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Taken from AITA? Just curious re: your thoughts

AgedOut's picture

Because we are mostly just SMs or SMs w/ kiddos too, I'm curious to see your treactions/thoughts. I'll add my own in the comments after others have commented

AITA for ruining my son's sister's first birthday?

My ex's new wife called me three weeks ago and said that she'd just realized her daughter's birthday was on my week. She asked me to please bring my son to the party or drop him off the night before and they'd bring him back the next morning. She was very entitled about it. She presented me with two "options" when I don't have to do either. I said I would think about it and she got huffy and said he has to be at his little sister's party.

I again said I would think about it and she continued to argue, so I hung up. The day before the party I asked my son "do you want to go to (sister's name)'s birthday party?" He said he did so I texted her to tell her we would be there and asked her for the time of the party. She told me it was at noon. So we got there at 12:30 and there were no other cars, which was weird. When we went inside, my ex said he needed to talk to me, and I said that wasn't necessary and asked where the party guests were.

He said he needed to prepare me before I saw his wife. I said "why, is she pregnant or something?" He said she was and I just rolled my eyes. I again asked where the party guests were. He said the party was at 2:00, but they wanted to make sure I had time to put myself together before the party. I told him he needed to quit with the soap opera drama, because I don't have time for it. I took time out of my day to accommodate them, but they blew it. I'm not hanging out with them in an empty house for over an hour, and I'm not wasting gas to leave and come back.

I took my son to the park and we had a nice day, but my ex texted me a bunch about how I was punishing his daughter for the pregnancy. (I don't care that his wife is pregnant.) My only response was a text that said "grow up." My son asked about his sister's birthday, and I said there was a mix-up with the party time (which is true) and they would all celebrate together when he was at his dad's, so he was chill. My mom said I hurt the birthday girl, but she's one. She's not going to notice who is at her party.

My mom told me to be the bigger person, but I feel there is a limit to that. I'm not going to reward lying and trickery in my ex anymore than I would reward it if my six year old did it. Am I the asshole for leaving and not coming back?

ESMOD's picture

I think I would have left the child with his father.. and then just arranged to pick him up after the party would be over.  I don't think it would be necessary at all for the BM to stay at that party.

Yeah.. it was manipulative for them to get her to drop the kid off early.. but in the grand scheme of things.. not a terrible huge amount of time.. 

My vote.. drop kid at party with his father.. not like the kid was unsupervised... and give a pickup time.. 4pm.. or something similar.

SteppedOut's picture

Should have been a drop off thing all along - why was she staying? She could have had them bring the child back if she "didn't want to waste the gas". 

IMHO she was being petty.

AgedOut's picture

I'm team both are TAH. 

Her ex & his wife set her up for needless drama by lying about the time of the party = TATAHs

She should have left the child w/ Dad and picked him up when the party ended = SITAH




I know this is a Step parent site but lying to her to get to corner her is as big of a deal as her not leaving child. This situation came about because they deliberately set her up by lying so yes, they are assholes too. A three way tie.



ESMOD's picture

But the kids paid the price.. not getting to go to the party for her son.. and their daughter didn't have the boy as a guest.

I guess I could see them wanting to have her there a little early.. if she was to find out they were having another child.. a sibling for her son.. but party day was not the optimal time for that really.. a text of information is all they needed to do.

And.. yeah.. BM would not be invited.. kid can be under dad's supervision for a few hours of party time.

Rags's picture

I am team AITA on this one.  The manipulation and lies initiated the situation, AITA rubbed  their noses in  their crap and had a nice day with her son.

Karma. For both sides according to their choices.

CLove's picture

This kind of thing happens AAAAALLLL the time.

As we know, background is super important.

CajunMom's picture

While the new wife was manipulative, apparently some past behaviors put that behavior in action. BM was told the party was at 12 yet shows up at 12:30??

I think it was nice of the new wife to invite her SS to the bio daughter's birthday. Most of what we see in this group is division and purposeful, at that. And the fact her son WANTED to go to the party....jeez. 

Maybe I've been in StepHell too long....coming on 18 years.....but this would NOT have been a hill to die on. I'd have dropped off my son and give the hostess the time I'd be picking him up. Then enjoyed a few hours to do what I wanted.

Russell1981's picture

The first thing wrong with this entire situation is the SM contacting the BM to invite her husbands son. I guess this is what we deal with in this now which is men who aren't really men and can't take care of their responsibilities and instead push it on their SO.

The BD should have called and informed his ex that his wife is pregnant if that was going to be an issue. Surprising her at a birthday party is counter-productive. 

The BM who took off because of pettiness or hurt feelings needs to understand that it's about the child and not about her convenience. You asked your son if he wanted to go and he did. You then take him to a party at his father's and make an abrupt exit because of being blindsided. If it would have been me in that situation then I would have congratulated the ex-spouse on the pregnancy and then set a time to come pick the child up. If you don't care then being nice when they are trying to instigate drama always catches them off guard.

The only person that got shafted in this story is the little boy who thought he was going to a birthday party to eat some cake.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Idk, they all sound sort of trashy and dramatic.

The dad and SM because a) they scheduled this party on BM's day, then lied to her about the time, not just by like 30 min but by over 2 hours. and b) felt the need to set up this ruse so they could tell BM in person, at their house no less, about the pregnancy. If they thought BM was so dramatic that she would need to "put herself together", why would they want all this going on at their house on their child's birthday? They invited drama into their home and they got it.

BM sounds a bit trashy and dramatic, in that a) She gets there late and it sounds like she has had outbursts in the past if they thought she needed to "put herself together." But, b) To all those saying BM is a monster for leaving with the kid - it's a birthday party, not necessary brain surgery. She didn't even have to bring him, and after what they did, i don't blame her for wanting to just go about her normal custody time. For once I'm team BM on this. The 1-year-old won't know the difference and the son got to enjoy a day at the park. He won't be permanently scarred. 

kaybee82's picture

After reading OP's comments she is NTA. 


So the ex cheated on her and impregnated his mistress (current wifetress). He told her that he had gotten another woman pregnant and she, of course, was very upset.  Then the ex and wifetress go on to create lots of drama in OP's life becaue they're in lurrvvee. After all of this, the ex and wifetress use her reaction from finding out that not only had her husband cheated on her but had impregnated this Other Woman as an excuse to create more drama. OP's lawyer has instructed her not to give them more time so that they can't create more drama by asking for more time because OP doesn't utilize all of her time with the kid.


OP doesn't care about her ex or wifetress outside of dealing with her son. But somehow she is the A**hole? Nah,miss me with that. To me context matters. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Of course there is a backstory!

With these kinds of posts it always seems like if the new stepmom started off as the other woman then she's always a lot more pushy about interacting with BM. I've even known a few people in real life with situations like this and the new woman always has to mark her territory and provoke BM. People can definitely be trashy on both sides for whatever reasons but an insecure other woman has got a lot more to prove.

It just seems to me that any relationships that began long after the bio parents split have less drama and less interaction between the new wife and BM then the ones where there was overlap or cheating.

Rags's picture

We can always ask our successors how our gonads taste.


The X's new mate, and any of their co-spawn do not matter. They should not be allowed to think that they do matter. The X only matters in context to the kid(s) that 'we' share with the X.  Particularly when they act as AITA's X and his new baby mama did in this case.  If they were reasonable and respectful, AITA in all liklihood would have addressed the drop off of her own son for his baby sister's B-day differently.    X's new serial breeder mama was upity. AITA still agreed to bring her son to the party on HER time.  She drove to drop off her son to a 12:00 party..... no party. When she arrived, her X made it clear that AITA had been set up for some toxic crap by he and his snarky new serial breeder buddy.  At that, AITA took her son and left to have a nice day together. According to AITA, she did not snark to her DS about his idiot father and the idiot manipulative breeder buddy.  She told her son that there was a miscommunication regarding the party and he could celebrate with his sister when he returned to his father's home.

As for the X and his follow on serial breeding partner, who cares if they are knocked up.... again?  If I was AITA, I would not give a crap.  In fact, I did not give a crap when my XW did the same thing.  My own XW felt a need to inform me that she had been knocked up with her first and second cheat babies. She was pregnant when she moved out of our marital home. She miscarried that one.  She was pregnant again at the divorce hearing with her second cheat baby.  Her third pregnancy was also with the geriatric Fortune 500 Executive baby/sugar daddy that knocked her up the first two times while she was married to me, though that one was a couple of years after our divorce.  She felt the need to call me about that too.


She had yet anothet cheat baby pregnancy when she was cheating on GrandPa Sugar/Baby daddy. She was pregnant at that divorce hearing as well. Though she did not call me about that pregnancy.  A mutual friend of ours did though.

My thoughts on that have always been... Thank God I did not pollute my gene pool with her.


As for the rest of the story... in most of these situations, we can and will never know what that may be.


Russell1981's picture

I am just amazed at how adults can't suck it up for a couple of hours. I understand being annoyed with the blindside, but why even agree to it and ask your son about it to begin with? Why even walk into the house? If her lawyer advised her to not allow any more time then why would you ever agree to give them more time?

I have dealt with crazy exes and adoptions. If you have a court order that gives specific times then I go by the letter of the law and if they ask about a bday party or any special event I quickly reference the court order and they shut up and either go on without or change the date. 

All three seem to be drama-filled to me. Their past marriage is over, who cares. Stick to the court order and call it a day if that is the case.

Winterglow's picture

I'm afraid I would have told the woman that this was your time with your son and that he wouldn't be attending. 1. Because I would follow the CO to the letter and 2. Nobody tells me what to do with my time.  Two options? How effin' considerate.

The woman was out of line with her demand and seriously overstepped. 

SeeYouNever's picture

The bio dad should have been the one to talk to his ex and figure it out. But it seems like all the adults are quite immature and like the drama so they don't really care about doing the right thing They just want to win.

Rags's picture

She considered the request, accomodated, found that her X and his breeding partner were lying and manipulating, so she rubbed their noses in their manipulative stench.

AITA, was accomodating, direct, and applied natural consequences in real time for their lies and manipulations.

The party was not at 12:00. It was at 14:00. The entitled in the blended family opposition cannot be tolerated in their manipulations or their toxicity. 

AITA was direct and truthful with her own son.  

A1yo has no clue of who is and who is not at their party.  If they do, their memory of that will not last beyond tearing apart the B-day cake.  The 1yo was not punished in the least IMHO.

As for AITA's own mother, AITA is fortunate to have had quality in the other side of her gene pool to overcome her idiot mother's opinion on 'punishing the B-day girl'.