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Why are Single Moms so bad but Single fathers are so great?

Momma788's picture

I've been seeing a lot of stuff on YouTube by a large group of men. They seem to be really hateful toward women especially single/divorced moms. 
All the red flags they talk about with single mothers I have experienced with my husband. 8 years in and the only thing that has changed is that SD got older and wants to be with her friends more. 
They sit talk about how horrible single mothers are and don't date them but then go on to say how single fathers are "not like that" Honestly I see no difference. There's not a lot of warnings about dating single dads and it's actually encouraged. I feel I into the trap of feeling bad for my husband and feeling guilty for actually wanting to have time with him. I felt bad about saying no to being a free babysitter while his Ex drank herself silly and he worked. I had to take second place and put up with not having any of my needs met because if I said anything I was a selfish b&tch. It was embedded in my head that I needed to do these things. When a woman turns down a single father she is selfish and shamed, but when a man turns down a single mother he gets a high five and praise. I don't understand it. 
Stepfathers are seen as hero's while stepmothers are seen as evil. Why is it like that? 

It kind of makes things really depressing. What are your thoughts on this.

 

advice.only2's picture

I think it's men feeling emasculated by their own insecurities that a woman didn't want them. Or it might just be they are completely immature a$$holes. It could also be that many of the BM's they are finding are the same GUBM's we come on here to complain about.

Rags's picture

As sad as it is, this is actually a thing.  There is something emasculating about being dumped by a wife.  Particularly for men who were all in on their marriage.   Fortunately... at least for me.... I was smart enough to recognize that her lack of character and morals were not my fault nor were they my problem.  

Losing a wife to another man, or in my case, a loooooooonnnnnnggggggg list of other men is earth shaking enough.  My GrandDad had a friend who lost his wife to a woman. That guy was F'd up beyond measure over that.  He did land on his feet with an amazing new wife and they are to this day very happy.  Nearly 30 years after his wife flipped the script on him.

I am sure it is no less devastating for a woman to lose her DH to another momen, or to a man for that matter.

simifan's picture

The expectation of parenting roles are still far too traditional for the rate of divorce. Women are still seen as the primary parent. Second wives often get trapped in that role & are supposed to "love them like your own" including babysitting, paying for, and anything else the father doesn't want to be the bad guy for. Second husbands are still seen as the breadwinners. If they work and maintain the household, something most would do whether there were children or not, they are successful. 

 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Women are seen as being instinctually maternal. Being a single mom is expected if they are no longer with the father. If they are a single mom to unruly kids, then they are not only a sucky mom, but a sucky woman, too. Toss in how having a kid means you had sex, and being female with a former sex life makes you a wh*re, and it's easy to see why single moms are vilified.

Men, however, aren't expected to be equal/good parents. They aren't "built" that way. So, if you are a single dad who takes even minimum visitation, you're a "good dad" because you could have just been a deadbeat, which seems to be the standard. If you're a single dad with 50/50 or primary custody? You're Father of the Year and BM must be very, very awful.

Basically, it's taking very broad strokes across both men and women and making judgments based on that. Personal opinion, too, is some men are not happy that women are making great strides toward being independent from men. It's a double-edged sword: these particular men want a woman they can control, but want her to have her own assets. Very few women who can handle their own life want someone who is going to dictate what they should/can do, and that makes these men very grump.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

From what i've seen most men online bashing single mothers are these "red pill" guys who are bitter about women in general. They tend to be misogynists and the things they complain about can definitely apply to men, but they won't see it.

The double standard about single moms vs single dads really pisses me off, though. Moms vs dads period, really, even married. A mom is judged if the kids don't look well-groomed, if everything for school isn't perfectly in order, their behavior is bad, pretty much anything. A dad gets high praise for simply keeping a child alive for any length of time. I'm not usually one to talk about gender bias, but it does exist. Women are expected to do all this and often bring home as much or more money as men. It's crap, really!

Momma788's picture

Yes the "red pill" community. I have watched many of their videos and it's really depressing. I'm all for gender roles and that the sex's are different and we need each other but what they are saying makes me sick to my stomach. I have no problem staying home with kids and keeping up the house but it is true that over the years I've been expected to care for my kids. care for his kid, take care of the house, take care of my husbands needs, stay thin and make a bunch of money. This is what's expected of us and yea because I've been less then perfect let's just say there's members of my husbands family I refuse to be around.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

These guys, i think, really want a relationship but they are socially awkward and get rejected by women, so they try to convince themselves women suck. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

If men want women who keep the kids and house and themselves spotless and presentable, then they need to make sure they're making enough money to support that AND keeping themselves in tip-top shape.

I personally despise gender roles because I don't see the point. But some like them, which is fine. But if a man is going to nitpick your wife over them, then he needs to be equally nitpicking himself.

I have some male family members who feel they are owed a hot wife, clean house, and quiet kids. Maybe if they made more than $15/hr and did a little cardio from time to time, they could have that.

Gimlet's picture

There is a healthy discourse about men's rights (men often do get the short end of the stick in court) and then there is the angry and misogynistic red pill community - supported by the incels and the MGTOW dudes.  Some of their ideas on women are deeply troubling.

Single parents are a double-edged sword, aren't they?    On one hand, single moms are judged more harshly than single dads and have far higher expectations. Rumple makes a great point about dad just keeping the kids alive and getting kudos. 

I think that goes back to how men are raised a lot of the time.  There are exceptions, but most men don't tend to think of being the ones doing the emotional labor that comes with running a home and raising kids.  I believe that's why we see so many of them on here who can't wait to foist all of that on their current wives or even girlfriends.  And those women are expected to be thrilled to do it, lol.

On the other hand, there are some single moms who milk it for all it's worth and actually prevent the dads from helping more.  We see that a lot here too, and since women are considered the "default" parent, the bitter ones can use that advantage all day long.  

I think we need social change for both moms and dads to shift expectations for both roles.

P.S. I do think moms get the brunt of the judgment.  People look at a messed up kid and it's rarely "Where is his/her father?!"  it's usually "Where is the MOTHER!?"

Movingonisbest's picture

There are exceptions, but most men don't tend to think of being the ones doing the emotional labor that comes with running a home and raising kids.  I believe that's why we see so many of them on here who can't wait to foist all of that on their current wives or even girlfriends.  And those women are expected to be thrilled to do it, lol.

Gimlet, I  assumed this is the way things would be in dating or being in a relationship with a man with minor kids. That's why I don't date men with minor kids. However, I didn't know some men expect so much even when their kids are no longer kids but adults. 

I knew it wasn't my imagination, and as the relationship went on I realized my ex was looking for me to be a mom to his adult kids. He would even tell them I was their stepmom and I didn't even know them. It was like he was trying to force me to take a role in their life even when I objected to it. At one point he actually told his youngest daughter I was her mom. I was like wtf?? I told him I am not her mom, she already has a mom. 

His adult kids were a huge source of stress and a huge financial burden on him. My adult kids are independent and really don't cause me stress. My ex, however, thought I was going to take on the burden of his poorly parented adult kids. I really didn't understand it at first. But as he continued to push, I boldly objected. I told him those are not my kids, and they are not my problem.  I told him he needed to figure out a way to deal with his mess of kids and keep me out of it. I told him I raised my kids, and I wasn't re-raising his kids (or anyone else's for that matter). I also told him I don't ask or expect him to play a parent role for my adult kids so he needed to stop trying to force that on mewhen it comes to his.

He was having a hell of a time trying to manage all that life was throwing at him. I was a support system for him. However, when all his adult kids started placing their burdens, financial burdens, and life's problems on him and his youngest adult daughter started having tantruns, I got off that sinking ship.

A person can choose a more peaceful life or a chaotic life. Men are in denial if they don't realize some of them bring just as much, if not more, baggage to a relationship than women.

Gimlet's picture

Completely agree.  There are so many men who are ill-equipped to be parents, let along single parents.  They depend on the women in their lives to run everything and expect them to suck it up and clean up the mess.   You are right, it doesn't end when the kids are no longer minors, either.  There are still those relationships to manage and if they man was unsuccessful with this parenting, plenty of burden to go along with it.

I am glad you bailed out of that sinking ship. 

Movingonisbest's picture

Gimlet, they really expect the women to suck it up?? Ridiculous. My ex really misjudged me. I put the responsibility for his adult kids right back on him every time he tried to force it on me. I mean is it really that difficult to stop enabling adult kids? Give them 30 days notice (possibly 60 days because of corona virus) that all resources will be cut off and enforce it. If they can't gain independence in 30-60 days, set up an appointment with a military recruiter instead to see what they have that might help. Some men make  these situations alot harder than they have to be imho. 

OKtoStep's picture

Right now my stb ex is DD's primary parent. He has a long string of women all fawning over him and praising him for his bravery and hard work. They all pitch in and "help". In reality, DD spends most of her time with these strange women (4 locally and one "back home" who sends DD oversized hand me downs), often times not seeing DH for days at a time. She is delivered to me dirty, with absurdly too big or too small clothes, hair unbrushed and he's pulled her out of all the extra curriculars I had her in.

If I did ANY of that I would be a terrible mom. Can you imagine if I took DD and just dropped her off at some dude's house then asked him to drive her to a whole other dude's house to spend the night? If I let her leave the house in leggings with a hole in the crotch? If I refused to take her to urgent care after 3 days of vomiting? 

I have to say thank God for the stalk community that you guys have spent years pointing out that dads should be held to as high a standard as mom. Ex DH tried to tell the court that DD never have medical care growing up. Never saw a doctor or dentist. I was able to point out that if she had suffered that severe of medical neglect, he would be just as to blame as I am. Again, moms are held to a different standard even in the context of marriage. It's dumb.

Gimlet's picture

Ugh, that brings back memories of morning latch key calling me to bring DD clothes because he had dropped her off in ill-fitting, stained, dog hair covered clothing.  Again.

Or the times they would call me because she was still there and he "forgot" it was his day.

She had a terrible strep infection when she was 4 days old and he called me "an insane hypochondriac" for taking her back to the hospital.  Thank god we were together or she might have died if she was in his care. 

And thank goodness for his brother's wife, who would stop him from putting her in the car after he had been drinking, something I didn't find out about until years later or I would have lost my mind.

OKtoStep's picture

Oh my god. He has German shepherds and my NEW car is covered in dog fur because DD is too. 
 

And I've got one better for you. He lets her drive the riding lawn mower and take rides in airplanes with whoever is flying out where he keeps his plane. Just, whatever, have fun in that 2 seater prop plane with Bob up the row. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I apologize, i should have been more clear. I meant Oktostep's stbx sounds like one. He totally does...