First post, exhausted and resentful
This is the last week of the summer visit. I'm glad SD15, SD12 and SD10 can spend time with BS2.75. I'm glad they can spend time with dad. They aren't bad kids. I don't have bio mama drama. But I miss my privacy. I miss fewer people messing up my house. I miss the 1-2 hours a day I used to get quality time with my spouse after BS went to sleep. I miss being chosen by my partner.
I don't expect the emotional relationship to be the same as a bio parent relationship.
The mess, and the fact that they disrespect me by not following the rules about cleaning after themselves, is too much to bear. Their dad is a Disney dad and passive by nature and doesn't naturally structure himself so the visits just pour sand in my eyes as a person with anxiety.
When my son gets older, I will throw away things of his that he doesn't put back where they go, and hide his household things. I don't feel like I can do that to the skids although when they visit once their brother is operating under those rules they will have to follow them for consistency.
I feel like it takes more than being good at play and fun to be a good parent. My husband has polarized to be the fun parent who teaches them how to do stuff that is only occasionally a practical life skill.
Planning, organizing, oversight has been me. I'm done.
So he's home with all of them now. I'll show up right in time for BS2.75 to be put to bed. Maybe. I haven't decided yet. If my husband doesn't want to respect my rules then I get to hang out at the gym and he will have no choice but to do the grunt work. He doesn't care if things are messy. I work for an hour cleaning then they don't clean up after themselves? Oh no.
I will have to plan better for the next visit to follow through quickly on consequences. Leaving your iPad out means you lose it for a week. I guess that is what it will have to take. I've wanted them to live me but it's more important to be respected.
He says they are just kids but they haven't been parented the way I would parent them and I have a hard time stepping into those roles. I want the actual parenting to come from their dad. And I want someone besides me to give a ish that towels are sitting outside damp for a week.
- Another_unmother's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
15, 12, and 10 are not "just
15, 12, and 10 are not "just kids." Every one of them can clean up after themselves, do a load of laundry, cook a meal, fold towels, etc. Your DH is doing them a disservice by not insisting that they learn and use life skills that they will need to be successful adults.
Unless he plans on having them live in the basement and continue to wait on them until he drops dead.
What would happen if you stopped doing everything you are doing? So what if the towels sit outside for a week? Make sure you have clean towels for yourself, and when they come whining that they have none, oh well. If it doesn't affect you (and I mean ACTUALLY affect you), then let it go and let Dad handle it (or not). Eventually someone WILL notice that there isn't a clean dish in the house and groceries are gone.
That's what I started doing.
That's what I started doing. I notice then give the burden to dad and occasionally ask in front of the kids. Trying to just leave it all alone. I stopped cooking for anyone as well. Yesterday I just spent 2 hours at the gym after work then watched a show with headphones in the living room and it's nice not to give a ish about the extra stuff.
Is he onboard with you having
Is he onboard with you having consequences? If not, it's a DH problem and that's a whole other story.
But if he is, here's what DH and I do with SD8...
If she leaves something out or doesn't clean up after herself, we send her to do that PLUS another chore.
Example: she leaves a wet towel on the ground, she gets a reminder to do it AND she has to bring the hamper downstairs to throw a load in the wash. Or she leaves a dish at the table, she has to bring it to the sink and wash any other dishes in there.
Nothing teaches kids not to
Nothing teaches kids not to leave messes for other people like cleaning up other peoples messes. Natural consequences.
Yes
Yes he is on board. He agrees with most of the consequences I want but doesn't ever initiate that kind of thinking.
In fact he might be willing to accept consequences that I want that I feel are too strict or overstepping my authority. I should ask.
The way they fight over their dinner chores I definitely think a good consequence would be if you don't put your things away or out of the common area you have to do one of your sister's dinner chores that evening in addition to your own.
How long are they there?
How long are they there? Might not be worth the stress of trying to set rules if they aren't there much.
A week at a time 1-2 x per
A week at a time 1-2 x per year and 4 weeks in the summer. Not long enough to really make major adjustments between their other home rules and ours. But I suspect their mom has similar rules and they just don't follow as stringently here bc their dad isn't such a strict parent and they don't care if I want it.
Why don't you come back when your DS is that age?
I just roll my eyes when moms of toddlers say I will never do blah blah blah. Right.
When he grows up
I understand that reaction, but I have authority over my BS that I don't have over my SKs.
Once my son is 4 or so, I will start to enforce if you leave it out I will say something once and if you don't put it away it will get thrown out, donated or sent to jail for x amount of time at my discretion.
Honestly I might do this to my husband too if he's ok with it as a way to show our son that it isn't personal but rather mom's way of not hating her home life. Dad is bad at picking up after himself too.
What is 2.75? lol- is that
What is 2.75? lol- is that like the annoying 'my child is 32 1/2 months?
For that small amount of time I don't think it's worth your stress to apply anything to be honest. Disengage and enjoy raising your kid your way