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What would you do?!?!?!

Stepmonster1981's picture

SD7 takes 45 min every night and every morning brushing her hair and then still needs help doin it. She has long, thick kind of curly hair. When my DD8 could brush her hair I cut it off. My thinking is if you can't take care of it you don't get to have long hair. SO is now in the same mind frame. He gave SD7 4 days to brush her hair in 10 min. She couldn't do it. He wants to take SD7 tmrw and cut her hair off to just below her ears. SD7 is soooo happy about it. However BM is going to flip her damn lid and go bat shit crazy pants. I so don't want to deal with the level of crazy she is going to unleash tmrw. Ugh


Stepmonster1981's picture

SD wants it that short, she is sick of the rats nest that is her hair.

Crazytrain lol I should hand her the scissors. BM is going to loose her damn mind. LOL throw meat at her!! That would be a waste of good meat tho. Ok I will stay away

Stepmonster1981's picture

Now SO says he wants me there ahhhhh and DD8 wants layers, it's nit fair blah blah blah. Ugh

twoviewpoints's picture

If SD only was there 4dys a month, I'd say leave her hair alone. Being she's with you 50% and her hair needs attention at least twice a day for 1/2 the month, I can see why the hair is under discussion in your home.

Being it's thick and curly, I'd take her to a good salon and consult as to what you'd still be dealing with after a cut (it's still going to be thick and curly) and do a computer view of what SD would look like with this or that cut. You also should consult on what shampoo/condition and perhaps detangler would best suit SD's hair.

Stepmonster1981's picture

SO says BM will say she will do it then won't. Just so he doesn't do it. He said he will send her an email saying it's being done and that's what SD wants. Ekkkkk BM has no money to take her, crazy pants thinks not having a job is awesome so she can sleep in.

Awesome idea two Viewpoints I'm going to upload a pic of SD and see what hair styles look the best!

Stepmonster1981's picture

SO isn't cutting it so shirt she looks like a boy, will be like a longer bob cut. We would never do it out of spite. SD keeps asking and has since I've came into the picture.

Taushalove that is good advice! I wish BM would pound salt however she is a cow and still thinks she can get SO back. Bahaha that's a laugh and a half. So she is always trying to parent as if they are still together. Man she's crazy! Hmmmm I am going to talk to SO and see i
What he thinks about all the great advice! Thank you ladies! I've been a long time Lerker and just joined. A lot of these blogs and comments hav helped me thru a lot in this past year. Just saying Smile

qtpie013178's picture

Ask the child their opinion, then have DH discuss it with the mom. To cut a girl's hair any significant amount is a big deal emotionally and socially, and the child's wishes should be considered. As a BM and a SM, I think that the hair is just a symptom of a bigger issue. Maybe try to deal with the root of the problem first?

Stepmonster1981's picture

It's the type of hair she has she is mulatto. Her hair is fuzzy and a little bit of curls on the bottom. We have so many hair products I think I could sell them lol. BM doesn't actually care abou the hair it's just another control issue with her sort of say.

not your momma's picture

First, please stop using the term mulatto. It's offensive to many biracial people, myself included. Biracial or mixed race is appropriate.

That said, make sure you have the right products for her hair. If you're using a lot of products meant for straight hair, it won't help. I like Suave Professionals Sleek for shampoo and conditioner. For control in styling, I use a dollop of LA Looks Nutra Curl gel. I also like Got2Be Kinkier.

If cutting her hair will make her happy, I say go for it. But remember, taking an inch or two off her hair will cause the curls to contract. So an inch will make it look like she got 4 cut off.

Adviceneed1234's picture

I cut out a rats nest out of SD hair and BM was angry because a piece of hair wouldn't stay up for BM wedding. I would def consult BM.

tiny kitten's picture

SD7 had the same problem, but she had straight hair. She's just so... Active, that it got knots in it. Her mother refused to get it cut.
It got to the point that SO and I asked if SD wanted us to get MIL to cut her hair. Not short, just above the shoulders. SD wanted it desperately, but BM kicks up a fuss about MIL cutting SD's hair because she's not a professional. Honestly, who cares? She's good, and she doesn't charge. I let her cut my hair.
Anyway, SO was CP and had just as much right to get her hair cut as BM. So just before she left for visitation with BM, we told her that when she got back, Nanna was going to cut her hair.
When she got back, her hair was cut to her shoulders and her fringe was butchered. BM was so pissed off that MIL was going to cut SD's hair, she took her to one of those cheap, crappy walk-in places, just to keep the power. Her fringe looked crap when it got done, so BM did an equally crappy job of trying to fix it.
The problem? SD still has trouble brushing her hair. Because SO was CP for most of her life, and he has short hair, he didn't teach her the right way to brush her hair. SD now does it in a way that makes her arm hurt after two minutes. It doesn't help that SD is always acting in a way that messes up her hair, and is just generally lazy in regards to hair care.

Anyway. Advice. My advice is dependent upon your circumstances. Does your SO have primary care, 50/50, or visitation? If it's one of the first two, then I'd say he has just as much right to make decisions as BM, and if it's that much of a problem, and SD wants to do it, then if I were him, I'd get it done- though I don't know if I'd go quite that short, even if SD wanted it. I'd maybe go with chin length if she really wants it short. Compromise between ear length and shoulder length.

If he just has visitation, it's a little bit trickier. Unless there's something in the CO that gives him the power to make choices like that, there's not much he can do. Except send BM a text or email saying tht SD has trouble brushing her hair, she really wants it cut, and if BM doesn't want to do it on her time, he'd like to make an appointment on his time. It's important to SD, and it would save time and be better for everyone.
The important thing is to text or email. Don't ask in person or over the phone. Documentation and all that.

If you can't get it cut, then I've got more advice. I used to have very long hair, and it's very thick. I'd get knots the size of bird nests overnight, and they took half an hour to brush out in the shower, with conditioner. BRAID OR PLAIT HER HAIR AT NIGHT. Use a good hair tie so it doesn't fall out. It worked wonders for me. If it gets messy during the day, like my SD's does, because I love her but she's a little twit when she plays, then do it during the day, too.

Stepmonster1981's picture

We have 50/50 used to be 95/5 but BM is going for MOTY right now lol. Omg got her a crap hair cut just to feel in control! Geez!
SO and I talked SD hair will be between her ears and shoulders. DD will be happy to get layers with SD. We shall have a hair cutting party lol.thank you for All your advice, very helpful!

tiny kitten's picture

Yeah, ours is going for MOTY as well -_- Or the increase in benefits that comes with having a child 50 percent of the time.
That sounds like a good length Smile And you're very welcome, glad I could help. Good luck with it! Smile

Stepmonster1981's picture

Sorry I'm on the iPad and well you know then typos are made lol. SO said he is not going to tell BM she will make a big stink about it. BM doesn't do SD hair for school or any other time. I do. I put it in braids at night and the next morning it's knotted. It's not lack of trying, have a ton of hair products. I have super curly hair SD hair is curly at the bottom. I hope she doesn't get a fro hahahaha.

Losinghopefast no apologies needed it's all good I thank you for your input!

Taushalove SO says your awesome lol and that BM doesn't get to decide it all on her own. 1st hair cut BM left SO out and let the babysitter do it. He's still made about that. Geez it's just hair.

oneoffour's picture

If it is kept long for religious reasons ... keep out of it.

But from the sounds of things it isn't and just a BM who hasn't a clue how to take care of her daughters hair.

I would let SO lead the path on this one. Sure, BM will get pissy and is SD able to stand up to her mother? After all, you aren't spending half your month with an angry BM.

I have thick wavy hair and spend time researching the best haircut for my hair. Layers can work... or not. You don't want it turning into a frizzball. Make sure you go to a good stylist and show her what SD wants and can she get it close to that.

If this is her first haircut maybe keep some of her hair for her mother to keep (some women are like that) But when you take her to the appointment, you talk to the stylist and discuss what SD wants and then leave on some errand. I would certainly leave the final decision to SO and make sure he pays for it.

As you are not married the BM could get really nasty and waste your time having you
personally accused of assault (trust me, it happens!). So I would leave this entirely up to SO. He has 50/50 with his daughters mother, not you. Just cover yourself legally as well.

Gabriels Mom's picture

My mom never cut my hair when I was little. It was probably down to my knees maybe? I know my pony tail was long enough I could still sit on it. My Dad said that if I couldn't take care of it I couldn't have it. He took me to have it cut to my shoulders. It was very freeing for me. No crazy long pony tail, pig tails or braids to deal with. it didn't take forever to get ready in the morning.

Cuntalotapus is all about what should be HER job but she never does it. I take SS and DS to get their hair cut. Or I'll buzz it. I'm pretty good with cutting their hair I learned it by practicing on my brother }:) I've given SS a mohawk but he didn't do anything with it so DH said no more mohawks.

I know hair is different for boys. I took my niece to get her hair cut and my sister was pissed. But she didn't want long hair and my sister wouldn't let her cut it. I was wrong and I know that but my niece STILL keeps her hair cut very short. it's an adorable look for her. I'm a little different. I have really long hair I just cut it from my waist up to the middle of my back. you know because that makes a big difference in the summer LOL

JingerVZ's picture

I never knew curly hair was graded. Learned more about hair today after reading your post and googling the subject than I ever knew.

Thanks. Smile

Stepmonster1981's picture

We have a ton of products, we have talked to hair stylist. Morocon oil does nothing but make her hair look oily. I to have curly hair SD hair is straight at the top, curls on the inside of her ears and curls on the bottom.i can get her hair under control however at 7 she should know after being taught how to brush it and care for it. I've sat and braided, ponytailed, conditioned, pic combed and sat in front of a mirror with SD shoeing her how. SD woke up this morning with a HUGE smile proclaiming "I'm getting my hair cut off today!!!!!" I just said SD you know your mom is going to be mad are you ready for that? SD- oh ya I'm good I don't want hair like this anymore BM won't take me so ya, thanks SM I'm happy today! SO is going to send her a message now telling her what's going on. That should be interesting to say the least.

I thank all of you for the advise I've told SO all of it.

Stepmonster1981's picture

SD just got out of the shower, hair is just knots. DD hair is long and brushed in about 5 min SD is still brushing it and it looks and feels like it hadn't been done. Conditioned and sprayed with detangler. SD now 15 min later is still doing the same side and it's still knotted. Sprayed again and doesn't do anything.

We are going to the mall in an hour, SD and DD are getting hair cuts. I will be going to the food court or shopping. I think SO can handle it as he will have to deal with the repercussions when BM unleashes the kraken. Crazy pants is about to loose her shit. It's SO call, I told him what ever post said he weighed the options and feels he can make this call and tell crazy pants after so she isn't shocked. LOL! My lovely Sunday shall be crazy pants filled in a few hours. Oh well at least there are a few hours of quiet.

herewegoagain's picture

Devil's advocate because she's a girl and you have her 50% of the time, not full time. Let it go and find some products to help her. If this was a boy, maybe I would think that the BM might not flip out too much. But being that she is a girl and BM obviously likes her hair long, either discuss with BM and see if she agrees or let it go and get some products. If she was with you 100% of the time, I would say you get to make the decisions. But you have 50% custody, BM should also be on board. This is not to say that what you do in YOUR home is any of her business, but what you do that affects her in her home, yes, even if it is hair, will create WWIII.

JingerVZ's picture

Hair: People have problems with their hair all the time. And hair is a touchy subject for kids too. It's not as simple as people think.

Thanks to iamaSmom I now know I have 1b hair... Learned something new today!
However as a kid hair was a touchy subject for me: I am a red head and got teased for being adopted, being the helper of Satan, carrot top etc.
so I feel for kids and hair issues. Sad

Gabriels Mom's picture

I hope this isn't a stupid question but when you say brush do you mean using an actual brush?

One of my nieces is biracial. She has sideshow bob hair. Seriously poor thing. Before I could keep her overnight my sister showed me how to do her hair. I had to spray some sort of olive oil stuff on her hair and then use a wide tooth comb. I separated her hair and started detangling from the bottom. It's a pretty lengthy job. But in the end it looks beautiful and I was able to french braid it.

Bojangles's picture

I wouldn't take a 7 year old for a major haircut knowing that it would incense BM. An uncontroversial trim - yes, a significant restyle - no. Why cause all that conflict and put SD in the middle of it just because she has trouble brushing her hair? My 7 year old also has difficult curly hair but likes it long. I help her brush it out. When she's a year or 2 older it might become an issue but not at 7. I would try less confrontational approaches first: get a trim, get advice on taking care of her hair type, invest in products. DH could discuss it with BM to try to reach a mutual decision.

Stepmonster1981's picture

Well we did it. SD loves it huge smile all day. DD amd SD got the same hair cut lol they look awesome! SD talked to BM on the phone before bed like always and BM told SD she won't have curly hair anymore. Wait she said what? Hahaha Sd has curly/wavey hair def not cutting the curls out. They start at the roots but I guess BM nappy hair she wouldn't know that. SO just sent crazy pants and email telling her that it was SD decision and she is happy with it and loves it and she still has her curls. SD combed her hair in under 5 min and thought that was the coolest thing ever. Here's hoping for a quiet BM crazy pants free Sunday night!

Stepmonster1981's picture

Yes I am so happy he did it too and to see SD loving her decision was even better! BM still hasn't said anything maybe she finally realized SD can make the choice when it comes to her hair. I mean she has to wear it everyday. Hoping it says this quiet but it's doubtful.

Omg that would drive me mental. I guess if hrs not asking then it's hid problem lol

MamaFox's picture

Speaking as a woman with thick, frizzy, curly hair...(thank you Irish and American indian blood)

Short hair is a great thing, it'll seem like it's back down to her rear end by the end of the month. I don't know why but it just grows so fast.

Anyway, use a detangler spray..I highly suggest agran oil as opposed to olive oil, mix it in a spray bottle with water or even 1/3 water/oil/ infusium leave in treatment, while still damp, comb with a wide tooth comb, and then braid it or put it in a top knot with those ouchless no metal parts hair ties. NO HEAT TREATMENTS EVER!!!!!!

Oddly enough to dry it fast, get one of those shamwow towels and wrap the braid or bun with it before putting it up. I swear it works as weird as it sounds.

Bex_S's picture

I have very thick and curly hair. Believe me, it's not the kid'd fault; it takes bloody ages to brush. Instead of going drastic and cutting it off (and risking pissing off BM), would you.and SD consider getting her hair layered? It makes it so much more manageable. Oil and wide tooth combs are a curly haired girl's best friend.