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Update to drinks with SD25

Aniki's picture

Sorry for the delayed update. I was in training all last week (managed to NOT lose my mind too much) and have been playing catch-up today.

Here’s the original blog about SD25 asking me to meet for drinks. She had texted DH telling him she had been ”a real shit” and wanted to tell me how sorry she was…

https://www.steptalk.org/blog/aniki/surprise-sd25-just-texted-me-251821

 

I was smart and took a taxi, like I said I would. Hey, a Friday night? If all went south, I could walk down the street to another bar and have another drink or 2 before having Neil and Co drive me home.

Thanks to you STalkers, I was doubly smart and recorded EVERYTHING (including the 2 guys trying their best to pick up SD25 and me – LOL!). The evening went better than I hoped. And yes, I admit that I HOPED things would go well because SD25 and I used to get along swimmingly. Here you go…

 

I arrived first, as I planned. Call it what you want, but I prefer to pick MY location for possible warfare. FYI, I suffer from anxiety, I was nervous, so I tossed back a shot of nerve-calming tequila, and ordered a seltzer with iced tea and lime - which gave the impression I was drinking a whiskey and seltzer; my “one drink”.

SD25 was apparently more nervous than I was as she began babbling the minute she showed up and I couldn’t get a word in edgewise for a while. (Good thing I recorded this…)

SD: Aniki, hi!! OMG, I’m so glad you came. ~BIG hug~ SO glad! ~another BIG hug~ I wouldn’t have blamed you if you said ‘no’ but I’m really glad you didn’t! In fact I would not have blamed you for telling me to f*ck off to the moon and back because I’ve been absolutely awful to you. I’m sorry, Aniki. ~starts crying~ Us kids have all been so shitty to you. I’m sorry. I’m SO SORRY. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me. I didn’t know what I was going to do if you said you wouldn’t come. I don’t know if I can make it up to you but I want to try. You’ve always been so good to me – to all of us – and I’ve been a total shit. I’m so sorry, Aniki. I love you. I do. You mean so much to me and I’m sorry I’ve been so awful. ~at this point, I’M about to cry~ Mom and SD22 told me you said horrible things and I was stupid enough to believe them. STUPID! I was upset about SSthen17 leaving and they said that shit and I was so mad! I couldn’t believe you would say that stuff. You’d NEVER been shitty like that. But I was stupid and upset and was horrible to you instead of trying to talk to you. Oh, Aniki, ~starts SOBBING~ I’M SO SORRY!!

 

This is not at ALL what I expected! I have never, in 9 years, seen SD25 shed so much as one tear when she had a major head cold, much less fall apart like that. What does one do, but try to comfort the upset person?? So I hugged her…

 

Me: I forgive you, SD.

SD: ~hiccupping and sobbing her reply~ Th-hic-thank hic you, An-hic-niki. Thank hic you! ~sobs HARDER~ (and says - with a LOT of hiccups and voice catching…) Mom is such a bitch! She said you hated all of us. HATED us. Except SS19. You liked him because he joined the military. That he was the ONLY one you liked. That you hated us and would only be happy if we ALL left like SS19. You only pretended to like us to keep Dad. I was stupid enough to believe her. She’s such a f*cking bitch!

Me: SD, I don’t know why she said that, but it’s not true.

SD: I know it’s not. I know it! I overheard her talking to Mr. Pinhead after Christmas. She was laughing about it! How we don’t get along anymore. LAUGHING! I asked her what her f*cking problem is. She said that SHE’S the mom and you have no business trying to take her place. I told her she’s a GD idiot because you NEVER tried to take her place. NEVER. That’s you’ve always been good to us but like a friend. Then she started SCREAMING at me!!! ~clings to me and sobs HARDER~ “That’s a F*CKING LIE!!! I know GD well that GD bitch talked to you when I wouldn’t! Playing mother to you when I wouldn’t. THAT’S what she wants! SHE’S TRYING TO BE THE MOTHER! Well, I’M THE F*CKING MOTHER!!! Not that barren bitch!!!” ~ouch~ Aniki, I called her a f*cking bitch told her to f*ck right off!! You were my FRIEND! You LISTENED!! She wouldn’t listen! She wouldn’t listen because I wouldn’t do what she wanted! Dad didn’t want to talk about it but what girl talks to her dad about her love life?? You LISTENED to me! You were my friend and I f*cked that up because I was stupid and thought mom was telling the truth. OMG, Aniki, I AM SO SORRY!!! You’ve been nice to us even when we treated you like shit. I know it’s because mom told everyone that BS. Aniki, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me!!!

Me: I forgive you, SD. I do.

SD: I want us to be friends again. I miss you. I miss my friend. You never judge me. You listen. You CARE.

Me: I’d like that, too. I’ve missed you, too.

SD: Aniki, SD22 is a GD liar, too. She said she heard you tell dad to not give her money. But I know you were at work when she called him to ask. Baby daddy saw you walking to the parking lot with people. We were on the phone and he said he saw you. And then SD called me to say you JUST told dad not to give her money. That she HEARD you say that. I knew she was lying because YOU WEREN’T HOME. She still thinks what mom said is true. I tried to talk to her, tried to tell her that mom lied about you. But even if she didn’t that it was wrong of SD to make up lies. Aniki, I’m sorry! I tried to tell SD the truth. She doesn’t WANT to believe mom is a lying bitch. Those two are exactly f*cking alike.

Me: Hon, SD22 is an adult. You need to let her choose her own path.

SD: SD22 is a cruel and vindictive ASSHOLE. She’s on the path to being an even BIGGER asshole than she already is. I’m sorry, Aniki. I’ve talked to SS19 and PigPen. We weren’t fair to you. You were new and you were nice and we didn’t believe it was real. We were so sure you were just playing nice. We were all dealing with post-divorce trauma and mom was being a complete bitch about the boys seeing dad. She has always lied about you. ALWAYS. We were all too young to realize it, but we do now. Aniki, I don’t think the boys know exactly how to say they’re sorry except to be nicer to you from now on.

Me: It’s okay, SD. We can all try to start fresh.

SD: Thank you, Aniki. Thank you! You’re so sweet. Deep down I knew mom was lying. I didn’t want to believe she was like that, but she is. I don’t want to be like her. SD will be, but I won’t.

 

We ended up eating dinner and staying there for FOUR hours. We talked about her school, my work, the weather, books…. All kinds of things. We talked about her kids and what happened next shocked me…

 

SD: Um, I don’t know how to say this… ~uh-oh~

Me: Say what, SD?

SD: Well… would it be okay if… OMG, if it’s not okay, that’s okay. But, well, can the boys (her boys) call you Grandma Aniki? ~what?! wow!~

Me: I’d like that very much, SD. Thank you! (I hugged her.)

 

 

Since then, she has texted/called me 4 times, just to chat. It’s nice to be appreciated for being me.

Comments

justmakingthebest's picture

WOW!!!!

It is amazing what can happen with a little clairty and an open mind for like 5 seconds! I really hope that this is a huge turn around and the start of a positive relationship!

tog redux's picture

Wow! A skid figures out parental alienation. That's awesome.  I hope my SS19 someday "stops not wanting to believe" that his mother lies.  I've always seen him as preferring to believe her lies than believe she's a liar.

They say it's more likely as they approach their mid to late 20s and their brains develop fully.

Aniki's picture

BioHo tried PASing the skids against DH and was, IMO, fairly successful with the girls. Then it was step-PASing. Again, it worked with the girls. But 'Ho couldn't keep her mouth shut and screwed herself. 

thinkthrice's picture

Seems like the PAS cataracts have been removed!  I'd still be cautious though.  One swallow does not a summer make.

Trust but verify.

TwelveLongYrs79's picture

Sometimes (unfortunately) it takes them to hit the throes of adulthood to realize what an butthole they've been.

I'd be guarded...but this really is a wonderful thing to hear.  I hope it gets even better over time for you both!

MurphysLaw's picture

Right, I’m bawling over here … That’s wonderful Aniki! Just absolutely beautiful! I am so happy for you, DH, SD & SSs 

Tears of HAPPINESS from reading ST…I never would have guessed it.

Monkeysee's picture

Sounds like a wonderful visit, and what a surprise at the end! Grandma Aniki has a great ring to it Wink

Aniki's picture

Being childless, I thought I'd lost my chance to fill that role. It's a little strange, but I like it!

ITB2012's picture

Wow! Congratulations! What a turnaround.~sniffle~

I agree with others to take it cautiously as she has some long, engrained habits that she might slip. But based on that conversation that if she slips, it's a slip, not how she really wants to interact with you.

~trying hard not to cry at work and remembering why I usually check this site later in the day~

Aniki's picture

I was so surprised, but in a good way. We had a good relationship before and I was hurt when things went sour. Now I know why. And who caused it.

CLove's picture

Did you slip and fall into "stepheaven"????

Thats awesome! I hope someday to hear this kind of thing from Munchkin or Toxic Feral Eldest. Its like the Golden Fleece for us to "earn", but sometimes it takes a lifetime or never.

Yay! Im happy for you Biggrin

Evil3's picture

Wow! That's great! Congratulations on being considered a grandma too! That's huge!

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Aniki!!! That's AMAZING!!!! I'm thrilled for you! Good on SD for realizing the truth!!! It happens so rarely!

Aniki's picture

Thank you, PA!! I'm both happy AND sad she learned the truth. I cannot begin to imagine dealing with the fact that my mother is such a POS.

ndc's picture

That's awesome!  And your responses to her were perfect.  I hope SD22 eventually comes around, too.

Aniki's picture

I'm not holding out much hope for SD22. She was a mini BioHo at 13 and has only gotten worse as the years go by. She's bitter and resentful and mad at the world. It will be a long, hard road for ger with that attitude. 

StepUltimate's picture

Made me cry tears of joy for you! 

Miraculous. Well done Aniki. You are one classy lady.

Much respect,

Aniki's picture

Aw, thank you, SU!!

I try to be a good person. Don't always succeed, but I try. In all of these years, not once have I ever spoken badly about 'Ho in front of her children. In fact, I made it a point to never mention her if they were out in the yard! Only when they were nowhere near our home. It would be a blatant lie for any skid to say I ever said a word about 'Ho. Not even saying "your mother/mom" in reference to ANYTHING.

SayNoSkidsChitChat's picture

If she comes to you with her hand out or to your DH it’s all a farce. You’re treading into a minefield here. Do not let your mourning for lack of living children sway your better judgment. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst I’m afraid. Sad

F*** Biohag am I right?

Aniki's picture

SD25 hasn't asked DH for money for awhile. In fact, she tried to make DH take back the money he gave her and baby daddy at Christmas.

Oh, hon, I'm not mourning my lack of children. That ship sailed looooong ago. I am, however, doing as you suggest and hoping for the best  while preparing for the worst. Proceed With Caution!

Eff BioHo? Not with King Kong's weezer!

Siemprematahari's picture

Aniki what wonderful news! I'm happy that SD saw the beauty that is you. You are genuinely a wonderful person inside and out and glad that she saw it for herself. I think in the end this is what we as step parents want.....we want the step kids to see us for what & who we really are and not the lies that their parent place in their heads.

Wishing you both all the best and that this new found friendship only gets stronger.

Aniki's picture

Muchas gracias, amiga!! Thank you for such kind words!

SD25 and I used to get along quite well. Until Bioho told that whopper about me only liking SS19. I've seen SD25 upset and angry before. I have never, in 9 years, seen her break down like that. I believe she was genuine. I will not, however, throw caution to the wind and will step carefully.

Thank you again, Siempre! Kiss 2

somethingwicked's picture

Shocking amazing !

And the start of something new and good? I hope it is so if it brings you both closure of old wounds and a fresh start.

But pardon me if my skeptical cynical  too oft wounded by adult skids SM  heart is not completely sold on SD 25.

I hope so though for you  that she is being truthful.Time will tell.

.