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Very Frustrated

alwayslast1978's picture

Wife and I are both teachers.  I used to love snow days before we were together.  Now that I live with her 2 kids I dread them.  She only has her kids half time so she indulges them but snow days are super indulgent.  She works all day for them and they barely pick up after themselves.  Yesterday was a snow day.  It was our evening but his day.  We usually get stuck with them since he is in the private sector.  He didnt go in and still didnt take them until 430.  Another snow day today and they are here again at 9am until 430. He could make it to work today (roads are legit better).  We switched to this new schedule where we alt weekends and we always have Mon Tues and he always has Wed Thurs.  They have been here since Friday night and I am not supposed to see them until Monday.  Now I only get 3 days off from them.  SS 9 is so needy for mommy and sits on the couch all day long.  Got in a big fight with wife because he was tapping his feet on the floor and I was in the spare room below and ir was super loud.   I asked him nicely to stop and he started it again 2 minutes later.  I got frustrated and told him he needed to stop.  My wife got mad at because I got angry and she felt he did it absent mindedly.  I said it didnt matter, he still did it 2 minutes after I told him to stop.  That was it, we were frustrated the rest of the day. Feel trapped and very unhappy.  Would rather be at work where kids are better behaved.


ESMOD's picture

To be fair.. those kids you think are better behaved.. probably are mostlly like your Skids at home.

I remember Snow days.. and our mom making them fun.. but when we were older (13 and 11.. for me and my brother).. we did start going around the neighborhood for snow days to earn money.. your skids.. at least the younger is too young to really be doing that.. and honestly.. even the girl .. these days I am not sure the GenX parented style would work or be considered safe.. haha.

I guess you don't have kids yourself.. and while the kids in your class are there in a more structured environment with consequences if they misbehave.. the kids at home don't have the same results..

Maybe you and your wife should go into counseling.. I see from your posts.. it may be a mix of you wanting things too orderly in a child household.. but your wife is too lenient.. which isn't a good mix.  

Dogmom1321's picture

Fellow teacher here! Taught for 13 years, worked with over 260 students. You can absolutely tell in the classroom who has expectations and home and who doesn't. Class jobs, desk organization, interactions with teachers, and peer relationships are always a dead giveaway. Being a teacher and seeing developlemtal norms every single day, just makes it all that more obvious IMO if something is "off". In my experience, 9 y/o boy 3rd/4th grade would show some more independence. If he has ADHD, the foot tapping could just be seeking stimulation though. Not necessarily getting on your nerves on purpose. 

I would say 80% of kids with two homes are mostly amicable. The other 20% are like the high conflict situations you hear about on here. Of course any child can have behavior issues though. 

Do you teach MS or HS? 

And yes, I do have my own personal child too :) 

alwayslast1978's picture

I teach middle. Some kids are a bit tough but I have been doing it 15 years.  I would say they are part of the 80%.  They arent bad, they just never leave the house without mom!  SS 9 played outside for 15 whole minutes and called to his mom twice.  Most in the year and a half we lived here.  He hogs the living room all day but not worth to fight to change it.  I did just win the battle against his 60 minute bedtime at 9.  Got it dowm to 30 ish.  They argue with their mom and she to ask 3 times but never with me.

Lillywy00's picture

I know EXACTLY how you feel. 

My now ex partner would over indulge his kids (see 'man sl@ve') every weekend which really irked tf out of me and by the time I said something I was so annoyed that my feedback was very blunt. So at least for you this issue is just extended breaks and not all the time. 

And regarding kids behavior in school - I find it ironic they can conform to structure and rules in school but struggle at home because they're being raised by Disneyland parents. 

I expected kids in my home to respect me like they respected other authority figures and if they didn't either they can leave (and go back to Feral Headquarters) or I will leave my partner to the single parent struggle if he allows his kids to keep trying to turn my house into Feral Central  

I was so triggered every weekend and holiday that he had a little remaining sense enough not to let his ferals get snowed in at "our" house. I watched that forecast like a hawk. If I sensed the power would go out in ridiculous temps I got a SINGLE bed hotel ... so he'd be forced to leave his kids with their breeder who is used to their chaotic behavior. 

Breeders raising ferals should be snowed in (by themselves) with said ferals that they raised to be ferals. 

alwayslast1978's picture

All day yesterday, I will the snow day was today.  Would have been great if they were already with him because they woukd have stayed.  Today has been better, gym is open so going to avoid them for a few hours 

Rags's picture

If he cannot be polite, he is banned from the room above.  Keep it stupid simple.

Why he was tapping the floor is irrelevant. That he was tapping is entirely relevant.

It is interesting that the breeder parent in blended familes seem to focus on they why of kid behaviors while the Sparent does not give a shit about the why, all we really care about is the what.

"Don't do that" is simple.  Cogitating the endless variables of why a kid does something is IMHO a complete waste of time and is a frequent breeder parent excuse technique.  Sparents often don't care about the why. The what can be at the core of Sparent frustration. That and the failure of the bioparent to actually deal effectiely with the what.

I hope that all is well for you.  

alwayslast1978's picture

I honestly doubt it was intentional but if you ask nicely and it doesnt stop, you have to be firm.  Thats my wifes problem.  She asks nicely over and over and isnt taken seriosly   My issue is more with her reaction than his behaviour.  Put us at odds all day for nothing.  She talks to him in that tone 20 times a day but I cant do it once a month.

Rags's picture

Equity life partners have to also be equity parents to any spawn in their home/marriage regardless of kid biology. Your DW does not accept you as an equity parent. You have to give her zero choice on that.  She needs the  message that she deals with her spawn effectively and immediately our you will. She does not get the choice of the kid not being dealt with immediately or effectively. She gets the choice of having your back or stepping up and dealing with it before you have to.

I get that the kid did not do it on purpose. If he was purposely and defiantly pullin that crap, the conversation would be very different.  And would include loud voices and a very upset child with a stinging butt.

IMHO of course.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I dated a teacher once, and he didn't have any kids, either. I sometimes helped him with class trips and i realized why the kids behave. The "Teacher Voice!" And damnit, it worked! I can see how a teacher who has to use good classroom management skills would want to pull their hair out when there's "Mommy" undermining his efforts to have a kid behave. You literally have to in class or all the kids would run all over you. Maybe counseling will help with expectations. One thing i realized was that kids raised by overly indulgent single moms usually turn out bad. I broke up with the teacher but i did take some lessons with me. 

alwayslast1978's picture

She is a teacher too with good class management.  Teachers often have the worst kids, even if they are strict.  We agree on classroom behaviour, we agree on her daughter but she never wants to discipline her son.  I feel like she is always focused on him. He is 9 and acts 5 some times.  Without me, it would be all of the time.  He would sleep with her every night if I allowed it.

Harry's picture

Your wife doesn't even see half the thing you see.  It's sucks when SK are interfering with a good day for adult fun.  You are jealous,,  now I am a big believer in being jealous when you can be jealous.   Just plan a nice adult weekend away DW.  Go to a nice romantic place 

CLove's picture

needs to stop guilty parenting, and step up. This will get worse not better...