Did anyone else see this AITA reddit where the SD lied on the wife
and now the wife won't contibute to the SD's college fund anymore. I must say the commenters are like seasoned expert steptalkers. I was very impressed and pleased that everyone pretty much had the wife's back. It was refreshing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/11g4tns/my_daughter_lied_on... Here's the post below
My 17 year old daughter lied on my wife.
I 36m made the mistake of marrying the woman I got pregnant at 19yo. We divorced when my daughter(Kay) was 6 months old. This relationship with my daughter and ex wife has always been strained. I take most of the blame because I was a 19yo shithead just winging it through with life with no purpose or sense of direction. To my ex's credit she quickly got herself together and got an education while handling most of the parenting. I know I fucked up in my daughters younger years and that's nobody's fault but mine. Apparently nothing I do or say now will make up for it. Now she's 17, she's a beautiful, smart, witty, well mannered young woman and its 95% because of my ex's parenting. I love to brag about my daughter but I would never take credit for how she turned out as our relationship is incredibly strained.
My ex is essentially forcing my daughter to spend every other weekend with me, my wife 30f, and her little sister 3f. My wife and I don't mind at all, my wife was so happy with this arrangement that she got her parents to take our 3yo on Saturday's so my oldest daughter doesn't feel like her whole weekend is lost to a toddler. She stays with us Thursday -Sunday. This particular weekend her parents went to a wedding so toddler stayed home. My 16yo was visibly upset by this so my wife took toddler out for the day to keep the peace. That wasn't good enough for oldest because my wife would usually take Kay out for brunch and since toddler was out with my wife Kay and I went to lunch where she complained the entire time about how her whole weekend is ruined and she wanted to go home.
My response was that life is inconvenient sometimes. Later that night Kays vindictive side comes out and she told my ex they my wife hit her. My ex showed up to my house and called the cops and was screaming on my lawn that she was going to press charges and assault my wife. The cops showed up everyone is confused and crying. My daughter is begging to go home. The thing is, toddler wasn't feeling well so my wife slept in toddler room since about 7:30. Baby monitor proves it. She didn't even leave to use the bathroom. We show the cops this after my ex leaves with Kay. I apologize and the cop who was super understanding said that he would spook Kay and my ex a little for wasting time . I don't know what he said to them but Kay called back and was apologizing and wanted to speak to my wife to apologize but my wife was not having any of it , won't speak to Kay I don't blame her. Ex is calling my wife immature for not speaking to a teenager whose trying to apologize.
My wife has emotionally closed herself to Kay. She also stopped contributing to Kays college fund. This hurt Kay the most as my wife makes pretty good money. Her chances of attending her dream school were much better with 3 parents saving for it instead of 2. This incident was 2 months ago and Kay's attitude towards my wife has gone from fuck off to love bombing. My wife just doesn't want to be involved at all anymore and is offering to have Kay visit weekends again but her and toddler will stay at her parents until Kay leaves. My ex is blaming my wife for not forgiving kay for lying. My family is divided saying Kay made a stupid teenager mistake and shouldn't be punished losing out on education. I wont make my wife interact with my daughter. But I'm also not going to contribute double to her college fund which is what my ex is demanding. My wife, my ex and I were contributing equal parts and my ex's new husband contributed nothing. I feel like my wife is being treated unfairly. But siding with my wife is making my relationship with my daughter worse. This got much longer then I expected. I really need some object insight here because I have no clue how to fix or manage this.
Guys ..this blew up way more then I expected. I can't possibly respond to every comment so I'll address some the repeated stuff. I am fully supportive of my removing herself. I wouldn't dream of forcing her to be around someone who accused her of abuse.
She is volunteering to spend weekends at her parents. I'm not asking her to leave our home.
Kay and toddler have a great relationship. They enjoy each other. My wife's parents take toddler on Saturday as a favor to us but they were more then willing to do this they love spending time with her.
For those saying I'm not involved enough in making sure my daughter facing consequences, she does not live with me. If I try to get involved with how her mother is disciplining her at home I will promptly be told to go f myself.
I'm currently trying to have an adult conversation with my ex about how serious this could have gotten and that I won't let this be swept under that rug. Every time I bring it up I'm blocked for 3 days. I haven't given up tho.
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Comments
THIS WAS my favorite response. This writer would be excellent
here on this site with us.
"Wife's in the right here. She has a duty to protect herself and her daughter, and your elder daughter put them in a lot of danger that I'm not sure you fully understand.
The justice system is a dangerous, brutal and imprecise instrument. There's a version of this where your wife couldn't positively prove that she was in a room with her daughter, and was arrested and subject to Child Services and Police investigations, possibly harming her access to her own child or even facing jail time or a criminal and child abuse record.
There are few parents on earth that will not be terrified at that prospect, to say nothing of enraged.
This is not something that can be fixed with an "I'm sorry". Your wife is rightfully angry at and scared of your daughter, who showed she was willing to call armed men to your home to carry your wife away, lock her up, and potentially take away her child.
Your ex-wife doesn't sound like she's mentally equipped to understand this. Your daughter definitely is not mentally equipped to understand this. If they were, they wouldn't be pushing for this maximum reconciliation and bygones be bygones approach.
But you? You'd better get mentally equipped to understand this really friggin fast or you'll find yourself with two ex-wives.
I'm sure you're a great dude, but given the choice between you and the safety and peace of mind of her relationship with her three year old, you only get one guess as to who wins if those things come into conflict.
Let me be clear. You cannot have the roll of "neutral mediator" in this fight, because you cannot be neutral. There may be a reconciliation in the future. You won't be the one to facilitate or push for it.
You need to reassure your wife that her and your young child's safety is your first concern, and that you'll have her back. Then you need to follow through.
This doesn't mean you need to abandon your daughter. You do need to explain to your daughter that, for the foreseeable future, she's burned that bridge with your wife. Period. You love her. You'll help her. You won't let her threaten the rest of your family. You can see her out in the world on your own, if that's something she wants. Picnics with the very finest homemade sandwiches and movies at a theatre are always an option.
And you should try to be part of your daughter's life. How she responds to this will tell you how much she genuinely wants that.
Maybe she can come over once or twice a month but, my brother, you better sit down with your wife and make sure she understands that she has a no-strings, no-resentment veto over that idea. She has a right to feel safe in her own home.
And for flying f***'s sake, tell your ex-wife that if she wants a stepparent to contribute to the college fund, she's got one at home. Be very explicit about it, and make sure your wife knows how explicit you've been. That's the easiest win for you in this mess."
I am impressed with the
I am impressed with the answers too!
I love the "Kay F'ed around and found out, didn't she?" LMAO
I have to agree, the answers
I have to agree, the answers/replies impressed me.
Wife is definitely in the
Wife is definitely in the right, but wife was also in the wrong from Day 1. Why the hell was SM contributing to SD's college fund especially if SD has a strained relationship and why the hell was she sending her toddler away every other weekend overnight to make SD happy? Hell NO! Talk about overcompensating and spoiling a brat to try to keep her in their lives. This kid has two parents and those parents can fund her college - SM should have never gotten involved in that regardless of how much money she makes. Also, I would never send my child away to make skid more comfortable. IMO, Dad should be seeing SD outside the house, not SM and DD leaving, even if they offer.
I am proud of the SM for standing her ground and setting her boundaries. Dad still seems to be wishy washy on what he wants to do.
SM set herself up
Yes, I agree, SM set herself up for failure by contributing to fund. ANd overcompensating by leaving.
The entitlement is super strong in BM as well as SD.
Toxic Troll actually told Husband "why doesnt Clove stay with her parents during childs visitation?" during one of our "episodes" where SD23almost24 was being horrible to me, and making untruthful accusations.
Husband said "no this is Cloves HOME, shes not going anywhere".
Our BM did the same thing.
Our BM did the same thing. She thought that if I wasn't around for visitation, it would allow BM and DH to "get back to a place of successful co-parenting." Nope. One, it's my home too, and two, they were never going to successfully coparent again because BM's idea of successful co-parenting was abusing DH into submission and controlling his entire life. I taught him boundaries and self respect, which is why BM hates me.
When my husbands eldest daughter after 5.5yrs cutting
Off all contact and disappearing with younger sd decided to reinitiate contact, eldest sd had the audacity to tell my husband if he wanted to see them he could in biomums home that affair stepdaddy bought. Yup biomum and stepdad were having an affair whilst married to their previous spouses and it was biomums subtle rub it into my husband that he now can only see sd in their home
my husband when explaining to me was not ok with that and i could tell. Don't forget, biomum and stepdad went to a witch dr to engage in black magic spiritual healing, biomums family engage in this stuff to harm people, biomum in divorce had her police dad and brother threaten to shoot and stab my husband to death if he didn't give more settlement money
all this was biomums way to control a situation she knew she had no control or power of. So i told hubby, he doesn't need to go to biomums home and infact it was disrespectful of her and sd to make that demand of my husband and mention only he and ss(ss they abandoned over a decade ago and disowned) when hubby had a wife and 2 toddlers at home.
hubby continually pushed for an outside meet at a cafe/restaurant. Eventually sd said ok as long as i went. Bio mum had brainwashed sd that daddy goes to witch drs despite being a compulsive liar. They couldn't however claim i engage in witch drs and black magic as its simply the most ridiculous claim for either of them to make.
i came along to support my husband but eventually got fedup of the clear sidelining of us. I made it clear that we were family and i would not allow sd's to separate us. It took a while but eventually hubby said, if you want to be petty etc, do it elsewhere but i refuse to on weekends split my family apart because skids especially sd's refused to comply snd be respectful and inclusive
Yup, sm from day 1 should have told
Entitled sd if I'm contributing to your college fund,
1: your half sister will remain here in our home and will not be shoved elsewhere at somebody elses home to accomodate your diva tantrums
2: i will not adjust my weekend to suit your divaesque needs so you feel more special than you really are
3: don't like the rules then get a job and save up for your college fund or have stepdaddy contribute (even though its not stepdad's responsibility)
The definition of spoiled is
The definition of spoiled is ruined. The more BS you cater to, the more BS you get. Bio or step kid.
SM should get a refund for
SM should get a refund for college contributions thus far.
Ah, Reddit.
I'm not allowed to post comments in the AITA sub anymore. Reddit speaks a different, more "safe space kissy-wissy" language, and I forgot to switch from ST's "tell it like it is" ways once too often. I've also got my knuckles rapped for using the term "skid" in the Stepparents sub. Apparently it's a bad word over there. *sigh*
Did anyone point out that BM also owes the OP and his wife an apology? If she hadn't pulled the big red handle and had behaved with some decorum instead, her manipulative little princess wouldn't have been cut off from the SM's VERY GENEROUS & STRICTLY VOLUNTARY financial contributions. I'm glad SM has changed course; her money can be put to far better use elsewhere.
Yeah biomum doesn’t believe she is accountable one
Bit. She has an alterior motive
Sad thing is that this is
Sad thing is that this is exactly why we have cameras in all the common rooms and my DD's room. SS is not allowed in our room and I don't go in his. A few years ago he threatened to tell him mom I hit him ( I did not). I backed way off after that. He lost all my respect.
The thing with this is he isn
The thing with this is he isn't asking AITA, he's actually asking if his wife is the AH. He's been very passive through the whole thing aside from telling his daughter tough cookies once or twice. He's written it as though the whole conflict is actually between his wife and his daughter and ex. That almost sounds like he's just a spectator.
Classic divorced dad. He does own the fact that he is at least partially to blame the poor relationship with his daughter. But you can Tell that he still wants to make excuses for his perfect beautiful amazing witty daughter, at the expense of his new wife.
What happens on Reddit is not important. Going forward his family is probably going to remain divided over this issue and it's never going to be the same. I guarantee you that his wife is going to be blamed for it not his daughter.
This guy has two kids and
This guy has two kids and seems to only recognize one of them. He had no problem with his three year old being sent out of the house once a week as long as oldest daughter was happy. He's only upset now because wife isn't there to entertain his oldest. And I can't imagine the wife being "happy" sending her toddler to her parents every week to appease the oldest daughter.
AITA? -- yes he is
Yeah and if he’s working all week and doesn’t get to spend time
With his wife and toddler, how does he not feel any guilt that they're with his parents in law just so he can embellish and feed into sd's entitlement and controlling attempts
Lol sd’s love bombing now is because
She realised she effed up and now that's sabotaging and blowing up in her face that she won't get to go to her dream college.
but a fact of life for the sd, actions and inactions have consequences. Life doesn't always go as expected. She's learning real quick about that.
the stepmum is under no obligation or duty to fund sd's college fund and the fact she did for so long should be appreciated but when you're an entitled brat, you believe the world owes you just for existing
as to the exwife calling the stepmum childish for refusing to sit down with sd and accept or listen to ger apology. Maybe the tables need to be turned on exwife where she has a toddler and cops rock up with a screaming batshit crazy exwife full of raging hormones and a vindictive sd who made a false claim of abuse/physical assault and you're traumatised that your toddler would be taken away from you, you may have gone to jail and even lost your job, sorry just doesn't cut it. Grovelling for the next decade and making active changes, going to the police station for starters to apologise to them for wasting their time, thats taking accountability.
talking an apology and love bombing doesn't make up for it. When bridges are burnt, they don't always get rebuilt and that is stepmums right.
i think the dad needs to go further and tell his wife "no, you and our toddler will not leave our home like some inconvenience to stay with your parents for the weekend. No, you will stay home with me as this is our safe place. You are part of my family, sd needs to accept that and if she can't, that is on her"
i have dealt with vindictive petty sd's referring to me and our 2 daughters as "the new family". Hubby had to explain that we were his family just as much as sd's snd the fact they existed prior to us being in hubbys life does not make them far superior. In fact, the fact i am his wife and we have 2 young kids together, means hubby's priority is to us. His commitment is to us as skids (2 are adults) another just turned 17 a few months ago and therefore they are moving towards independence whether they like it or not
That guy should see his older
That guy should see his older daughter outside the home only (it's ridiculous and not sustainable that his wife and toddler leave for skid weekends), and he should not contribute to the college fund until he has repaid his wife for her contributions. If he has access to the college account and it's not a 529 or other account where withdrawal would have adverse tax consequences, he should withdraw his wife's contributions right away. I'll bet only his ex has access, though.
It sounds like his kid visits him against her will anyway, and spent more time with the stepmom than with her own father. And yet who did the brat turn on? Stepmom, of course. If one of my skids did that to me, she would no longer be welcome in my home. And the home is mine.
I am team StepMom.
Dad should have cut off his failed family spawn for jeopardizing his marriage, family, and toddler.
Nope, that lying shit kid should have been on her own for college and pretty much everything else after that crap.
The XW... is obviously the shallow and polluted end of that Skid's gene pool.
Grrrrrrr!