AITA?
Am I the asshole?
So dealing with 5yr old twin steps. One SD one SS both 5yrs old. They're going into K5 soon. Mom is absolutely horrific - junkie, manipulative, lying about everything and teaching the steps that lying and actually teaching them that manipulating is the way to go, mom ODed December 2021 so she's now permanently disabled can't walk and living with her mom. The twins are awful sadly and have only gotten worse with age. I've been watching this shitshow since July 2019 and just making mental notes growing more and more worried. They have picked up the manipulation and lying tactics from mom with gusto and love every minute. I know the misbehaviour is from lack of parenting but it doesn't change the facts. It's dangerous.
The lying they do is awful. I told DH he has until August 15th to get cameras for the home or I won't watch the twins alone unless there's 2 witnesses present. I have given this notice to him via email and text so there's NO WAY he can say he didn't get it. I told him a YEAR ago that I foresaw their lying to be a huge problem once they go into school. They will realize they can lie for attention to elicit CPS visits to our home and I want my ass to be covered.
Well it's happened and SD5 finally did what I've been dreading. She lied to her mom about something I did and sat back and watched the resulting show with a grin. So I again told DH I will not be watching them alone anymore without cameras and I forsee CPS being involved within 2 months of school starting bc of the repulsive care they get from mom or the lies being told to get a reaction and I will be covering MY ASS regardless of what he does to prove that IDK what goes on at MOMS house but HERE there's proper care being given and the little shits are LIARS. I'M SO UNHAPPY AND UNSAFE IN MY OWN HOME.
I just want thoughts opinions questions rebuttals? I'm in hell. Don't get married it only gets worse.
Nope, not the a**hole.
Nope, not the a**hole.
I would have told him, as soon as this happened, that this is immediate and not have even given him until Aug 15th.
I hope you do not have kids yourself or need a clean record for your career. Not worth the risk, in my opinion if you do.
Exactly What DPW Said
If you have kids, CPS can pull your kids out of your home, also. Will cost you thousands of dollars in legal fee and probably years to get your kids back. Heck, you could even be charged until the false allegations can be proven. Again, money for attorneys.
False allegations can cost you your career. DHs youngest decided to accuse me of mental/emotional abuse via an email (I have a copy). I was livid. I have worked in our school system (clearance needed), along with volunteering at our local rape crisis center where we dealt with victims of rape and sexual abuse. Other areas of my life - volunteer and work - could have been ruined. Again, major clearances that a false allegation could cause me to loose.
Tread carefully. I told DH to tell his wicked adult daughter that if she slandered me again, I'd see her in court. He must have told her or her mini wife sister because last I heard, she told DH , tell CajunMom I love and respect her. Girl...go away.
wait - what about SD8?
What about the other stuff?
SD 8 is now 9 lol and she is
SD 8 is now 9 lol and she is from another mom and we get along and she is a good person actually. I had my tiffs with her gma but she is a good child and she is starting to see gmas insanity sadly and we have a good relationship now after much work.
The twins? I have never met children like these after being a live in nanny and babysitter my entire life. I used to wonder how ppl said they were scared of children and now I know. The boy has a chance. He isn't all bad he follows the girl but the girl? She is a straight up sociopath and she's chilled my blood with the SHIT she says on more then 1 occasion. Shit like I'd kill you if I could, I like to tell you I love you and in my head I'm thinking ur stupid bc I actually hate you and not makes me happy to lie and have u believe me, I lie bc I love it and it makes me happy, lying is how you get what you want in life... smh.
I actually started keeping notes of shit they'd say bc I needed my husband to SEE it. He knows. HE KNOWS. She scares me. There's other signs of sociopathy too that are too foul to post here. SHES ONLY 5 WTF
nope
like the movie.
Can you live without this man?
Nope
Not an asshole. You need to make one change if you continue to "watch" these SKs. Cameras and DH better get busy installing or hiring someone to instal and way before August 15th. I would NOT watch those kids one more time without those cameras fully installed and in every room those kids could possibly be in with you. No camera? Sorry, I don't go in there.
Personally, when it comes to stuff like CPS issues, with what's going on, I would NOT watch those kids even with camera. They have two parents. Let them deal with their kids. Good luck
This is what I've been saying
This is what I've been saying. I cannot care more then mom and dad sadly and anyone who expects me to is delusional HOW DARE THEY ask that of ME and not them?! Im telling you being a stepmom will really make you rabidly stand up for yourself. I want to rest and be loved and it just isn't meant to be.
What is your overall
What is your overall situation? Do you have a job, or is watching your DH's kids your job? Is your DH worth the trouble his kids cause? I wouldn't want to be alone with these kids even with cameras. Can you make that happen?
my thoughts are that in this
my thoughts are that in this situation.. OP, you have likely a minimum of 15 years or so of dealing with the kids of a junkie.. who was likely using when she had them.. which means they probably have issues.. just from that. You are basically volunteering to have a junkie in your life... because of the association to your SO. And.. with a junkie? well.. what happens when she OD's and you have them full time? (or maybe is this happening now?)
Yikes... is this lemon really worth the squeeze?
Sure.. you might be able to work with your DH and help provide a stable home for these girls.. and they could improve with therapy and hard work.. but do you really want to do all that? it's near impossible to disengage from kids that young.. who are in your home for so much of the time.. and for so many years.
This may be a case of "love is not enough".. this guy comes with ultra mega baggage.
She already ODed December and
She already ODed December and can no longer walk! We had them for 6 weeks straight and the behaviour took 4 weeks to slightly improve. The absolute SECOND they heard they were going back they regressed and said we are going back home so we don't have to listen anymore bc mommy and gma let us do what we want. They actually said that. They were 4 how can 4yr olds be so repulsive?! I fear the behaviour is too ingrained it's just getting worse and worse
You are not the A hole
You are not the a-hole. Dh is. Keep the cameras - and maybe don't even tell DH, so he can't deactivate them. They are the only proof that you didn't do whatever these lying skids say you did. Maybe even keep a notebook of every lie, every manipulation from skids. They can really mess up your life, and you don't deserve that.
Can you go to the courts and ask that skids stay at their moms house full time, and DH only has supervised visits, for his protection and yours? My mom worked as a caseworker for CPS, and she said there were quite a few foster kids who had been abused, and so they learned to lie and manipulate and accuse future foster parents of sexual abuse, when in fact it never happened. But meanwhile the foster parent who was innocent would be under scrutiny and guilty by public opinion, regardless of whether they were found innocent of any charges. It was a terrible thing to watch. The foster kids were also sometimes sexually abusing the other kids in the foster home. It was like one bad deed led to another, and the circle of victimization just grew and grew. These kids sound like trouble. Be careful!
This. I'm sick of keeping
This. I'm sick of keeping notebooks detailing every lie, every bruise, every time they are unwashed, every fear I have and the feelings of guilt. I don't want to live this way anymore. I don't want to deal with CPS, court, all this bullshit.
your husband's situation
your husband's situation comes with the BS...you can't separate his kids from him and your relationship.
as unfair as it sounds.. if you choose to stay.. you are choosing to subject yourself to all the bs that comes along with his poor choice of partners in childbearing... his junkie EX.. his permissive exmil. (or is it his mom?)
at 4/5 years old? can kids change.. sure.. but when you have such a messed up start.. and parenting.. from everyone? odds are small.
again..is the juice worth the squeeze?
Because if you say it is.. if you want to stay? you and your DH need to do all that hard work to document things.. to get those kids out of a home environment that is probably fairly dangerous and harmful to them... you will need to deal with court and CPS etc.. THAT is what it will mean to stay with him.
Or.. you can go the other route.. try to nacho out.. to disengage.. and watch as your DH starts to build resentment against you for not helping him.. for not helping his kids.. etc.. that doesn't end well either.
Too bad the OD did not put her out of your misery.
It is most sad for the twins.
She could have freed everyone. Instead, she now sits like Jaba the Hut and creates a set of toxic little minions.
smh
Definitely not the @$$hole
Definitely not the @$$hole
Not the a$$hole.
Not the a$$hole.
This is a scary situation. It seems that these kids have deep-seated psychological issues and daddy is in complete denial. ESMOD's post pretty much sums it up for me too: is it worth it to stay? You're going to have to do some soul-searching and think about this. This kid will likely get worse over time and who knows if either of these kids will launch as adults.
Personally, I would refuse to stay in a relationship/situation where I felt unsafe and was ignored. I would refuse to live in a home with cameras everywhere just to prove that I was being terrorized by these kids. I would refuse to jeopardize my job/career at the expense of someone else's piss-poor parenting.
Protect yourself. Think about your future and what you are willing to put up with.