It's very WEIRD. I just keep waiting for the ball to drop. You know, it's like the calm before the storm... :?
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
Finding a good lawyer
Finding a good lawyer is harder than I thought! The three that we've consulted with so far have either been marginally incompetant or a complete a$$hole, which is a good description of the last one. We've been looking for - what, a month now? I am soooo anxious to get the ball rolling on this, but honestly it's in BF's court. He makes appointments when I nag him -er kindly remind him- over and over again, but we still haven't found a good one we feel comfortable with to help us nip this in the bud. I'm like, get ON it!
Thanks for bringing that court case to my attention. I will be sure to ask the lawyer we eventually hire to look into it. We will need all the ammo we can find. Unfortunately, with BM, it's not that she has a pattern of quitting jobs before CS hearings, so it's less obvious that she could possibly hold down a job to support herself. I'm not even fully convinced myself, because I'm no expert! She very well may be mentally disabled - I just have serious doubts about the validity of that. And I'm not sure what that means for BF, because they were only married 6 years - I'm pretty sure that spousal support can be capped at 6 years because of that. He's already got 2 years under his belt, what's another 4, right? We'll see anyway. I'll ask the lawyer to look into getting a court-appointed psychiatrist to declare her 100% permanently disabled before we agree to any alimony post divorce.
As for waiting for the ball to drop, I'm glad you're prepared. Enjoy the nicey-nicey act while you can, but just know it's probably temporary!
Not all shrinks are created equal.....
In response to your last post about BM's shrink (easier to spell..lol) being an enabler....
I thought you were speaking of the BM in my situation. SHE BOUNCED from shrink to shrink because of the same reasons...didn't like what they had to say..they wanted to make her accountable for her actions....then she found the one she's had now for years.
This guy told my hubby that his wife was constantly messing around on him because she had a child young and was just going through her 'second childhood' and it was all perfectly normal...she'll come out of it when she's ready... kind of thing.....WTF???!!!!
I didn't do that in my childhood!
She's never been diagnosed or treated for anything besides depression from this guy..and I think her 'problems' are not normal....they go way beyond 'normal' ...I have no doubt she she has somekind of personality disorder.
I have to tell you this story....it's kind of embarrassing but a couple years ago
My hubby & I were told there was a huge sandcastle display at this beach (turned out wrong beach)so we go....no sandcastles...but along a provincial path..there's a nude beach...so we thought we'd check it out and have a giggle since we were so close. We didn't know this..but I guess the woods along the pathway of this 'provincial park' leading from the main beach to the nude beach is used for homosexual rendezvous...and all these guys were just standing off the path a ways.....and as we walked .... we started to clue in.... That's why the guys were all smiling and saying 'HI' to him...and barely speaking to me....;)
...........anyway.......who does he see...off the beaten path looking to 'hook-up' BUT HIS EX WIFES PHYCHIATRIST!!!!!!!
So suddenly it all made sense...no wonder he condones and supports her promiscuous life-style.......he's out hooking-up with different partners in the woods of a provincial park...so why shouldn't his 'patient' be out hooking up with different men via the Internet?!!
AS I side note to this......
Our tax dollars support and maintain this park....
SO men can meet and have sex in public....basically but I passed 4 'keep your dog leashed or you'll be charges' signs....along the way.
My dog was with us....so I let him loose...if they fined me for having my dog off lead...and didn't fine the men have sex in public in a tourist area..... the SHIT WOULD HIT THE FAN ... and the media..
Back to the subject....
Get as many 'second opinions' about her ability to work as you can... and what can you about gathering information...as in proof/documentation about her volunteer activities.. That's great ammo!!!!
PS. Isn't it a great feeling to know there's a way out....!! Yea..
When we took BM back to court to end spousal...our lawyer didn't think we could do it....but I did so much reseach...I KNEW I had the loophole. I spent hours and hours trying to find a way out...
So good on your for all your hard work.... Put the time in to learn the law, and case precident in your area....it's absolutely invaluable...
All the best.
Lovin-life
OMG, what a story!
I'm going to have to share that one with my fiance!
We will definitely be getting second opinions on her ability to work. It could really go either way, but it sure is worth looking into!
As for gathering proof about her volunteer activities, I have some websites where she's listed as the contact for certain things in SD's activities, but I wonder how I can prove how much time she puts into these "jobs". We could always contact others involved like coaches or teachers, but would that be something that the lawyer should do? I just want to be sure we don't waste time gathering evidence that won't be admissible in court because it wasn't gathered properly.