WHY is my SD12 so extremely stupid? Bless her heart...
I have raised her with DH as "mom" since she was 4. I have preached and reviewed phone rules, internet rules, facebook rules, the dangers of the internet, keep a close tab on her, monitor her history on the computer, limit her use, and she breaks every single phone and computer rule every time. I now take the phone at 9pm because she cannot handle herself not to text until midnight on a school night. She is grounded if it even looks like the history was deleted on the computer.
Now, I typically do not read her messages on facebook, though I do occasionally scan her text messages on the phone at night. I used to think she deserved privacy, but she was telling her friends "you don't know how horrible my life is, I'm not your friend no more cause you don't believe my mom (me) is so mean to me and I hate my life and want to kill myself then how is that, you want me to kill myself so I will (text to another 12 yr old girl). Why is she mean to me? She made me water the old peoples stupid flowers every afternoon cause their stupid broken legs and so I have to cause I'm lazy and stupid I guess".
Yeah. Lovely. Now I check her shit. She lies a lot, a whole lot. 
I love her and I want her to be safe and healthy, and then happy, but nothing makes her happy unless you are kissing her ass, which I will never do.
She is also extremely stupid I fear. That or she plays stupid to "get me". She will open the door and leave it open or unlocked. Her entire life we shut the door to the laundry room so the dog doesn't get the trash; she will open the door (for no reason) and leave it open.
She has very few chores at all. Scoop litter box and do it right because I am pregnant and cant. She didn't scoop it for a week and lied and said she did, and we stupidly trusted her. Cats pissed in the living room and shat outside the box. I asked her to dust the TV, mantle, and her own TV and chest. 15 minutes of dusting. She lied and didnt do it then copped an attitude saying she did and I was mean to say she was lying (you could pick up the dust with your fingers). Made her do it again.
****The important part***
Now, I haven't snooped her facebook because I try to give her privacy, but I do scroll down her friends list every few months. So, today, I open her facebook and scroll down her messages - I didn't open any of the messages, just looked at the names of who she was messaging. I did not recognize a few male names and one didn't have a profile pic, so I did open it. It was a complete stranger that said he was new to town and starting her middle school soon (this was July messages). My STUPID SD12 gave him her phone number talked about the name of the middle school, and convinced two girls to friend that account. I am so sick to my stomach right now. HOW can she be so STUPID??? The messages from this "boy" sound like a foreigner or an adult trying to sound like a kid. Its really creepy. I have talked to her about internet safety since she was six.
The thing is, with SD12, she never listens to a word I say. EVER. I am beyond irritated and really at a loss, I mean, as many times as I have talked with this girl about this crap.
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Does she have ADD? Because
Does she have ADD? Because that's almost what it sounds like. I mean, it's one thing if she doesn't give a care or is trying to con you, but if she legitimately forgets things she's been told dozens of times, over and over, that's more than just stupidity.
No, she is able to
No, she is able to concentrate for long periods of time, no hyperactivity, not forgetful unless she wants to be. She's not really stupid either, she just forgets how to shut the door when she is being passive aggressive. She knows the dog gets the trash, we have to take him to the doctor as his skin breaks out with big weeping sores -allergies. I told her if the door was open again and he got sick, it would be her money and her Christmas used to pay his vet bills. Surprisingly, that door has been shut ever since (note that before she was mad and jealous for that few weeks, she NEVER had a problem keeping the door shut from age FOUR to age 12!). She told me she is having "memory problems", but when Santa was going to take all the money out of Christmas and out of paying for a birthday party for her to put towards the dogs medical care, suddenly she wasn't so stupid.
When I no longer got mad and upset about her not dusting the TV (really, I can do it in 10 minutes both rooms, and don't even ask her to do it but once a month or if I am sick) - when it didn't upset me, and I make her dust the same thing three times in a row, whether she did good job or not, and I smiled calmly and said welp, thats your choice my darling, do it once more! All of a sudden, since I was not getting upset, she dusted the next two times without any problem at all and did a decent job. ---I had told her I couldn't get upset as we had two losses, which she knew about, and that stress and anxiety was dangerous in the first trimester for me right now, so to please be calm. It was only during that time that she was pulling that stuff, and she admitted that she was actively trying to upset me and push my buttons because she was mad and jealous and didn't feel she got enough attention. Ugh. LUCKILY, she is over it now after I changed my tactics with her and didn't let her see me sweat. She had asked me to adopt her and I had not done it yet and put it off because I wanted to be 100% sure it was the right thing to do for her, then we ended up pregnant and we cannot afford to adopt right now (I have no prob with school or doctors luckily), and she was really upset over it and said she felt like we would love it more being our "real" kid. I worked hard to continue to be supportive, loving, understanding, and make sure to show affection and concern and include her in the baby planning. It seems she really got over that, thank god.
She is a good kid, she is smart; she isn't a stupid person, she just is gullible and thinks I am "over protective and paranoid" so does some stupid stuff, which smart people can do stupid things, especially when they are 12. The internet thing scared me so damn bad though holy crap.
Your SD is only 12, I would
Your SD is only 12, I would take away her FB account. She is not old enough and obviously lacks the skills to protect her own safety. She can get another FB account when she can prove she is responsible enough not to be doing the things she is doing.
My SD is allowed to lock her
My SD is allowed to lock her cell phone and her parents do not monitor her public accounts. I think it is a disaster waiting to happen?
Definite disaster waiting to
Definite disaster waiting to happen.
I allow her phone and internet access, that means I have all passwords and will check whenever I feel necessary. DH always says we can trust her. Erm no. She's 12.
I have changed the password on her facebook and she will only get on it when I type in the password and she is sitting in the public area where I can walk by and look at the screen. I want her to have her fun, but not if she is going to be unsafe about it. DH wants to just let her take the computer in her room and trust her. Good grief. Glad I don't have to do that. If I say no computer, there is no computer, period. Not to be mean, but she HAS to open her eyes and stop doing stupid stuff like this. Just six months ago, she went to a website that she wasn't given permission for and posted her picture! IT was a "rate my pic and dating" website. Men my age were posting "like" and sending "meet up" requests. I reamed her out and made her delete it. Did she learn? Nope. In fact, just last night, Facebook asked her to change her password because someone from another state tried to log into her account and hack it!
Yep, she will not get her password back.
I think we will also change our internet password so her friends cannot use internet at our house on their tablets and phones unsupervised any longer. - Yes, her friends have complete access to internet with no supervision at all from parents. Couple of them have second facebook accounts so their parents aren't friended on it to see what they do. - YES, I have checked all those accounts friended to SD12 looking for a duplicate account of SD12 on their friend lists. So far, nothing, but I am ever vigilant! Especially now that she will not have a password to go on facebook from a friends house, I know she will try to make a second account.
Gives me a headache, god, if we let her drive in a couple years, she will be driving and lying about where she goes and meeting strangers. Good thing I have her phone low-jacked already. I will be GPSing her every hour when she is 16.
She is a smart girl and other than that month where I think she was really threatened and jealous of the pregnancy, she has been a VERY loving, kind, rational kid and has not been any trouble at all. Just one month out of 12 years really she flipped into butthole mode, thank god she is out of that now and admitted she felt jealous and threatened by the unborn baby (which i Can understand and have worked hard to reassure her).
If I didn't care and love her, I wouldn't give a crap about her internet behavior or be so on top of her with school and safety. She knows that too. I think she just made a BAD mistake and believed and trusted that this one account was really a "new kid". She is very empathetic towards others and is always trying to help and be nice, to a fault. She never wants anyone to be mad at her for anything, so she will even apologize to other kids when they ignore her or act ugly just so they won't be mad at her, even if she didn't do anything. She started soccer and she steps aside for the girl from the other team and doesn't try to kick the ball "because the girl on the other team said 'Get the F*** out of my way B****" to SD, so SD didn't want to make the girl more mad... SERIOUSLY. I have been working with her for years about standing up for herself, I even told her that every time she kicks the ball away from the other team and every time the girls from the other team say something like FU or GTFO to her, I will give her 1 star point and if she gets x star points at the end of the week, she gets a prize and every game night and how the other girl is cussing her to rattle her and spook her, but she should take pride from it instead and let it rattle the cusser. - man I hope that works.
Everyone should monitor their tweens and teens internet usage, mine fully expects it since I have monitored since she first touched the computer, but now I just have to be careful that she doesn't start deleting messages, so cant let her know I actually opened any messages.
"It was a complete stranger
"It was a complete stranger that said he was new to town and starting her middle school soon (this was July messages). My STUPID SD12 gave him her phone number talked about the name of the middle school, and convinced two girls to friend that account."
I will bet about 95% to 5 that the above stranger IS AN ADULT!!!
This part bothers me more than anything else you wrote. Your SD AND HER 2 FRIENDS who also befriended him have more likely than not given an adult stranger enough information about themselves to become a victim.
I think at the least you need to bring this exchange of messages to the attention of someone in authority (police department's internest predators unit?) who can research this person.
The way the "boy" talked, it
The way the "boy" talked, it is most definitely an adult and possibly someone that is English as a second language just by the verbiage. The conversation occurred back in July, and my kid (I raised her) friended the account because the account said he just moved to town and was going to start school at her middle school. She was so STUPID that she tried to exchange phone numbers! She agreed to MEET him in PERSON.
She is not ADD/ADHD, she has a very stable and long attention span, she (and her friends) just do not listen to anything we say. I have preached internet safety since she was tiny. I am so scared she is going to go meet somebody and disappear. I've raised this kid and I love her and no she is not "stupid", but the things she is doing IS STUPID.
I nearly threw up when I read it, she sent little <3 symbols to this account and he told her how beautiful she was and omg vomit vomit! This occurred in July and I just caught it because DH says TRrruuuuuuust her, but I still look down the list of messages for names I do/don't recognize and I am SO GLAD I DID! I am so GLAD I opened the messages from the account I didn't recognize, just two months too late. -- Note, school started in August and the account was closed three days before school started...And this kid supposedly just moved to town and his mom told him to meet people on facebook before starting school....Yeeaaah.
I can't do anything however, as that account has been closed for a while now and no way to track it. She is just so GRR, she will say "but he had a profile pic of himself"... I could just bash my own head against the wall right now, seriously.
I do not allow her to walk outside the neighborhood, not even right down the street to the corner store. She stayed over at a friends house and walked down the highway to the store and further down to the park and told me they were still at the girls house. They met boys at the park. Lied to me about it. - now some of you might say aww poor dear is so scared of you she has to lie to do anything NOT TRUE! She has never been spanked, I only cussed and lost temper ONCE when she was intentionally TRYING (She admitted) to upset me in first trimester after I told her I couldnt get upset and needed help with cat litter. I did say "WHAT THE HELL GOD DAMN IT SD12 WHYYYY". I think eight years and me flipping once when she seemingly was trying to cause me harm can excuse one sentence with cursing.
Yes, SD12 told her friends to friend this account, she could have gotten her friend kidnapped and raped and/or herself. She talked about meeting in person with this account and SHE ASKED THE PERSON TO EXCHANGE PHONE NUMBERS. I could just throw up right now.
I just don't need this. I'm pregnant, have kidney stone, filed Ch13 due to husband having been laid off 15 months and struggling to recover, and now he missed work for the court appearance and they may fire him because while it says he should be off all day in the contract as an excused absence, they are now demanding something from the court that the court people say they cannot do and threatening to fire DH. I also have anxiety disorder/depression and am off medication for pregnancy. Seriously, between SD12's antics the past few months and discovering this, I can't take much more.
Now, I do see where she has 43 people that have requested to friend her on facebook that she DIDN'T friend, but she was stupid and messaged that one and accepted the friend request and said "OH okay I will friend you then if you're new and know my school"...Ugh
So worried about her. I know she thinks I am just being stupid or paranoid and that nothing will EVER happen to HER.
She is very bright, not
She is very bright, not stupid at all, I was just SO scared and horrified when I first opened that messages from that account on her facebook. As many times as I have gone through her friends list with her and reminding her not to friend boys over 14 or any strangers no matter the age if she has not physically met them at school.
Its so hard when her friends have 350 friends, most of whom they don't even know, including teenagers, older men, whomever and anyone that sends them a friend request. SO frightening. SD12 wants to have as many "friend", and it doesn't matter how many times I tell her a "facebook friend" is NOT a FRIEND its just the name of the category. She has the friendship concept of a 5 year old, she will say "But he is my friieeend"...Have you ever MET HIM? No. What's his mom's name? DUnno. Gah.
WELL, I pulled a story off the internet about an online predator that sent friend requests to a girl on facebook. I changed the victims age to 12 from 14, changed the city/state from the real city/state to OUR city/state and changed the predators fake facebook page name from what was listed to the name of this closed account. I also changed the dates from 2010 to 2012.
My darling is a bit nosey and tries to read what is on my computer, so I figure I will leave that up one day in a couple weeks (so she is less likely to think I looked in her facebook). I will tell her a friend emailed it to me, and gosh I am soooo glad she would never do anything like try to meet with someone or give them her phone number.
Some may say that is mean, but she will not listen to me and if I have to make it a little more REAL to her like that for her to be safe, I will. (I would never NEVER send someone to approach her in person and scare her like that NEVER, but a news article that is doctored to be just a little closer to home is necessary I think since she tunes me out and thinks that never REALLY happens).
She's TOO gullible and nice really. This guy (I KNOW it wasn't a real kid, you would 100% agree if you read the messages, DH is oblivious as hell, and HE said that is a grown ass man typing that) got her to feel sorry for him being the "new boy that just wants friends", she loves being helpful and needed, and once he said she was prettier than her friend that she is so jealous of, it was over.
I cannot imagine the horror for those parents whose kids have been victims of internet predators, especially having just read the articles online, it is truly horrifying what has happened to some 11-14 yr olds, they are so easily tricked, no matter how smart they are or how much their parents preach or even monitor their internet - they are sneaky and will delete their chat messages or texts conversations to keep it "their little secret" and will believe the nasty pedo-predator when they say they are a tween and to meet up. It is so scary because those victims have good parents too, many of whom monitored their internet about to the same degree I do (not nightly, just every few weeks checking up on history and friends list), and they had internet safety talks just like we do with ours, and they still get in to the kids.
I'm very sorry and I didn't
I'm very sorry and I didn't mean to get you stressed about everything.
I just read where your DH is aware of the messages. For you and your baby's health, please let him take this over and handle it. (((hugs)))
Oh no no no, you didn't
Oh no no no, you didn't stress me out at all, I really appreciated the validation that I wasn't just "overreacting over nothing". I was able to jump to the next step of formulating a plan to make her be safe without being overbearing (like no internet/phone is hard on a tween when all their friends have it and have it unsupervised).
The situation finding that facebook conversation with the account stressed me out to no end though! DH is going to help a lot in the next couple weeks with closer monitoring and showing her the articles - and from now on, she is not allowed to friend ANYONE without me personally looking at their page first and getting answers about how she knows them.
I was in a total panic when I first read it, then escalated to holy crap I didn't catch it until two months later (and all that could have happened in that two months), then the holy crap that was actually real and they could have GOT her panic mode.
Going to show her the many many articles online about facebook predators and tween victims and going to put her internet access on further lock down AND get it through her head that she could have really put one of her friends in danger telling them it was safe to friend that account (that will get to her more than anything).
I don't want to be mean to her or to scare her to death, but so many girls (and boys) have been victimized by online predators, and I'm sure all their parents had just as many internet safety talks as I have with mine. Someone tried to hack her account a few days ago too. Scary shit, especially when you see those articles and can really tell that it was an adult trying to sound like a kid. What 8th grade boy asks "did you brush your teeth and shower yet?" seriously.
Ah, I am much more calm now after posting a few replies of "HOLYSHIT OMG" freaking out, so blogging does really seem to help, as I am no longer in such a state and was able to be calm when she got home. Haven't said anything to her yet, as I saw where she denied many friend requests to other people - this guy just tricked her with his line (even more dangerous), but we're going to handle it calmly so she takes it seriously rather than "stupid mom(SM) being over-protective and paranoid and overreacting".