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Stepson is forced into "loving" new boyfriend

beachstepmom's picture

SS7 is here visiting us for the summer and BioMom has been freaking out because he begs her on the phone to stay here and live with us. She forces him to talk to her new boyfriend on the telephone and promises him that she will take him "somewhere fun" when he comes home at the end of the month. Just last night she says to him, "Jason (new BF) will play GI Joes with you when you come home". This being said after he tells her that he does not want to wait until he is 12 to live with us. She then asks him "Do you wanna talk to Jason?" SS7 says no politely and she puts him on the phone anyway. New BF begins to tell him they can play war and GI Joes when he comes home. SS7 gets off the phone and says to his Dad, "Mommy says I have to go home because Jason will miss me if I don't." Dad tells him that he has to go home anyway and he begins crying and begging again to stay and live with us.

We have no plans of keeping SS7 and even purchase every airplane ticket for him to come visit us during Spring Break, Summer, and Christmas and then fly home. SS7 says he would rather live with us because we are nicer to him.

Please let me know if I am just reading too much into this. More about our situation can be read in my previous posts for those who care to help out and offer a word of advice.

Thanks in advance!

Comments

stepkate's picture

Hmmm, what exactly are you reading into this? Do you think SS is being mistreated in some way, or do you just think BM and BF should lay off the lovefest?

violetforest's picture

I ran into this with my ss's who would go visit with their mother. At the time both lived with us full time and had court ordered visits with her every other weekend and during the summer (which she didnt often take). Our life was the day in and day out routine, kids had chores and during school homework which bm never helped with.

BM also lives in a large city compaired to our very small town. Things are exciting and new each time they go there. Your ss is only 7 but things in this area will get tougher I hate to tell you this but they will. Look at the situation. bm has him fulltime and it sounds like she is attempting to help ss and her boyfriend bond. Her statement to ss that she will really miss his is true, they will miss him if he doesnt go home and there is nothing worse than being a mother to a child and having to hear that your child would rather be with another "mother" than with you.

(this is why when people talk about how God could be a woman I disagree, there is not one woman that I know who is a mother that would ever allow this much hurt in the world - mother's can't help but step in when their children are hurting, more often then not men are able to step back and say well they will learn)

BM will be mean because she will not be able to overlook the behaviors or rebellion that ss has on a daily basis, she will have him do chores and she will force him as he gets older to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

I know that my tolerance of the kids behaviors are increased when I know that they are only going to be here for a while.

beachstepmom's picture

Well, my SS7 has been sexually abused by another child while in their care. He also asks us if we would still love him if he liked other boys. He tells us that his mother has him pee into a cup for her. He says that Mommy gives him benadryl at night so she can spend "quiet time" with BF. I could go on and on really but I have posted all of this stuff in previous blogs.

I just don't think SS7 should be forced into "loving" this man that he barely knows in hopes that it will make him want to live with Mommy.

stepmom-at20's picture

It is not normal for a child to not want to go to there mother so when he says he doesn't want to go there is something very wrong, I know my ss is going through this he is now staying with us until we go to court.

Jsmom's picture

I agree that the BM should stop pushing the Boyfriend. Your DH should tell her that. But, of course your house looks like more fun, you never have the day to day stuff. The punishments, the homework, the chores. You are the disney house, how can any mom compete with that. Same situation here reversed. BM is the fun mom and now she has SD14. We couldn't compete so we gave up fighting. Don't encourage this. Let it happen naturally. She will be angry if you don't back her up and the fighting can get worse.

beachstepmom's picture

Oh we don't fight with her at all! For the past 5 years we have literally let her call all the shots just so SS7 doesn't have to be put in the middle and made to choose between one parent or the other. We encourage him to talk to his mom about how he feels and we actually force him to talk to her on the phone when she calls.

I do understand that we are the "fun house" but we also make him do chores and have a bed time and things like that which he isn't made to do at his mom's house. We make him eat healthy foods/regular meals and do not feed him McDonalds chicken nuggets every evening for dinner which is what he is used to with his mom. We also make him take a shower/bath daily which he has informed us he does not have to do at home. He says that he only has to take a bath on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday when he is at Mommy's. We make him brush his teeth in the morning and before bedtime, which he has also informed us that he doesn't do at home. When he gets caught lying or hitting another child his Father spanks him and punishes him in our house.

His reasons for not wanting to go back is because "nobody spends time with him" and "he has no friends there". I have a 9 year old daughter and we think he loves the idea of having a big sister.

The sexual abuse thing seems to haunt him, yet his Mom does not think he needs counseling because she claims that "he will just forget about it eventually". I am sorry but something like oral sex at the age of 7 years old will not just be forgotten. We encourage him to talk to us about the way he feels and the things he thinks about. She takes the approach of just not talking about and ignoring his thoughts.