We never went through bm.We had copies of the court orders in each car and whenever we needed to show them to someone we'd whip them out.we each also have the scanned copies in our iphones to either email or show to whomever needs to see it in order to answer our questions.
BM has NEVER been up front with information about SD and from the start I refuse to crawl and beg for information from her.it's pointless and causes more trauma for the sm than anything else.We have a hard enough time getting everyday sort of information from BM let alone attempting to get the important info from her.

we have actually run into circumstances where schools have not helped us even with paperwork proving DH has joint legal. With BM 1500 miles away, she gets to chose the schools, doctors, activities, whatever. Try to get her to tell us who the orthodontist even IS and then we can try to get some info from him. She does such a good job of playing "Im just a single mother trying to make it in this crazy world alone and my ex doesnt even pay a dime!" lies that a lot of places wont even resond to us. I wish I was kidding.

I don't have an answer for you. In our case, my H believed what she told him (or was brainwashed!!) He thought that if HE wanted to see their kids, he had to go over to HER house. Ummm, just because that's how BM WANTED it to be doesn't mean it's how it HAS to be.

Same thing with asking for things. He would get so angry and I'd say, "Why are you depending on her for anything? She proved how NOT dependable she was when you were together. You think she all of a sudden got perfect since you guys AREN'T together anymore?? Go on the (website, phone, whatever) and get it yourself!"

Ok..honestly-because MOST men are lazy and want a secretary for them-they often still rely on ex-wives to help w/paperwork-provide info-make it easy just like they did before. Took me a LONG time to get my exh cut off from that idea.

NOW_once the new wife/secretary/aka....etc etc.. comes into place then he'll ask her to take care of it... she's likely to perhaps take over those duties-if she doesn't care to or tries to stay disengaged NC dad goes BACK to BM to get the info lol.

Just my theory.

I have wondered this myself. My DH was always content to get whatever (i.e. not much) information from BM over the years. BM proved to be manipulative in withholding report cards, sport schedules, holiday performances, etc. Her favorite trick was to tell DH that she didn't have a copy of the schedule (even though SS told us she did) and then tell SS that DH didn't love him because he didn't show up at a game or event.

After many years I finally convinced DH to go directly to the school with a copy of his CO, but even this didn't help. SS went to a small school that just couldn't seem to handle the idea of sending an NCP copies of report cards and other communications. We never got anything.

DH's usual reply when I asked why, was that he didn't want to rock the boat and make things more difficult for SS than need be. I personally think that DH felt guilty for the short time that DH and BM stayed together "for the sake of the child" and the child (at age 1) yelled and yelled at his parents to stop fighting all the time. DH was holding on to those bad memories and he didn't want to fight with BM anymore because of the continued impact it would have on SS.

DH had to learn on his own quickly. Neither the ex-wife nor myself were going to do squat for him anymore.

Now he does it all. School, everything. In his case, he had nobody to run "back" to for help.

"Her favorite trick was to tell DH that she didn't have a copy of the schedule (even though SS told us she did) and then tell SS that DH didn't love him because he didn't show up at a game or event. "

Ok asides from her telling the kid dad didn't love him-which is horrid-PLEASE consider that the BM probably went to the sport place...got her own copy-why should she play secretary and make a copy for your DH? Bottm line he wanted HER to handle it for him-when he could have gone himself-figured out who the coach was and gotten his own darn copy just like we do!

""After many years I finally convinced DH to go directly to the school with a copy of his CO, but even this didn't help. SS went to a small school that just couldn't seem to handle the idea of sending an NCP copies of report cards and other communications. We never got anything.""

That's crappy-but yet again...wanting someone else to do it FOR him (school to make extra copy and mail it, et.., bm-etc)...if they aren't sending copies...then he can march himself to school when you know report cards are due (published on the calendar) and go get them Other events? Normally there are monthly calendars online or can be picked up at school Parent teacher? He can ask for his own

See I stand by it-men want it easy. They want other "secretaries" to do most of the work if not all-for them.

Butterfly-good for you and his ex...let them sink or swim-sick of lazy ass men wanting their women to handle their bsns...

My exh-would have had a warrant for his arrest had I not paid HIS ticket (we were still married)....and handlded the calls/sending payment/going to bank for him-I should have enver done that. Ughhh

Ok-sounds like you guys did live in a backwards place-ok but if your 300 miles away how would you even make it to games?
Coaches didn't have a schedule on them?? Seems odd.

School-if it's not online-going in person would have given him a calendar w/the events listed-sounds like they were crappy but still..

I hate to say it but yes it sounds like making excuses for him-

Look-I work full time also-and provide for my kids-your DH's CS (and working full time) is to provide for the own seed he created. So no sympathy there-she still does NOT owe him a copy (unless it's in the decree)....so what if he f'in works full time shoudln't have to chase a report card down...what do you think us moms do all the time??

He calls the school over and over and over until they send him one. I understand the principle is frustrating-I've shared and made copies SO many times I lost count-eventually they need to learn to figure this out on the one....instead of always being full of excuses.

The coaches fault-the bm's fault-the schools fault-the CS I have to pay and hold a full time job for fault-...etc etc.

I think your judging on your own experiences, it isn't always just a phone call to get info, and a piece of paper doesn't always get you what you need, and you haven't even touched on how we are suppose to get names when bm isn't willing to share that info, what do we do call every dr in the area? Like I told you before we have to go through the military police , the commanding officer of the new husband, and its not a small process for dh to even get on base let alone be privy to info, and she doesn't tell him who the drs are what the teachers name is ect ect.....all of his football games are on base, again can't go without some one to get him on base, and that's if she tells him when the game is.....not all situations are easy

I worked full time also with zero help from BD20's real biodad (thank God) and still managed as a 20 something yr. old single mom to get it all done myself, working full time too just like DH's out there and working moms.

If I can do it, DH certainly could as well.

You just have to stay on top of it. Repeat phone calls, go in before going to work early, email exchange, etc. Setting up times after work as well. It is a bitch but they will overlook you if you don't stay on top of it. (as DH learned)

DH: "How can I go to the school and do this and that, Butterfly when I work 5 days a week?"

Butterfly: " You go in to work at 9am, right DH? Sooo...you go to the school EARLY then, before work." (Duh).

Ok Angela I see-absolutely everything is somehow blocked for him...sorry it sucks so much for your DH.

And sorry the BM is beingn unreasonable which she IS....

True...I also have provided copies..even when he didn't ask-So apparently you aren't one of the few. I suspect a lot of normal BM's do this-it's just that on this board we have whack jobs I'm guessing.

There is a recourse against actively blocking-it's called a court order-and YES it's a pain having to enforce it that but it CAN be enforced if you really want to. I DO get the frustration associated with it though.

BUT at the same hand I know that some guys are super lazy and laid back about these things-when a new female is in the picture THEY are the ones to normally pick up the slack-unfortunately to their own peril...but it comes back to the fact that they don't want to do the "leg work" associated with parenting...or would you disagree with that?

I've never made any copies of anything pertaining to my DS for his father...

But, then again, his father didn't try to have any contact with him or even send a bday card EVER. I didn't figure he'd care.

BM started out giving copies of the report cards. And once a softball schedule. That's about it from her end. I still say that H can get it himself if he cares so much about it.

At the end of the day bio parents and step parents should be able to sit down and discuss what's in the best interest for the children involved, this includes education, health, visitation etc etc. Unfortunately BM's seem incapable of doing this. However, in my situation at least, once you eventually 'give up' asking for this info and try to obtain it by other methods, BM then tells SD6 that her dad and me cannot be bothered about her anymore, and do not want to be involved in her life.

BM often has a habit of phoning us the day before a school event, eg school play, asking if we can come. By that time it's obviously impossible to take the time off work so we have to say no. She then tells SD we didnt want to come and obviously it's hard for us to then explain the real situation to SD as she's only 6 and obviously believes everything her BM says anyway!

It's hard to always be the bad ones when all you're trying to do is look out for the children involved.

In terms of getting info from school, BM has refused to put DH down as a contact person at school therefore they cannot discuss anything with him, and as it hasnt gone to court their is nothing official to prove he regularly sees her. Sadly we've had to come to the conclusion that this is on BM's conscience if she doesnt inform us of something important and we've just got to make the most of the time we do spend with SD.

Uberskank has never and will never cough up anything for DH regarding their child. Direct quote "I'm the CUSTODIAL PARENT!!! I make ALL THE DECISIONS!!" (Imagine the worst kind of harpy screech) I've managed to work around her and downloaded the school schedule from the school's website so I know the dates of the first and last days, holidays, in-service days, spring break and potential snow days. Otherwise, we only know what DH's kid chooses to tell us and whatever fairytale Uberskank decides to text to DH.

He and Uberskank haven't spoken in 18 months. She communicates everything through their daughter, who promptly forgets half of what she heard. :evil: Which is fine, considering 99.9% of everything out of Uberskank's mouth is a lie anyway.