I saw the actual Court Order!
Well I saw the actual court order last night and it was kinda close to what my SO said. I honestly do not think he lied to me but did not remember exactly what it said because he has not looked at it in years.
He has full physical custody. Now here the the part that I was not expecting she has "liberal custody rights" that is how it was worded I think. It also said that both parties had to agree on when SS would be allowed to see her.
She has the rights to all his records and to weigh in on what doctors he sees, school he goes to, extra activities. So basically she had the ability this whole time to be very involved in her son's life but chose not too. I asked my SO if he ever denied her the right to see her son he said no. I believe that because she was at the one b-day party the one year together and there is a picture the three of them.
I also found out that her current husband knows about SS because he was at that same party.
Now we are sitting here debating what to do about a lot of things. I keep asking my SO what if something happens to you where do you want SS to go? I honestly think the smart thing to do is somehow make it all legal and clear that SS would not go to her. I honestly think if she got involved at this point and at his age it would do more harm than good. Biggest thing she has three more kids and is a stay at home mom with them. She gave up on her first? If he knew that what would it do to him at this age?
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If the order says the parties
If the order says the parties must agree, and they don't agree, then no visitation.
The "who do you want SS to go to if something happens to you" question is a little more difficult. Most courts will give the kid to the surviving parent, regardless of what plans may have been made.
Yeah I know that. I keep
Yeah I know that. I keep telling him that. When his family bombarded me one night with the same question I had to tell them that as well. It is not sinking in with any of them that is something happened to my SO he would legally go to her unless they fought for him. Let's face it a single aunt with a job in the summer that is keeping her so busy and out late at night is not great and two elderly parents in their 60's who have sold their home here and moved to FL.
Come on people what they hell do you think is going to happen.
I must be missing a heck of a
I must be missing a heck of a lot, but how on earth would sending a child to live with his other parent be doing more harm than good? I mean... unless there are serious safety issues for the kid, the other parent has got to be better than depending on the kindness of strangers or the foster system, right?
He does not know his BM at
He does not know his BM at all. No memory nothing. She walked away and has not contacted in years so yeah she is the stranger in this situation.
Thank you. I never mentioned
Thank you. I never mentioned me adopting him that I can remember. My worry is about 90% for the kid and 10% for me. Of course I would be heart broken if 4 years form now something happened to SO and SS was taken from me but I am a big girl and would cope.
My big worry is for the SS to go live with someone who has never known who has a whole other family where he would probably feel like an outsider and more alone than ever. I just do not want to see that happen.
I know he will be hurt when he is older and will have questions and wonder about things. I have seen it among my own family. I think about it plenty and just tell myself when it happens I will be there to answer questions that I can and ensure him that he is loved. My SO has already done that when he asked in the past but it is going on two years now since he last asked about her.
Thank you for the positive
Thank you for the positive side to all this. I was older when my mom got with my Stepdad and I would have chosen to stay with him or go with my aunt if anything happened to my mother. No was in hell would I have ever gone with my BD he is a wacko.
Funny you call it an egg donor, that is what I refer to her as sometimes because let's face it that is pretty much all she was at this point. She was never really there for her son.
When they went to court for this agreement she had no lawyer and no ride. My SO had to go pick her up.
I do think she got her sh** together since that.
Basically she has liberal
Basically she has liberal visitation rights. Nothing she has ever exercised. After six years she has really abandoned those rights. At this point, the kid would not know her if she walked up and knocked at your door.
If she were to attempt contact and wish visitation, Dad would be wise to go about very slow reintroduction and build forth if she ever contacts.
I disagree that she would automatically just be given the child in the event of something happening to Dad. The lady walked out (not a case of not being aware of the child nor of being pushed out...she deserted the child and never exercised any physical and/or verbal contact). In the meantime, for all these years his grandparents and aunt raised the child with the grandparents providing the home along with 6months a year acting guardians. Considering this woman's past absent behavior, I can't see her charging to run back and sweep the child off.
While it appears she has been heartless and just dumped her kid, I tend to look at it as she very likely feels she has done right by the child. He's been well loved, well cared for, well supported in a family environment and she just may feel she has done the child well in staying away. It's not my place to judge this BM.
Anyway... let Dad decide what and if and when Dad will take the steps to assure a smooth and settled home in the event of anything happening to Dad. While I admire your willingness to step up, open your heart and accept this child to the point of raising him on your own minus Dad if that unfortunate scenario ever developed. But give it some more time and allow Dad to make his decisions and to do his own research into his options.
You're panicking right now because the 'threat' of BM hangs out there. But she is not bothering you and is interfering in any way. You have no reason to believe this woman may do anything. Enjoy setting up your home for you, Dad and the child, go through the bound to come ups and downs and take your time being 100% absolutely sure taking the child on solely is something that would be in both, you and the child's best interest.
Thank you and you make some
Thank you and you make some very good points. I do not judge her totally, it is hard not too when I spend so much time with this great kid who has become very attached to me because his was missing that in his life a "mom".
I try not to judge I really do but I see things that only like a "mother's love" can give a child. There are things I notice that his missed out on and it had not made a huge impact on him mentally but enough that he bonded to me quickly and always just wants to be with me and his daddy.
Just makes me a little sad is all.
This seems like a case of you
This seems like a case of you caring more than your SO about all this.
No not caring more. I am just
No not caring more. I am just a freak about planning for everything and trying to ensure things are taken care of in case anything happens. I have always been like this.
I am glad you read the court
I am glad you read the court order to see the details for yourself.
It seems like BM is capable and competent at raising children. From your description she will not harm your ss. The death of a parent and change in living circumstances will be traumatic to any child. Who is to say that moving in with his biological mother that he doesn't know would be more traumatic than feeling abandoned by both biological parents and living with step/adopted mom?
I would leave this question alone for now. It is a big question and one that your partner needs to be confident on and making his own decisions about the best course of action for his son, it is not one to push him into. Adoption is a huge step that has a lot of implications on you all (your husband's parent and sister will also have emotional reactions to this). It is not something to be rushed into or to pressure your partner into making a choice on right now. You have brought the question up and discussed it. Now it is time to leave the topic alone and let your fiancé lead the way forwards if he wishes to pursue this.
One of the hard things about step life is knowing when a choice is not yours to make and allowing your partner the time and space to work things out for themselves.
Thank you. Thank you for the
Thank you. Thank you for the other perspective he may feel.
You are right his family will have some emotional reaction to it all. I know what my SO wants to happen to SS at this point in time. After we are married he would like for me to keep SS if anything ever happened to him. When his family asked me about I knew the answer at that point but did not tell them what SO and I had discussed. I didn't say anything because I am pretty certain they would not agree with it and it would have caused issues so I kept my mouth shut.
I will try to let it go for now. He has all the fact and information at this point. He needs to figure out on his own.
I wish I had a profound answer I love SS very much but if something happened to SO 6 months from now I am not sure I would be the best option for him. His g-parents might be a more comforting environment. We both are at a lose.
It's very easy, SO can make
It's very easy,
SO can make you legal guardian upon his death... or his sister or his parents, and she only has to agree to it...
Is it really that simple and
Is it really that simple and easy? He wont's make his sister because of where she lives and her job keeps her way too busy in the summer. When her parents move to FL she does not have much of a support system.
His parents might be an option.
yes with us it's as simple as
yes with us it's as simple as that..
SO got full custody over Aergia when they divorced, she remained staying with BM for a couple of years before moving in with him, He appointed me as legal guardian, thus if he had to die then I was responsible for her and there's nothing BM could do about it, yes they can visit or what ever, but that is that....
Our laws stipulate that the bio parent has first option regardless if the child knows the parent or not till the time the child is 12 years old, from there the full custody parent can appoint a legal guardian and the other bio has no input....
but in your case it would be nice if BM signs of on the Guardian appointed and it's SO's parents, she will have a problem if it's you..
SS is only 8 so I am guessing
SS is only 8 so I am guessing she would have to sign off. So will have to research our state laws I guess. It is up to him at this point I do know he wants SS to be with me.
That was him saying it I did not even mention me as the option. He just sees it as what is best for his son. I guess only time will tell about it all.
I accepted it, and well I was
I accepted it, and well I was stupid to... thus think carefully before you do it.
I'm free now cause brat turned 18
and what would happen if you
and what would happen if you and he are no longer together? You've only been in the picture for about a year, if I recall correctly, and there are no guarantees that you will remain in a relationship, let alone get married.
this isn't yours to worry about. Not even a little bit. Lots of people helped to care for this child before you came along, and they will likely have feelings about this, too.
I know you said you are a planner, but maybe you are something other than that?
No literally I am just a
No literally I am just a planner. This is how I have always been. Do you really think the aunt and his parents have a say in this matter? I think this is all up to my SO decide what is best after he has been given all the facts and information.
His son his choice. That is how I see it. I do not try to influence him, he was set on his sister taking SS until recently. I had nothing to do with that at all, he changed his mind after he purposed to me and we bought a house. I was surprised honestly. Once I knew I told him well I can't I have not rights and we are not married and she did not terminate her rights.
He thinks when we are married it will all be be good and simple. Poor delusional SO. I decided to inform him of everything I discovered and told him. Now I guess I just need to take a back seat and let him be the adult here.
I didn't say they would have
I didn't say they would have a say, I said they would have feelings about it. However, it is entirely possible that your boyfriend would consult with them, yes.
Planning is rarely a good thing in step families - unless your plan is to plan for the unexpected.
As I, and many others have said, this isn't your fight. I think taking a back seat is the best thing to do
It is not that simple here in
It is not that simple here in the States, Acra.
I didn't think it was that
I didn't think it was that simple. I know once SS is like 16 and something happened the courts would probably favor what he wants as long it is stable and healthy environment.
I wish things were more simple these days. I wish the court system would catch up to current times and not always side with biological parents. There are plenty of them out there and it includes Bio Mom's. Sometimes they just give up and walk away so why should they still have any rights at all or even be notified. Same for bio dad's.
" I know once SS is like 16
" I know once SS is like 16 and something happened the courts would probably favor what he wants as long it is stable and healthy environment."
I think you have a lot to learn. If you lived in Michigan, your statement would be untrue. Courts here put very little stock in what the child wants, because kids don't always know what it is their best interests.
Why on EARTH would you want courts to "not side with biological parents?"
I am guessing you don't have kids of you own??
I do not have kids of my own.
I do not have kids of my own. I also know that Biology does not mean shit when it comes to being a parents. Just because your contribute to the DNA does not make you a parent. I am living proof I have a BioDad who is a piece of crap and I now refer to him as "sperm donor" "biological father" or his first name when I speak of him which is rare.
Biological parents are not always the best option for kids. In this case I would not want the courts to side with his BM purely for the fact she has not been involved for years and before that it was extremely limited. I would hope the courts would side with his dad's wishes or his paternal g-parents.
That is what I would hope because I truly think him knowing ever that she bailed and had a new family is going to cause damage but at a young age he would not be able to process everything and understand.
Eight years from now if and when my SO are still together and married do you honestly think if something happened to my SO it would be best to take SS from his home that he has known for the last 8 years and away from the only person he has ever looked at as a "mom". Just asking your opinion is all.
I know what it is like to have a biological parent that started a whole new family and gave a shit ton less about his original. It sucked but I was older and better able to process it I worry for this little boy is all. Again I am a freak planner. I am planning on trying to take a back seat at this point.
I agree he needs to talk to
I agree he needs to talk to an attorney. When I gave him all the information he asked what I wanted and I said it is your decision he is your son.
Time will tell. I posted for feed back and to work through my own thoughts and feelings. It is hard and it is scary because I do care about this kid and it sucks knowing in the back of my mind that something happened to SO he would be out of my life forever. It is kinda sad for me. Like I said I Love my SO very very much. His son is pretty great and I am growing more and more fond of him everyday.
I guess I just sit back and see where things fall. I have no say here.
I really hate to tell you
I really hate to tell you this, but until you have your own child, you really and honestly cannot understand what it's like to be a parent.
You can love this child to the moon and back, but you're never going to be the mother.
Biological mothers have a tractor beam pull from their vaginas-no one can overcome that
I will disagree with you on
I will disagree with you on this not all people who mother a child biologically feel this way. There are some that do not care.
Basically you are telling me unless I pop a kid out of my vagina I will never know what it is like to be a parent. What if I can never have children and chose to adopt at some point. Because I did not give birth I will never know.
That is a pretty narrow mind view of things if you ask me. Know I do not know the full meaning of being a parent yet. I am starting learn and understand it though as I am with this kid day in and day out now and I do help take care of him no more than my SO but I do things for him.
My stepdad did not contribute to my DNA and he didn't know the full meaning of being a parent before me, he never had children. I refer to him as my dad and refers to me as his daughter. He helps me when I ask, he offers to fix things on our house, he cares for my way more than my BD, he worries about me all the time and likes to make sure I am ok. He gives me advice still to this day about things going on in my life. I think that makes him my parent.
But wait according to you biology only makes you know what it is like to be a parent.
appointing some on as legal
appointing some on as legal guardian has nothing to do with your will, it's simply stating that you are responsible for the child if the responsible parent is not there...
thus you can take the child to school, get involved with school, take to doctors, make medical decisions, etc.
We did it to ensure if SO is not capable to do anything for Aergia that I could, during the years BM was missing...
we never changed it... and well she's 18, automatically I'm not her guardian anymore... just her trust executive if SO should pass now till she 21
here in the states, it gets
here in the states, it gets more complicated when a parent dies.
it's entirely possible -
it's entirely possible - rare, but it has happened. my bio-mom knew we were better off and much more stable with dad. dad and mom (smom) raised us, while mom bounced around for a while then settled down and had three more kids. she had joint legal custody but never bothered with it. child support was also off the table since their original (only) custody agreement. she never hid us from anyone, she was just completely uninvolved in our lives.
OP - have you checked out your state's laws on legal guardianship?
Somewhat. We need to research
Somewhat. We need to research more I guess. SS is with me every morning and all night long while SO is at work. I am fully responsible for him and I do worry if something were to happen if I would be able to do anything. My SO would be there ASAP since his no longer travels for work.
It is a lot to process sometimes on what the best route is.
It has felt off to me from
It has felt off to me from the beginning. I have seen the documents, I have seen pictures of her at the one birthday party, I have talked to his family about all of it.
I know SO did not want anything from her because he really hated her years ago. She broke up with him when she was 6 months pregnant and slept with his best friend. Yes Jerry Springer moment there. I could not make this all up if I tried.
Because she was on drugs and not living in the best situation at the time SO just figured if she did not pay support things would be easier to just let things happen they way they would happen and they did. She just stopped contacting after she had another kid.
I honestly have no idea why she stopped, I know the last time she was around SO was working and she came to his parents house for a visit. Even his parents allowed visitation. It is so strange to me.
maybe SS reminds her of her
maybe SS reminds her of her young wild stupid days and she does not want to be reminded...
That could be very valid. I
That could be very valid.
I also had thoughts about her just not feeling connected to this child because she had him with someone she obviously did not love or care about. I know that is rare but I just wonder is she never felt like his mother and just let it go.
my son's father did the
my son's father did the same.... he wanted nothing to do with the kid, he offered CS and I told him to go and suck on eggs.... cut all ties, currently no clue where he is...
but I do know he knocked up another lady, then got married had 2 babies with his wife, had an affair and a trophy with the affair, then had a 3rd baby with the wife, had another affair and got his second trophy from that as well...
he supports all his babies and pays CS.... just not for mine
Remember, it was DH's parents
Remember, it was DH's parents that were most likely in charge of the child until just recently. THEY may have acted like gate keepers and marginalized her out of the child's life.
They may have but I do not
They may have but I do not see it with his mom. SO was around plenty and has always had the same number so even if the parents did that all she had to do what call SO. Literally nothing from her in years.
By your own admission, he
By your own admission, he hated her. It's possible she did try.. or it was made very difficult for her etc...
One thing that is pretty sure is that it is quite likely going to require legal changes and to be honest, right now it is very premature.
Both his parents and sister would likely be in line before you.. (whether you think that is best or not).
He did have hate for her but
He did have hate for her but he never said no to her when she asked to her son. He even drove to where she was staying and took SS there to spend time with her. Of course he stayed around because the child was very young and she was not staying in the best of places.
I was not there years ago. I do not think it is premature for him to make sure his son is taken care in case anything happens to him. Especially since he does not want his son to go to her because he feels she left him.
I will not blame him for feeling this way or think he is wrong. I think I would feel the same if I were him. If he chooses his parents and sister so be it. I will not argue his wishes and yes premature for him to consider me. It is not premature for him to make sure there is a plan.
Remember, you only know one
Remember, you only know one side of it. You were not there in the past.
I thought it was you that was interested in planning this though.. since you are a planner?
I think you have gotten a lot of encouragement to slow your roll and involvement in this issue. I would also be a bit careful about allowing the whole "mommy" thing with you right now either. You are setting this kid up for a huge disappointment if your relatively new relationship doesn't last.
In the end, it probably would not be a bad idea for the boy's father to get things a bit more updated. Right now the mother still has rights.. pretty much "at will" to come in and be involved in any and all decisions related to the child. Perhaps things should be set up so that is not the case... especially since she has no involvement otherwise.
You can't know why. Maybe the new husband is abusive and won't let her, but if he leaves then she may be right on your front door looking to be mom again.
She can have some say but it
She can have some say but it says they have to agree but he has full physical custody.
I do not know the situation at all or her side of things.
She has equal say... so,
She has equal say... so, don't be surprised if she decides to exercise it at some point.
Her being a fully engage
Her being a fully engage parent will only happen if my SO allows it or if she goes back to court to have the CO changed.
I know that is a viable option if he goes down this path hence the internal struggle of what is best? Leaving it alone and hope for the best or try to make a plan and hope for the best?
I am not going to lie to anyone not having to deal with a BM has made things easier. I have had to deal with his parents and his sister basically acting like BioParents to some extent and overstepping into our lives because they feel they can. I deal with future SIL talking to SS8 on the phone and asking him about coming over and than asking SO or me if it is ok she comes get him after she already got his hopes up? She does not ask SO first I do know that but I stay out of that one. I chose to be with my SO because of who he is and that is it. If she had been involved maybe things would be different but I would still want him because of who he is. We dated for several months before I met his son and knew much about the whole arrangement with the BM.
I know there is a chance of her coming into the picture at any point I am not naive to that. I agree he needs to do something now so that I can fully prepare myself for a very interesting future.
"Her being a fully engage
"Her being a fully engage parent will only happen if my SO allows it or if she goes back to court to have the CO changed."
Actually with all that you wrote about her having "liberal" rights.. and having equal say on all that other stuff? It would be likely that if he blocked her in some way that he would be in contempt of the order. Physical custody doesn't make her an "unparent" and without rights. He doesn't get to 100% gate keep her away...
Successfully wedged herself
Successfully wedged herself between brother, sister & nephew. Cut Auntie way down in visits. Created lots of drama only to step back and try to look innocent. Diagnosed her as alcoholic.
Successfully wedged between son, mother & grandson. Created lots of drama and again, stepped back far enough to kinda come off as innocent. Diagnosed her with dementia.
And now working on BM... just in case.
This still isn't OP's kid... but she's trying!
Right? Ugh.
Right? Ugh.
I've watched this one from
I've watched this one from the beginning. Similar situation with my oldest nephew. If my brother's NEW gf had pulled this crap on my family & me... lol... NO!
I thought I was the only one really giving her the side eye & thinking she was a little coo coo.
First off visits got cut way
First off visits got cut way back recently due to her job and she sees her nephew like every single week still pretty sure I did not create a wedge. She is taking him this weekend .
Also my future in-laws have been at our house every weekend since we moved in. Pretty sure there is no wedge there either. Just because I do not post every moment of everything about my life you assume a lot of things. I created no drama his family drinks a lot and does pretty stupid things.
I did not create any of this, my SO's parents created this situation of my SO and his son moving out when they decided to just up and buy a house and FL and move about 3 years earlier than the original plan.
Now they are suffering empty nest syndrome hard core to the point future MIL rearranged my cabinets, of and they decided to just take it upon themselves to go to the vet and get this pill for the dog because he had a rash he had before, or telling me how I should arrange things in our house, or playing guilt trips on my SO, or constantly trying to invite themselves over during the week by saying they will make dinner.
No I did not create a wedge and the only thing I have said no to lately with them is coming over during the week because the last thing I want to do is entertain people when I get home right before 6 and have worked all day long. Yup you are right I am horrible person only caring about me and totally pushing his family out of the picture.
It was fine for you stay at
It was fine for you stay at the inlaws house as much as you wanted when SO lived there. Now that the two of you have your own place you have a problem with them come over so much.
And add me to the side eye group.