AITA? Bedroom
DH is now going mad over how I've handled this because BM has kicked off... despite agreeing with me over bedroom decorating.
SD8 is with us EOWE and has always had her own room in our 2br house. Before this she was co sleeping with dad and the second bedroom was his office with a pullout bed.
When I moved in 3 yrs ago I decorated her own bedroom, typical girly room, double bed for if she has a friend over/if we have guests stay, little to no input from DH. Our BS is now a toddler and his cot was in our room until 15 months. Last month it became ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that he needs to move into his own room. When I tell you nobody was sleeping... I mean nobody. Never.
I asked DH to have a chat with SD8 about swapping her bed for a single floor bed, still age appropriate but that the toddler could get in and out of safely. She was perfectly happy with this. So now the sleeping arrangement would be that BS sleeps in that bedroom except when SD was here EOWE and then she would have FULL privacy in that room and it would be her room when she's here. BS would sleep in mine and DHs room, not ideal but needs must.
Here's the problem. DH Disney dad didn't actually tell SD8 that we'd be moving toddlers stuff into "her room" and is still framing it as "your brother will sleep in YOUR room when you're not here".
I spent loads of time redecorating (under the impression that FH had told SD what we're doing) so the room is now a neutral blue/beige theme instead of pink. Not overly boyish at all. I made a point of it not being covered with dinosaurs etc. SDs mom has now gone absolutely mental about us (me) taking away her kids room and how she feels like she's been replaced. DH has done a U turn and said it was meant to be decorated for both kids.
HELP - AITA??
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Sounds like one of those life
Sounds like one of those life lessons I regularly get: Woops. Don't assume anything. Should have spelled this out VERY clearly before taking any action so that there could be no misunderstanding. Sorry!
My DH was not only a Disney Dad; he is a full-blown Disney Person, so we've had visitors (his family, including the skids, although skids are no longer allowed here) show up at all hours, some with dogs we were not expecting. A common one is a relative of his needing picked up at the airport (one hour away) at 6:00 am. (go ahead, DH, I'm sleeping). I have before insisted that SS change a middle-of-the-night flight or rent a car at the airport (what the hell!?), and DH felt so bad about it he paid the fee. One family member came with a friend we didn't know was coming WITH her dog. It's all because my DH won't communicate with people ahead of time, doesn't want to hurt their feelings (???), isn't comfortable with boundaries. Now, I pretty much give him a verbal list to ASK of people before he makes arrangements. I have said, "And tell her not to bring her dog again. She doesn't bathe it; it stinks, and the house reeks after she's gone." It annoys him, but I keep on it because I've grown tired of being put out because he's scared to ask questions or tell people we NEED to know specifics and we need some consideration when we open our house to guests.
It sounds like you've been super considerate, but you need to corral and train your DH. Join the club. No, you are not the A.
I think that he is so afraid
I think that he is so afraid of hurting his daughter that is he also overlooking his sons needs. He needs to realize that you all should be working as a team to come up with solutions. It kind of triggers me that he calls the room his daughters room when your bio son needs a room too... But he has no place either? Honestly that sucks for him too. I would be very clear with your husband in the future. You have to be if you want the kids to have equal treatment for them. They both deserve to be treated fairly.
YANTA!
Your baby daddy needs to grow some balls and put his failed family former breeding partner in her place. BM can STFU. She gets no say in anything about your home and family. She has no place in your marriage, home, or in how your SD is parented in your home. Her place is in the past and to provide care and feeding for SD all but the EOWE that SD is in your home. As the CP, BM is paid for that. She does not pay your SO or you. Your household income pays her. Get your money's worth.
Resident kids get priority of space over visiting kids. Any kid that has a visitation schedule for their time in your home/family is a visitor. Yes, your home is also the visiting kid's home when the visiting kid is visiting. But, your home is the full time home of your resident child(ren). The visiting kid is accomodated as comfortably as possible in a manner that has the least impact on the family dynamic and the home.
When we had a 2br place, the kid's room was also the guest room and the kid moved to our huge walk in closet in the MBR when we had overnight guests. An Aerobed in the closet worked great to accomodate guests and our kid. Our kid was originally my SKid. My bride had full physical and legal custody so we were not the visiting household. We had a great time when the Skid was in our closet. The three of us would talk, banter, and laugh for hours. He would give us crap about having to sleep in the closet, we would give him crap back. decades after we still laugh about it.
Not likely a popular perspective and many disagree but that is a reality that has to be lived in blended family sitautions where there is limited space, a visiting SKid, and full time resident kids.
The 2nd bedroom in your home was the guest room. Label it what you wish. You made it a comfortable place for your SD. Things have changed. Now, it is your toddler's room and SD will be accomodated as comfortably as possible without disrupting the routine of your home and family.
No guilt.
Tolerate no drama.
BM, can F-off.
Take care of you.
I agree bio mom gets
I agree bio mom gets absolutely NO say in the living arrangements at your house. Resident kids should get more priority when it comes to the rooms.