Breakdown Today
I totally had a breakdown today. I'm sick and tired of being the martyr to my DH's children. They blame me for everything, tell people how much they hate me, I'm an evil stepmom etc. I went for the jugular this afternoon. I told them to pack their shit and call their mom to come get them. SS doesn't call but SD does. Of course BM tells her she can't come get her because the courts won't allow her too. WTF!!!!! She's an idiot. I just roll my eyes and head outside. I am always the one to blame when those two don't get their way. I had nothing to do with their parents divorcing but it seems like I pay the price with them. They were divorced 4 yrs before I came along but you would think it happened yesterday. I guess it's easier to hate me cause I'm not their flesh and blood. What's frustrating is these two brats live with me full time. Their BM didn't want them but you would think how they act that they were taken from her. She's a saint in their eyes. BM doesn't own any of the decisions shes made for those kids, and BM everytime plays the victim to get sympathy from skids. When I tell SS12 and SD10 that the decision for them to live here was made by both parents they blame DH and me for crying out loud. When push comes to shove DH defends BM. I hate it. He says he owes her for lying for him a long time ago in court. If he feels like his debt is not paid to her then maybe they need to get back together and work it out, cause I'm not about to bow down to her and kiss that b*tchs feet like he does. I'm basically a single parent to 5 children. I am here for everything. No one else. I get no credit. I really think I need to disengage and not feel guilty about it. F*ck the drama. DH doesn't want me to but I think that's so he can just do his thing. He doesn't get it that he needs to draw a line in the sand and dare those kids to cross it. I've done that with my bio from a previous. They may argue with him about stuff but I'm quick to stomp it out. I demand the same. I'm just mad at the whole situation. Let them move in with their mom in gov housing, less headache for me.
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AtM
Honey you and I are one in the same. Our situations are pretty identical. Our BM lost custody, but she didn't and doesn't really want them. She swoops in to "buy" their love and adoration and wants nothing to do with the hard stuff, the discipling and raising. She only wants to be there when they are being praised or receiving some sort of accolade so that she can say "I'm the mom! I'm the mom!" Like she is in a beauty paegant. DH and I put in all of the work. A lot of it falls to me since I do not work and DH is the sole provider. Of course, the kids resent me for that and they knock everything I say and do, but praise BM as though she created the heavens and earth. :sick: My skids are SS12 and SD13. When SD was 9 she was the most difficult one to deal with. Now she is calm and cool and SS is unbearable. I often feel like they are playing tag team on me. It is rare when we get everyone on the same page doing what they need to do and behaving how they should behave.
I totally understand your frustration. I would lose it if DH was constantly sticking up for BM. I too would tell him to pack his shit and go live in her bat cave forever and ever and take the skids with him. Do your thing. Disengage when need be. Stand your ground and do not allow them to run over you. If it is anything like in my situation SD may see the light before SS but that depends on the relationship they have with BM. My SD is older and she sees BM for what she is. My SS on the other hand is coddled and babied by BM and she shits out gold coins. Only problem is that he can recognize that all that glitters AIN't gold and that gold is really brass or candy wrappers. Ugh.
Hang in there but stand your ground. If children were meant to run the homes then God would have given them jobs and made them take care of the parents.
Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P
(((HUGS)))
I really admire you and the others on this board who do so much for your skids. As a SD, I can safely say that yes, it is easier to hate the stepparent. It's difficult for children to admit the flaws of their bioparents. I think that a lot of the time they know that their bioparent has a lot of flaws and has done some really bad things, but out of loyalty to that parent, they defend them. On the other hand, some kids are so deeply PAS'ed that they think that the bioparent is right and the stepparent is evil. That doesn't make their taking it out on us right, though.
I agree that disengaging is the best option right now. If the skids need a ride to school or some other activity, they'll have to ask DH, call a friend, or walk. Let DH do the cooking. Let him do the laundry. Let him handle all of their needs. Tell them that you are taking a month's hiatus from them (not from your bios) and that if they need or want anything, they'll have to ask Dad. Maybe then they'll start to feel some appreciation for what you do and realize how rude they were. I don't think having them live with their mom is a good idea because that will just teach them that it's ok to leech off the government and that they never have to fend for themselves. Do nice things for yourself and pamper yourself for putting up with this s**t for so long. Get a massage, get a coffee, take a nice bubble bath (and remember to hang that Do NOT Disturb sign!) hang out with friends, etc.
You might want to suggest to DH that he get the kids counseling, because it seems like they haven't learned how to appropriately vent their feelings about their parents not being together. Counseling has and continues to be a lifesaver for my SDs. It has helped them cope with their BM who is, IMHO, a loser. It has helped them cope with the lack of her presence and love in their lives.
You might want to also ask DH how he would feel about you defending your ex to him.
I too know how u feel....
It totally sucks...I too have a BM who just went away to "live her life" after we got custody...so now I get to mop up her mess...Its soooo hard to teach these kids the right path in life after they have seen their BM sponge off the system for the time they lived with her...I have SD17, SS15 and SD11...and right now I am going thru hell with the oldest....she is acting like this entitled prima donna and I am ready to blow...so this morning I decided...I'm disengaging with her....good luck honey....maybe if she begins to appreciate all that I have sacrificed for her and grows the hell up, I will be back in her life....until then...go to work, make yur $$$ and pay for yur own sh*t....I'm done...at least I have a DH who is on the same page with me...he's done with her too and told her get ready to find a place to live and a car and live yur own life on yur 18th birthday....maybe she and "mommy" can go scam the government together...hang in there always, at least we have each other
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"