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Spanking skids???? Do or don't

Maneater's picture

A couple days ago I ask about how to deal with my DH wanting me to be tougher on SS. DH spanks him when he truly deserves it. & it's a slight spank enough to just scare him. Alot of you said never to spank kids, others said never spank skids, others said to go for it only if BM agrees, others said I have a right as a SM to spank my SS.

Well the other day DH had a talk with BM about SS. BM called to say that she wanted us to start potty training because she began to do it at her home, so DH took the opportunity to tell her to make sure she is not spoiling him & not putting up with the temper tantrums because at our house they are getting out of control. So she agreed & conversation ended.

1 hour later this is what she texted:

I just want to make sure we are on the same page here, I don't want your wife touching my son. I don't mind you or anybody in your family spanking him if he needs it, but I don't want another women spanking my son. She can pop him on the hand or something like that, but that's it. And don't worry, no other man will ever lay a hand on our son.

DH replied:

Well if you were married I wouldn't forbid your husband from spanking our son if he needed to. Because if he will be the father at your house then he will also need some respect from our son. & consistency is in our sons best interest, especially by the people raising him. So unless you have a legitimate reason why don't want his SM spanking then she will be doing it, she has my permission.

BM replied:

I'm not going back in forth with you, let me put it to you this way, let me find out your wife hits my son!!!!!

DH replied:

Your threats don't scare us. Don't forget you don't run my house hold I do!!!! I don't tell you how to run yours, & I sure as hell won't be taking orders from you.....

So alittle background on us, I've been in SS life since before he was born, he is 1 year 2 months old now. IMO he is a bad little boy, compared to other kids his age. So he is being introduce to some tough love at an early age due to his outrageous behavior that DH don't want to get out of hand.

For example: SS was pressing buttons on the flat screen in the living room, DH yells out a firm "NO". SS stop
for about 5 sec. & does it again, so DH walks over & removes him from the tv & says no again & takes him to where all his toys are in a basket by the sofa. SS gets up walk over to the coffe table screams & knocks over DH soda!!!! DH walks over yells "NO" gives him 1 hand at the diaper & sits him in his play pin for about 10 min or until he stops crying.
SS has also developed throwing things when he is angry, slapping food out of your hand in the middle of feedingd if he gets angry, & throwing terrible temper tantrums.
Spanking has started to improve some of his behaviors. Now DH just has to stand up from his seat or walk over to SS & he immediatly stops & walks away cause he now understands that if he doesn't he will either get his hand smacked or a hand to the diaper.

Anyway my question is, under these circumstances would any of you SM join forces with DH & spank if needed or just stand back & watch. I've tried putting my self in BM shoes to understand why she doesn't want me spanking her son. I'm also considering long term affects. Like when DH & I finally have out own kids, how will this affect all the kids in general, will the my kids think its unfair that I dpank them & not their stepbrother, or will my SS see me as a push over & think he can get away with anything with me, will it back fire on me in the future? Will he see me as anything else other then his 2nd mom because that is exactly what I am. I do everything a bio mother does for him, he even started mumbling the word "mama" to me & makes DH very happy. DH wants SS to call me mom. Also can BM stop me legally from spanking SS if she really wated to? Have any of you had this go to court?

I personally think BM is threatened by me & doesn't want me to have any priviladges a bio mother would have. BM sees me the same way we look at the nannies at daycare. When on pick ups she tells me what to feed & not to feed, when to give him a bath, to call her if I have any questions, & on drop offs she bombards me with a million question, how many bottles did he have a day, how many bowl movements, did he wake up at night, did I give him a bath everynight, blah blah blah.... Honestly I believe I'm a better parent to SS, this is her first child & even though I have no kids I was a full time nanny to 4 kids of a wealthy family for over 3 years.

Orange County Ca's picture

The potential for being accused of abuse is too high. Don't discuss/argue it with anyone else just don't do it. The gain is too little.

Also recent studies have clearly shown that spanked kids are more like to use violence as a solution - especially boys so there is another reason.

Bio-Mom has made a reasonable request and is reciprocating so let them argue if they must. You simply stay out of it.

By the way I was spanked once - repeat once - in my life time which is proof in and of itself that spanking isn't necessary. I spanked a step-son almost daily because he was out of control. The problem was he was literally out of control as we found out eventually. He could not control his impulses as a part of being hyper active.

Hindsightis2020's picture

I agree that the potential for being accused of child abuse is too high.

And for the record, I have no problem with spanking children. I am mostly replying because, as a stepparent, you are way too vulnerable. Don't do it, for your own protection. The ease with which BM could get you convicted of child abuse is way too high.

BSgoinon's picture

I disagree with this >>>By the way I was spanked once - repeat once - in my life time ***which is proof in and of itself that spanking isn't necessary.***

Stressed19's picture

Let dad handle the physical discipline. Definitely not your place even if he agrees. I lil person only needs one good one to know who is boss.. It is important to be consistent and know the rules.. What is acceptable behavior and what is not!!! They need to be taught this early one... You do not need to hit him to make him understand.. If dad is on the same page with you... Definitley do not give in to a temper tantrum...!!! Dad gives him a good wack after a couple of verbal warning, trust me kids understand... You obvuously have to repeat the same directions various times and model what the correct behavor is... good luck.

Anywho78's picture

I would most certainly spank my SKids if my SO gave me approval to do so. He is pathetically anti-spanking though so...yeah. He has approved of me doing any/all punishments that he is dishing out but not spankings.

In the state of Texas, a parent can give permission to any other *responsible* adult to administer corporal punishment & by law, there is nothing that BM can do about it.

My Skids BM (Nasty) got mad at me for having SS write sentences. Nothing I do or do not do would make her happy but then...I don't care. Smile

smartone's picture

Good points above, and I'm shocked that you would refer to a 1 yr 2 month old as a "bad little boy." His behaviors are normal for his age. Even if the behaviors are bad, the child is not bad. Don't ever call him a bad boy. Holy cow, that's worse then spanking him!

And no, I would never spank a skid. His father should be handling the discipline in agreement with the bm. Anyway, at his age, a child should be told no firmly, and then redirected to something he CAN do.

Lalena75's picture

BM said no regardless of it being your home your rules it is HER and your DH'S child so hands off. There are lots of other ways to punish a child.
I always start with time out both with my own and with my SO's kids. I have no problem spanking my own if it's necessary, SO's I am not so swift to and usually let him handle spankings, mind you I have permission from BM and SO if BM revokes that I won't spank them, but that won't mean I can't punish them. (I can make life very miserable without raising a hand and it's why spankings are very rare around here)
Now little kids (under 4) don't really get why their getting spanked so a time out or removing them from the problem or redirecting them to something else will work better and usually does more than a spanking will. Almost sounds like a typical little kid wanting attention and lacking the verbal skills to get across what he wants punishment won't help that teaching will.

guiltystepmom's picture can someone even think of spanking their stepkid? it is not ur kid...u have no right to touch that kid. take care of ur own! ive never even scolded my SD. shes not mine. i feed, cloth, give her everything she needs...NEEDS not WANTS, but that is it....i would never have given her mother that leverage over me....she can never say i mistreated her daughter@!!!! NEVER!

guiltystepmom's picture

i spank my kids...but that is what it is...MY KIDS! not someone else's...thats just nonsense.

Maneater's picture

No this is not a troll, it is real. I'm really shocked at how people on here are shocked about spanking a 14 month old. My best friend has 2 girls, a 4 year old & a 2 year old. When I came over her house with SS she was surprised at how much patience I had for SS & noticed that he was spoiled. She adviced me to crack down on SS before he runs all over me & she said that if it were her she would've started spanking a long time ago. By the way her 4 year old is so well behaved, she never talks back to her mom, only has to be told once what to do or not do, cleans her room every night & makes her own bed in the morning before she goes to pre-school. My friend said that she was very strict with her first daughter & she kind of felt bad so she decided to be less strict on her second daughter, but now she regrets it!!!! She says that her 2 year old can be a little devil at times & wishes she was as strict as she was with her first one.

Also grandma on BM side spanks him, & DH side of the family also spank & smack SS hand every now & then. It's just odd to me how people on here think its almost child abuse yet it is the norm in our lives. I know for sure DH was spanked as he was growing up & he is a very good man, respects both of his parents, respects authority in general. Me I was never spanked instead I was SPOILED & till this day I'm angry at my parents for it. I'm in general a good decent normal women, BUT I don't respect authority, & I was some what of a disfunctional teen growing up. Back talked all my teachers, back talked my mom & dad & left their home as soon as I turned 18 only to get slapped in the face with the REAL WORLD. Something my parents did not prepare me for!!! When I confront my parents about it their response is "well we gave you everything, we don't understand why you have so many issues as a young adult" well that's why!!! Because everything was handed to me, I don't know what it's like to work for anything & still struggle with "why is life so hard"!!!!!!!!

Invisible Woman's picture

I would never spank my son who just turned 1. Babies that young don’t understand what is going on and all it teaches them is to fear you and do what you say based on physical pain.

It sends the message that it’s okay for people that they trust to hurt them and puts them at further risk to be abused.

I understand smacking the hand of a toddler who tries to touch something on a hot stove, since you need to get the point across before they hurt themselves but I wouldn’t recommend anyone with parents who aren’t together to spank since it’s too big of a risk to be used against them.

DH threatened to spank SS (nearly 12) after he almost badly hurt our 3 year old daughter. Nothing else was getting through to him and DH was pissed off that SS didn’t care what happened.

DH didn’t even hit him and just wanted to scare him, but SS went crazy, wedged himself under the bed and wet himself.

I can’t imagine how SS spun what happened to his BM. If you saw how he reacted, you’d think his dad savagely beat him and was some horribly abusive guy. Nothing could be further from the truth but you don’t know how stepkids are going to react or what they’ll claim.

My worst fear was SS claiming he was abuse and social services taking our kids away. If one kid in the household claims to be abused, they take all the kids. Spanking isn’t worth losing your kids over.

silver ring's picture

Of course, she is. She sees you as a better mother. And all of BMs out there feel threatened by stepmothers who can do a better job.
@Kaybitesback...a child no matter their age should know what they are allowed to do and what they are not allowed to do. They need to know that pushing the TV buttons is not a game. You can tell them that doing sth. they are not supposed to do might be dangerous. Like playing around devices like TVs, plugs etc. Of course, the mother in question could move the TV set somewhere else in the house.
The point that I am trying to make is that kids need to know what their limits are when they are still little.
Spanking kids that young...i don't know if it helps, but a little pop when their hands did not hurt anyone.

bi's picture

the poor baby isn't even going to understand why he's being punished. pushing buttons, etc is as natural as breathing to a child that age!

Stressed19's picture

1 1/2 they are exploring... You can be consistent and always verbally tell the lil one that is off limits... Talk to him and tell him why..... Then tell him what are the thimgs that he can play with... Even get him his own little remote put some stickers on it and let him push away....  

Rags's picture

This is an 8yo thread.  This kid is 10 by now.  I misse that little detail when I replied to a comment on this threat a few days ago.


TeaAndCake's picture

What kind of psychopath would think it's okay to HIT a ONE YEAR OLD (and it is trying to call it 'spanking' doesn't make it any better) 

Also, when you say this 

"Now DH just has to stand up from his seat or walk over to SS & he immediatly stops" 


So basically he's becoming terrified of him? Wow well done, you've all done really well here. 

Don't be shocked when the kid grows up and starts hitting you back. Jesus wept I despair. 

Rags's picture

A swat to a diapered rump to get the attention of a toddler is one thing.  A full blown spanking is not appropriate.

Corporal punishment is a proven and effective consequence if applied appropriately for the age of the child and the nature of the offense it is being applied for, regardless of what the Pseudo Science folks like to say.  This is proven by the entire course of human history.

Sometimes only a stinging butt will reconnect a kid's brain with appropriate behaviors and make the point that what they did was not appropriate.

Take a look at the behavior of so many young people these days. Particularly Middle and High School students.  When the principal and the coach roamed the halls with a paddle on their shoulder and any number of teachers had a paddle hanging on the side of their desks in the classroom and would light up some butts when kids stepped out of line today's crap never happened..

No school shootings, no students assaulting teachers, none of the crap that the little dears pull these days.

Yes, it works.  But.... application of corporal punishment on a toddler is not appropriate beyond a swat to a diapered butt for something like sticking a table knife in a wall socket. 

Stressed19's picture

I only hit my 2 year old once, in the mouth..  It was not hard more like I skinned his mouth, but it was more the shock that got his attention. He never did that tantrum/screaming to get his way again,... talk, talk, talk, even if you thing the lil ones are not listening and do not understand... They are internalizing everything.... You need to always be aware of everyting that they are doing and teach them the correct way.... Yes, it is a lot of work, but once they are 3, you will reap the benefits!!!!! 

Stressed19's picture

This is exactly my thoughts!!! I have a 27, 22 and 20 yr old!!! Children will test you! They are very smart even at 1, they observe you! Lol They understand cause and effect..