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Update to AITA my mother

halo1998's picture

Well, I had about enough of her shenanigans....and let her have it today.

Asked her what exactly she wanted me or my sister to do about there situation?  Like what...her response..I just want some sympathy.

Ok....we have given you sympathy....yep my Dad is not easy to live with...but what exactly does us giving  you "sympathy" look like....there is a difference between sympathy and wanting us to solve the issue and or side with you againg my Dad.  Not gonna happen...she didn't have a response to that one.

Then I got..."oh ok then I won't tell you about your father."  

OK sounds good....

Then I asked about the cats....and got she is taking them to the vet tomorrow to have them put down.  (one is like 19 years old....she is old and probably not long for this world..but other isn't).  I told her she is being ridiculous but I couldn't stop her if that is what she wanted to do.  That she would have to live with it..not me.  I thought it was a stupid idea instead of just listening to my sister THE VET.

Then she moved onto she doesn't want to live...(I gotta thank my ex for the training on this one).  I told her if that is true then I would be calling the police and I would have her committed.  My mom then through out that is what your father tells me too.  Well no kidding mom..if you threatened to kill yourself most people will call to have you commited.  I told her she needs to get a therapist and work on these issues and/or have her meds adjusted.  I also told her to quit trying to gaslight me..I have had enough of that shit to last a lifetime.

After the sucide tactic didn't work, it was tell me my Dad is constantly telling her what she does wrong all day long.  That may be Dad bitches about a lot of stuff.  I told her..ignore what my Dad says and do what you want.    Her response...your Dad will get mad.  My response...he will get mad either either you do what want and be a little bit happy or don't ignore him and be miserable.  Your choice...he is who he is....either deal with or not.

Alot of what I heard was....your dad will get mad...your dad doesn't like it when I do x...your dad doesn't blah blah victim mode.    I told her who cares what he likes or dislikes...what is he going to divorce you?  Good luck on that one..and if he does...well then your problem is sovled. 

Last but not least she is determined to torpedo her relationship with my DD by telling my DD she shouldn't have anything to with her father and how dare she expect me to pay for everything for her. (for the record my DD feels awful that her father doesn't pay for anything but hasn't reached the stage where she can stand up to him. )  So...this will only make my DD upset and my DD will pull away from her.  I told my mother I don't this is a good idea but its up to her.  I got...what I'm not entiled to my opinion. Oh your entitled to one...but you just maybe shouldn't tell everyone your opinion and if you do be prepared to accept the consequences.

So...I'm guessing I won't hear from her for awhile.  I did give my sister a heads up that I finally told my mother she needs help and stop with the drama.  My sisters response was "Wow you've got a set a balls.  I just ignore her when she starts her shit since I just can't deal with it."  



tog redux's picture

Honestly, I'd read up on having a Borderline parent, it sounds very much like it (the "I don't want to live" stuff clinches it for me). I have a friend whose mother was similar and had been diagnosed borderline. She was simply impossible to deal with. My friend ended up cutting her off, and then her father, too, after her mother died.

CajunMom's picture

My all time favorite book on this subject....Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. 

Gimlet's picture

telling my DD she shouldn't have anything to with her father and how dare she expect me to pay for everything for her. (for the record my DD feels awful that her father doesn't pay for anything but hasn't reached the stage where she can stand up to him. 


F*ck with me, cool.  F*ck with my kid like that?  I am going to come down on you like all the motherf*cking plagues at once.  Absolutely not. 

I went through this scenario (without the personality disordered mother) with my own DD.  I have been the only parent helping her with college and I'd be damned if anyone shamed her for the fact that I picked a loser deadbeat for a dad.  That's not on her, come at me with that bullshit, not her. 

Your DD will come to terms with her relationship with her dad, good for you for not badmouthing that fool and letting her do it.  That is the right thing to do.

Tog is right, this screams BPD.  My sister loves to pull that "I don't want to live" thing and at this point I would just tell her to dial 911, if I still talked to her.

Good for you for letting her have it and I hope she leaves you alone for a while. 

Good lord, how are you this normal growing up with that?

Sorry, I am angry for you.  I know what it's like to have to protect yourself and your kids from your own family.  And yes I know your daughter is a young adult (right?) and capable of also handling her relationship with her grandmother, but maliciously poking that sore subject is not ok and I could not hold back on saying so, just as you didn't. 

halo1998's picture

and I did give my DD a heads up.  I found out not the first time my mother has gone after my DD for not rejecting her father. Even my DD noticed my mother seems to be on tear here lately.  

I told my DD that she is great kid and I get that she is in an difficult position with her Dad and that her relationship with her Dad is just that hers.  While I don't like that her father doesn't contribute it doesn't mean I share my mothers sentiments.  I also told her to take her grandmother's comments with a grain of salt and do what she thinks is right.


And how did I come out normal....well I'm not exactly normal by any means.  However, therapy helped...lots of therapy after my marriage to the village idiot.  Lots of therapy...that and my own grandmother was really well grounded and all around a good person. 

Gimlet's picture

It's hard as a mom to watch your kid struggle with the dad that you chose, isn't it?  My DD is 27 and she's made a lot of progress with the relationship, but it took years and I saw her cry over it more times that I would like.  I never lost my temper about him to her, but sometimes it took everything I had to stay neutral (while not invalidating her feelings) when he let her down once again, and not just on the support stuff.   I think she does a good job managing it now, even with him becoming a conspiracy theorist and trying to convince her to convert to his religion.

My family thinks she is "spoiled" LOLOLOLOL because I am not a mentally ill addict and expected her to get good grades and helped her with college.  I am so glad I shielded her from them.   Good for you for having the honest conversation with your DD about how her grandmother really is.  The people who should be the MOST supportive tearing you down, what a crock.

Therapy really does change things, doesn't it?  DH asks sometimes how I am doing with my anger and I tell him it's too useful to me to try to check it too much Smile

halo1998's picture

My ex favors his first child, my ex SD.   She keeps him on short leash for her own sanity, although I do suspect she has slipped into alchoholism.  (She drinks ALOT) 

My DS...bless his little Aspergers heart, just goes with the flow most of the time.  My DD does tell me that he and my ex fight alot because DS won't do as my ex tells him.  DS is like that....once he digs in he is like a mountain to move. 

DD is the last on the ex's list I think due the fact she is like me. She just wants to be as important to her father as the other two.  Its so heartbreaking to watch. 

I do my very best not say anything about their father..but every once in awhile a toad pops out.  I generally try to point out what normal people do...and how perhaps their father's actions are a bit scewed.  


Gimlet's picture

I will never invalidate my kid's reasonable thoughts to stand up for her dad and I am glad you aren't either.  It's one thing to not push our feelings on them and another to gaslight them.  It sounds like you are doing just fine walking that line.

My DD called me the other day to tell me about her dad's latest wild ideas and the fact that he told her that he is sending her a jump rope because she needs to do it.  She runs 30-50 miles a week, depending on how much time she has with grad school and work, but yeah, you out of shape clod, by all means send her a jump rope.  She's had issues with over-exercising and undereating so those are the times I will speak up and tell her she's doing just fine without his input.

halo1998's picture

this is something my EX would do.  He was massively over weight but bought a bike for me at 7 months pregnant because..I was getting big.    

My ex's latest antics were....he need to hid the cookies the kids made because they would eat them all.  My DD was eat them all...that's rich considering he will eat anything that isn't nailed down whether or not its his.  She just picked up the cookies and brought them here....she was like ok..NO cookies for you.


CajunMom's picture

Glad you were able to confront her horrid behavior. I agree with Gimlet though...don't let her mess with your child. She will have enough to deal with as she matures and fully understands her dad's behaviors. Don't let your mom add to her stress. 

JRI's picture

I totally endorse everything you have said and done.  But let me give you some perspective about your dad's negativity.  Im watching my 83yo DH age.  He was/is a funny, sensible man who is an over-achiever in life.  He has days now when he never says one positive thing, it's complaints all day long, about how I do things, about one of the kids or grandkids, about politics, about a sports team, etc.  It's tiresome to live with.  But, from his view, after a long, busy fruitful life, he really does know how many things should be done, he can tell when something will cause trouble, he really does know the best way to do many things.  Of course, he is often wrong, too, like everyone.  So, I'm guessing that your dad's negativity is similar. A feeling like, "if they'd only listen to me". 

I doubt there's any cure for this, it's probably been going on for millions of years, older people being cranky.  Lol.

tog redux's picture

As people get older, their natural personality traits get amplified, but being cranky isn't necessarily normal. From what you have said, your DH was always a bit of a "my way or the highway" type, he just probably doesn't try to stifle it anymore. 

Plus I'm going to guess that Halo's mom is not in her 80s, maybe even as young as her 60s. But people with BPD tend to get worse with age. 

halo1998's picture

and my mom is 74 going on 75.  My Dad too is usually sort of the my way or the highway kinda guy....drove me nuts as child.  I just learned to ignore him when I knew my way was better.  I think my Dad has gotten worse due to his inability to walk anymore and just age catching up with him and not being able to do as much anymore.

Mom has always been sort of the drama queen but it has been amped up in the last two months or so.  I don't know it its COVID or my Dad and his nit picking getting worse or what.  I just know in the last few months she has really gone off the rails.

JRI's picture

Very perceptive of you, Tog, yes, he is definitely that way.  One upside is that it produces stubborn, tough kids since they have to be that way in order to have their own lives.  Lol.