Any advice for handling an alpha skid?
My partner has three adult daughters, all in their 30's. Long, long, long story short, he and I have been together for 12 years, their mother passed away a year before he started dating me, and the daughters have completely refused to accepted our union. I am quite a bit younger than him, but have been nothing but a committed partner to him, and fully intend to stay with him for life. There is the eldest daughter, and two younger twins. The twins have periodically individually expressed an interest in getting to know me, but the eldest always got them in check fast, and has maintained this dysfunctional united front against us. Everyone seems afraid of her, even my partner to a certain extent, although to his credit he has put us first and held that line. But after her mother's passing, the eldest seemed to think she had the right to take place as the matriarch of their family, was outraged that my partner would not cut ties with me at her command, and has not allowed him to have a relationship with his only grandchild as punishment.
Ironically, this EXACT same scenario took place in my own family early on in my life, where my maternal grandmother died, her husband, my grandfather got remarried, and his three daughters, but most especially the eldest, made life utter hell for his new wife. They drove the new wife into near poverty after he died, and caused her actual PTSD with their relentless abuse. I fear the same might happen to me one day.
Any advice for this specific type of dynamic, and how to handle the ringleader skid bully?
Thank you.
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Well, your SO is great that
Well, your SO is great that he's continuing to put you two as a couple, first. I take it he's remaining steadfast in not bending to your SD despite being cut off from his grandchild? If so, that's a great start. It shows that he's not willing to bend to her commands. However, the type of person your SD is to be an adult and still be acting like a primary school mean girl who gets mad at Flossie for playing with Suzy likely has major issues and she'll ramp shit up until she gets her way.
To protect yourself from the poor house, you and your SO need to get a will and a living will. Sure, your SD can be advised that what's coming to her isn't in jeopardy due to you coming along, but her dad does have a spouse now and you will be looked after should your SO pass before you. When I bought my house and invited DH to either come or stay with his adult baybeeeeees, the first thing we did was get our affairs in order because we knew damn well that the mini-wife would come after me full throttle. It wouldn't have mattered that I was the one who bought the house because SD would make a claim that I was able to buy it because of DH paying for everything else which freed up my money. So, sit down with your SO and discuss the unpleasant topic of what happens when he passes and what happens when you pass and get to a lawyer asap. Also, do a living will. In my career I've seen screaming matches across a person's deathbed over who has say on who pulls the plug and who gets what. It's insane how some people can hate someone more than they love someone.
Thank you. He does have an
Thank you. He does have an estate plan in place, thankfully, I just worry seeing as how my grandfather's daughters destroyed his poor wife. Granted, this was in another country, and I don't think he had the same protections in place.
Will, living will, and
Make sure his estate plan is complete.Do you have one?
Will, living will, and durable powers of attorney for heath care and finances. Then double check the beneficiaries on things that have them. You might also consider a post nuptial that lays everything out clearly. And if you are being double cautious when you do this, you would not share a lswyer.
We have a prenup. We each used our own lawyer. We each used our prenuptial lawyer for our wills and powers of sttorney. We expect trouble after the death of one of us, but we have done our best to head it off.
Thank you. Yes, we both have
Thank you. Yes, we both have an estate plan in place. I completely agree and relate with your last sentence about expecting trouble but being as prepared as possible.
Another vote for legal
Another vote for legal protections. We have a revocable trust that converts to an irrevocable trust when the first spouse dies.
Alpha daughter is a good description. I have one of those too, who assumed wife status when DH and BM divorced. She cried when we got engaged (she was nearly 30 and engaged herself).
I blame DH for much of it due to friend-parenting and fear of losing her.
And yet they are currently estranged because "he was never there for her." He has no idea what that means and she won't say. My life is peaceful, but he misses her. They're going to have to figure it out...or not...on their own.
Leave his daughters to him. You are simply "dad's wife" and they can accept you or not. He buys the gifts, remembers birthdays, plans dinners with them, etc. You attend events as you choose, and he insists on civility from them.
You definately have your work
You definitely have your work cut out for you. I would know because my OSD28 is the queen B and I don't mean the kind that makes honey. In her case, she takes after her BM who is the queen B of the queen B's.
I have heard horror stories of partner's trying to come into a widowed partner's life but I do not have any personal experience with that aspect.
We have been through many phases. I went through the trying to educate DH phase, the SD's are just kids so I have to take care of them phase, the trying to be super understanding and unintrusive in my SD's lives phase, the I can't deal anymore phase and I am going to enjoy my life and if enjoying my life means my marriage ends, so be it phase ... Plus many more than I can name.
Read the book "Stepmonster" if you haven't already. Make sure you have your own hobbies, interests, friends, work etc ... outside of your relationship. Set boundaries. I loved the Eckhart Tolle books that Mia recommended as far as a strategy to deal with this is type of situation.
Thank you. Yes, we've been
Thank you. Yes, we've been through many phases as well. To his immense credit, he has come a long, long way in recognizing the horribly manipulative dynamic for what it was, and drawing a line in the sand with them. A long way. Even so, it came at a huge cost to me. I still worry about what the future holds all the time, and if I'm being completely honest, I would advise women contemplating a relationship with a widower with adult children, daughters especially, to RUN. In most cases it's just too much, and life is too short for this insanity.
!
Phoenix2019, I feel for you! "Alpha Skid" is a good description of the steps many here have had to deal with. I have one too. Recently DH and I were talking about OSD and the inital 'verbal assault' she launched upon me. He thought she was trying to "assert her dominance". If that was her thought process, that is really sick. Why not, instead, get to know each other and bond over our shared love for my husband/her dad? I fully intended to love her simply for the fact that she is my DH's daughter. She has made that impossible; she has yet to show me any behavior that I could even remotely like...or tolerate.
What to do about it?
Personally: Fight back! With poise and dignity. Say "No" and mean it. Let your husband know that you will not tolerate the abuse. (My DH did not even recognize that he had been being abused. OSD's behavior is decades old dysfuction that is allowed by her bioparents and extended family. No one would stand up to her ugly. Yes, her 'ugly' was that ugly.) That was a tough one at first because patterns are hard to break. I never reacted to her abusive behavior and I pointed out all of it. Just the facts; unemotional and unsugarcoated so he could feel the 'sting'. He needed to feel the sting and understand how it affected his marriage. Also, I steeled myself to his family's opinions; people who toss you under the bus and sweep her behavior under the rug for their comfort mean nothing to me. I can honestly say I tried at first, but the price for their approval was not one I was willing to pay. Last, go low to no contact if needed. No, this is not a first line defense but some people do not learn and leave you no alternative.
Legally: As many have mentioned, get your affairs in order with a competent attorney. Sooner, rather than later. Review documents every 3-5 years and make any changes needed.
I am sorry you continue to go through this; I hope you find satisfactory resolution. Blessings to you.
Thank you so much! All great
Thank you so much! All great advice.
You deal with an Alpha by dominating them. They are then no
You deal with an Alpha by dominating them. They are then no longer the Alpha. You deal with them by being the Alpha and make defending that status your eternal hill to die on.
Not a chosen tactic at first, but it is what I landed on in my blended family marriage. I had to take the clear and dominant Alpha position against the SpermClan and unfortunately also with my IL clan. My DW is incredible confident and very capable of defending herself. However, she is also forgiving and insists on giving a nearly infinite number of chances with a hope-ium driven empathy that "they" have learned their lesson. Something I am not willing to do. I trust until someone gives me a reason not to trust them. From then on, i do not trust them. They live under the hairy eyeball of my distrust and I never tolerate any crap from them once they have proven who and what they are..
It took a very long time before the SpermClan learned that I never give up and I never quit. In her small shallow and polluted gene pool world SpermGrandHag held the Alpha position. My bride would not tolerate it and left SpermLand with her then less than 1yo child to attend an accelerated degree program university out of State so she could provide a life for herself and her child. That is were we met. We married 8mos later. 4mos after I graduated. At that point we took and then continually grew the dominant financial position over the SpermClan. The Hag did not give up, so she suffered. Over, and over, and over again. Ultimately she lost any relationship with my SS. We won. They lost. The Hag had never faced someone who dominated her completely until my bride and I chose to make a life together. Her crap made such an impression on our son that he wrote off his SpermClan completely once he reached adulthood and aged out from under the CO. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen. Our prime position was to protect our son's best interests and to counter the toxicity that was led by the SpermGrandHag.
My IL clan also tried to play games. Though none of them are Alpha in nature. They are subversive, conniving, back stabbing, manipulative game players. I do not play games. I bare their asses and have my bride's back. She is the only person in her family who has made a notable life for themselves. Over the 3+ decades of our marriage she has learned who and what they are and no longer tolerates their crap. She loves them and grieves for who they are and for a quality relationship with them. But she has no delusions regarding the whole situation. I no longer need to dominate when they step out of line. She does it. Though it breaks her heart to have to do it. She knows I have her back and if she needs me to step in that I will and no one will like it if I have to.
My only concern is her. My ILs are not bad people.They are extremely emotionally unintelligent,totally self serving and instant gratification driven. Unlike my bride.
So, set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance you demand from your SKidults and Alpha the shit out of them. Without quarter, without consideration of anything but their compliance to the standards you require. Particularly with the ring leader.
When you continually go for the bully ring leader Alpha Skidult's throat, the minion SKidults will wilt because they will see nothing but their bully sib getting out Alpha'd brutally without fail.
This actually returns the greatest level of peace to you and your mate. Even if the former Alpha never gives up. They do crawl in their hole and remain there for some time until they think you are backing off. Make sure they learn that you never back off when they do crawl back out of their hole. Instantly put your fangs at their throat and dominate, dominate, dominate. The facts are a major tool to enforce Alpha status. So have them ready, and bare the SKalpha's ass as frequently and brutally as necessary to get the point across.
Never give up.
Good luck.
Take care of you.