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Time to move on?

alwayslast1978's picture

My wife's 9 year old likes to come into our bed.  He is a complete chatterbox and never stops talking.  I find that challenging at the best of times but hate it at 645 in the am. After 5 minutes of this, I asked him to please stop talking because I was in the process of waking up.  When he left, my wife was upset because of my "tone?"  I feel like I cant say anything to this kid!  She thinks I am damaging him!  I doubt he will be in counseling in 10 years because I asked him to please stop talking.  When she told me, I became very upset.  I feel like I always have to make allowances for her kids when they come over but I am drawing a line in my own bed.  I love my wife but it is not working with kids. We had a massive fight and now both our days are ruined.  Something similar happened last week but this is way worse  I am thinking this may be it for us and it breaks my heart.  


ESMOD's picture

When you have a mixed household, I feel really strongly that the adult's bedroom should be off limits.. except perhaps for an emergency situation (not just oooh had a bad dream.. like they caught their room on fire or timmy broke his arm)

It's not comfortable to have children that are not related to you in your bed.. even if you generally LIKE those kids.. it isn't the right place for them.. even if they are same gender as the step parent.. the adults should have the ultimate privacy to decline to have non-related people in their inner sanctum.

I would approach it this way.  Tell your wife you are sorry if your tone upset you and you bear some of the blame because you should have set this boundary a long time ago.  You don't want any kids in your bedroom period.. if they want to knock and mom wants to get up and go hang out in their room.. that's her choice.. but it's not working in the current set up.  Her kids are old enough to understand a rule.. and she can remind them of infractions.. you can tell her that you expect this boundary.. even when you aren't home.. that your bed.. your room is not a place for kids.

alwayslast1978's picture

I have set lots of boundaries.  He used to come into our room  at all hours of the night, even when 8.  He knows not to come in before 630.  I compromised that he could come in after 630 but that doesnt mean he can talk non stop.  His bedtimes were taking an hour up until 2 weeks ago and I finally had enough and said this needs to change because ge takes up her whole evening and I never see her.  I am not mad at the kid, I asked him to stop talking and he did.  My wife is making this an issue.

ESMOD's picture

I still think it would be better to just stop the kid in the bedroom thing.. even if you have to tell your wife.. that you are not a morning person.. so it just doesn't work for you.. even after 630.. easier to jsut say "none" than try to set qualifiers.

Lillywy00's picture

You shouldn't have to compromise on anything in YOUR bedroom where you pay bills (assuming you pay the mortgage there) 


Anyways - IMO kids who are not infants or toddlers do not need to be in bed with adults and need to be in their own bed.  And with SIDS happening too often even this age in adults beds is a hazard. 

My main gripe about older kids in adults beds is because kids sleep wild as hell, they piss in the bed, if they're in school then they're walking Petri dishes (can you say COVID  wafted in your face at night if they're in your bed), they never learn how to soothe themselves to sleep because they always need mommy/daddy there in the bed with them, and don't let one of y'all have a spontaneous desire for adult action or to sleep nude - it will instantly be denied with an old-enough-to-be-aware-aged kid right there in the bed. 

No, no, and no!!!

Dogmom1321's picture

I started the "no kids in the bedroom" rule when we moved to a new house. We finally had plenty of room and there was ZERO reason for SD to use our bathroom or just "hang out". She was 8 at the time and I felt that was PLENTY old enough. Of course, knocking on the door if there is an emergency (throwing up, illness, blood, etc) I would be understanding... but it should not be a regular thing. If they want to "hang out" they can watch TV together in the living room or read books in SKs room, etc. 

Aniki-Moderator's picture

I agree with "no kids in the bedroom". Your wife can leave the bed/bedroom and hang out with her son. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

I echo the "no kids in the adult bedroom" rule. The kids will be fine, i promise, without getting into Mommy or Daddy's bed. The marriage, however, might not be fine with kids in the bed.

One of the most reasonable things my ex-husband ever said was that, from the beginning, the kids didn't get in our bed. As newborns they slept in a bassinet in the room and by the time they were no longer needing to breastfeed in the middle of the night they were in their own rooms. It was never an issue.

Now, we split for other reasons and i admit i did the cosleeping thing for a while in the new house after the divorce. I also admit now that it was more about my own loneliness than theirs, since they had lived their whole previous young lives as kids who slept in their own rooms. Also, at that time i never considered adding an unrelated adult man to the bed (or woman if that had ever been my thing!)

My SO did the cosleeping thing and i tried it once when i stayed over. I didn't last an hour. It just felt wrong. He was of the mind that he didn't want his kids to feel that any part of the house wasn't "theirs." His son walked in on me naked, twice, and i said that if he ever wanted me taking my clothes off in there again it needed to be an adult space. Kids in the bedroom is no longer an issue. Not to say there are no issues, but like the song says "I got 99 problems but a (kid in the bedroom) ain't one!" 

alwayslast1978's picture

I am trying to pick my battles with this kid and my wife   I have had to deal with bum checking at 8, coming into our bed in the middle of every night, also at 8.  He calls for him mom every 2 minutes during a 15 minute bath.  Finally go the 60-90 minute bedtimes down to 30.  Honestly dont know how much fight I have left because she didnt see any of those things as an issue.

Lillywy00's picture

Some parents have that mindset "oh kids will be kids" and coddle them as long as possible. 

Not my style personally but seems like you're getting some traction with your wife about parenting in a way that makes sense for everyone 

Lillywy00's picture

When I first got with my partner, i discovered he allowed his 9 year old mini spouse to sleep in the bed with him. 

I was horrified and creeped tf out and told him such. 

Niped that in the bud as soon as we moved in together. 

Unless it's an infant in a basinett pushed up to his side of the bed so he can do middle of the night feedings....No one sleeps next to my man (well he's now my ex but you get the point) at night but me lol! 

if the habit isn't broken's HARD to evict them from your bed later on down the road. My bio kid tried coming in my bed every night and when I realized she was there I'd wake up, wake her up and march her right back to her own bed ... every single night... it was exhausting but I had to drill the point in with her that she has her own bed in which she will sleep. 

alwayslast1978's picture

My wife is the other extreme.  She never let her kids self soothe as babies and always let them come in her bed.  He never comes in during the night anymore, that has been stopped.  I dont care if he comes in for a bit in the am, I just want him to be respectful of me and not talk the whole time.  We talked and agreed that he can come in but needs to be quiet.  I really wish she had set boundaries years ago.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Well, your wife and SS did not hold up their end of the "deal", so time to change the deal. Some people are boundary pushers. Don't let them. 

Winterglow's picture

This is one of the extremely rare situations where I'd use sex as a trading chip - no more kids in our bedroom EVER or no more sex ... ever - her call. 

alwayslast1978's picture

Withholding sex doesnt work too well from the male end