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O/T - Trying to keep my head above water

beyond pissed-off's picture

I can't tell you what a comfort the StepTalk community has been to me. I am going through a really difficult time now. I had separated from my husband 4 years ago completely amicably but we put off the divorce because he was in a very bad place financially. We were married for 17 years - more good than bad - but finally called it quits because I needed to have children in my life and he refused to consider adoption. I tried to had natural children but was unable to carry to term and (not to be dramatic) nearly died the third and last time I tried. Last rites and the whole shebang.

I got in touch with my first love and we got together and were so happy. The problem continues to be that he has 3 children from his first marriage and a very angry first wife who, although she did not have to work ever since her first son was born (ss16) and now gets $6K a month in support, still refuses to let him go and get on with his life.

My husband recently died - he died on Thanksgiving night of this year. He was never anything but kind to me - even after knowing that I reconnected with my first love who was someone he knew since childhood and never really got along with. He was such a good man and we still talked and texted and sent presents on birthdays and christmas with the full knowledge of both my fiance and his girlfriend.

The 3 skids are completely PAS'd and have been told by the ex that I am the reason for the breakup of the marriage. She takes no responsibility for anything - her sins are essentially wiped clean since he found happiness with me. She is a saint and the children believe it completely. They even believe that their father has left them i poverty. Poverty???? I am an attorney who has moved from one state to another, taken a full bar and started a practice on my own making next to no money (as in taking zero salary most months after paying my assistant and all bills) but she get $72,000 a year tax free for nothing!!!! Yet they hate me.

Anyway, I am rambling. I am depressed like I have never been. FH is taking his anger and frustration out on me because BM will not sign divorce papers and his children refuse now to come over. He told them in the beginning that they did not have to meet me until they were "ready" which gave them enormous power and they used it to their advantage. I warned him but he would not listen.

I have given up everything for him. I left my friends, my practice, and a life of a clean house and plenty of money for things that I enjoy. But I have nothing to show for it. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself and maybe this is karma coming back on me in a big way. But I hate my life and I hate what I have become. I just feel lost. Thanks for listening.

Comments

beyond pissed-off's picture

Thanks for replying. I don't want to leave him. I love him and have loved him as long as I can remember. I just want a family. I want to adopt a child of my own. I will never be whole until I have a child to love and nurture. I have so much love to give and no where to put it. I adopt every stray animal that comes my way and it still does not fill the need. I had hoped that his children would be enough but I have been rejected. It is not their fault though. I have always believed that a child can never have enough people to love him or her but their mother destroyed that possibility. I can't blame them for that.

Words can not express how much I love him and how wonderful he is. He is just blinded by what he perceives to be his obligation. He can not see beyond the brainwashing that his first wife gave him. I would give anything in the world to form a family with him. But it seems as if it will never be. I really don't know how to go on. I am dying by inches.

Most Evil's picture

Hi hon, I am sorry to hear about all this and will pray for you to find some resolution. I am also childless, but never even got to the point of trying to have one, because no really stable relationship until almost age 40.

I don't know why some men resist adoption. I considered becoming a foster parent, but we really can only afford a small place, and my DH was not into that either.

All I can say is if you pray, pray for resolution in your heart. I have escaped with only the mildest baby fever, never was really drawn to small children, that is why a man with an already partially grown child was appealing to me. But have considered volunteering for a cause, ex. home for unwed mothers, etc., that would fill your heart and meet your need to love.

Please keep us posted. From my viewpoint, you have so many wonderful advantages!! I know you love this man, but there are many men in this world, some of whom may match your views more closely, during this limited time we have left. Pray about that too imo! HUGS