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Alone's picture

I have taken care of SS for 10.5 years a lot all by myself as his father works out of town every month. The past couple years have been horrible. I tried to disengage as much as I could and things just got worse. So bad that I sat down with hubby, his parents, and the SS16 and told them all that I cannot live like this anymore, I need to leave or the kid does.

Grandparents are taking care of kid for the summer. I get him back when school starts. Other than this giving kid and me a break, I just don't think anything will be different when he returns home. How do I disengage when I am alone with SS16 2-3 weeks a month? Also how do I enjoy my break without thinking about all my anger and hurt and worry about the past and the new school year?

I'm afraid this may end my marriage and I have no idea where I will go or what I will do. I have been a full time step mother for this entire time and not worked outside of the home. I'm afraid that hubby will not want me around if I can't take care of his son anymore. If I do continue to take care of him under the same conditions, I am afraid I will end up in the hospital from a heart attack or nervous breakdown.

I don't think my husband understand the severity of my emotions in this and he thinks I am just being a complete bitch. He isn't the kind of man who likes to talk a lot, specially about emotions. It's really hard to get a straight answer from him. I suppose I should remember that he did agree for his son to go live with his parents for the summer and that in itself shows he was listening.


oncechoosetosmile's picture

sorry to hear all this.What is bothering you the most when SS is around?Is he disrespectful to you or what is the worst?Teenagers are always a challenge, I have a 16 year old daughter, but I must imagine it must be worse when they are not your own!(I should ask SO, but he is such a saint with my daughter somehow, I think I would struggle much more if I was him)I really hope that this doesn't destroy your marriage after all these years! It sounds as if you were taken for granted a lot so far and it is time to step up for yourself.With 16 your SS must be capable of being more independent- washing and cooking he should be able to do for himself.Is he a challenge in breaking rules , eg staying out for longer than he is supposed to?In this way your husband needs to sort it out as you have clearly come to a point of exhaustion and you need to look after yourself.YOu must talk to your husband that you can't give anymore , even though you did so in the past.If he thinks of you as a complete bitch as you say, you can only hope that he will understand the severity of what you feel when you tell him what you are willing to do and what not.I hope he will eventually understand, right now he sounds like a very ungrateful person to me....sadly many times in life we need to put ourselves first as nobody else will, not even out closest loved ones.Good luck.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

just risk your health and wellbeing by doing what you are doing, please dare to step up for yourself.

Alone's picture

A lot of the challenges with him are normal teenage stuff. The ones that I cannot handle, he lies, manipulates, gets angry at me when he is caught breaking rules, makes excuses for his actions, blames everyone else for the things he does or does not do, plays the poor me card to other family members, doesn't think he should have any rules. This is not something I taught him, he has always been this way and somehow I had hopes that he would grow out of it. Sadly over the years it just got worse. He has zero respect for me, walks around like his shit doesn't stink, gets angry at me if I tell him no, gives me dirty looks and argues with me a lot. His grandparents and BM family thinks he is the prince of heaven and can do no wrong. I think they are the ones that taught him to make excuses and lie.

When I tried to disengage I basically stopped asking him questions, didn't hold him responsible for his bad grades or his actions, let him know when his father came home or called that he would deal with it. Pretty much let him do what he wanted as long as he let me know where he would be and when he would be home. I made sure he had food he could eat without me having to cook for him.

The last straw was one day he left the house around 4pm saying that he was going to the store. He returned home around 11:30pm drunk off his ass screaming at me about how he hated me and that I never let him do anything he wants. I had the police out looking for him and had his grandparents here to help me look for him as him not returning home on time is out of the normal and I was afraid he was hurt. The next day he yelled at me for calling his bio family and the police. He refused to tell the truth about where he had been and lied saying he only took a couple sips of booze and couldn't remember anything. He had the grandparents convinced that maybe he had been drugged. I had him drug tested and the test came out neg. He played the poor me card again with the grandparents and of course his actions were excused. Somehow the poor boy is reaching out for attention from us and we are just not giving him what he needs. Screw that I blew up and said I'm not living like this anymore, the kid is full of shit and I do not want to take care of him anymore.

His BM refuses to take care of him, she left him when he was very little. She finally got clean and filled his head with the fantasy of him living with her when he turns 17. Well now what do ya know all the drugs caught up to her and she is just too sick to take care of him. She popped back in his life a couple years ago. Things just went from bad to worse with kid and me since she came back.

I can sit back and think oh it's much easier for him to hate me than her, poor kid has had it rough. You know what though, I just don't give a shit anymore. There comes a time when someone has to suck it up and stop blaming the world for the past and I am done taking abuse for this kids past that I had nothing to do with.

Gosh long post, I really have a lot of anger built up over the years. Not just with the kid, but with grandparents and BM family too. Maybe it's time to seek a therapist.