Update SS20's Bedroom
So Wednesday night we got home to find SS20 had stopped by and picked his stuff up off the bedroom floor and threw his garbage out. He didn't vacuum or dust like DH had asked. Also every surface i.e. desk, nightstands, dresser, was/is cluttered with garbage and junk.
DH called SS20 and they argued. SS20's argument is that he is too busy to do it, has too much school work and is working at his welding job-blah,blah,blah- oh and SS20 thinks it doesn't pay to dust or vacuum because it just gets dirty again. SS20 also thinks we get too much vacation and with all the time we have off we should clean his room.
DH laid into him and told him that family comes first and that he is asking him to do this and that SS20 has basically no other chores and has no time for our family and is using us. SS20 smarts off that DH told him to clean it and he did.
To which DH countered, "go back an read your texts, I asked you to clean your room, texted you what I wanted done: pick up and put away your clothes, take garbage out, dust and vacuum. Also gave you a deadline, was clear on the task. By the way this is how you tell us that you want us to request your help, so we did."
DH also added that he's more than happy to spend less time on the family and more time on himself doing the things that he wants to do. SS20 was speechless.
DH and SS20 ended the conversation with SS20 getting an extension to tonight to finish his room. (this is stupid, but I digress)
SS20 came back Friday and vacuumed. Didn't dust.
DH put a dust cloth in his room and when he got home last night told SS20 he has to we get home tonight to dust his room. (Again stupid move on DH's part but I'm trying to stay out of it.)
I will say that SS20 was actually polite to us last night. Better than he's been in months.
~BettyRay
- BettyRay's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Seems about 10 years late
Don't you wish your DH would have done this type of parenting when the kid was 10? Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult at 20. :/
Yes, Yes, Yes!
DH never backed me up when it came to chores for the SSons. I have and still feel that in order to raise productive humans they need chores in order to understand their contributions matter and that they are part of a community.
~BettyRay
Exactly.
This is what DH is going through now with SD14.
No chores, no responsibility and he's at a loss why she doesn't care about anything to do with our house nor feel any connection to it.
That is such a good point.
That is such a good point. Same with my SO, who asks nothing of SD17, so her room is a mess of course. SO says SD is too busy wtith school, her part-time job and activities... yeah and he thinks that make him the better parent.
Then SO wonders why SD17 never invites any friends at his place, only at BM's place... because that place looks better, hello?! BM makes her clean up her room and do chores.
You could always pull the:
You could always pull the: "Sure we'll clean your room!" Then throw EVERYTHING in trash bags and take a trip to the dump...
I have told DH this very thing.
I have actually had daydreams about throw all of SS20's shit in a trash bags and driving it to the dump.
I have those dreams abotu SD9
I have those dreams abotu SD9 and SD5's stuff some days... Everytime they leave things on the floor for me to trip on I consider tossing it. I say it's your house though, He doesn't want to keep his room clean and there are only a few choices... 1) he moves out 2) he learns to keep his room clean, 3) he gets the option of letting you clean which means he may not have more than a bed and a toothbrush after.
How does one clean a room
How does one clean a room without dusting and vacuuming? There is a difference between "picking up" and "cleaning". All he did was pick up some stuff and not even ALL the stuff.
EXACTLY!
My gut response is that SS20 has no idea what the difference is. He is a slob. DH just doesn't get it. I keep telling DH, SS20 doesn't know how to clean because he and BM always did it for him. In addition, BM isn't the best housekeeper, I'm not judging, I've been in her house a few times and it's an observation. So no one has modeled the behavior but me, and I'm just the Smom, so I know nothing.
I get it...
And I'm afraid this would be our situation with SD14, but I'm not ever allowing her in our house after age 18. Done with that.
I HAVE also done the trash bag thing with her room and she just doesn't care. DH didn't like it the first time it happened and allowed her to put stuff back, but I've since told him I'm done with his walking around the issue and from now on I'm in charge of MY house. So I did a partial trash bag/donation clean up the other weekend. Didn't hear a word from either DH or SD14 about it.
SD12 is now slipping a bit but I have a better relationship with her and I told DH I'm done with him walking around HER as well. I found rotting things in her closet two weeks ago. So when she left yesterday I checked again. I found food encrusted dishes under her bed and in her closet. I found a large trash bag of trash, again in her closet. I put it all on her bed, with a note that says "It is not acceptable to have trash and dirty dishes in your closet. Bring them to the kitchen and put the trash/recycle outside in the bins." We'll see what happens.
Flip the script
I'm over the trash bag thing - here's why - I have given them enough of my time and and energy. I don't have it in me anymore. Now I tell DH to deal with it. When I used to take the time to do things for the Skids it just made DH's life easier and I was miserable because I'd try talking about it to DH and he couldn't understand why I was upset. Now he's starting to get it because I'm not acting as a buffer.
~BettyRay
Oh, I get it. I've not done
Oh, I get it. I've not done the trash bag for about 1.5 years. But now, after smelling SD14s room and seeing what's in it and having SD12 starting some similar habits, I'm not allowing that to happen in rooms I own and that I will end up having to deal with. Not DH, Me. I know it. So after I bagged up I told DH in no uncertain terms that I was done capitulating and waiting on others to do things. That I no longer gave two sh!ts about their rooms or their things or his lack of involvement. I was going to take care of it how I see fit because I'm the only one doing it. He gets out, "I am sorry you have to do this..." and was about to go on but I interrupted and said, "Again, I don't give a sh!t about it. I don't care what you say because I've heard it before and I'm just done caring."
Yesterday, I went through their rooms again. SD14s stuff is all over the floor again (I piled most of what I didn't throw away onto her bed) with a few things actually folded ! in her closet, but mostly all over the floor. She likely went through her dirty laundry basket to find underwear to wear *shok* And I didn't say a word, nor will I.