Advice, please
Whenever something comes up during non-visitation and we would like SD to attend, we usually request a change to BM in writing weeks or sometimes months in advance. She refuses to discuss it until it's too late and we end up disappointed. Knowing this, we never stop trying.
When I made my appointment for my ultrasound to find out the gender of the baby, my fiance wrote to BM a month in advance to ask if he could change their Tuesday night dinner to Wednesday night that week. (He didn't explain that we wanted to be able to tell SD in person if she was having a baby sister or a baby brother, he just asked if she could change nights.) She didn't reply, so he resent the email weekly until she replied "let's discuss this after the family therapy appointment." The appointment came and went and she still refuses to discuss it and now it's coming up next week. I think we all know how this will end up. We won't get SD on Wednesday but life will go on.
So my question for you guys is: when do we tell SD the gender? She knows the appointment is for the 28th - she's been counting down the days so I have a feeling she is going to ask right away and not want to wait a whole week till the following Tuesday Daddy/Daughter dinner. We really don't want to tell her on the phone with her jealous insecure mother breathing down her neck. How's that for buzz kill? I think it will totally ruin the moment for her when she has to soothe and comfort her sobbing mother who's jealous I'm having more kids and she can't, instead of celebrating the news with us. We really want to tell her in person.
I'm just hoping for some advice from you all because I truly do value what you have to say. What do you think? Tell SD over the phone when we find out or make her wait a week to be able to tell her in person and enjoy the moment as a family?
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wait until you see her in person
that's my vote. Experience the joy as a family, in person, where you can hug and kiss and see shining eyes. When she calls on the 28th, tell her the results will take a few days longer. It will be so much sweeter in person
How exciting for all of you!!!! Yay!
You wouldn't be in this mess....
if you would just listen to me and NOT find out the sex of the baby. lol. Brat. lol.
Kidding aside, in person would be much more meaningful. It's a crying same that BM won't let you change the visit.
Hang in there. Jo
I had a feeling Little Jo would chime in on this!
Thanks, Gwen and Jo, for letting me know what you think. I definitely want to experience the joy as a family in person, I just felt bad for keeping SD in suspense an extra week! Maybe I will take your advice and tell her that the results will take a few days, but I would feel super bad if she found out I lied to her. Hopefully she'll just accept that we want to tell her in person and not over the phone and leave it at that.
And Jo, yes I'm a brat because I won't listen to you and wait till the birth to find out the sex no matter how hard you try to convince me because I'm too impatient!!!
wait
You can always tell SD that appointment got changed if she asks early. Someday she will understand why the reasons for little white lies. Just tell her when you are ALL together. I have the same thing coming up and I dread what will happen. My gender ultrasound is a few weeks away. BM would never allow SS to go and we will just have to wait and tell him when we see him. SS is starting to see that there will be things he will miss out because he is with Mom and that really isn't a bad thing for him to realize. Just relish in the moment with you and your husband. If this is your first child.....then enjoy it within yourself....remember he has been through this before.
RE:
You can always tell SD that appointment got changed if she asks early.
My thoughts exactly! My vote is to wait until the next dinner, and if she asks prematurely just tell her the appointment was postponed and you'll have to tell her next week. Good luck with the ultrasound!
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Caitlyn
Is there ever a time when she needs something that is just not so critical that your BF can play the game back with her. And when he does this is there a way that when she says well "why not" that he can say you know its only because you continually make my life a living hell.
Sad to me that this 53 year old woman is so immature. That is my mothers age almost and damn I had such high hopes for ladies her age. LOL.
With all this being said, I think your BF should call her and ask her what exactly is driving her to behave like a immature teenager? Ask her if she truly understands what she is doing? I mean she seems to want him there but then she doesn't. She is lucky that she has not driven him out of his daughters life. She is wacked.. A loon whatever you want to call her. And her damage she is doing to SD is sickening. It should honestly be form of Child Abuse or Neglect. As a parent of two youngsters and believe me I have been thru some hells with there father and have actually wanted to punish him with no visitation because of his lack of wanting to financially help me raise them in my heart that is there father. I chose to marry him and have two children with him. And who would benefit from me playing the games she is, noone. The father yes would loose time with them, my kids would loose time with him and I would loose because eventually they would hate me for causing there time loss with him. I left him because I was not happy, my children however did not ask for the divorce and as parents we have a job to do as a team whether he has a new person or not. That is still there father as I there mother. There is not one person in the world that can ever take the place of the two parents you are born too.
This lady frankly I wish I could call her and talk to her from a bio's point of view and try to get her to see her errors. Because although you and your BF are loosing right now. Hers will come as SD gets older and realizes things on her own. At some point she will not be able to control her anymore. So honey with all I just said I want you to take that to the bank.
Telling the SD about the baby and the sex should be done person to person and you both should be there along with baby sister..
Hugs to you Caitlyn, because I am pissed off at this woman and I am not even in your shoes..
So my hat is off to you..
Happy
I'm with Jo on this.
Caitlin,
I was 35 when I had my one and only bio child. I decided to NOT find out the birth til delivery because I figured what other surprises are there left for me in life?? (Maybe hubby will throw me a fiftieth party someday but I doubt it...) Believe me, it WAS a very suspenseful 7 months BUT...oh so worth the wait. (Not only that, my friend was told she was having a girl...and guess what...she had her 5th boy!!! Guess his little pecker was hidden.) You don't even want to know how disappointing that was at the time! So seriously, sleep on it some more.....I'm hoping you'll listen to your friend Little Jo. Also, BTW, how many of you gals did find out beforehand? Are we, the waiters a minority?
Wait...
Lordy! You have to wait 9m for the baby to actually get here, anyway, what's one week?!?!? LOL..
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
a week to an 11y.o. is an ETERNITY!
Remember when you were little and hours felt like days felt like weeks felt like months felt like years when you had to wait for something? I myself am the most impatient person ever and SD is even worse than me! An extra week will just be agonizing to her! }:) I really admire the "waiters" - Little Jo and Bonus Wife et al. I just don't have it in me to wait 9 months to know who this little baby is going to be. I wanna know NOW! *stomping foot and harumphing*
As for BM refusing to discuss let alone consider the change in schedule, big whoop. I'm not going to let it get to me. We've got worse things to worry about! I don't plan to retaliate, because as much as I'd love for her to have a taste of her own medicine, I don't want to stoop to her level. I want to be able to truthfully say to the judge one day that we have done nothing but be reasonable, honest, loving parents and she has done nothing but try to stand in the way of our relationship with her daughter.
What better way to teach....
patiences? LOL...
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I couldn't wait either...
I had to know what the sex was all four times. The last time we even had a 3d sonogram just to make sure it was really a girl. (We didn't believe the doctors office) I don't know how anyone could wait an entire nine months... you girls must have the utmost patience. I wish I could wait, but I couldn't do it. Did anyone else ever unwrap xmas presents and then rewrap them so no one knew you had already opened them to find out what you were getting? Please tell me I'm not the only one that did that...
Welll.... truthfully....
I buy my own presents, then wrap them, mark them from either Santa or DH and put then under the tree. Boy is my DH surprised at some of the gifts he's gotten me! LOL. I don't remember getting that. (insert scratching smilie) It seems that the last few years, we pretty much already know what are gifts are because we've gone out and bought them ourselves (or with the other there). It started this way because I got sick and tired of 'writing a stupid list when asked', and no one using it, getting the complete opposite. So, how do you tell someone, OH how LOVELY, when you hate it! LOL. I'm not a nick-nacky person, but DH grew up giving nick-nakcy things because his mother is... as much as I love you and your mother...I ain't your mother, dear.
So, yes, I have 'peeked' on a few items. The last two years though, I've bought my own items and we even used it ahead of time, put the empty boxes under the tree! LOL
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
HA
Ha Ms. J....That I am VERY guilty of! (Thanks for the memories.) Took me what felt like hours to carefully remove the tape of one item and turns out it was plain ole "stationery." (Thought it was going to be a toy!) :>(
Wait? no way
The hospital I went to for my ultrasound has a strict policy on telling you the sex of a child, my OBG had to phone in a request for it at the time of my apt! So I found out, when I returned the following year for my second child I got lucky because the same technician did my ultra sound, so when she started with her "this hospital policy" I reminded her that the previous year she told me..."if you find a hamburger bun down there..it's a girl, if you see a turtle...it's a boy" I was lucky and had one of each! Since I have told friends who are pregnant and if you get a good shot of the zone the trick works!!!
Update - funny how things turn out!
Well, not 5 minutes after picking up SD last Friday, she says to me: "5 more days!!!" I said "5 more days till what?" - I actually didn't know what she was talking about because it was out of context. She thought I was being cheeky. She groaned and giggled and rolled her eyes: "Oh come ON! You know!!"
She was talking about the day we find out the sex of the baby of course and my heart kind of fell that she remembered exactly when we were to find out because I knew she wouldn't want to wait for us to tell her. We saw my parents over the weekend too, and my mom of course was telling me "call me the MOMENT you find out on Wednesday" and SD chimed in "ooh ooh call me too!"
Then on Sunday out of the blue, SD said "I can't believe I won't see you for 6 more days after you find out. I'm going to DIE waiting!" I was so relieved! She just came up with that on her own. I said "I know, isn't it torture? But I have to see your face when we tell you! It just wouldn't be the same on the phone, would it?" I think both of us were thinking: BM would ruin the moment. But we didn't go there. I told her: "We asked if we could change from Tuesday to Wednesday that week so we could tell you the day we find out, but we don't have an answer yet. Let's keep our fingers crossed!"
Then, a miracle happened last night. My fiance got an email response to his weekly request to BM to change the night. She had been ignoring his requests since we started asking a month ago, but SD must have talked to her about it because here is BM's email:
I understand that you want to change from Tuesday to Wednesday so you can tell SD the sex of your baby. There are no conflicts at this end - just make sure she gets all her homework done.
Wow, the happy plane is cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet! I will keep parachute and rip cord handy in the event of an emergency, but I will certainly enjoy sharing our exciting news with the WHOLE family tomorrow. Hooray!
fantastic
Enjoy your flight Caitlyn, I am sooo happy things are turning out the way you hoped for tomorrow! You must be soo excited, question..is it just girls in your family to date? Speaking as a mom with three boys and a girl....no offense to the men, but girls seem to be so much easier..lol
girls vs. boys
Funny you should ask, because my fiance has 3 girls and he is convinced that he is only capable of making girls, like his Y chromosomes flew the coop or something. We both think that girls are "easier" and I truly believe they are... until they become teenagers, that is!
If you're wondering how he has three girls, but I only talk about 2 of them, we have our 18-month-old daughter, 11-year-old SD and another SD in England whom I've never met so I feel odd even calling her my SD! We're really really hoping to fly her over to meet all of us. We'd love to do it this summer after the birth so she can meet all 3 of her younger half siblings. SD would love love LOVE to meet her older English sister. She's always fantasized about meeting her so I know she'd be thrilled if we could bring her over. I'd love to meet her too. From the phone calls we've had with her, she sounds like a lovely young lady. I hate being broke! I wish we could buy her a plane ticket whenever we want! It's a shame we don't live in the same country - especially because her BM is terrific! (Unlike someone else we know.)
lol
my dh had the two boys when we found out i was preggers the first time, so of course he bragged to all that it would be another stud in the family...haha i had such bad morning sickness, but vivid dreams about my little girl I wasn't surprised when they confirmed the "hamburger bun" with my second, do to feeding the first, and me thinking the baby fat was not going anywhere, low and behold the gas I had kicked one day...yeah I was almost four months before I realized what was going on! When I did finally clue in I knew with out the morning sickness I went through the first round my dh would be back to the bragging of his "stud services" lol.
It would figure your "good" bm is across the ocean eh? Hopefully soon you can all have a great family picnic together one day.
I was sure it was a girl the first time too
Either that or I just hoped and hoped that it was a girl.
This time, I really don't have an inclination either way. I did have one dream last week that it was a girl! However, I had morning sickness the first time, not this time. I craved sweets the first time, salty things this time. Maybe these are indicators it's a boy? Hopefully we'll know tomorrow. With my luck, the little bugger will have its legs crossed!
I love your story about your "gas" kicking you! It's true, those first flutters do feel similar to gas rumbling around in there! That's so funny that you didn't even know until the second trimester. How old was your little girl at the time? They must be pretty close in age, huh?
As for that great family picnic together one day, I'm looking forward to it. It WILL happen one of these days. And yes, it sure does figure that the reasonable loving BM is across the Atlantic and we're stuck dealing with a lunatic nice and close to home. Lunatic BM takes the fact that my fiance moved to the States with her and uses it against him all the time, too. She says that he abandoned his first family in England, he'll abandon his second family to his third (us). The difference is, I'm not forcing him to move to another country to have him to myself, which is essentially what happened with Lunatic BM. She didn't want to share him with his first family, so she moved in a manic jealous rage with their infant daughter. He left his job and life and family and followed her, thinking he was doing the right thing. He regretted that choice for many years! (Until he met me, of course!)
14months!
apart I mean, I stopped feeding my little girl July first, and my wee guy was born 13 days later....2 and 1/2 years of breastfeeding!! It wasn't planned that way, but when I was younger that is what I always thought I would want...funny how things work out. They are great together though...fric and frac. And when ss comes over they instantly become fric and frac and freak!! It's terrible the bm's don't realize how much fun these kids all have together when they start pulling their crap. Since bm1 has stopped visitation with the oldest (16) I have noticed my youngest doesn't draw him into his family pics, when I asked he said that's cuz he doesn't come home anymore...broke my heart
Wow! You're a champ!
I breastfed for the first year and when we finally weaned, I was sad that that phase was over, but I don't know if I could do it for 2 and 1/2 years straight! Whew!
I love your fric and frac and freak reference. How cute! Our girls get along like gangbusters too. See, I think my SD's BM DOES realize how much fun she has with her little sister, that's one of the reasons WHY she tries so hard to put an end to it. It's a threat to her. She might "lose" her daughter to us because she loves us so much. I just think it's deplorable that she can't put her own feelings of insecurity and jealousy aside and let her daughter have a life outside her. I'm sorry to hear that your youngest doesn't include oldest SS in his family pictures anymore. That breaks my heart just hearing about it.
Always getting your way. lol
Oh dear. I am so flipping happy for you that BM is going to let the visit change take place. That is GREAT news. I'm truely smiling ear to ear for you and SD.
Caitlin, you are my favorite Brat.
Hugs. Jo
Aw, I'm still your friend even though I'm a brat?
Aw, I'm still your friend even though I'm a brat and won't listen to you and wait till the birth to find out the flavor? (That's what we say in our family - will it be strawberry or blueberry?) It's so cute because my fiance and SD have coached our 18-month-old to say strawberry when asked because they both want another girl. They say, "Do you want strawberry or blueberry?" and she squeals "SAWBEEEEE!" and they clap and cheer and say "See? She wants strawberry too!"
Well, I am just rejoicing that we're getting our way this time. It's so rare so I will relish it and enjoy it for all it's worth, because I don't know if/when it'll happen again. Thanks for the hugs!