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What's the priority -- one more thing...

AlexandraL's picture

I don't think "putting your marriage first" means dismissing children's needs...99.9% of the parents consider how a decision will affect their children, whether SKs or bios?

I wasn't suggesting that the kids shouldn't be a factor in the decision making process...I feel they should but there's going to be resentment when a child becomes THE factor and that decisions will be made based on how it affects that child. I feel the kids should be a consideration but not THE deciding factor.

Also, I think it is poor parenting to make decisions based on what will or won't upset a child. You may be able to produce an insulated little world for your beloved, but at what cost? Your marriage? If it is that important for you to put the desires of your child above all else, then you shouldn't get married.

Making decisions to insulate your child from disappointment is not being a good're job as a parent is to love them and prepare them for the real world, which will NOT revolve around them, and is filled with disappointment.

It's not a coincidence that many of the children who were "insulated" and "protected" vis a vis guilt parenting are the same children on here who fail to launch. These parents set the expectation long's the PARENTS job to protect them from the disappointments and hardships of the REAL WORLD whether their 5 or 35.

I love my kids, but I want them to grow up as independent adults who can manage their own lives. If means they'll have to get disappointed along the way, so be it.


AlexandraL's picture

Thank you Steperg. Yes, all is not lost but the whole thing is a major setback for me, as the situation/moving has affected me negatively re my career and also in my personal life -- I'd be better able to manage a breakup if I had a support network in the town I live in, but they're all in another state, including my family, friends, and siblings. I'm trying to build a life for myself in this new place, but it is going to take some time.

stepkate's picture

My biological parents raised me together and are still married. I find it weird that the same things they said to me, seem to be taboo when said to a stepchild:

1. (Laughs) This is not your house. It is your home, as in a place for you to stay and somewhere for you to grow and learn to be a decent human being. You should feel comfortable in it. However, (laughs again) you pay no bills. Your room is a loan, and you make no rules.

2. You will eat what I made. You don't have to like it.

3. By the way, you don't have to like anything I tell you to do.

4. If your mom (my spouse) said no, so do I.

5. You have to learn how to be an adult before you actually are one. Thats why we give you chores. If you are an adult...lessons over, go be one.

Pantera's picture

OMG Stepkate!!! This is perfect. One time in counseling SS had said something about us being mean or something, I can't remember but I went off about how if this was done by his Dad and BM, we wouldn't be mean, that the only reason that it was different was because we are a "stepfamily". I went on to ask why stepfamilies had to act so differently, ect. The counseler agreed. I could go on and on about this subject, lol.

AlexandraL's picture

There's also a problem when you and your SO have different parenting styles/priorities and there's an expectation that you should be ok with your SO parenting his child(ren) and doing things you wouldn't do for your own kids. If I don't think it is appropriate to do x,y,z for my OWN children, how can I not be bothered and feel put out when I'm being asked to accept certain things or even PROVIDE certain things I don't give to my own biokids. Come the F on!

For instance, I don't live my life through the filter of my kids...I live my life for me and make my kids a priority...BF lives his life through the filter of SD and expects me to be ok with it when I don't even do that for my own kids!

Sorry, I can't life my life around my own kids so how can I be happy living my life around SD's life like BF?