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New and Confused..

annmars12's picture

So I am new to this blog thing but I need some biest opinions and help from others with the same problem.  So here I go. My husband of 5 years together for 9 has 2 girls. When I entered this relationship I knew what I was up against for he was recently separated from his wife of 6 years. I dated him for a few months and see the control she had or tho she had. She would call when we were together asking if he was with me and why I was around so much. Not being seriously involved at this point it didn't hurt my feelings,  until I started to see her true colors when we got serious.  Yes I should of see the red flags but this man melted my heart and we hit it off so fast it was scary.  I will take you back a little bit, I a single mom of 5 years was over the divorce problem.  Him not so much. Soooo, we move in together after 5 months  of dating.  We moved really fast. He was still paying for her cell phone and van payment until the divorce was final. After our first holiday together the problem started. I should of left when I could but I love this man and still do. I would receive messages on my social media saying she was in our bedroom and she played dress up with my makeup after she had sex with him when I was at work. Problem 1. I fed into this stupid game and asked what color my sheets were and she wouldn't reply. Flash news, I hate liers.. I paid for their divorce, probably the worst mistake ever but she was needy and we had his 2 girls 75% of the time as she was going on cruises and getting new tattoos with the van payment money as we later find out. As time moves on we end up separating due to the fact on his birthday he called her while I was in the room. Using a drunken night and me in the hospital due to being drugged by some random person we rekindled our relationship.  After that her and I were civil until the divorce proceedings.  All he wanted was 50 50 she refused quit her job and asked for alimony. With him paying almost 1500 a month he lost everything. I stepped in a replaced it so he could function. Wanting more she said I was not allowed around the children and he was to answer her calls anytime the children were in his care. So moving on, 2 years later I decided to move forward and get us a life together.  After countless hours of fighting and drama, I threw in the towel and told him if I didn't come before her from now on, I was gone. I left for 1 week and when I returned it seemed different so I stayed, there were things I didn't agree with but I put on my big girl pants and made it work. We married and that's when shit hit the fan. I'm so over her and her nasty ways, after she finally started dating a man his ex wife reached out to me asking how she was as a woman, for sometime I did not answer until the woman told me why she was asking. I only told her of my experience with her and no more. Now me and my husband ex do not even communicate.  Well I have to say I'm not her biggest fan, but my step daughter is in cheer and I want so bad to be there but being around the ex wife is so nerve racking I have mixed emotions.  Seems like every time my husband is near her she has a reason to say some smart stuff a few days later, and I am over her drama ways. So I am stuck because I want to see my daughter cheer, but I refuse to be around her anymore.  I'm I wrong for telling my husband I will go but if she comes anywhere near us I will leave? I refuse to go to dinner with them after because the site of her makes me cringe.  Am I the jealous one? Do I need to change my way of thinking? I need advice please. No comment will be a bad comment so please help me understand why I feel so alone in this choice. 

Comments

tog redux's picture

This sounds like way too much drama and poor boundaries all around.  Why on earth would he go out to dinner with BM after his daughter's activity?  It's not as if they have a civil relationship. 

I have two friends with very good and civil co-parenting relationships with exes that are not crazy and they don't go out to dinner with them. 

Boundaries are in order here. 

 

annmars12's picture

My husband says we can go but we will not sit together. I am not for that I feel like it making my SD choose and that is not how it should be. But I refuse to go anywhere near her and her toxic self. So do I sit in the car or remove my feelings to have my SD see who the bigger person is. 

tog redux's picture

No - don't go at all. It makes no sense for SD to have to run back and forth between tables.

I wish DH and BM could have been more civil but it was impossible.  If we were all at activities we didn't say one word to each other.  Your DH needs to set some boundaries with her. 

CLove's picture

BM in my case is so fraking toxic, I will not allow her in my home- due to boundaries not respected, and name -calling and all that. And your BM sounds very toxic btw. You will need to help DH create and maintain boundaries with this one!

Creating boundaries is not a sign of jealousy, it is a sign of respecting ones self and demanding that others also respect you.

You can attend events with DH and SD, without interacting. Take turns being with SD after her cheering, and different events, just sit somewhere else, with your DH.

Talk about your feelings of being alone with your DH. You and he are a team, and you have definitely pulled him out of the trenches - he needs to be by your side completely.

It took me some time on these boards to realize and understand that sometimes - our husbands sometimes dont know HOW to create and maintain that distance from the crazy - my DH every now and then feeds into it, they have an exchange. I tell him "see, you absolutely do NOT need to respond to that, its not about kiddo, so why do you care who/when/what the troll dates". Hes like "yeah, I know."

annmars12's picture

I just want to say thank you. You have given me the eyes I need to see. My husband and I have just gotten to this point but sometimes I feel it is 2 steps forward 10 steps back. Toxic is her middle name but, I love my SD. I just do not know how to handle the drama. 

Cover1W's picture

"You can attend events with DH and SD, without interacting. Take turns being with SD after her cheering, and different events, just sit somewhere else, with your DH."

This.  The last YSD event we did NOT sit with BM.  There was no way she could sit with us due to where we were.  Planning!

ESMOD's picture

I'm confused.. is your daughter on the cheer team with SD?  I would not allow his EX to dictate where I went.  Go.. have your own circle of support/friends.. sit away from her.  People will obviously see who the problem is if she shows her "a$$"

annmars12's picture

I am sorry no my daughter is not just my SD. And yes that is what I hope for but she is so fake it's hard to see sometimes. 

tankh21's picture

OP...Everyone here gives good advice. Your DH needs to set boundaries for the toxic BM. If you really want to see your SD cheer then ignore the toxic idiot and sit as far away from "it" as you can.