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I don't know what to say

Cadjsm's picture

I am 47 yo female.  No married but living with 53 yo father of 3 for almost 5 years.  I have one daughter of my own who is grown and has her own family.  His oldest is 31 and has his own family. #2 is 18 and I get along with him great.  His youngest is the issue.  He is 16.  The first 4 years he was awful to me. Everything I said or did was "mean" and reported it all to his father  who didn't understand I was only trying to teach him to be respectful.  His father "disciplined" me.  He made hurtful comments about the food I made, my hair, how big I was.  Everything. And his father was always defensive of him.  Over the years I have never been able to "like" this kid let alone love him.  It has gotten to the point where I don't  like to even look at him or talk to him.  Every time he opens his mouth I cringe because I just don't care!.  Now they are threatening to move him in with us permanently.  Because he doesn't like it  at his moms.  I don't know if I can stay here if that happens.  I don't know how to tell his father this is how I feel about his son.  I don't think he should be surprised because I've been telling him everything that has happened over the years.  I know all I'm going to do is make him mad and it will probably end out relationship but I think I would feel much better if this was said.  Please help!!!!

Comments

Areyou's picture

Yes I would tell him. If you bottle it up it will eat you up. If it ends your marriage then your marriage wasn’t strong to begin with. If he gets mad at you then he’s a gaslighter  

Survivingstephell's picture

Why would this brat want to move in with a woman he treats like crap????  

I would ask your SO what he is going to do to protect your from SS's hate for you? 

I would make it clear that none of your money goes to SS or makes up the difference if SO spends too much on him.  

I would make it clear that you are an adult, have no need to be disciplined by him or any other person and if you aren't treated with respect by both of them, there will be a consequence. (moving out, what ever you decide on) 

I would make it clear that totally responsible for SS and his needs and wants.  You will NOT be his maid, cook, taxi driver and any other role that SS tries to foist on you.  He is NOT your kid, therefore NOT your responsibility.  

I would make it clear that any inconvenience that SS tries to cause for you , you expect SO to handle,  (ie cleaning up, chores, bedroom, garbage, etc)  

Be ready with plan B.  5 years is a long time to let bad behavior go and they will rebel with your new boundaries.  It could turn into WW3.  Teens don't like to grow up and men don't like confrontation or parenting generally.  

Good luck and keep posting.  You will get support here as your find your feet 

 

Disneyfan's picture

Don't waste your time saying any of that.  He has lived it and perpetuated it for 5 years.

  Simply  say, it your son moves in, I'm moving out.  (Truth be told you should have moved when your SO first started  treating you like crap.)

However, you shouldn't say it if you don't mean it.   

Maxwell09's picture

You feel resentment because you’ve been second fiddle for years now. Any wife would be! Unfortunately you set the precedence when you stayed all those years of your DH not only choosing skid above you but also allowing him to be disrespectful towards you thus also modeling for his son it is okay to also treat you that way-because daddy does it! You could tell him how you feel but you already know how it will go...he will tell you to suck it up or pack up. I think your just hoping for a miracle this husband of yours has miraculously changed...but they don’t. They never change, they just get better at hiding who they are and that’s only if they care enough. In his age I’m sure he doesn’t care and won’t even pretend to do better for a “trial period.”  

Sorry dear. It’s hard. But it’s not worth living the rest of your life miserable. You did your raising and have successfully launched yours. 

ndc's picture

Do you honestly think that anything you say will matter?  This man has sided with his son every step of the way. He has "disciplined" you, which to me means you don't have a healthy adult partnership. You're not married. Why would you want to stay if he moves his kid in, when you know this kid has always, and more than likely will continue to, treat you badly?  Tell him you don't want to live with his son, and then when he moves him in anyway, you'll have to decide what you want for your life. If that was my situation and my partner moved the kid in over my reasoned objections, that man would NOT be what I wanted in my life.

Harry's picture

Work before,  It is not going to work now.  Have to tell DH it’s either him or ME. No other options.. Let him make the choice.  Then you know where you stand, and what to do.

still learning's picture

I bet skid doesn't like it at mom's house because mom won't let him discipline and abuse her. Your SO is mean and that's where his kid gets it from.  Time to remove yourself from their He Man Woman Haters Club!  

oneoffour's picture

I would tell SO "If SS moves in I am moving out. He is rude and nasty to me and you know it. You are allowing him to grow up and treat women this way and that is extremely unhealthy. I love you but this disrespect and namecalling and you condoning it has to stop. Does he treat any woman he doesn't like this way? Why do you allow this behaviour? If you choose him, I am gone. Promise."

Actually I would start looking for a new place now because this relatonship is doomed. Soon you will have SS being a meanboy and his dad gaslighting you that none of it happened or you did something her upset his meanboy son. And even if he doesn't move in, read my 2nd sentence in this paragraph. You are better than this. SO Much Better.