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Can it ever work...

AlexandraL's picture

...if you really don't like your SK/SKs? Especially if there is a 50/50 custody arrangement?

I can't see myself ever wanting to live with SD again...even if that means not ever living with her father again.

Btw, my BF is "trying" to change his behavior re parenting/treating SD---trying to stop the actions that caused her to be how she is. It truly isn't her fault; she is how she is because of her mom and dad catering to her, guilt/fear parenting, having a child-centered marriage when married and a child-centered life post-divorce. The dynamic has been in place for eight years now...I am not really sure it can be changed after it's been one way for so long...

I am hoping I can feel differently if things ever ARE different...I just can't see change and BF is baffled at how to show me things have changed since we don't live together anymore and I don't ever see SD. We're deadlocked...

Looking forward to your opinions...

Comments

Mich811's picture

i guess i'd think that if BF actually does change, then sk may change...and then maybe it will be workable. not sure, it will really depend on how dedicated BF is to making it work.

AlexandraL's picture

There's nothing more frustrating than acknowledging a problem and waiting for someone else to see if they can fix it. It's driving me nuts.

I think you're probably right Mich.

Mich811's picture

Ugh, yes. That is one of the worst feelings in the world. If you love him, try. Maybe he will stop the child-centered stuff, refocus on a healthy relationship with you and see that a healthy relationship in his life is good for him AND for his child. To be honest, my DH really did change. He isn't perfect, but he is MUCH, much better, and we are much happier (and the kids seem more normal and healthy, too--with blips, of course!)

AlexandraL's picture

He realizes the errors of his ways. I am trying but I can't wait indefinitely. There are also money issues on his side, but the real issue is the child-centered life, living life for his daughter.

The situation and him being locked in the past makes it feel like I can't have what I want. I know this is not a first marriage situation, that we can't afford a child (and it is a little late for me to have another, etc), that it isn't just "us", that we won't have a honeymoon period, the kids are all already there but I just want to feel like the primary relationship is BF and me, not BF and SD, and then maybe me intersecting the edge of their relationship...

I want to know it is the two of us, a team, deciding our future, our own course...that's not too much to ask...

stepmom2one's picture

of course it can. It took years for us to figure out the situation but both my family and BMs seems to be happy/respectful to one another.

Sometimes it never gets better, it depends on the people. I think after all the years I can say I am in one of the luckier situations.

Try, try, try it is more than worth it.

AlexandraL's picture

How long did it take stepmom2one? The BM is a pain but what the real problem is the child-centered mindset of my BF...I can't deal with being the "second woman" in his life. I'm not sure he's going to be able to shift. I am in my 40s...I don't want to wait forever for a "maybe." Just conflicted...as I have been for the past year/year and a half...

I love my BF, hate his situation.

stepmom2one's picture

It was about 2 1/2 years, but what changed his mindset was us having our first BS. When our BS was about a year old it all changed, not suggesting you have a baby though Smile

And now that we are on our 3rd baby we are all doing really well. I would have never imagined that things would be as good as they are, to tell you the truth. I am so glad that I stuck it out, not just for our BSs but also our relationship.

And what changed BM? SD stopped lying and saying nasty things about me that BM believed. She also got married, had a baby of their own. So I am not sure if it was one of those things or just that she feels SD is getting older so she no longer needs to fight her "battles"----even though in reality there were no battles to fight.

PoisonApples's picture

My boyfriend changed. 4 years ago he was incapable of saying no to his kids. They ordered him around, spoke to him (and me) disrespectfully, every second of every day was spent entertaining them or catering to them.. it was awful.

It took me 3.5 years to get him to see what he was doing and why what he was doing was not good for our relationship and was bad for the skids. Getting him to realize and accept that what he was doing wrong was the hard part. Since then, I've had to support him while he changed. He stumbles sometimes, he gets angry at me sometimes but we talk about it and he's still on board. He's made huge changes. He puts me first most of the time now. He disciplines them. He tells them no. They eat what we cook or they don't eat. They get ONE activity a weekend (usually of 1-2 hours duration) where they are the focus, such as we take them somewhere or he plays with them but other than that they have to fit into our lives and we are in charge. He's really come a long way and to be honest, it's just as I'm writing this that I realize that I haven't given him all the credit for changing that he deserves.

We still have a way to go but it is possible for him to change and the kids will accept the change once they realize that it's serious. Consistency is the key.

If you love him, hang in there. Be sure to tell him when he does something right and gently help him see when he slips up. We were at the point where he perceived me as the enemy because I was always angry at him for his behaviour toward them. I had to change the way I phrased things so it was clear that it was the 2 of us, as partners, tackling this problem together rather than me forcing him to do something.

It wasn't easy but it is working.

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