I agree that when there is only one kid he or she does end up with more 'power' over their parents. I was one of four kids, and so everyone's thoughts & feelings had to be taken into account when decisions were made. Last summer we were due to take SS10 on holiday with us, and so one weekend with him we started a conversation about where we might like to go - 'Spain' says SS10, and then was really confused when we didn't immediately go 'OK, lets book something now'.

As to what is harder - I think it's apples & oranges! More than 1 skid (especially if they're different genders) means more bedrooms required, more outlay, competing schedules, different interests to try and bring together for family activities. However, I think an only child is more likely to get the entitlement bug!

I think it is all dependent on the parents involved. SD5 is the only child in our world right now. Her mother and her mother's family fawn all over her. You'd think she was the second coming. And SD5 totally believes that this is how life should be, but dh is very good about letting her know that sometimes things just don't revolve around her. She doesn't always get to choose where we go to eat (on the rare occasion we go out) or when dh will play with her, or what we'll talk about at the dinner table. She is allowed to do all of these things with her mother. I have heard her tell her mother (in a VERY nasty tone) that they WILL be going for pizza and they WILL get extra cheese and not a lot of sauce. I exist when SD is here. I have thoughts and needs and I don't disappear because this is HER time with daddy.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

I think it's very easy to let an only child rule the roost. Perfectson17 is an only child to me, and was an only grandchild to my parents for 15 years so yah, he called all the shots. I think my situation is opposite of what you describe because I live with perfectson and DH and I know that DH from time to time gets aggravated with the attention perfectson gets from me. But where I'm different from many here, is that I say tough crap to DH. LOL.... I've only 'got' my boy a few more months now before he starts college and is going to start breaking out on his own, then DH can have me all to himself. In the meantime, perfectson is my whole life and he comes first to me.

There you have it from a BM's perspective.

YES YES and YES! SD9 is the golden child and can do no wrong and whatever she wants. I get in trouble when I voice my opinion that she might need to be reined in a tinch. I KNOW that when we have one of our own that it'll be treated differently & that's going to cause major fights.

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I will agree, if only because I am in this situation.

DH was older when SD16 was born, and I really think he had gotten to the point of giving up on having children. So I think he viewed SD as a gift. His parents were very strict, so he went the total opposite direction. No discipline, let SD do what she wants when she wants. BM and DH divorced when SD was 2. With DH (and also with BM), she got to pick what they ate for dinner every night. DH let SD pick their activities. SD very much ruled the roost.

DH and I married when SD was 8, and by that time she was very much established as the queen of the castle. She picked where they went on vacation every year, she told DH what to do and when to do it, and he thought she was the greatest, most precocious kid ever. He would "brag" about her being a brat and said other people told him SD was a brat but he didn't see it.

I went into this thinking that when DH and I married, we would become PARTNERS. He would know I was doing what was best for SD, and he would bow to my authority when needed (like when I was alone with SD while he was at work). Nope, didn't happen that way. DH treated us like we were equals, so instead of reprimanding SD when she disobeyed me he would say, "I wish the two of you would just get along." Hey DH, way to put us on equal footing! Except she's a child and I'm the adult, get it?!

SD never got over me coming on board. She's now nearly 17 and doesn't speak to me. Last time she spoke to DH, she told him he chose me over her. No, there was no choice. I'm his wife, I never tried to interfere with their relationship. SD did that all on her own.

AlexandraL, its interesting that you bring up SD, BM, SM triangle. I do think there is some relevance to it. More interesting is my BD is having problems sharing her father with her SM. She doesn't understand why she should. It seemed better when it was just them (XH,BD, BS). Its not so much out of jealousy but more of what she's witnessing...ie...the arguments her father and SM are having. BD asks questions but gets dad dismissed by him. She's only 10 so I can why he wouldn't want to answer a child but she is legitimately confused and feels unloved over there. She doesn't understand how he can say he loves her when he's allowing the negativity in the home. She doesn't feel protected by him anymore. In her eyes he's allowing anger to invade what was a safe haven at one point. At any rate, she's seeing a therapist. I'm anxious to hear what he says. There is a triangle here for sure...but I wouldn't say its a power trip thing at least not in my case.

I don't know if it's harder, but it sure SEEMS harder living this situation! However, I place my SO to blame. He's the one who thinks the sun rises and sets on "daddy's little girl". He's the one who is frantically trying to sit next to his daughter when we all go out to dinner (his daughter could care less...she wants to sit next to my two kids!). He's the one who has EIGHT pictures of her in his bedroom (more all over his house). Ugh. Some days I think the two of them will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, her BM feels the same way, so with their 50/50 custody arrangement, SD has constant fun activities at mom's one week and dad's the next...bowling, movies, travel... SD is very sweet, but I fear that as she gets older, she will feel entitled and definitely threatened by me and my children. This is not a situation that meets my needs. I need a partner who places our relationship first.

Have you spoken with your SO about these issues?
SC

I have a SD13 who rules the roost when she is here. My son is the only child and was the only grandchild most of his life, so he is probably over indulged, but to be honest I am okay with it. He is never a problem, gets all A's, active in Scouts and soccer. So I don't believe the only child syndrome is at work here. I think it is how the parents handled the divorce with the children. My feelings are that my DH and BM did guilt parenting for so long that now this is who the child is. SS11 is never a problem. He has lived in her shadow for so long, he just goes with the flow. She on the other hand, is in complete control of everything and the minute she is not, she makes every one else miserable.
I agree with Wicked, my son comes first and always will. I put my DH first the last few years and now I won't do it anymore. He won't put me first, so why should I put him first.

I think it can happen with SS, as well. I think it's dependent on how a SO parents, the role that they place their child in, prior to re-partnering, and how much they tie their own identity to their child's. Only children have a certain set of characteristics that children in households with multiples don't-- and I'm certain that characteristics are exaggerated, etc. when divorce, as well as guilty and permissive parenting enters the picture.
My FH has a son (SS!0) and I often feel isolated, alone, etc. SS is currently going through a phase trying to get in the front seat of the car, when his dad and I might be chatting he'll come up and lie on his dad/insert himself in between us, he wants/expects to be a part of every conversation (he'll even say "could you please end your conversation now"), etc.
My advice- develop a way to communicate with your partner about it that isn't escalated, isn't accusing, and that isn't from anger. We see a therapist for this very purpose! It has helped us tremendously, although I also think that change of this magnitude takes time.
Email me and I'm happy to share what FH talked about in therapy next week-- about his own sadness and fear about his relationship with his son, that he has at the same time as the happiness and fullfillment that he has knowing he is trying to make the changes he is to have me in his life.

I can't agree more. My SD was an only child and I think it just sort of happens that in that scenario after a divorce the SD moves more into the role of peer and companion with her parents. Because it is just she and her mom or she and her dad, she gets consulted on every decision. For example before I came along this is how every decision went:

DH: SD what would you like for dinner?

SD: I want Chicken.

DH: SD What would you like to do today?

SD: I want to go to the movies.

DH: Which movie would you like to see?

and on and on it goes.

But once my BD and I were in the picture (BD was only 1 when I met DH so we hadn't started down the above path yet) everything had to be agreed upon. SD didn't like having to agree upon dinner or compromise on what channel we watched on TV. The key is your SO has to insist that she not be allowed to rule the roost. He needs to make her see that you and he make the decisions now and while she may occassionally be allowed input she is not in control.

wow I could have written this myself! I have one SD, and the situation seems like we struggle over power--always. She has struggled with it over me--I have since taken a waaayyy backseat, and with DH. BM seems to have taken on a view point of BFF to SD instead of BM.

SDs favorite line is "well my mom said I could!" like that even matters in our house. Since BM has had another child she does seem to take on a more objective perspective on SD. Yet the damage to her being SDs BFF for 10yrs has already ruined her. In my humble opinion it is to late to back track--but at least the effort is made I guess.

Now that my DH and I have 2 babies (3rd on the way) on she is quite jealous and nasty to our children. I specified a certain day for her and DH to have alone together but she treats him so badly he doesn't even want to take her--he prefers they stay home.

Alexandral
Being in a similar situation, I agree that having a SO with a female only child is difficult. Imagine my situation with no children! Believe it or not my DF actually said to me, "unlike YOU *I* know what it's like to love a child." This was right after my miscarriage and I will never forgive him for saying that.
Anyways---I feel like he has 3 spouses, 1st-exwife(got to keep her happy so he can see his kid as much as he wants), 2nd-his little princess(what his whole world revolves around), and LAST-little ole me(I get what is left over). : (