Nothing "new" just releasing some stress only place I can right now.
Can't eat, sleeping a lot. Have to work, but am way behind today. DH cries for SD. I am secretly glad she isn't here.
They starting SD on Zoloft tomorrow. She will be released estimated in four days. I dread it; I can't admit it aloud, but I do.
I was told we don't listen, communicate, and essentially do not dote on her enough. I have go do family counseling every week with her now, dragging my 37+ week pregnant self out then postpartum with a newborn in the middle of December/winter to be told we need to listen to her more. We listen to her every single day. She, however, does not listen and does wtf ever she wants. She has broken every rule we have ever given her then pouts and lies when caught.
I sit for 30-45 minutes every freaking day after she stomps home from school and listen to her bitch about her unstable relationships with friends; they're mean, they don't love her enough, ugh. I am done.
Dinner at the table is dominated by more of us both listening to her.
They don't get it, she is happy so long as ALL attention is on HER, but when I watch TV in my room a few days to get the fuck away from her, she takes four anacids and leave suicide notes saying "you don't care or love me so I guess I will just kill myself".
I actually have a diagnosis of bipolar-2 depression (no mania) and anxiety disorder, 36-1/2 weeks pregnant, and off my medication. When I attempted suicide or had the suicidal ideation - when I attempted it, I took the whole bottle and left no "pity me" notes. With the ideation- I was scared of the intrusive thoughts that I would do it but didn't WANT to do it, and so ran straight to a doctor; i did not text all my friends or leave pity-notes all around like she is doing.
This girl does NOT have depression. I would bet my left nut, so to speak, that she has Borderline Personality Disorder; she is all about the attention and the unstable relationships and intensity with friends. She goes from extreme intense close to just they don't fawn over her enough. HOWEVER, she is being diagnosed depression and "lacking family support". :sick:
I am going to have to sing her praises every single day and make sure my son AND MY DOG do not dare get any attention away from her. She threw a fit that I didn't love her enough because I didn't jump off the couch when pregnant at 9-14 weeks with MONO and 102 FEVER to "Greet her enthusiastically enough EVERY TIME SHE ENTERED THE LIVING ROOM EACH DAY". FFS.
God forgive me for saying this about my kid...I know I don't MEAN it...but right now...I secretly darkly wish she wouldn't come home. I resent her for destroying any possible pleasant time in this pregnancy and the birth. I DREAD having to worship her for the next five years or her threaten to take more antacids...I resent the fact that everything has to revolve around her. I don't want to be around her. I don't want her around my baby.
I just am so damn tired and worried about all the stress on this pregnancy. I am 37 years old, already have anxiety issues, plus her intentionally trying to push me over the edge (she admitted it in first trimester). I haven't even called him by name once. We haven't put furniture together or anything because SD threw her tantrum this weekend, when we planned on doing it.
Oh, and SD threw a fit that I wouldn't let her baby sit the INFANT. I asked what she would do if he stopped breathing, and she said " *eyeroll* I would call you and tell you he was dead, gawd, not MY fault if he stops breathing *huff*"...yeah, and DH thinks I should trust that with my infant. She freaking watched and grinned when her 1 yr old cousin got her head stuck in a barbie playhouse and was in the same room, but didn't stop the baby, didn't help the baby, didn't even notify anyone that the baby was hurt. The baby laid there and screamed in panic as the parents rushed in to see.
SHe is so good at being pitiful though, really. She uses a really pitiful voice that is high-pitched and whiny "hh iiiiiiii" I hate it.
Guess I will tell the therapist that she is telling us the therapist is mean to her and yells at her for not answering correctly...and everyone there doesn't treat her nice enough.
OMFG I dread her coming home. I'm so sorry for admitting it, but I do. 
I DREAD IT DREAD IT DREAD IT.
I don't want to have to be in the same fucking room with her 4pm to 9pm every day. I hate it, staring at me with those dead fish eyes like Kristen Stewart dead eyes demanding constant attention and fawning.
Guess I have to try to work. Just kept sleeping at my desk all day. Now work is behind. Blood sugar is fucked haven't ate in two days, threw it up.
We were supposed to enjoy this week and have good memories for the pregnancy and low stress. THANKS SD! She's eating up the attention there, too, and you can tell by her face how excited she is to come home and tell everyone at school for the attention.
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OH, and DH and I had a fight
OH, and DH and I had a fight a few weeks ago, which of course "is tearing SD's LIFE APART". ONE fight and it was ALLLLLL about princess according to her. She stomped and pouted and told me off the next day and said shit like "you better be glad you didn't come in my room"...DH was screaming at me and got in my face and left. Princess didn't hear anything other than "Fuck you" and "shut up" because that's the only words we said then he slammed the door and I said "FINE GET OUT"...so she texted everyone she knew and told them "mom threw my dad out of the house"...THEN she (SDSTB13..) texted my SIL and asked "Is my /Daddy/ there? Is my Daddy ever coming Homey? Does Daddy luv me?". :sick: :sick: :sick:
So now every kid in her school knows about our fight. I read texts saying "gosh so sorry for you poor SD your parents are horrible and fight all the time you were right when you said your life sucks"...
We have had two "fights" like that in nine years.
I am starting to really not even like her right now and dread her coming home so bad. I don't care if I even get flamed for saying that. I have to smile and cater and serve her when she gets home, so I have to release somewhere before I put on my servant hat in a few days and start iwth the "you sure is prettier than everyone" and "gosh you sure is the best" and "gosh everyone so mean to you poor dear" and sitting and tending to her 24/7. I am going to HATE my life and dread her coming home from school and weekend so fucking bad.
Who knows, maybe the medication will make her not so much of an emotional vampire. - LOL I know, look at me and all my blogs the past couple days; pot-kettle? I, however, have not said a word to anyone IRL. I dread her spreading this around her school and family. Full of dread.
Since she is so good at being
Since she is so good at being pitiful - just let her be pitiful. She is not your child. I know you don't hate her but don't let her manipulate you.
Look after YOUR child and ignore her. If she doesn't get enough "attention" or "love" then that's on her dad not you.
The best thing you can do for her is to ignore her and not give in to her demands for attention. If she truly has psychiatric problems then you do not have the skill set to fix her.
You need to take care of yourself and your baby. She should not even have to be on your radar.
" I have to smile and cater
" I have to smile and cater and serve her when she gets home, so I have to release somewhere before I put on my servant hat in a few days and start iwth the "you sure is prettier than everyone" and "gosh you sure is the best" and "gosh everyone so mean to you poor dear"
NO YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DO THIS. Are you serious? You don't have to do any of that shit.
Practice: Go to hell stupid
Practice:
Go to hell stupid bitch.
You are the ugliest POS I've ever seen.
Go get your own crap.
Go away.
Eat shit and die.
Now don't say these thing anywhere but in your head! Just put some earbuds in and ignore her while you think these thoughts.
This is how I feel. So far,
This is how I feel. So far, she is sad and depressed and life sucks (Until I tell her how great she is and give her that attention she fishes for) over the past two years and she will talk to me about how prettier her friend is or how no one loves her or how the friends ignored her or how everyone will love the baby more than her, (Fishing for compliments and reassurances). I always immediately did it too, with all the you're so pretty why would you think that, you'll always be the mostest special first born that she fished for, and just on and on. It just got so DRAINING over the past year to the point now, I dread having to tell her even one time any type of reassurance, and I KNOW I will have to.
I am her mother figure, I am responsible for her. I should WANT to give her all those reassurances she is so desperate for, and I realize my failings for being so disgusted and hateful right now. I know she's sick, I get it, I care, I really do, but I also just feel so DRAINED and I guess just resentful right now. Ugly as that is, I do.
***So that's my question - Why do you think you have to? ***
I know she is having problems. Of course I care, but after the therapist told me we need family counseling so *I* can learn to listen to her MORE (more than two HOURS A DAY LISTENING TO HER???Just kill me if I have to do that 30 min after school listening to her, all of dinner listening to her, and MORE TIME for listening to HER..) and how to help her feel better by giving her the reassurances she needs from me...Yes, the therapist said this and GOD, yes it makes me feel like I am going to be forced to constantly suck her ass to keep her happy "or else", as in she will cry and take antacids because I "don't love her enough" again.
I feel so bad for dreading her coming home. Like a huge, ugly, selfish asshole. I should want to help her more, and I just want to not deal with it all so freaking bad right now. I know if I am depressed and nap when she gets home, it will be just more "you didn't greet me enthusiastically enough every time I came in the room!!!" and I dread it.
She focuses on me and being
She focuses on me and being abandoned by me or not reassured enough. IT's overwhelming. I have raised and loved her, but it's like she is sabotaging and trying to make me not love her or abandon her? It is just wearing me out from all of it.
I am the one that is afraid, actually, much more so than DH. DH said she is grounded when she gets home and will be treated normally. However, *I* fear that she will wait until DH is at work and then I will be asleep (due soon and depressed and tired and overwhelmed) or at work (work at home) and that I will not be giving her all the attention she expects for an afternoon, and that she will find a way to get some pills and I won't catch her or something else or just will say she did. She will do it if she isn't getting enough attention and building-up, is what I expect. That, or she will claim to get some pills and write texts out or write "you dont love me so I took pills again" threat letter to manipulate.
I am actually TERRIFIED of her coming home and my not doing 'good enough' and her doing something to "hurt herself" again or threatening. I think this is where my dreading her coming home is stemming from and my feeling that I am going to have to "worship" her to keep her happy lest she do something to force that, which is then spawning all this anxiety and dread and resentment inside of me. I can't even eat for two days; I tried yesterday and threw up and tried today and threw it up. I can drink water for past 48 hours only. I am sleeping 12-15 hours; what if I am asleep and she decides I am not listening and paying attention enough to her.
If she does this again, I am dropping her off at the hospital inpatient immediately, too, of course.
Maybe the family counseling
Maybe the family counseling will help me with these fears. I don't feel nearly as anxious or resentful or like I "have to cater and worship" now that I realized I am just flat out terrified of not doing well enough for her. It really is fucking with my anxiety disorder, btw.
I would do for her just like I would for this baby. I raised her and she is my responsibility and I won't dump her because she got difficult or is sick or has mental illness that is challenging. I can't help the feelings though when they come, but I am so glad to be able to have somewhere to write them out and get feed back rather than sit here alone.
I think this is a "lightbulb" moment - I don't dread HER being around - she has always always been my "princess pookie(pet name, not a snark or putdown) or my "Pookiebear" or "honeybunny". It's not that I all of a sudden don't want her, I am just scared!
I have a challenging mental illness myself, which unfortunately makes this late third trimester, un-medicated, with very high stress even more difficult time right now.
It's not dreading her being around - it's fear of ME not doing GOOD ENOUGH and manifesting itself as resentment and frustration... and vomit.
*I will be conscientious to make sure she is getting adequate attention, but I will not carry her around on a satin pillow, so to speak.
*I will be understanding and compassionate about HER own fears and anxieties about the baby and her jealousies, but I will not put her on a throne of being worshiped just to keep her from making another gesture.
She is starting medication today. I get to start back on my anti-anxiety meds in just a few weeks.
I am feeling so much better working through those thoughts, and I think once she is in therapy with medication things will get better and back to normal. Especially when the baby is born and she realizes DH and I DO actually still love her and like her (regardless of my panicky negative-thoughts posts here in private working through my own issues).
"Counseling is an excellent
"Counseling is an excellent idea, providing that the therapist can see through the bullshit and tell your DH and SD that the world doesn't revolve around her." <-- This. My DD11 had her therapist fooled into beleiving that all she did was come home and be my slave and do homework. That led to her behavior getting worse. Even after she was dx'd w/ psychosis (hears, sees things; generally experiences a different reality) and the therapist *knowing* this, she still managed to pull the wool over this lady's eyes. Good therapists are hard to come by, but when you find a good one, they're a God send!
ETA: I also had to lock up a lot of things (to include all pills), and store my guns at a friend's house. Safety first.
I have had this, I swear
I have had this, I swear almost exactly with sd13. Except they pregnant part. They will not diagnose her anything but depression as a minor. It's dumb. You might be able to talk with the therapist and ask what the real deal is. That's when the doctor at the mental hospital told us if he coud, he would diagnose her a sociopath. But he can't. And ten psychiatrist will diagnose 10 different ways. Try to relax. The meds helped my sd some with the moods, but the narcissism is still there. She genuinely couldn't care less if it isn't about her, or what she wants. I don't have a lot of advice, just understanding, support, and hugs. Pm me anytime if you want.
I HIGHLY recommend you go to
I HIGHLY recommend you go to bpdfamily.com
It is a fantastic resource for learning about Borderline Personality Disorder.
Read the forums there.
I know it has been helping me with how we manage my SS17 and his mental illness.
why did you not take away the
why did you not take away the cell phone for spreading lies around the school about you. I would have taken it away. Having ANYTHING is a priviledge for a child, if that priviledge is abused it gets taken away.
It sounds like this little princess has you around her finger and she knows it. She's only going to get worse until you seriously disengage.
I don't know what else to say except maybe you should have some counseling and definately never leave baby in her care.