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I wish my SO would just understand my feelings

Loneranger's picture

Submitted by Loneranger on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 3:33am

Forums: 
Adult Stepchildren

Sometimes I wish my wife would understand my feelings,  I could tell her until I'm blue in the face,  or be as nice as can be about how I'm feeling, wouldn't matter,  just wants it her way.....Two out of three of my sd's annoy me, why? Well, my sd T thinks my wife and I should stop what we are doing for the day and come over to her house and clean,  like.....wtf? My wife has been around her adult kids enough, just went to the movies with sd k and our daughter we had together and watched frozen 2, the wife went to a all you can eat buffet with her kids, my Sd's and their So's for Thanksgiving. After that we watched Sd T's kids on  another day she came over and with sd k's kids for five hours,  while I watched the grand kids while Sd T and my wife talked while two brats were messing with my dog who is old.... When T came back she wanted to talk to her mom for an hour about how she's sad, that's why I watched the gk's... I thought she was picking up her kids and  leaving, nope,  took  another hour or more away  from our night.  I tell my wife I will never take her away from her kids, but at the same time we need to grow as husband and wife... We also have a daughter who is 11 together with down syndrome and autism. My wife and I are taking care of her foster dad who is 80 because we're getting the house when he dies, so we live in a basement with a laundry room and one bedroom our bio daughter gets,  with a bathroom,  and a kitchen with a fridge, sink, stove. Wife and I live in the basement livingroom because we gave our angel the one bedroom downstairs... So when her kids come over uninvited with grandkids,  I get upset,  sometimes I just want to relax... Sd "S" doesn't annoy me as mutch, she doesn't bug us constantly, she gives us breathing room...... I told my wife ] p ppppppppppppppppp] p ppI won't stop having feelings,  I won't zip my lip, I am a human and when I feel like she's not spending time with me I will say something.  Her daughter "T" is like,  we should clean one another's houses once a month..... T has some fu###ng mommy issues and needs to get off my wife's nipple already....My wife makes me feel bad for saying, nope, not today......Sd T doesn't work,  just keeps having kids with her S.O... 

Loneranger's picture

Submitted by Loneranger on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 1:51pm

I put up with it because I love my wife, I'm trying to get through to her....

SteppedOut's picture

Submitted by SteppedOut on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 3:01pm

But for how long? How long have you been trying? How much longer will you continue to try?

Nothing will ever change, if nothing ever changes. Read that again and really contemplate it. 

Triley1870's picture

Submitted by Triley1870 on Fri, 02/18/2022 - 10:42am

Please do yourself a favor and research manipulating toxic adult step kids on YouTube and what to do.

also find a great couples therapist who specializes in blended families.

Letti.R's picture

Submitted by Letti.R on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 5:03am

I could tell her until I'm blue in the face,  or be as nice as can be about how I'm feeling, wouldn't matter,  just wants it her way.....

^ ^ ^
She hears  you, she is not listening though.
To me, this is a sign of disrepect and disregard for your needs and feelings.

When you have some respect for yourself and you put you first, you will put and end to how sh!tty these people are treating you because no one deserves to live with people where your wants and needs do not matter.

You need to be your own champion and YOU need to stand up for YOU - because in the end wishes without action are pointless thoughts.

Loneranger's picture

Submitted by Loneranger on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 1:53pm

Thanks for your response, You're correct, I need to be firm on how I feel l.....

captjacksprrw's picture

Submitted by captjacksprrw on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 9:10am

I agree with the comment that she hears you.  The two of you need to have alone time, no phones, no TV, nothing and truly communicate.  She needs to listen and try to understand your feelings/wants/needs and you hers.  Then you can attempt to work through boundaries, etc.  You two have very little time as you're already caregver for an 80 year old and a special needs 11 year old.  I have a SS28, SS23 and a special needs SIL 53 (developmentally 9-12) so it can deteriorate your marriage. 

Sorry, it is great that the Adult SKids visit but oh Hell no to dumping the babies, etc.  I absolutely adore our grandson but it is never a dump off.  SS28 pays rent and lives at home for now (I believe ASD spectrum but very smart).  Still, earlier behaviors of both SS's and my wife and I failing to set ground rules and communicate really deteriorated our marriage. 

I also suggest the two of you make time for counseling.  The MARRIAGE has to be at the center otherwise you two cannot be effective partners OR care givers.  The adult SKids need to be firmly but kindly informed by both of you as a couple what the boundaries are. 

Good luck and I hope this works out

Loneranger's picture

Submitted by Loneranger on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 1:55pm

Yeah we def need counseling, have someone hear both our stories.....

2Tired4Drama's picture

Submitted by 2Tired4Drama on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 3:18pm

I'd suggest you have a back-up plan in case Foster Dad 80 makes other arrangements on whom to leave his house to. 

Even if he has it in a will, if he has any other family members of his own, they may crop up and contest it.  

 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 12/05/2019 - 8:37pm

I am not sure it is entirely possible for any person to understand the feelings of another. However, it is important to acknowledge teh feelings of those we care about whether we understand those feelings or not.

I would suggest that  you reformulate your efforts in broadcasting to your wife the facts of the situations that are so frustrating for you rather than couching those things as feelings. Facts are easily communicated, more easily discussed than feelings and are far more a foundation for success than feelings are.

Worth a thought IMHO.

Good luck.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Fri, 12/06/2019 - 12:51am

With all the time she's spending with her daughters and their children, does she still have time for her special needs child? Is it possible that she's trying to avoid spending time with her? I'd hate to think that  a child with her needs is not getting what she needs from her parents because of pushy older siblings ...

Loneranger's picture

Submitted by Loneranger on Fri, 02/11/2022 - 12:46pm

Sometimes I wonder.... We go to birthdays for her grand-kids and I feel like she walks off leaving our daughter to me, I'm okay with it, she's my baby and love her. 

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Mon, 12/16/2019 - 2:38am

Is it possible that she's trying to avoid spending time with her? 

I was thinking the same thing.  No judgement from me, special needs kids can be challenging and a lot of extra work. I need breaks from my teen who is on the autism spectrum, very high functioning but goes on tangents and gets fixated on the silliest things (in my view). Drives me nuts. I hope both parents are getting some respite and are able to take very much needed breaks.  

It's hard having a set of older kids then doing it all again with another set of kids.  Mine range in age from mid 20's down to early teens. My youngest absolutely doesn't get the same attention that the oldest did.  If his dad wants to run him to all his activities or take him to PT conferences, yay! You go.  I've been there done that for decades now.  

All that being said, OP's needs need to be taken into consideration too. It's not fair to leave all the heavy lifting to one parent while the other one checks out.  Insist on counseling.