You are here

SD almost 8 really upping her attitude

River2019's picture

My SD has never been MUCH of a problem, but I see issues budding as she grows older and kinda brattier. My struggles with her have been mostly because there were some mini wife tendencies over the years have have been toned down year by year as my DH has understood more, we have more kids, our life has grown and developed together naturally. 
My DH and I now have 2 children together and he has been working much more while I'm at home. In one of my last blogs I asked for advice, and ended up stepping up and taking over some care for her. Now school is up and running again so I'm off the hook for day care, now it's just pick ups and drop offs sometimes. All good. 
My DH is a good dad, he addresses family issues, we have a designated day to speak to HCBM and that's it, overall we are a good team, but SD is struggling with her role as a sibling in the family we have. She misses being an only child, still, and is always asking for individual attention, ignoring or annoying her 3 year old sister and me, occasionally being sweet to the baby boy. She wants to go out to eat, "somewhere new", "somewhere special", mopes if it's not special enough, mopes about going to a park, basically mopes around me and is only kind to her siblings when my husband is around, otherwise she just ignores them completely. 
I don't really mind her having some space, if she needs some adjusting, but I feel bad for my little girl who loves her sister (she is not a perfect little child, and will fight with SD too, but  I am fair in disciplining them).

But yeah, I wonder if SD will eventually adjust? Literally almost every word since she got here is complaining about her siblings, something not being good enough, or missing her mommy. Unless speaking to my husband, who as I mentioned, she puts on a more brave face for and tries to act nice to everyone around him. 
part of me doesn't care if she wants to spend her life at our house in her room or in the basement, but I also don't want to have a child that is 100% rude all the time in my life, but it feels like that's what this is turning into. 

 

 

 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

It's ok for the 8 yo to not always want to play with a 3 yo but it's not ok if the 8 yo is rude or unkind to her sibling about it.

So.. when the 3 yo is "annoying" her older sister who doesn't feel like playing.. you don't pressure her to play with her sister because "oh.. she is only 3 and wants to play"  You redirect your 3 yo and let the 8 yo go to her room to play alone.

Similarly if the 8 yo is being overly rude, bossy or rough with the 8 yo.. she can have her own time out.. and be reminded of her manners.

As for her demanding restaurants etc.. her dad needs to manage these expectations.

It is also important that she have some one on one time with her father.. because the other two kids have him full time.. so she should be getting a bit of extra when she is there to compensate a little.. but it should not be all consuming.

Survivingstephell's picture

It's up to DH to encourage sibling love and respect.  It's up to you to keep them from killing each other.  Lol.  Rights of passage are a good tool for older siblings and let's that difference in age play out naturally and not cause problems.  I used them with my 3 older BDs.  They were 3 years apart from each other and certain things happened at a certain age.  Things that older kids do aren't necessarily appropriate for younger kids.  You don't want to hold back the older one and rush the younger one.   It also could help to put SD into a "mentor " type big sister role if approached right.  However you decide to handle the age difference, SD should not be allowed to become a dictator child in the house.  That role is reserved for the adults in the home.  

River2019's picture

I'm ok with her not wanting to play with her 3 year old half sister sometimes. Totally. I'm not ok with her  being picked up from school and literally not speaking to us. She can say "I need space" and I am happy to give her some. Like I said, the little 3 year old obviously gets bummed when her big sister is Just flat out not speaking to her and she doesn't understand why. We had a talk and explained this yesterday to her. Me and her dad. 

ESMOD's picture

You know.. I kind of disagree about her having to speak to people when she gets picked up.  I think she should have a general requirement to respond to a greeting.. but if she doesn't feel like chit chatting.. she should not have to participate...maybe she has introvert tendencies and needs time to recharge after a full day of peopling at school.. maybe she had a difficult day.. etc..

So.. if she piles into the car.. and you say "hello SD".. and she just says a curt "hi".. and nothign more.. I would leave her be.. just let her sit in silence if that is what she needs to do.

River2019's picture

Interesting. I said I would give her space. I wasn't pelting her with questions. Also, it's fine for her to treat me this way (or anyone else) but I know she would never do this to her dad? She never is quiet, "introverted" with him. We need to teach her language to at least speak out that she needs some space if she is struggling.  

ESMOD's picture

That's true.. she needs to be able to politely indicate she doesn't want to interract.. but she is 8... it's a learning process.. so maybe  you could approach it like her giving you the silent treatment and you could say something like.

SD.. it sounds like you aren't up for talking right now.. and that's fine.. but remember, we expect you to be polite and let us know when you aren't in the mood ok?"

Branched Black Sheep's picture

Sounds like she is just wanting attention. Her stating that she wants to be left alone or not responding when being spoken too is an attention seeking tactic. May be time to have her help you cook dinner and even though you do 90% of the work she can tell her father look what I made everybody for dinner. I'm starting to do the task oriented stuff with my SS because his attitude changes so much when he has a responsibility. 

Rags's picture

Rude can never happen. Period. She needs abject misery for that crap.  As for wanting to be the only. Tough shit. SHe will never be an only again in her father's family.  If BM has not spawned again, then she  can do the only thing at mommy's house.

I am 6 and 8 yeras the elder of my parents three boys.  This shit would have been decidedly unpleasant had I tried it.

Put an end to tolerance for her "Spe-cial" bullshit. She isn;t special because she does not earn special with special behavior.

IMHO this should be dealt with in your blended family just like it would be if it happened in an intact initial family as new babies join the mix.  She is told how to behave and she has no choice but to behave as she is told.

If she cannot be polite and pleasant she can sit her ass in a corner with her nose holding the intersecting walls together until you get tired and she can do that over and over and over again until she pulls her head out of her rude kid butt.  And she does not even get to ask for a special restaurant or anything else until her behavior earns it.  She cannot be tolerated to be rude or cause hurt to anyone else in the family.

ZERO TOLERANCE!

NOW!

Good luck.