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Does couples therapy help?

goincrazy.com's picture

I take my daughter to therapy weekly (she has some anxiety and I just want her to be able to talk to someone bc our house gets crazy at times) it's great, sometimes it's just her and most times it's her , I and FDH.

FDH didn't come yesterday bc he wanted to go to his 3 year old grandsons tball game (I was a little annoyed but not a big deal- it's beneficial for everyone when he's there and it helps but he wanted to be at the game)

The therapist was asking about everyone in the house whats going on, what are some issues and how is my BD doing/ reacting to those things going on around her etc....
I gave her a quick summary, nothing any different except SD15 showed up last night with her friend bc daddy is taking her shopping again and that she really hasn't been around much, I also explained that pretty much everyone in our house including the dog and cat have jealousy issues. It was a little unexpected when the therapist suggested a coworker for FDH and I to see if we would be interested....She said there are so many things going on at our house she thinks it would be beneficial.............

I have never done couples therapy and I have this weird feeling it's going to hurt more than help??? I don't know why I feel like that, maybe bc there is so much skid bullshit ??? MAybe I'm nervous bc I've never done it before I have really mixed feelings.

So FDH doesn't even ask how it went (annoyed me even more) and I brought up her suggestion. He never gave me an answer, got super defensive and said "oh, so you guys were just sitting there talking shit about me bc I wasn't there this time"???????? Are we ever going to get along like we used to? Got up and went in the other room. :O

WTF????? If it was that important to you maybe you should have came if you wanna know what we talked about!! You didn't even bother to ask now you are paranoid that we sat and talked shit about you and your kids???? WTF is therapy for??

I have my BD in therapy for a few different reasons and one of them is bc I don't want her to get stuck in the mix of all the bullshit with his kids in our house and I want her "feelings" to be heard. She's 8,I believe therapy has really helped her. I've done some therapy myself and I think it was the therapist? But it didn't help at all.

To any of you who have done couples therapy- is it worth it?? Does it get worse before it gets better? Does it make you realize this isn't even worth it?

I just feel stuck bc I really love him and want him but his kids make it super hard and stressful, my daughter is part of it too, she's not perfect but it's mostly his kids. I will be completely honest and even though he knows I can't stand his kids if I'm honest in therapy and say exactly how I feel about them he's going to be really hurt.......

Advice anyone???

phoenix410's picture

My DH and I are going to start counseling too. We have so much going on and I was over at my parent's house sobbing again last night. His kids are soulless and wretched and miserable, and I've told him I don't want my son (age 3) around them. I have developed anxiety-induced chest pains, and when things get stressful I lose my appetite, so I keep losing weight (which is good but not the way I wanted to do it).

I know counseling saved my parent's marriage, and has helped a lot of people. Do your research and find someone with good recommendations, or who someone you know has gone to.

Personally, I can't wait to go.

goincrazy.com's picture

I'm nervous! He loves me alot and we want to be together forever so I'm positive he will do it. If he doesn't I'm gonna go by myself, it can't hurt and that way I can really rant and rave }:)
I just feel like are we doomed bc we are already starting therapy?! I think it's more about the parenting and kids and that affects everything so idk......hope it helps us. I really think he needs to hear the things I'm saying from someone else, and some of the parenting issues are so obvious I don't see how a professional wouldn't agree, ya know? We are def gonna seek out someone who specializes is step/ blended families

SMof2Girls's picture

"I just feel like are we doomed bc we are already starting therapy?!"

I think just the opposite .. I think catching the problems early and addressing them in an adult way is a great sign. Relationships have problems. Relationships with stepkids and blended families have an exponentially higher number of problems. It's all in how you deal with them. And you are dealing with them the right way Smile

Jsmom's picture

Good luck finding one....That is the hard part. They say they have experience and they generally don't.

Jsmom's picture

We tried the therapy route. Did it alone and DH did it once with SD. None of it worked except my individual therapy, but I have done that on and off for many years since losing a child and husband back to back.

Couples therapy was a nightmare. We tried 4 times, but I came out looking like a lunatic and he as a control freak. We didn't speak for days after. What worked for us after quitting, was SD suing us to live with BM and him finally giving up custody. Also, we did a lot of things together as a couple. Ballroom dance lessons weekly privately helped great....You can't argue when you are both on equal footing....We both sucked at it and it was great fun...Date nights twice a month....

I know couples therapy works for some, but for us, we were arguing over things that were not really issues, like decorating the house when I moved in. What we had to discuss, never came up and that was not parenting SD16(then14) and BM's meddling in our lives.

Now, things have worked out and our marriage is back to what it was before I moved in....But, the PTSD of the drama of all of that turmoil is still there....Just waiting for the next thing for BM or SD to do to cause chaos in our lives.

I would try it once and be prepared for it not to work for you. But, at least you tried.

goincrazy.com's picture

Thanks for your honesty, I want to try it and the two things you named " not parenting SD16(then14) and BM's meddling in our lives". is EXACTLY what needs to be worked out.
And I have serious anxiety when I know SD15 is coming. The past 2 times, and the 2nd time being last night SD just showed up and FDH didn't tell me she was coming......I was so mad. He's not telling me on purpose and as an adult that lives in the house I want to know when she is coming. I need to prepare myself bc just like you said, Everytime she comes there is chaos and turmoil and my insides are in knots bc there is an entire different environment when she is around and I HATE it.

When she's there it's waiting for a meltdown from her or a mean text or call from BM.

He needs to hear what to do from a professional so it's no like I'm just bitching at him. He needs to listen, hopefully it will help

Jsmom's picture

Be prepared for the therapist to not say what you think they will. One of the ones I sought out during a particularly bad time told me to give up....Another one said the DH needed therapy himself and that he needed to let me go as well. DH didn't like any of that and still brings it up when therapy comes up in conversation. He thinks they are all quacks....

We are fine now and I believe all can heal with time and not discussing it.....BM is not a subject for us anymore and that helped tremendously....

goincrazy.com's picture

Thas exactly what I don't want to hear is to just give up........we love eachother so I want to work it out. We just need to be on the same page, hopefully we don't get a quack

Orange County Ca's picture

I can't speak about couples therapy but found therapy with my custodial kid and I to be useful. I don't see honesty being a problem IN THE LONG RUN. Of course it'll be painful but it has to be better if both of you can bring up these problems. Be prepared as it will hurt you as much as it does him.

phoenix410's picture

I think, like someone said above, that anyone who goes DOES need to be prepared to hear things you aren't expecting. But that's kind of the point when you go to an impartial third person. They're going to be honest with BOTH of you.
I sort of thought the same thing, that DH and I have only been married a few months and we need counseling?! But my dad said to look at it like the relationship is a car... we change the oil, change filters, fix rust... it's all preventative maintenance. Going to a counselor and talking to an impartial person can be enormously helpful to prevent things from getting bigger, worse, or more explosive.
I can't wait to go. I know that I can't control how DH's evil spawn act, but what I'm hoping the counselor will do is help me/us to be more proactive in keeping things from exploding, and to better react when things do go down. Because as of right now, my body is literally falling apart from the stress the soulless little brats are causing.
So, I would say, go with an open mind. Give it all you've got. Fight to the finish, fight for your relationship. If it doesn't help (the counseling), then you can say you tried, and then go try another route.
Good luck!!