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alaw1981's picture

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Wether just someone to listen or relate with... I am recently married with 3 step children. My husband's ex wife is nuts. She is so jealous of me it makes me sick to be around her. She is so competetive, hateful and vindictive. And it's all little things too. What do I do? I have come so close to telling her off or doing something physical...


happy mom's picture

Control your emotions. For most, ignore ex-wife don't stoop to her level, that is what she wants. Hating you is her problem not yours, unless she has verbally threatened you or physical threat, then you can call the police.

alaw1981's picture

Hello, thank you I do appreciate the feedback. That is right to not stoop to her level. I have felt that way many times. But when she doesn't phase me it almost makes her want to try harder to do something to annoy me. Perfect example. My husband and his kids were going to a church with his sister and her family. One day out of the blue SHE decides to attend, and most appallingly, SIT with us. Well I was nice about it and was cordial to her, to not make a scene in front of the kids. Keep in mind the whole time she was married to my husband she NEVER went to church, so he was just as floored as I was. The last straw was when the kids told us that the next Sunday she was going to TEACH Sunday school. Needless to say that Sunday we switched to a different church. Well as the months went by she has just stopped going to church. Perfect example of her trying to get to me.

Lori Fisher's picture

This happens a lot. It sounds like you are more mature than your partner's ex-wife. Stay that way -- try to keep your cool, even though it's really hard to do. Somebody has to be the grown-up! If you can keep from making things worse (like fighting or name-calling) then gradually things might get better. Mostly it takes time, the more the better. Keep trying to stay calm and mature and don't let her "win" by starting a big fight or making a bad situation worse than it is.

alaw1981's picture

Thanks Lori. I sometimes hope that I am more mature than her. Considering between the two of us I am the younger one. But age is just a number. I've never had kids naturally but I am just appaled by how someone that is a grown adult can be so childish. I will keep it in mind to always be the adult in the situation.

Lori Fisher's picture

If you're like me, you won't always keep it together. But at least I know what I'm aiming at --- being the grown-up, being the one that stays calm and doesn't get into another fight. You can do it!!!

Cindy's picture

I would pick up the phone and tell her assertively that you won't tolerate her ebhaviour - my hubby's ex used to call us before 7.00am for stupid stuff like SS has no shoes, SS wants his toy, SD needs a shirt for school. I asked my husband to talk to her about it and he didn't so I told him I would call her, well she thought she was going to get all bitchy and tell me where it was at but I stayed calm and told her not to speak to me in that way and that as this was my home she would follow my rules otherwise I'd take action, she hung up on me, called my husband and called me all kinds of names, he backed me up and the problem got resolved. Indirectly there's little you can do but directly, be assertive and take action.

williteverend's picture

of a stepmother. It is our job to take all of the anger from the X and the behavior from the stepkids - while our husbands stay in the background and pretend that his former life never happened...Not that he doesn't love his kids - he just forgets that he ever knew their mother and that she is (in most cases) a jealous psychopath. She is not worth your time or emotion...I had to confront my husband's X on one occasion and I made myself very clear on my position and I haven't talked to her since...It doesn't stop her from being jealous, but that is because she leads a miserable life of her own making. Funny how we are the target for an emotional situation that we never caused...Keep your chin up and find a friend you can talk to about this stuff and don't let this become the focus of your life...

stuckinthemiddle's picture

I am now trying to be in the same room when the ex is around just so I don't look like I am afraid of her. I know there are times when I am going to have to bite my lip and bear it (especially when I am near her and want to tell her what kind of mother I really think she is).
I think it is sometimes harder for me to deal with my BF's ex because she is not openly rude to me and only lets her close friends and his family witness how psycho she really is. Everyone else thinks she is the perfect mother.

But you know what, let this woman continue to act like the fool she is. If she knows that the things she does piss you off then she will keep doing them. She sounds just like a little brat and the way to respond is to not let her THINK that this bothers you. Just smile and go along with some of the things she does because it will only make her look stupid and she will be the one that gets pissed off.

Remember in elementary school the kid that you hated the most is the one that got on your nerves? And why did they continue to annoy you? Because you let them know it bothered you.
I think of that now that I am dealing with the ex in my life. She acts like a child and that is how I am going to have to deal with her. I'll let her throw the tantrums and look like the ass that she is.

But, by no means back down if what she is doing is openly directed towards you. Like everyone else said, keep your cool and let her know you are not going tolerate her behavior.

Amy's picture

Hello, thanks for the feedback. I just can't believe so many of us are in the same kind of situation. I will do just that, keep my cool. I haven't spoken to her in about 6 months because I couldn't stand to say hi or anything. I have just ignored her but I guess I should start to be more civil and go along with things. I agree it pisses her off more but that also makes her try harder. For her I have noticed it is a control thing. Like which side has more control over the kids. And she directs it towards me. But what I don't understand is that I don't control these kids. They're not mine and I don't intend to raise my voice or dictate them. She is just jealous of me, I think, because her kids gravitate toward me and not her.

goldenlife's picture

I know what you mean about wanting to go off onthe x! Does anyone else have fantasy fights with the ex? I'm obsessed with these running conversations in my head of what I would say and how I would respond to all of her accusations. I never,ever talk to her. I completely ignore her, which is easy because of her keeping the kids from my husband at this point. He has very little interaction as well a few e-mails when he absolutely must communicate to her. But I have these fantasies ofhow I would cut her up one side and downthe other! then I can't myself and say, "What are you doing...have you gone stark raving MAD? At least now I can post on here and have an outlet! Thank you, Lord!

happy's picture

The bad thing is I will sit and actually have the conversation. I get that from my mom. It is so strange.. But when all is said and done I feel a little better.
I really hate it when I do it..
BUt if it works it works..

Allyceson's picture

I think they're much better if they stay fantasy. I'm not even saying it because I thinks it's best for the kids- just out of pure selfishness. I would feel like I was beating my head against the wall. I know, because my hubby's mother is exactly like his ex and we've tried to get her to come to her senses about her inappropriate behavior before and I honestly think the woman would rather die than admit she is wrong for anything- even when the facts are all on the table. My blood pressure went through the roof and I was seething for days after the talk with his mother, so I can only imagine it would be worse with the ex. Don't forget what VICTIMS they are in all of this.

Allyceson's picture

That being said...I know a few well placed comments to the ex which she didn't have a chance to respond to were some comfort. LOL

goldenlife's picture

My reason for "not going there" is totally selfish too. I would never want her to know I spend a moment thinking about her or the ridiculous situation she's put us in. She's a control freak so ignoring her just kills her! Plus I never want her to be able to repeat anything negative I've said about her. She's building the wrath of his family now with her latest antics and I just sit back and smile like it doesn't bother me at all! I never enter into any discussions about her except with my two best friends and my husband. And of course, now you guys! Smile