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Still at my office

beyond pissed-off's picture

FH is....moody to put it nicely. Last night we were having a perfectly nice evening until BM texted and then like clockwork he started getting nasty - to me. I got up from bed where we were watching tv and went downstairs for the evening. I have been through this routine enough to know that it will only escalate and I am just not going there. This morning he apologized but when he then just HAD to call BM and rehash the issue they were texting about he again turned nasty and picked a fight.

I am so sick and tired of him turning his anger and frustration on me! He says it is because he feels "defensive" because I have said in the past that BM and the skids walk all over him and lets himself be emotionally blackmailed. Purportedly he is NOW turning over a new leaf but he feels that I do not believe him. Well, I don't! I watched him get treated lik shit for years and ask for more. Why would I believe now that all will change overnight without seeing some real change???? Besides, I don't know how I would even "signal" that I felt this way if I wanted to! Until something happens there is nothing to say "good job honey!" about. I tried saying that I am sure he will handle things well when they come up but that sounded stupid and condescending.

Anyway - I am still in my office at 7:15 on a Friday night and really don't feel like going home. I have a comfy chair, a tv and total privacy. I haven't heard from him all day which is unusual unless he is angry at me. Why the hell would I want to go home and deal with him and his misplaced anger and frustration?


beyond pissed-off's picture

I am really tired so decided to come home. BAD idea. Silent treatment from FH. I asked him how his day was and he said "well, things did not go well this morning so I am waiting to see if it continues." I told him that was entirely up to him and he gave me one of those '"yeah, right" looks. Yup - it was ME that was rude and nasty this morning. Amazing what these men can convince themselves of when they need to protect their egos and self-image!

z3girl's picture

My DH does this too! If he's mad about anything, it gets taken out on me. Worse yet, he doesn't tell me that things are up with BM or SD20, and when I confront him later about why he's giving ME and attitude, he'll say that he doesn't tell me things because they're his problems, not mine. As if the attitude doesn't automatically make everything my problem too! Six years into things and he still hasn't realized it affects me to. Ugh.

beyond pissed-off's picture

FH has "offered" to stop telling me what is going on w/ BM and the skids. I put offered in quotes because it is usually more like "fine - I'll just stop telling you what is going on since you can't seem to handle it." *I* can't handle it???? Yeah - THAT is the problem....

I used to do the "no honey - I really want to know/be involved/blah blah blah." Now I just say "whatever." Just as your situation illustrates, it will make absolutely NO difference one way or the other. He can't/won't/doesn't know how to deal with them so his answer is always going to be to bark at me either way.

beyond pissed-off's picture

LOL!!! They would make a FORTUNE! More than with Viagra, Ambien and Paxil combined.....

But the first family calls him a dead-beat already - even though he pay $6k a month in support! - so nothing lost there.

beyond pissed-off's picture

That is awful that she uses the money - for anything! - that she is given for health insurance. I am surprised that the court does not insist on proof that she has in fact purchased it or she will lose the money. Bulimia is no joke. I hope that she can find counseling! Perhaps there is something through her school?

$6k is major I agree. He has 3 children - all with his ex-wife. The $6k also includes spousal support. She is a stay-at-home mom and refuses to work. He has a very nice income but that amount is really hurting us as you can imagine. The real killer is that she will not finalize the divorce because she wants even more including his inheritance - which is clearly non-marital - but FH is too worried about the opinion of his spoiled darlings to force the issue into a court proceeding. She tells them that they are one step away from welfare and the kids constantly tell him that mom is broke and can't afford food for them. Lying evil bitch!!!

beyond pissed-off's picture

How is the disengaging going? I am working on it but it is really difficult. Supposedly when you do the father "steps in" and takes over. Uhmmm...not so much. Chaos reigns supreme!

And yes - they are f*ed for life. They are 16, 14 and 13 and you will never meet more spoiled, entitled, compassionless children. Such a waste because they are smart and attractive but they genuinely believe that everything WILL be handed to them. They have a terrible surprise coming.

Kes's picture

It does sound like DH has trouble distancing himself from the drama. This was my DH's problem too for a number of years, but he has got better at it over time. Now if NPD BM tries to engage him in it, or even raises her voice on the phone, he puts the phone down. If SD17 starts raging at him he refuses to participate, which usually results in her walking out of our house and catching the train back to BMs.
I had therapy for 2 years, and the most useful thing the therapist ever said to me was "Remember, its not YOUR drama". This helped me detach myself. Disengaging IS hard, but its the most logical response in this kind of scenario.