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Talked with DH about SD not giving privacy

acef92's picture

Hi everyone, in my last post I talked about SD not giving privacy. SD12 is always in my room, she always enters like it was hers and I just need my privacy. I dont like to talk with DH about SD because he is extremely defensive, some of you will understand how difficult is to make BM or  BD understand they and their children are doing wrong. 

Everyone encouraged me to do something about this situation, I really appreciate it, thank you so much to all who commented .To be honest I didnt sleep well for days thinking about it, I was afraid about DH reaction, I know is stupid but for me is a real strugle because I always have to find the way to say things to him about SD without him getting offended.

So I talked to him I let him know that was not right what SD was doing, I explained that I needed to have the liberty of be in my room in underwear, SD needs to learn to knock the door only if she needs something if the door is open she need to also knock the door and ask for permission to enter de room or to take something she needs, when there is no one in the room she can't be in our room because she has no bussines here. You could see his face that he was refusing but he knew I was right. I even told him about SIL told me this girl enters in her room and "borrow" things from her without permission and of course that was not right. He was super worried because he dont want SD feel like our room is prohibited for her because she likes to do everything with us (thats a different problem, she cant do anything by herself) and he don't want her to feel like she is bothering us (actually it si but whatever) I didnt know what to say but I told him that I was not saying she cant be in our room anymore, of course she can but, not the way she is doing it and she needs to learn too respect everyone privacy and ask for permission to enter. 

I think went really well with DH, next is talk to SD and Im so SO freaking nervous I dont want her to take things wrong because this kid is already a brat and always plays the victim so I couldnt take things getting worse. Please wish me luck, If someone have an advice for me I will appreciate it.

Comments

Stepdrama2020's picture

Let the lil kill joy play the victim, who cares! Ignore ignore and then ignore some more.

Tell her straight that your room is out of bounds. It belongs to you and big daddio. That is your private space. As adults in the home you set the rules. Everyone deserves privacy, even her. You give her space out of respect and you expect the same in return.

 

futurobrillante99's picture

"I was not saying she cant be in our room anymore, of course she can but, not the way she is doing it and she needs to learn too respect everyone privacy and ask for permission to enter"

im not sure why you said this. That leaves him to think your room is a hang out if he gives her permission. He will give her permission. 
 

Your room should be off limits for hanging out. It's YOUR room and if she can enter yours and hang out, you should be able to hang out in her room. 
 

But now you've created the rule that she needs permission to enter your room so she can deny you permission to use her room. 
 

You've given your SO the impression that you don't mind her being in your room.....but you do 

acef92's picture

I told him that only if she needs something, not to hang out for example if she needs some help with homework and my husband is working in our bedroom, she can enter only to ask about her hw and then leave and of course I will tell her the same about hanging out in her room. I also told him that this girl is always like oh I'm bored there is nothing to do, and he thinks she can be in our room and NO, I told him that if I need to spend money to buy her some stuff to keep her in her room entertained I will. He understand SD can enter in our room but only if she needs something not to hang out, thats why I told him that I needed the liberty to be in underwear in my room.

Winterglow's picture

In all circumstances and only if it's an emergency AND she has to knock and wait for an answer. 

Winterglow's picture

In all circumstances and only if it's an emergency AND she has to knock and wait for an answer. 

Ispofacto's picture

Respect for ther people's privacy and belongings is an important skill for your SD to have.

It seems like you are afraid to assert yourself.  The household rule needs to be clear and firm:  The adults bedroom is off limits to all the children.  Period. 

Otherwise you are in for endless loopholes and interpretations.

Before long the little cherub will be stealing your things and snooping through your private stuff, if she isn't already.

She isn't your buddy.  You are the adult.  You and she are not on the same level, and never will be.  Stop compromising your authority.  Put her in her place now.

She can be friends with her peers.

My parents are still married and we were never allowed in their room.

 

acef92's picture

Yes actually my parents always told me and my brother that their room and others room were private and we were not allowed to be there. For me was difficult to make my husband to understand because MIL didn't raise her children in a correct way. But you are totally right she is not my buddy, she has to stay out of my room if she gets offended well I'm sorry she can cry in her room while I am happy in my room.

tog redux's picture

I don't understand why these men don't want their kids to learn manners and considerate behavior. It should be a no brainer that she has to knock on a closed door, shouldn't it?  Instead you have to tiptoe around asserting your right to not have her barge in on you in your underwear. 

acef92's picture

I KNOW! At first I thought it was because my MIL dind't raise her children properly and she always says it, they were children with no rules. BUT after a few time of being here and reading blogs I realized is also a common things between BPs, I also don't know why they cant let their children have a correct behavior...

ESMOD's picture

Unfortunately, you have not addressed this in a way that will fix your "crying in the bathroom" issue.

You don't just have a problem with her not knocking... it's not just about not having to be fully dressed at all times.  You don't want her in there.  You don't want her and her father hanging out and watching TV.  It's not just that common courtesy issue of she needs to get permission.  You do not want her in your room. period.  

You can dance around that "well, maybe to get something".. but then you have not been clear with your husband.. and when you get upset next time.. he will be truly confused because he "did what you asked" he made his daughter ask for permission or wait for invitation.. which he freely gave.. what is the problem now????

 

There is nothing wrong with saying.  "I view our room as an adult space... and when SD wants to hang out.. you need to go to one of the other MaNY possible areas in the home instead of our room.  Also, if she does need to come ask us something or there is something she needs in our room (like what? popcorn???) she needs to knock and wait for permission before she comes in the room.  This is common courtesy... we should be knocking before entering her room too in most cases."

 

 

acef92's picture

Thank you! You are right I think I need to be more specific because you know this people always find the way. I said to him about if she needs something but I need to be clear about what does that mean. OF course I dont want her in my room I also told him that if I need to buy her some stuff to keep her entertained in her room I will.  

futurobrillante99's picture

"I also told him that if I need to buy her some stuff to keep her entertained in her room I will."

Why on earth would you be buying anything to keep her in her room?

Once again it seems like you think you're asking too much to have privacy in your bedroom. You're sweetening the deal instead of standing up for what you believe is right: You believe you deserve to have a space in the house that is off limits to anyone but you and your partner.

If there is an emergency, SD can knock. But your room is not a public room or hang out space.

Winterglow's picture

Ok, dh, until your kids and you understand privacy, you can kiss your sex life goodbye. Your call.. 

Winterglow's picture

Hey, if they walk in on you having sex, his ex could call cps. He could lose his kids. Tell him that and let it sink in... 

Enjoy! 

Survivingstephell's picture

Yeah, this happened to us.  YSS walked in on us.  Word got out and we didn't have anymore problems.  

Floral_SM's picture

You need to be firm. You are not asking for much here but your own privacy and respect that your DH needs to back up. I've told the skids straight up to get out of our bedroom and I sound like a broken record but eventually something clicked into their heads. They always hesitate at the entry to it, and when DH goes in there they hover at the entrance and then wait in the lounge. I wonder if they can still feel my laser beam stare haha. 

I taught them myself about knocking, SS got it straight away. SD on the other hand is an air head and can't grasp it, but eventually my snapping at her worked. I think I once said to DH when he used to see me snap at her, if he had a problem with our bedroom off limits, he's more than welcome to move out of it and sleep with his kids. 

I mean doesn't the thought of sleeping next to your naked wife sound more appealing to a man then sharing a single bed with a 6 or 8 year old? If he chose that over me, I wouldn't have married him in the first place though so I knew it would work. This is how I showed my DH that I want our bedroom to be seen as. Somewhere I can walk naked in freely, and him and I to be intimate in. Hopefully your DH can see your bedroom as your private sanctuary and not as another family area too. 

thinkthrice's picture

"But I don't want Damienette to feeeeeeell unweeeeeelllllcccccoooooome at our place!" (TM)

OMG Flashbacks!