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Hate this time of year.....

Snowball's picture

I am completely disengaged from my partners family... My way of dealing with things is to live as if the SKids (adults) don't exist; I tried with them for so many years and then just couldn't take it anymore, so I cut them out of my life completely. I don't allow them in my home, ask my partner about them or let him tell me anything about them - I'm not interested!

This time of year is awful though as my partners mother keeps in contact with the skids and their BM! He asked me yesterday if his Mum could come and visit us after she has visited the BM and skids next weekend and TBH I just don't want it as his Mum will go on and on about her Gkids and the fact that SD is about to give birth and she even talks about the BM!! I understand why she talks about them and its not malicious... but I don't want it in my home! I never want the BM to be named or discussed in my house, let alone the Skids! TBH i think its really disrespectful to even mention the BM in the presence of the new/current partner especially when the skids are adults.

I also hate how much money my partner seems to spend on his kids, its like he thinks the more money he spends, the more it will ease his conscience about him not being with their Mum - the split was the BMs choice not my partners (which makes me feel insecure as I am sure he would still like to be with her (my issues again despite us being together for 10.5 years))

Why is it that its ok for past ex's to be brought into a current relationship when you have children with them, but its wrong to bring a past ex into a current relationship if you don't have kids! It elicits the same horrible feelings - I hate the mention of the BM (my issues I understand) but that **has to be ok; my partner would hate it if my mum came round and stated talking about one of my ex's! Its not fair that we have to put up with so much!

When my partner and I were dating and the kids would come out with us, I used to hate bumping into anyone that knew both my partner and the BM, they would always talk about the BM despite my standing there! My friends never discussed my past boyfriends when my partner was around!

I am just ranting as I have been up all night worrying myself about how to tell my partner that I don't want to see his Mum or have her in my house next weekend; I know it will cause a row which I don't need at the moment, but on the other hand, I don't want to put myself though the torture of enduring hours of talk about his ex and kids.

I know when we 'sign-up' with a partner with children, you have to expect certain things.. but truly, I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the emotions and feelings you have to face that come with a step family - you are not just dating the person, but his kids, the BM, the mother in law....the entire family!

Anyone else hate this time of year and how do you deal with the BM being in your life forever?

sandye21's picture

"Why is it that its ok for past ex's to be brought into a current relationship when you have children with them, but its wrong to bring a past ex into a current relationship if you don't have kids!" So ---- when your MIL brings up the ex or the skids, talk about YOUR ex and your family. It is hard to believe your MIL does not realize she is being rude. And it is hard to believe your SO hasn't mentioned it to her. There is a double standard game going on that should not be tolerated. Good luck.

Snowball's picture

haha! love the idea of suddenly talking about my ex's that should shut them up lol xx

Raggles's picture

Think i would say yes to MIL to coming round and then on the day say 'oh sorry i forgot i have got to go and do something... and then go out for the day and not return until MIL has left!

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

It is so annoying. I understand. Maybe make yourself scarce. Sit for a minute but then go off and do something else. No use putting yourself through the aggravation.

robin333's picture

Why not say something when MIL mentions BM? I would say something like "oh, DH and I don't discuss our Ex's out of respect for each other. He doesn't want to hear about xyz and I don't want to hear about abc".

Snowball's picture

Would love to do this... not sure I'm brave enough and certainly don't think OH would support me against his Mum Sad xx

AVR1962's picture

Holidays, family reunions, weddings, graduations, birth of a child, death of a family seem to be all occasions that bring out these less than fun times. I feel the same way as you, I too have disengaged. I cannot stand to hear about BM either especially after all she has done thru the years, I sure do get it. My husband did not go to is son's wedding back in Sept and his dad (my FIL) felt husband should be there and it was SS's choice to exclude me. Husband supported me which has not always been the case but it did feel good to have that support from someone. Had it been one of my daughters who excluded one the husband's family members it would have been all over the family and everyone would have chipped on on the hate campaign but when it comes to their blood all is accepted and we are in the wrong. Sick of the sick game, all you can do is disengage!

Snowball's picture

So happy there is someone else who feels the same xx Its just awful isn't it! I dread any holiday or event. Stupidly, when the skids were young, I wished for them to reach 18 so my OH and I could get on with our lives... but how naive could I be! Along comes new boyfriend, engagements, then weddings, then births, then christenings, then birthdays... its just never-ending! Did we really sign-up for this?? Thank goodness your husband supported you over your SS wedding.

When I try to get my OH to see it from my point of view, he just says that he would accept my children and family if roles were reversed.... this makes me feel so bad. I wonder if men deal with women having children from a previous relationship, better than women do?? It is abhorrent to me that his ex is continually in our lives and at every event!! For Gods sake, if my ex's were following me about, I am sure he would get ticked off! I just think he doesn't truly understand and actually doesn't want to!

I've decided to pay for my OH to stay a night in a hotel, so he can go and have dinner with his ex, his skids, his mum and all their partners and baby bump at the ex's golf club!!! Let them play happy family's, its what they all want, I am just a fly in the ointment - I say all this, but actually I feel really hurt... as children don't we all get told fairy tales of love and perfect marriages... reality is awful...

What we should be taught is: its likely you won't be the most important person in your OH's life, you will have to put up his kids being rude, you will always feel like an outsider, your life will be governed by his kids and ex, the ex will always be in your life, money will be short no matter how old the kids are as they suck you dry, rows between you and your OH will mostly be about his ex family, holidays will never be special, you will never be able to give him that special first child, the MIL will always prefer the BM etc etc...

Is love really enough to have to put up with all this?? Forgive me for being down... its just exhausting and I'm made to feel like I am an alien for feeling this way.. my OH thinks I should just accept everything!!xx

AVR1962's picture

Snowball, there are some things I feel make s difference for the step parent as far as the kids' acceptance. I think most of us step moms go in with open arms. In my case I was introduced to my ex's new girlfriend before I met my now husband's ex wife. I befriended my exes girlfriend, she was seriously very sweet, very naive. I let her know that she could discipline my children. I gave permission to my children to love and accept her and her little boy. I did not want to be a step family so my ex and I agreed that our children would know they had 2 moms and 2 dads and step or half siblings would be brothers and sisters. If the kids (they were small) would come to me and complain about their new step mom I would help them understand her but I never bashed her or corrected anything she did. They eventually divorced but my kids still have a good relationship with her, so do I and my grand kids know her as their Gma.

On the flip side, I tried to create the same with my now husband's ex, we have been married 23 years. Holly cow, BM's reaction was of possession of her sons. She lied to them, manipulated them. If I did something she didn't like or the boys didn't like she supported the boys telling them that I shouldn't have done this or that. She created a hatred and was very cunning....she was sweet and supportive to the boys but down right ugly to me. My husband did not wan to deal with her at all and didn't so if anything was said it was her and I. The boys hate me to this day and blame me for everything. I did not think they can see what their mother created. I became an easy target for all that was wrong. I finally puled myself out of that position and have nothing to do with them.

It was my counselor that helped my husband decide what to do as far as attending his son's wedding. The purposeful exclusion is unacceptable and that was what my husband pointed out to his son.

Moms and dads have different roles with children and so do the step parents. You see the different attitude your husband posses towards the situation, part of it is because he is the bio parent but part of it to is he is a man. We connect thru communication and emotions, men not as much.

TwoOfUs's picture

I have a holiday question to post but I can't get a new blog to post. Have tried a dozen times now. Is anyone else having this problem?

hereiam's picture

how do you deal with the BM being in your life forever?

I don't. BM has not been in our lives since CS ended when SD got married at eighteen. Yes, she pretends she is still part of DH's family on FB but that does not affect us.

DH's mother is not part of the equation, though, as she passed before we met, even before DH and BM met. DH swears he would have never been with BM if his mother had been alive, as she would have seen the evil and not allowed it!

DH's father has also passed but not before he met BM and he told DH, "She's a bitch and there is something wrong with her, she's crazy." He was so right but DH did not listen to him like he would have his mother. Too bad.

Luckily, my DH does not want to spend all of his hard earned money trying to prove to his ungrateful spawn how wonderful he really is, so.... He will buy his youngest (24) something, she talks to him but is still up BM's butt, and he will buy his grandsons something but he will not break the bank. But his oldest daughter (27), who denies him, refers to him by his name, has cussed him, has been a total bitch to him, she gets nothing.

He puts all of his energy into the people who love and appreciate him. That includes very few of his actual family members.