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Is it even worth it? *Rant*

AinSaenz's picture

I am just at a loss right now. 

"You don't want him around" "You're always in a bad mood" these are things I hear on a daily basis during this 6 weeks of absolute torture. 

So here is the backstory. My BF and I had been together 6ish months before I met his son (Now 7), who he only sees 6 weeks during the summer due to his son living in NY with his mother, while he lives in Kansas. The roommate my BF had at the time warned me saying "He's a little a**hole". Well I thought in the back of my mind, maybe she's just not used to kids, I have a DD that is just 9 months younger so I could handle it. Boy was I wrong. He really was a little a**hole. Last summer, I put everything I had into trying to build a relationship with him in the 6 weeks I had, I was his full-time baby sitter as my BF worked full time and was taking summer college classes. By the end of last summer, I was done. I was ready to breakup with my BF and never turn back. His son and his Disney Dad parenting was taking a huge toll on me and we fought constantly.  I also miscarried during that summer. 

So the summer ended and everything went back to normal and we were okay relationship wise. My DD, BF and I are a functional little family. DD and BF grow a good bond, the following Oct I find out that I'm pregnant again. We announce it BF is over the moon, everything I great here, back in NY his son is having issues in school, fighting, stealing, not doing well academically. There isnt' a lot we can do being so far away and only having visitation. So I just kind of ignore it and focus on my pregnancy, work and school (I'm currently in RN-BSN school). I end up getting pre-eclampsia and my DS is born at 34 weeks and it's only a month before my BF son comes back, my anxiety skyrockets. 

So this summer, we have dealt with meltdowns, disrespectfulness, attitude, non-compliance and all around rudeness. Along with this I have a newborn I'm attempting to bond with while on the few weeks of maternity leave I have left. If my BF feels like I am an evil stepmom then why even be with me? I doubt we will ever get married because of his son. Every summer we have the same fight and we almost break up. 

So you can call me evil but I don't care, but I looked into my BF signing his rights way. Yes I know that sounds horrible but honestly is 6 weeks a year even worth it? His xw is remarried and his son calls his stepdad, dad. There was a hugh melt down this year where SS said that my BF wasn't his dad and we werent his family and he never wanted to come back here again. Honestly I am okay with that. His mother is toxic, he is toxic and I have two children to protect. We have to pay to have him sent back and forth between Kansas and NY. which cost us about $500+ if we drive and $700+ for plane tickets so we spend between a $1000 and $2000 for him to be a disrespectful little twat. So if he signs his rights away it saves us $400 a month ($4800 a year) (That we still have to pay durning the summer) plus $1000+ every summer in travel expenses. 

My BF says "this is what you signed up for." "You knew about him when we got together" and did I really? Was a given a chance to leave if his son and I didn't get along? I don't feel like I was. I feel like his son was pushed on me and I had to just deal with it. I never pushed my DD on him, I still don't, my xhusband and I have a great friendship so I need him to take her, he will. 

I'm tired of this 7 year old f**king up my relationship. It's stupid and BS. 

I'm done ranting. 

Thank you. 

 

***Edit: 

I guess I should clarify some things: 

1) I lost the baby 2 weeks prior to meeting his son. 
2) My DD lives with us 4 of 7 days of the week (thus the good relationship between my BF and DD) all year
3) SS was born here. DH was stationed here by USAF and xw hated it so she took off with SS when he was 7ish months and moved back to NY in the middle of the nights (she wanted to go to more exciting places other than Kansas) 
4) New baby is 2 months old now. 
5) I know signing rights away is a fantasy...

 

Comments

AlmostGone83's picture

What does your BF say about giving up his rights? As much as I’m sure his son drives you up the wall, I can’t see this ending well.

Talesofthe-twofoldmother's picture

Yes, you did know what you were signing up for, only you can't control who you fall in love with and who your heart desires. It is a double-edged sword! 

I am not passing judgement because I have a similar situation. I didn't know I was fertile I was living with my grandparents going to school and working full time about 2 weeks after I left him I was getting sick and went to the ER and found out I was 8 weeks pregnant. I was told I could never have children. 

So here I was on my way to bigger and better things and I find out I am going to have my first and only child as I am 30 he was unexpected, wasn't really planned but boy was he a blessing. So I of course like an idiot think that its best to be with DH and make a family out of it again especially for my son. Fast forward now my son is 2 months old and we are going through the same things. 

The point I'm trying to make is we got children to think about in this equation. Only so does your BF. He can't just write your SS off whether its just 6 weeks or not eventually the son will want to know more about the situation and want to possibly form a bond with his real dad "Your BF" always leave that line of connection open.

Is there a place you could get away to while SS comes to visit?

SteppedOut's picture

Is it even worth it? 

No. Not from the sound of it. "This is what you signed up for". Complete bullshit, unless he let you know his son was a little jerk that you would be required to care for and not say anything about poor behavior, etc. 

What on earth would you do if suddenly your bf got full custody? (Heaven forbid mom dies or decides she can't handle his crap behavior any more.)

Talesofthe-twofoldmother's picture

but didn't the OP say she had a miscarriage after the SS came over for that first visit and she learned that the roommate was right that he was a little a**hole? Before she got pregnant again I would have probably thought things through better. It is all I meant. 

But now that she is in the situation shes got to like your sort or saying come up with a better game plan than her emotions are letting her run through right now and I am sure with support and time she will for her kids all we can do is encourage and hope.

Petronella's picture

Your boyfriend doesn’t pay child support? His only child related expense right now is the travel costs every summer? 

tog redux's picture

Well, I can sort of see how he might be offended that you want him to sign his rights away to his son (for the record, he can't do that unless stepdad wants to adopt him).

But I can also see how you are offended that he expects you to be the full-time nanny while he works and goes to school, and that he refuses to parent his child.

So I guess the compromise is that his son goes to camp all day when he's with you in the summer, your BF does 100% of the parenting of the kid, and you focus on your son, etc, and you get away as much as you can during those 6 weeks, visit family, etc.

OR, just split up. But you really can't ask someone to give up rights to their kid. Would you ever give up rights to your son for any reason?

Created's picture

First time poster here but have been reading through and wanted to say Tog, you're a champion :) 

Totally second what you've said re OP taking care of themselves in this.

 

OP - I'm not in a similar situation practically speaking but also partnered with someone (freshly exed now as i got to the end of my rope) who has a kid with an ex. We aren't married, nor do i have any kids of my own.. but we were definitely trying to build a life together for a couple of years under really difficult circumstances.

 

All i can say is this.. your feelings are valid. In a thousand small ways this is hard. For me, i adore kids, but this is so much harder than i could have imagined in ways I'd never have thought. Tiny tiny little things that impact and for me which built up over time to the point where it was too much for me and too painful. My partner tried, god bless her (same sex rship) but things still happen and things still are.

We we're together close to 2 years and what i learnt, just recently actually, is that as much as i want things to be a certain way they just aren't. And as much as i can communicate my wants, needs and feelings (sometimes very poorly, as its so foreign to me to ask for things so it comes out all wrong and not great sometimes) my partner wont always see things the same.. and that leaves me to take care of myself and my boundaries. I was spoiled by my mum growing up (unfortunately) which meant as an adult i had pretty high expectations at times.. and its been through this and the last few months that I've just finally clicked that while i can still have expectations as i would expect my partner does of me, only i can truly decide what works for me and where i need to draw my own boundaries to take care of myself.

 

I feel your pain. I cant imagine what it would feel like to lose a child and be in that state while needing to tend to the SS - so painful. Esp if your partner doesn't see that and deeply empathise with that. That would really hurt me.

Id lovingly say to you maybe take a step back, figure out what boundaries you want to set for yourself.. eg not taking care of SS, that's your partners job, going away while he is there and doing things for yourself, financial boundaries,,,

 

Your partner mayor may not get it, get you, see things your way. 

I wouldn't encourange you to do what I've done (end the rship because i felt we couldn't overcome our differing views and approaches) but i would encourage you to try to see where you can and cant align and try to see if that will work for you moving forward. I ended mine because i had this realisation of "my god.. will the rest of my life feel like I'm asking too much, like I'm being unreasonable, like the crazy BM will always have away of sticking her far reaching arm into my life and messing with it if my partner cant set appropriate boundaries" - and that blew my mind.. along with all the other challenges our rship had. Sure, I'll have times of regretting it, and who knows if it was the right thing, but for me the exercise was really just 1) learning to experience and recognise my own needs and wants 2) understanding that the other person may not actually want things the same 3) accepting that we weren't aligned and learning that I needed to do what would be right for me in the longer term.

 

Sorry, that was a huge download and mostly my own stuff (eeek). Hopefully there's something in there for you in terms of being your own champion and best friend when your partner cant do that....

 

i wish you the best.... really sorry for how hard the last year or so much have been for you`

Curious Georgetta's picture

You are not an indentured servant or a slave. If giving up rights to a child is such a good solution, why not suggest that he give up rights to your new born? He has exactly the same relationship to your daughter as to his son.

You are choosing to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy and you chose to bring a new life into that situation.

You can find a new partner; the child has only one father.

You are the one with options that you are choosing not to exercise.

thinkthrice's picture

do NOT have a child with this man.  

GrabitAndGo's picture

Initially you didn't know what you were getting into.  After that first summer, though, you had a pretty dang good idea what the reality was.  You chose to stay, and you chose to have a child with your boyfriend,  I know you don't regret your child, but you may end up regretting who his father is.  

The chances of your boyfriend signing away rights to his older son are between extremely slim and nonexistent.  If you broach the subject with him, don't be surprised if that opens up a wealth of resentment you will hear about again and again.  

ESMOD's picture

Signing rights away is a fantasy but absolutely nothing to put voice to.

BUT... what would he do if you were not there? So... do you have family you could stay with while his son has visitation? Does your bf have family THEY could stay with during his visitation? 

Be creative. Its 6 weeks. Can you be gone a few weeks... he can do the same and only 2 weeks of gritting your teeth?

 

Harry's picture

Have dear old DH get SS into some day camp.  Sports camp. Somewhere anywhere.  SS is by you to see his father. Not you.  If his father is not home, he makes arrangements for the care of his kid. You are not the default babysitter. 

I'm out's picture

What on earth makes you think you have the right to look into him signing his rights away? Because you're the girlfriend??

My dd's dad sounds like your boyfriend...I live too far away so I wash my hands of it and you get on with it. Well you know what it takes 2 people to make a baby so 2 people should be responsible for baby.

How dare you decide that the very little help he does give with his child is not worth it. 

Let's hope you two don't break up and you're left holding baby on your own, while he moves away and gets a GIRLFRIEND  that decides your baby's not worth any effort.

AinSaenz's picture

Well to put some background to it. His XW took off with his son when SS was 7 months old. He was forced to move here when he was in the USAF and she hated it because she wanted to go somewhere exciting.  So she took the kid in the middle of the night and emptied their account and moved back to NY.  She admitted to me that she only kept his son out of spite to keep my BF miserable and that she never wanted to be a mother and that my BF ruined her life. 

I also wouldnt make it to where he only got to see his kid for 6week out of the year. A lot of BM are so spiteful which isn't good emotional for the kids. I co parent with my xh amazingly, we didn't even need a custody hearing or mediation due to being able to figure out a schedule that worked for both of us. 

I'm out's picture

Ah ok, I apologise. I assumed your bf had moved away from them and then only picked up the slack 6 weeks out of the year,  sorry I shouldn't have just assumed.

As a sm I wouldn't be able to deal with a young child for 6 weeks non stop that wasn't mine. Some people can do it, some can't and I don't even think (in my case anyway) it would have anything to do with the behaviour, even if they were a really well behaved child they can still be very demanding and time consuming and for 6 weeks without a break must be exhausting. Surely your bf can understand that? 

I would definitely stop babysitting if I were you. His son is there to see him not you. As a mother yourself you know that as much as you love your kids, the summer holidays can be quite draining sometimes if you're not getting a break somewhere along the lines. Is there no other way around it, does it really have to be the whole 6 weeks? Can't it be for a couple.of weeks and then maybe a couple.of weeks in the winter break aswell? 

momjeans's picture

You unfortunately made a bad situation even worse, by hitching your wagon to this guy via having a baby with him. 

You’re correct. This is a time to be bonding with your newborn. Not a time for low key gaslighting and backhanded comments regarding you knowing what you signed up for. 

I seriously hope you stood up for yourself and told him to GTFOH with that nonsense.