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O/T: Crazy stranger lady yells at my kid in the store

almost.ready's picture

Hello all,

This is more of a shortened version of what happened, but here it is.

I wanted to get your opinion on this as I have been fuming over it for the past few days. A few days ago my kids and I were at a store doing some shopping. Both my kids and myself had to use the restroom. There were two stalls and since it was less urgent for me, I told the kids to use them first. Once my son was finished, I used the stall he had used. While I was using the stall, my kids washed there hands. Apparently, thats not the only thing my son did while I was in the stall because all of a sudden I hear this woman scolding my child. At first, I thought she was talking to her own kid. Finally I realize she was yelling at my kid. "Why did you do this?!!! See what you did?!!! Now I can't use it!!! See what you did?!!!" I open my stall door and she looks up at me and starts yelling in my face. "See what he did?!! Look at what he did!!! YOU BETTER FIX IT". I look and I realize what he had done, he crawled under the door and locked it from the inside.

Now, to be clear my problem here was that she was not simply talking to him, asking why he had done it (because talking would have been ok). She was YELLING at a kid she didn't even know. Then turns to me and yells at me to control my kid. The fact that I had been using the stall made it so that my son was out of my sight for about a minute. Had I been out with him I obviously would have corrected it immediately and it probably would not have even happened. Had I had the chance to come out of my stall and see what he had done, I would have had him go back and unlock the door and he would have been reprimanded by ME, his MOTHER. To be clear once again, I don't tolerate misbehavior by my children and for the most part they know that. But that is not to say that they don't make mistakes, as every human does.

However, I was in complete shock that this woman had the nerve to yell at someone's child. I did tell her that if she had a problem with what my son had done, she should have spoken with me, not my son. She continued to yell and she walked out of the restroom. I was also walking out and when I did she yelled "your kid is a brat and needs a spanking!" Whoa! If I was shocked then, I was even more in shock this time. So being in shock, the only thing I could think of saying was "Um no, YOU need the spanking" (I know, maybe I could have said something else but I was only going as far as she would go- meaning I didn't want to take it to a level that she wasn't taking it to- but apparently she was taking it wherever she could). She then sticks her butt out as she's walking and says "ooooohhhh what are you gonna do? spank meeeee????" And then says, "What are you Latina? Go back to Mexico!" :jawdrop: Now, I have faced racism many times in my life. I've been called a spic, a beaner, a border hopper, and many other names in the past so this wasn't new to me. But everything rolled into one event was just crazy. And to be honest, I feel like she was trying to provoke me to do something to her. And to be even more honest, I debated actually doing it. I had to put distance between her and myself because my blood was boiling.

Could I have gotten crazy out there in public and let her have it? Yes. Could I have responded with curse words and other raunchy things to say? Probably. I know that I could have said many things, and done many things. But I continued to remind myself that I was in public place, people were watching and kids (not just my own) were near. She didn't care though, she laughed at how angry I was as I told her "You got a problem with someone's kid, you talk to the PARENT, NOT THE KID!" To that she responded, "what are you gonna do?!" --- Kind of like, what are you gonna do if I yell at your kid?!!! Are you kidding me?? Any parent, mother, father, whatever- would do anything for their kids. Please don't ask a mother what she would do for her kids.

Once again, I don't tolerate misbehavior from my kids. To those of you who are going to say "you parent's who believe your kids are angels and do no wrong"-- ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! My kids do many things wrong. I correct their behavior. I correct them, I yell at them, and I do the spanking when it is necessary. Let me ask you this, if a stranger scolds, reprimands or yells at your child, what would you do? Would you say to your child, "see you deserve to be yelled at because obviously stranger lady didn't like what you did." Would you make it so that your kid expects to be yelled at not only by mom and dad, but also by complete strangers? The fact that she had jumped to the conclusion that I don't control my kids and taken the matter into her own hands was crazy to me.

Yes, as the stranger recognized, I am "Latina". Not sure if it is a cultural thing but the way I was raised is the same way I try to raise my kids-- and trust we were always taught to show respect, to everyone, but most of all to NEVER feel like we were EQUAL to adults. I could be one of those mother's who tell my children to not take anyones shit, and to defend themselves even to adult strangers. But as it turns out, I teach my kids to have respect for their elders- ALWAYS. Anyone who is in our family has the right to reprimand my kids. Because we are family and they also have my kids best interest in mind. We obviously want to raise productive upstanding individuals who understand right from wrong. And that is what I have been trying to do as a mother. I don't need help from a stranger. And I definitely don't need a stranger telling me to control my kid. Hell, sometimes when my kids get out of line in public I have to hold back how I "control them" simply because of the people out there who have CPS on speed dial and will call if a parent handles their child!

And to those of you who will say "well if you had been parenting they wouldn't have done that". No, you see I DO parent. Like you, my kids are human. And hell, they are kids! I don't need a stranger telling me to control my kid when I already know what I do as a mother to "control" them.

What do you all think? What would you do? To those mothers (and fathers) who "control" their kids, and make sure you correct their behavior, what would you do? You already know what kind of job you are doing with your kids. Do you need someone to tell you what to do? Better yet, yell while telling you what to do? What would you do if someone is provoking you, asking "what are you gonna do if I mess with your kid? what are you gonna do about it?"

Comments

almost.ready's picture

She was probably a little over 40. He absolutely was misbehaving, in that instance. Actually, the whole day had gone by really well. That was actually the one thing he shouldn't have done that day because all day he behaved well. I know he knew better, must have thought "hey, mom can't see what I am doing, I think i'll do it".

My kids would never in their right mind tell any adult the words you heard out of that boy. I honestly though, would not have held back if she had touched my kid. The way she approached the situation was just wrong, considering that it could have been handled simply by saying "You locked the door so I can't get in, now please unlock the door" or told me once I got out. God knows and my kids know that once my kids have done something that has affected someone else I handle it. And the look I give my kids when they know they are done!

And that is actually the thing, my daughter who is now 8 used to misbehave A LOT. She used to spend a lot of time with my mom and boy was she spoiled- my mom would call me and yell at me for reprimanding my daughter! Finally, although still not perfect, my daughter is extremely well behaved in public. I don't even have to tell her not to ask for anything at the store, she already knows. And I as her mother have molded that behavior and set the standard for her actions. My son, I am working on him. I have no doubt that by the time he is 8, he will be just as behaved as my daughter is- because I am ALWAYS on their ass.

Well, that event shook him up. Actually, as her and I were arguing he was trying to tell me it was ok and that he would fix it. I'll be the first to admit, I wasn't doing anything at that point to "fix" anything with her. I believe in one thing more than anything, respect. I give respect to everyone. Teach my kids the same. I hadn't seen any kind of respect towards me, so I was livid.

But anyway, my son was obviously not rewarded that night with anything. Given that we had intended to buy things/snacks for movie night and other things. He was reprimanded by both my husband and myself for what he had done. But the whole thing pretty much shook him up, I'm sure he won't be doing it again for fear of his mother fighting with a stranger. Sadly, that's not how I wanted the lesson to be taught, but as you said- it is what it is.

notsurehowtodeal's picture

I'm guessing that since your son was with you in the ladies room he must be pretty young. He probably knew what he did was wrong. To be honest - I think it is kinda funny. If it was me, I would have asked him to slide back under and unlock the door. If he refused, I would have waited for you to come out and asked you to get him to unlock the door. Since you were right there - no need for me to discipline your kid. You will either do it or not - nothing I can do about it.

It was not your fault it happened in the first place. It was just one of those things. I'm sure that you disciplined your son in an age appropriate manner.

I think the way you handled her was great. I do not understand why people so often have to bring everything to race. You did good by not engaging her anymore at that point. I agree, it sounds like she was trying to get you to do something wrong.

If I were you, I'd be upset about the whole incident. However, if sounds to me like you are a good Mom raising your kids in a responsible manner.

This woman really had nothing to complain about. While in a bar in my much younger days, I once had to slide on the floor and under the stall door to get in. I was desperate. It was not much fun in a micro mini and high heels. Now that I am older and wiser, if it happened again I would just use the men's room instead!

No saint's picture

If I saw a kid doing that, I would address the kid directly and not wait for his mom. Sometimes kids go to the ladies room alone and I would urge the kid to go back and undo the did. I wouldn't be nice, for sure, but neither would I yell at the kid or insult him. That might happen (the yelling) if he refused to comply.
As for the racist rant, that's despicable.

furkidsforme's picture

I would have at least spoken to your kid. Sure, she shouldn't have yelled- if she actually did yell. But you behaved in some ways you should not have as well. It actually sounds to me more like she chastised him, or spoke sternly to him.

I'm sorry, but if your kid does something rude that effects another person in public, that other person DOES have a right to say something to them about it.

Cut it out with the "don't talk to my kid, speak to ME" stuff. From the woman's point of view, why should she have assumed you would do anything about it? You are the one who "let" it happen. I know you had to use the restroom, too....but could you really not tell your kid was crawling under the other stall and locking the door? You should have been able to see that. If not, I'm sure there was scuffling and giggling going on.

I can see the strangers point of view that the kid needed to be told it was wrong. If you had just agreed it was, made him unlock it and say he was sorry (rather than getting all crazy Momma Bear defensive) then I bet it would have gone down very differently.

bellladonna's picture

To everyone who thinks it's ok to yell at someone's child remember the lady who got her teeth knocked out for doing that.
http://crimefeed.com/2014/11/woman-allegedly-attacked-telling-mother-ple...

I don't think it's ever ok to chastise another woman's child unless they are doing something that directly endangers you. Yes your child was wrong but that lady had no right to yell at your kid. I personally DO NOT PLAY when it comes to my DD4. If a stranger took it upon themselves to yell at my child I would probably lose it. I don't even yell at her so there's no way I would let a stranger yell at her.

zerostepdrama's picture

If it had been me, I would have just asked the kid to unlock the stall. I dont think its that big of a deal. Its nothing that would have gotten my panties in a bunch. Kids do stupid shit all the time. Good kids, bad kids, whatever.

I wouldnt of felt the need to yell at a kid over a locked bathroom stall door.

If the kid didnt unlock the door, I would have waited for the parent to get out and explained, hey your kid locked the other stall door, can you fix the problem?

zerostepdrama's picture

True it would really suck if she had to really use the bathroom and she couldn't... but I still would have ASKED the kid. Not sure how YELLING at the kid made the situation any better.

When things are stressful or dont go as planned my first reaction isnt to start yelling at strangers. I try the nice approach first.

zerostepdrama's picture

If I am pissed off enough to yell its usually not a good thing. LOL. Then it has me fired up for the whole day and I am just pissed off. That is why I try not to get like that.

zerostepdrama's picture

Right. I just would have said "Hey dude unlock the door. I gotta go." That's me. I dont really care how anyone else would handle the situation, to each their own.

hatemyhusband's picture

I can't even count the number of times my SD acted like a horrific little bitch in public, to both children and adults. She was corrected by aduls maybe two or three times. In all the years.

I think that's why some people feel so free and comfortable letting their little precious misbehave in public, they know for the most part, they are free to do so without consequence.

The rare person that does speak up is quite a surprise to this type of parent, hence they must defend their little precious at all costs. Hence the escalating public argument between the adults.

zerostepdrama's picture

I think the only time a stranger should step in to correct another person's kid is if that parent is outright ignoring the bad behavior of the kid. Then its really on the parent and not on the kid. The parent should be addressed and not the kid.

In this case, the OP didnt know what was going on. The stranger just started yelling at the kid. OP didnt even have a chance to correct the issue.

queenofthedamned's picture

I am not a fly off the handle person. Yelling at another person's child? Nope. This woman was in a public restroom. Even if she was on the verge of peeing her pants, those stalls could have been legitimately occupied. It's the chance you take with a public restroom - sometimes you have to wait. I would have just said to the kid "hey buddy I've gotta go REALLY BAD. Can you unlock the door?"
I feel bad for people who get so worked up over nothing. Must be a pretty miserable way to live. And the racist bullshit was completely out of line.

zerostepdrama's picture

This!

zerostepdrama's picture

If I was in the bathroom stall and not knowing what is going on and hear yelling and then step right out of the stall into somone yelling in my face, my reaction to THAT would not be nice. Like give me a freakin second to correct the situation before you start yelling in my face. I just freakin pulled up and zipped my pants. Let me figure out what was going on so that I can handle the situation.

ALL KIDS do stupid shit. At least give the parent a freakin second to correct the issue before getting up in someone's face.

Its not like the kid trashed the bathroom and smeared poop on the walls and pulled out all the papertowels or something. The bathroom stall was locked.

queenofthedamned's picture

The lady was yelling at the kid before OP was even aware of what happened. Meh. Seems like a stupid thing to lose one's shit over (pun intended lol). I'm guessing the stranger hasn't spent a lot of time around kids. Jumping straight to yelling at a mischievous kid who is not yours will generally not accomplish much. Quite frankly this woman sounds like she has a stick up her ass.

twoviewpoints's picture

I'm still wondering what the kid said to the strange lady.

"My kids would never in their right mind tell any adult the words you heard out of that boy"....just what words did this kid say? So far we've heard what the two adults said, we haven't heard any clarification on what words the boy said that he wouldn't have 'had he been in his right mind'. What the heck does that mean anyway :?

twoviewpoints's picture

Oh, ok. I misunderstood and thought your son had said something to the stranger lady. My bad.

zerostepdrama's picture

I agree with everything you said in how to handle it. I dont agree with yelling at the kid though. That is the problem I have with this. The lady could have said something to the kid. Had she said something as opposed to yelling, the situation may have turned out differently.

My kid has never had to be addressed in public by a stranger because I keep my kid on a tight leash (not literally).

But for me, if the lady had spoken in a non yelling tone, I heard what was going on, I would have came out of the stall and apologized to the lady and addressed the issue with my son. "Oh hey sorry about that. Timmy go unlock the door." (then addressed the issue with Timmy)

But the yelling at the kid and yelling at the adult. The yeller is the one who escalated the sitaution.

queenofthedamned's picture

Agree.

almost.ready's picture

So you are ok with a stranger yelling at your kid? For something you had not even had the chance to address yet? And apologize to the lady? Her first reaction was to YELL at someones kid. And apologize? I wouldn't let anyone approach me in that way and be ok with it so why would I be ok when someone approaches my kid in that manner?

momandmore's picture

I totally get teaching kids to respect their elders. That's great!! Lots of kids learn by example from the adults though :?

Willow2010's picture

Meh...kids will be kids and people will be assholes. Your kid was a kid and the lady was an asshole. Learning experience for him though. lol.

zerostepdrama's picture

Im just curious as to why everyone is okay with this lady YELLING. Why is this more effective then just saying "hey kid unlock the door."?

zerostepdrama's picture

Agree...

When I am using my stern voice, my BS is like "Why are you yelling at me?" He's sensitive. I'm like you will know when I am yelling at you!

It's hard to say if it was yelling or if the OP viewed it as yelling.

queenofthedamned's picture

But why is OP getting shit for escalating when the other lady could have asked the kid to unlock the door? I just don't get why it was ok for her to act a fool - and we all know there are assholes who would - over a situation with a simple remedy. Call the kid out? Sure. Yell, get in mom's face, and make racial slurs? Not cool.

almost.ready's picture

You said it yourself. These were MY kids, not that woman's. So she reprimanded my kid for me. Because she felt she should make it her job to do so and in that manner. Is she also going to provide for my kid? Feed them and clothe them? Nope. That's my job. Just like yelling would be my job.

zerostepdrama's picture

AMEN!

Willow2010's picture

THIS ZERO!!!!! ^^^

But I see that the "perfect parent parade" is out in force on this post. lol

Willow2010's picture

the intolerance for children sometimes amazes me...
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
It is mostly intolerance for OTHER peoples children. Sad but true.

Edit to add...that is a great post monkey.

classyNJ's picture

I wouldn't have yelled at the kid. I would have told him to go back under and unlock it and let the parent discipline him. It happens.

But to say things like this: Poor baby got called out and mom rushes in to defend her pwecious. Pwecious???? Oh Im sorry I just read that you are going through menopause and you basically complain about everything. Makes me scared to go through menopause if I have your attitude and feel its ok to belittle someone who is venting. ~~~Your beautiful~~~

zerostepdrama's picture

Really just being curious... does a kid locking the bathroom door really get you that upset? How do you deal with people day to day. I see lots of assholes (adults and kids) and I usually just shake my head, think WTF and keep it moving. How are you not irritated 24/7? Or are you just lucky and not around these type of assholes very often?

I live in a big city and deal with all sorts of people, so I just brush a lot of shit off and keep it moving.

zerostepdrama's picture

Almost every time I step out in public I have to deal with some sort of asshole or see some stupid shit going on. That's why I'm like Fuck it and keep it moving. Due to the skids and some other family drama, that is enough shit to get my panties in a bunch, so I try not to stress over other little things. (IMO)

I'm just trying to go about my business and get through life without getting shot in the big city. LOL

zerostepdrama's picture

I will say though if I am drunk at the bar and have to REALLY pee and there is someone just chit chatting on the phone in the bathroom, I will knock on the door and tell them to hurry up.

almost.ready's picture

My son is just turned 5. And no, I wasn't going to have him go into the men's bathroom by himself. And yes, just turned 5. I know i'll hear the "whoa at 5 my kids were great and knew everything!" I think we have established that he did something wrong. That I'll own. But why do people feel like it was ok for a grown adult stranger to YELL (yeah, not a "stern" voice, she was yelling) at a kid she didn't know? Fly off the handle because of a locked door? Oh, she had to use the restroom, who would have thought? Yes she did have to go to the restroom, obviously. Was she also going to yell if there had been someone in there using the restroom? Do you think my son said to himself, "I know someone is going to walk in here so I think I'll just piss them off". Nope. Do you think that if I had seen what he had done that I would have allowed it? Not a chance!

And to those who think that I'm like "oh my precious kids blah blah blah", NOPE! It's not like he smeared shit all over the place. It was as simple as saying "hey you locked the door, now unlock the door".

I see kids doing shit all the time. But as many of you SM's on here have said "not my kid, not my problem". I don't take it upon myself to get involved with other peoples kids. The exception would be only if that kid was about to do something that could hurt himself or others. But to yell? Nope. I wouldn't get worked up over someone else's problem.

almost.ready's picture

I didn't take my son into the stall because it was too small for the both of us. The stall door on the other bathroom was faced in a different direction. So like an L shape is how the stalls looked. That made it so that I did not see him crawl under the stall. And, they were quiet. I didn't hear anything out of the ordinary.

As for my "perfectly behaved dream child" (Aka the 8 year old), she was washing her hands. The sink was on the side of my stall. She more than likely knew he'd get in trouble anyway if she did see it.

No he did not go back and unlock the door at that point. The situation had already escalated between myself and the woman. And obviously that wasn't her main concern since she ended up using my stall and continued to yell while taking a piss.

almost.ready's picture

I was referring to other posts where people had mentioned my 8 year old, actually. And snarky huh?

And wait, do you have kids of your own? Are you saying that you are perfectly fine with someone yelling at your kids? You wouldn't say a word? You would apologize for your kids actions and you wouldn't be the slightest bit mad about someone getting in your face?

almost.ready's picture

Yeah, I still don't see where it is acceptable to yell. If we are talking about adults here is that any way to handle a situation? Obviously yelling in the first place is what escalates the situation.

almost.ready's picture

In all of this, you see ME trying to provoke HER? Ha! I'm a little too old to try and provoke someone. I don't play games with people. If I have a problem with someone I simply ignore them and what they do. That of course is if I have the problem. But when someone gets in my face about anything, that is what provoking is. You can't expect someone to not get mad if you're in there face. That's unrealistic.

almost.ready's picture

I see the point. I see that my son had done something wrong. Yeah, I got it. Would I have allowed it? As I said before and I'll say again, no. Was she supposed to wait for me to finish so she could tell me something? Hmmm, I guess that's the question. Of all of her options, she chose to yell and scold my kid. Now the way I see it, I am always getting on my kids for their wrong doings. Does that mean that they absolutely learn every lesson and never do it again? No.

I don't expect to change anyone. But people sure do expect change out of others. She certainly expected me to do as she said. I'm certain she may have thought that she was going to "teach me a lesson". I don't see what SHE was going to gain by yelling at someone. Are you telling me that if someone want's you to do something for them and they yell at you to do it, as an adult, you would tolerate that? I'm a grown woman, I don't need to be taught anything.

I expect plenty out of my kids. My kids probably spend a lot of time being mad at me for things that I have corrected them on or punished them for. I don't care if they dislike it or whatever.

almost.ready's picture

So what should I have said? Who is anyone to say what a child needs? Especially a kid that's not yours. I know have seen plenty of kids who needed their ass whipped. Should I go to their parent's and say "your kid is a brat and needs a spanking?" Are you kidding? Do you know the kind of look I'd get? I'd probably get my own ass kicked if I said that.

What should I have said? In that very moment do you think I was thinking about what I could say next? No. She has obviously done this before as she seemed very prepared. And as I said before, I didn't want to take it where she wasn't taking it. Plus I was still in shock over the way she had reacted to the whole thing.

AllySkoo's picture

Yep, the racial slurs tell me exactly what kind of "lady" this woman is. And I agree with a previous poster that it probably fed into her reaction to your son. She saw a "latino" kid doing something wrong and immediately jumped to conclusions based on his appearance. If it'd been a blonde haired, blue-eyed cherub she wouldn't have used the same approach, and I bet she *would* have just given him a firm "open the door" and then let it go.

As for the rest of it, yeah, your kid was wrong. You already knew that. But just because the KID was wrong does not excuse that racist bitch. She was wrong too, and I REFUSE to accept that she had some sort of god-given right to behave however the hell she wanted just because she was addressing someone weaker than herself. That is BULLSHIT. The lady was wrong, a racist and a bully. Doesn't excuse the kid, but I can't believe some people are trying to "whitewash" (pun intended) that idiot's behavior.

moeilijk's picture

Wow, this one is getting a lot of heat!

I see both sides... but really, prevention is the best cure.

If your child isn't old enough to be left unsupervised, bring him/her into your stall with you. Now you know your 5 yo isn't old enough to be left unsupervised.

When we make mistakes, we apologize and try to make it right. The OP didn't do that.

Ofc that lady was bonkers to be yelling at some random kid, but she had no idea there was adult around and she needed to pee.

In an idea world, this wouldn't have happened. Given it did, better would have been the OP to immediately tell the kid to get that door unlocked now. Then get the kid to wash hands again, explain no treats due to him not standing and waiting quietly so now he's caused this lady inconvenience. And when the lady emerges with an empty bladder, both the OP and the kid apologize, and once the kids leave, the OP to tell the lady that she was shocked at how the lady spoke to her small child, that she found it threatening herself and she hopes that things go better for that lady since terrifying a small child shouldn't be the highlight of anyone's day. But the OP was still wrong.

almost.ready's picture

Ok, to be clear to EVERYONE here who said that I am the type of mother to expect the world to move aside for my kids. That is quite an assumption. My mother has always taught me that I am really nothing special to this world. As a result, I don't feel like I am some kind of gift to others. Nor do I feel like my kids are a gift to others. I teach my kids to always be mindful of others and to always show respect. You notice that in my posts, I am civil. I respect your opinions. You have a right to feel as you please. Just as I have a right to feel as I please. But please, don't assume the kind of person that I am. Don't assume that no one can say anything to my "pwecious pwecious" kids. That is far from the truth.

I guess I don't take too kindly to people getting in my face over something so small. Could have been handled differently. And in all of this, many of you have sided with the woman who chose to yell at a child. Not one of you has said that she could have handled it differently.

almost.ready's picture

Ok, I take it back. Some did say it.

But I am glad it sparked conversation. I remember a few years ago at my local wal-mart a man grabbed a child and began to spank the kid for crying. The mother called police obviously. The kid fit in the seat of the cart so she couldn't have been that old. But anyway, I remember wondering what I would do if something like that happened to me.

In all, this has been quite an experience. I didn't think it would get this many comments.

almost.ready's picture

stacey, I tried to reply to you but I am getting some kind of weird pop up when I do.

But yes very different. I actually don't know what would have happened if I wasn't in there. It could have been that she thought he locked both stalls considering that she looked pretty shocked when I opened my door.

kathc's picture

If I walked in to use the ladies room and saw someone's kid crawling out from locking the door so it's not accessable, I'd be pissed off too. No, she had no business going off on you and saying those things but I can understand where she was coming from in being pissed off about it.