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Adult step-daughter bossy, rude & hurtful...

ckirbytexas's picture

Long story short ~ 13 family members meet for my son's Marine Granduation in San Diego. Step-daughter Jacque, 33(my son is her 1/2 bro) was bossy & rude to just ME about everyone's plans. Nobody wanted to do what sd had in mind. She had a pissy attitude & was hurtful just torwards me. After the trip she contacted me via email & attacked me like a pitbull. She got me all wrong. Her dad is loyal to me & witnessed her behavior & via telephone tried to talk to her then she got pissy with him so he's hurt & doesnt want to talk to her.

I want to make peace but dont know how. She has me all wrong, she was mean, hurtful, harsh, rude, bossy. When I responded to her email all I said was "I'm sorry you feel that way". I swear she wanted me to fight back.

Our last comunication was started when I emailed her asking why she sent my grandson's VDay cards back. I admit i shouldnt have done that because there is no good answer in that.
SD replied: In order to be a part of their lives we needed to talk.
Me: Let's forgive ea. other, put the past behind us, especially make peace with your Dad & lets live with peace, kindness & compassion.
Sd replied: there is no peace, kindness & compassion in "this" email.
Me: Ok, I agree, we need to talk, when is a good time for you, it's up to you.
Sd replied: ok, I'll get Jason to watch the boys because I dont want any interruptions.

That was it. She never called & that was the last we communitcated.

What do I do? Any suggestions? Anybody, anybody?


alwaysanxious's picture

Why are you making any effort? She obviously is not interested. Ignore her, its not your problem or your fault. Sounds like there is something she doesn't want to let go of and you can't do anything about that.

Sorry its so much trouble. I think you and DH would be less frustrated if you didn't reward her behavior with attention and apologies. She's in her 30s whatever it is, she needs to get over it.

MamaBecky's picture

I assume you want to stay in contact with her in order to stay in contact with your Step-grandson. I dont see any other reason why anyone would want to expose themselves to someone like her. i say have your DH speak to her in regards to maintaining a relationship with his grandchild and you can see the kid when he sees his grandfather. Otherwise distance yourself from her and dont deal with her anymore. She's old enough now to have dealt with her daddy and step mommy issues...and if she hasnt she is never going to. Remove yourself from the line of fire.

LizzieA's picture

Look, she tried to ruin the occasion and make it about her. I don't know why you took on the burden to mend it--but set your mind at ease. She acted badly. She can't admit that so any "peace making" efforts are in vain. Let DH deal with her if he wants to see his GC.

Rags's picture

Just give her a sad little grin with a pathetic sigh and shake of the head (indicating that SHE is pathetic) then lay it out for her.

1) She will not be invited or attend any further family gatherings unless she calls you and her father significantly prior to the event, arranges a face to face between the three of you, apologizes for her behavior and understands that she is on double secret ZERO tolerance probation and will be shunned if she so much as frowns at a future family gathering.

2) You will continue to be pleasant to her and hold her in no ill will unless.... she causes pain to your husband or her brother. In that event she will have no interface with your family.

3) Whether she is part of the family and interfaces with you, your DH and your son is entirely up to her. Her behavior will determine her membership and participation in the family. If she chooses not to participate then so be it and she will not be invited until she re performs #1.

The point is that the only way deal with the blended family opposition when it is being unreasonable is to dictate to them exactly what they will do and when the will do it and outline and enforce the consequences if they choose not to.

My wife tried for years to work with the SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa. Each time she tried to be nice they would get nastier and push for more. Until I finally put my foot down and convinced my wife that the only way to deal with them was directly, with facts and with nothing but firm and assertive dictates with the clear message that any deviation from the CO/rules and bounds of reasonableness would be entirely unpleasant for them.

Do not give her the power over you that she currently has. Know that you are being reasonable, that she is not and do not allow her to play you and your family the way she has been.