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Struggling1981's picture

My SS 16 is due tomorrow for the usual routine of staying over and BM has been drinking all week so he hasn't had a shower since he was last here and has eaten utter rubbish, attitude has been appalling on the phone already stating his case that he won't get a shower and he won't be going to bed etc I don't expect him in bed early but 2am with the tv blasting out is ridiculous.OH won't challenge him on anything because he pulls the I don't want to come card if he is asked to do basic stuff grrrrr


Struggling1981's picture

Just generally ignorant and if he wants stuff he will say " I guess you better do it " his BM is the pits she's always letting him down arranging stuff and backing.out then we then the call to go and fix things which I won't do because she's abusive and calls me the fat c**t so I can't.  She literally cut his hair with a pair of kitchen scissors so I would have to take him to the barbers to remedy it as it was picture day the next day and OH was working. He is doing all the same behaviours ask him mother the way he ignores his dad the way he talk to people and the way he demands and if his needs aren't catered to immediately he is stroppy silly and is awful to my other kids I just don't like him it's hard to admit and I feel bloody awful but I don't like the kid lately he's a pain in the backside I could do without and my OH has surprised me with how weak and pathetic he is regarding disciplining this kid which has respect for him !!!! I love my OH we were friends 20 years he's my best friends brother my family and his are very close grandma to this kid is horrified by his behaviour and will say what she thinks no problem same.with bio auntie she pulls him up when he does stuff like be mean to her 6yo twin girls or he goes through grandma's wardrobes looking for soda AND sweets that she has to HIDE away from him as he takes the lot and there's lots of grandkids I could go on but without the support of this site and DH family I would've flipped I am.lucly to have the support.ive got !!

tog redux's picture

He doesn't sound very likeable, why do you feel bad for not liking him? 

16 is age of emancipation in the UK, right? Off he goes to find his own way. 

Struggling1981's picture

I don't know lol it's just a feeling of maybe I'm a bad person and it's took me a while to acknowledge that this kid is annoying and I don't particularly like him right now. I would never act in a way that caused any child harm or distress regardless of how horrible they're acting but I just find myself distancing myself more and more because if I bite my tongue any harder its gonna fall off !! I question if it's because of his mother but he is the image of his father in every way except the bad behaviour we are seeing more and more! I have 2 daughters 20 and 22 and a teenage girl and boy so I'm not new to teenagers and their antics so it's not that. My DS 10 has autism and I work with autistic children so I have a decent grasp of what is related to his ASD and what is him being a little s**t! I'm trying to rationalise it I know but bottom line , the kids not nice to be around . Constant comments sniping remarks blatant ungrateful behaviour spiteful actions selfish actions sneaky behaviour cheek downright defiance grinning at you when he does the above and the list goes on. The turning point for me was when his own bio family has a chat with me and said how are you coping he's awful at times!  Then the penny dropped and I though gosh it's not me !!! I have tried so hard to build a relationship with him but right now I think stepping back is the way forward as I'm not in a position to modify his behaviour and any attempts are thwarted by BM . My Oh has absent father guilt and an ever dwindling backbone and we were contemplating having a bio of our own !!! With that parenting I think not !!!! I won't be held to ransom by children and he clearly will whether he acknowledges it or not which means I have 2 options; leave him (that would and I don't want to basically I love the guy ) or wait it out 18 is the usual.age legally can leave school and branch out in the UK so wait for 13 months and then child support stops and he can go as me do what he wants . He's a good guy too and he doesn't deserve to be treated badly but it's a monster of his own making ! This stuff is hard :/ just venting lol sorry for the essay!  The is for taking the time to reply it's very very much appreciated x

Siemprematahari's picture

Your H needs to grow a pair and PARENT his son! This kid has two lousy parents and your H enabling this nonsense is unacceptable. No way in H@LL he would be in my house without washing his @ss and having the TV blaring at 2am. How does SS get to dictate what he does and doesn't get to do in your home? I can just imagine how the next couple of years will be if no one holds this kid accountable.

Struggling1981's picture

Plain and simple good old emotional blackmail; if he is challenged he says he doesn't want to come and that breaks DH heart and this skid knows it !! By challenged I mean like being told to get a shower!!!!

tog redux's picture

How do these men get to this point? He should be saying, "Good, don't come back until you shower. Bye."

Struggling1981's picture

I wholeheartedly agree with you all and just want to say this site has been my saviour over the last few days !!! I have had yet another conversation with my OH who has said he " daren't tell in case he doesn't wanna come " aaarrghhhhhh 

There's a back story like many of you here, mum and dad split mum was having an affair which didn't work out because partner couldn't tolerate SS !!! 

BM has overdosed we've had SS here for a few.months but he didn't like the rules and wanted to go home!  He went home ! Now we are back to weekends and I think I posted this on another blog but anyway ; the kid is addicted to soda / pop coke etc he drinks cans and cans of the stuff that I do not buy he brings it from home and hides it !!! He was exceptionally awful at Xmas asking how much his gifts were!!! He is the rudest child I have ever met and i work in schools , he has ASD but is largely doing well academically and socially has a girlfriend etc he's able to manipulate by putting on a sweet voice is how I describe it and looking into space and acting then the next minute he's texting his mother and making snide comments about his dad .

I really do not want to split with my.Oh but I cannot forsee how this is gonna work if DH doesn't man up and sort this kid out !!!

I am debating whether to try disengaging which is new to me I wondered how I do that with having 3x bio kids at home too . Any advice welcome xxx

Winterglow's picture

"he won't get a shower and he won't be going to bed "

"OK, kiddo, I'll just hose you down in the driveway and the TV and wifi cut out at 10 pm"

Struggling1981's picture

Oh how I would love to do that just to show him but he will cry and pretend to have some.kind.of malfunction then DH will be terrified he isn't gonna come and will be upset then SS will come back victorious and again like the one time I asked him to wash his greasy hair !!

Imhereagain's picture

I don't care if they pull the "I don't want to come card". Stay with your mom then. That's fine by me