The call/text that breaks the ice
Does anyone have an adult step child who ghost you until she/he is coming to visit your home? Then you hear from them via call or text informing you they will be there on xyz date and they can't wait to see "you all"? This is my YSD22 who clearly only wants a relationship with my DH (our BK's doesn't seem relevant to her either until a couple months ago). Though, she has never been disrespectful towards me and tolerates me when in my presence, she has let me know (when she was about 6) that she wished her mom and dad was married (they divorced when she was 1 y/o) and her SF and I was married. She even told me last year that my OSD does not like me because I'm standing in the way of OSD's parents (different BM) getting back together (which I never got that vibe from OSD, she knows her parents can't stand each other).
I'm okay with YSD disengagment from me and I only engage with her when she visits because of her respectful manner but am growing tired of her need to only contact me when she is going to visit. Apart of me wants to ignore her text and the other part wants to tell her she doesn't have to contact me before her visit since she doesn't any other time throughout the year. We've always had a distant relationship, unless she and OSD was mad at each other and she called me to vent or try to get my validation, which i tried to be an ear and stayed neutral. Am i overthinking this? I just want to let her know she does not need to contact me before her visits without being rude about it. Any suggestions?
I wouldn't mention it, just
I wouldn't mention it, just be happy that you have a heads up. DH and I are ghosted all the time by all three of his grown kids.
Seems like my SD57 thinks that this house is "only" her Dad's; I've had to set her straight, in actions only, but she doesn't text or call, just pops in; that shows no manners or common sense. At least your SD has manners enough to let you know.
When my SD drops in, she never knocks, just walks in and announces herself with her loud mouth. I keep the door latched and 99% of the time she "has to" knock and wait for me to come to the door. Even then she barges past me, blabbing some off the wall crap, to her Dad. Ugh.
Most young people "ghost" their parents, until they decide to come visit. They are young, have different interest, and have their own lives going. They don't even realize, most of the time, they are "ghosting" their parents.
The fact that your Skids don't like you....don't take it personal. Almost all of us here have that problem, that's why we are here venting. I wish I had never engaged and become friends with my SD, when she was in her 20's; I would not have had to disengage and we probably would have developed a much more tolerable relationship.
My SD also has told me that she hates the fact that her Dad and myself are happy, because BM and her Dad never had a loving marriage. SD has also told me she is jealous of me, she hates me, she wished I would divorce her Dad and give him back to his family; I never took him from his family to begin with. I have never interfered with Skids and my DH's relationship. Their relationship is only a product of what "they" made it. Again, don't take it personal.
Don't get involved in their young lives and especially their petty differences with each other. Just stay your distance and be civil. Even after everything my SD has said to me, I've never responded to her and we've never had words between us. I am civil and completely disengaged.
P.S. If my SD fell off the edge of the earth and ghosted me forever, I wouldn't miss her.
I guess YSD is better then
I guess YSD is better then the alternative (yours) lol. Thanks for your perspective Sammi!
I guess this is the norm for
I guess this is the norm for most SK's. I had a good relationship with both my SP's
and appreciated them. YSD has said several times, throughout the years that "she wants us to have a better relationship" and I would occasionally make an attempt to initiate contact but it never really formed.
YOu are wrong, this young
YOu are wrong, this young lady has manners, she text you that's she's coming for a visit, it's simply being polite and most of us wish we had a SD like this and not like we do have.... simply just popping up with no heads up
I do like the sound of your SD, and there's nothing wrong with her, yes you 2 might not be BFF's but we can't be friends with every one we meet, at least you respect each other enough to be polite to one another when together...
Thanks Acra for your
Thanks Acra for your bluntness! Lol. I do appreciate her politeness.
We can exchange SD's for a
We can exchange SD's for a year }:) }:) }:)
This will be your future....
SD rocks up with 6 friends in tow, demands to be fed, takes over the house, tell you to go the eff away they want your room as well, cause 7 of them can't share 2 rooms with bathrooms..... they use all the dishes in the house, spill coffee on the floor, empty the fridge to have a BBQ with guys they've picked up in a bar somewhere.... they smoke pot and hubby bubbly, burn carpets full off holes and a expensive Oregon pine dining table seating 12, their panties are strewn all over the house... apparently it's very cool to entertain guys with your g-string on the table...
Oh then they leave without informing you...... you are left with a destroyed kitchen, dirty dishes, damaged furniture..... Daddy says, Oh they are just young girls.....
It will be worse now that she does not live in this town anymore...
Thanks Acra, but no thanks!!
Thanks Acra, but no thanks!! I get your drift, I just need to put my big girl panties back on and accept the relationship for what it is, it could be worse. I see her texts as "let me break the ice I give her so I can enjoy my dad at their home" and it's just not necessary in my eyes especially, since she choose not to contact me any other time unless it suits her. It just feels like I'm being used when it comes to her and I need to work on getting those thoughts out of my head. You've opened my eyes to a different perspective, along with the other ladies. Thanks again!
This^^^^^^ It seems you have
This^^^^^^ It seems you have a treasure as far as SD's go here. You don't have to be BFF's but she should polite in that she ASKED.
I would love to trade you my Twit for her.
I agree. This one is a saint
I agree. This one is a saint compared to my SD, who never asked me if she could drop by, treated me with disgust, her maid or invisible, even though I owned the house. SD always just told Daddy who immediately said, "Yes" without checking with me first, and arrived with two over-grown dogs, one not house trained. Slammed doors in my face, had constant mumbled, sideline conversations with her husband, among other things.
Ya, I hope SD 'ghosts' me forever. LOL
I wouldn't object to her
I wouldn't object to her approach at all. SDs obviously have not a desire for a relationship with you, so unless you are desperate for one, what is the problem? If you don't want her to text you, then maybe don't reply to her texts. My SDs in their early 20s visit for a meal, once or twice a year, the rest of the time I am more than happy not to hear from them. DH meets them somewhere every few weeks.
Thanks Kas! I see that now
Thanks Kas! I see that now lol. I'm just an all or nothing person when it comes to personal relationships. As the PP stated, the texts may just be her way of being polite.
I don't think you can hold
I don't think you can hold someone to something they said when they were 6.
Most people on Herr would complain about not getting a call. It sounds like you both are okay with keeping each other at arm's length -why start not picking and cause tension?
I don't hold it against her,
I don't hold it against her, I just mentioned it say I believe she still feels that way and she keeps me at arm length because of it. I can see why it may seem like I'm nit picking lol but it's not my intent. I just wanted to see if any one else went through this and if it bothers or confuse them and if so, how do they NOT let it bother them. I guess, the bottom line is, I had hopes of a good relationship with this SD (and she stated she wanted the same) and am a bit hurt and disappointed she is showing me otherwise.
Focused_onourlife - I can
Focused_onourlife - I can understand how you feel. It has been like that for me for years. I have just recently started to disengage and focus more on me, my husband, my children, and grandchildren. I am no longer going to put in the effort to get to know my adult stepchildren or stepgrandchildren. They have all made it clear they don't want a relationship of any kind and I have to respect that. It hurts, and sometimes I feel as if I am an "outsider" at events, and sometimes when I am excluded on events, group texts that include the BM about the sgrandchildren, reminiscing about the "old days", etc I sit there feeling like I am his "other family and or mistress". It is jealousy - IDK maybe - but it still hurts. I was very naive and thought if I was nice to them, showed them that I loved their father very much, was respectful to the their and that I wasn't a threat they would at least give me a chance. But they didn't.
My children/grandchildren live in different states I don't get to see them as often as I would like so sometimes when my husband's kids/grandchildren come around or I am excluded from an event - I feel very lonely.
I will continue to be polite, welcome them in my home as I would to any other stranger. I can't remember who it was but someone on this forum once told me to view them as "distant relatives" and that is a great way to look at it.
I have stopped asking my husband how the kids are, what are they doing, etc. Social media is filtered and just enough interaction to show an effort on my part that is it. I also told my children they no longer have to try at any kind of relationship with them...they don't try back or even acknowledge them so let it go.
This forum helps me greatly when I feel alone and confused and just need advice to continue on.
Oh Stepaside your Sk's remind
Oh Stepaside your Sk's remind me so much of my OSD (the evil one) and I'm sorry you have endured their nasty treatment. Disengagement is the best solution for this situation. I've done it with my OSD and feel so much better and happier. I had hoped of a better dynamic with my YSD but as long as she is respectful, and she is,that's all I can ask for and continue to give the same to her. Good luck with your journey and hugs to you!
Just delete it and move on,
Just delete it and move on, no need to stir the pot.
What does Ghosting mean....
What does Ghosting mean....
Abruptly stopping
Abruptly stopping communication, often resulting in ending friendships, romantic relationships.
Some people take it to the extreme of deleting and blocking their phone number, social media accounts, and face-to-face interaction by avoiding places they work, frequent, etc.
It looks like from the above,
It looks like from the above, youve gotten plenty of great advice! So Ill share my experience, just for fun.
Our sweet little Winona SD18, she likes to pop in lately, unannounced. She lived with us, while she graduated from high school, then started summer classes and a job on the weekends a few towns over. Night shift! yay!
She made friends with some co workers and stays with them now. She hasnt taken her things, she just left her (old) room a complete mess with trash everywhere, stinking and molding. She hasnt officially moved out, yet, but I felt after more than 5 months of no contact with 2 popins during the holidays, that it was TIME
So, Munchkin SD11 and I cleaned her room, and bagged her clothes, tossed 6 large bagfuls of garbage at the dump. Mucked through trash so knarly that I tossed my cookies!
in one weekend I transformed the once-rancid room into a quiet peaceful oasis that everyone now enjoys. I have a 50-gallon fish tank with beautiful koi and golds, palms, and ferns, scented candles, a white leather chair with a beautiful dark wood writing desk and a mac desktop.
Typically she has been popping by, usually in the far reaches of the morning because of her graveyard shifts at a dennys three towns over. She still has the key (WTF!!!) and scares the beejeesus out of us when we hear rattling next to our bedroom, and poke our heads, sleep still fogging our vision, and we see her. This has happend three times in 6 months. SO has mentioned changing the locks soon (YES!).
Evil grin. I am awaiting the day when:
1. Winona SD 18 creeps inside at the darktime hour, tired from a graveyard or nittime shift, pays for uber, enters residence without asking first, stomps down the hall to her previous room, and sees the quiet emptiness and everything of hers completely gone...
2. The locks are changed and she comes all the way over for some reason at the dead of morning, and oops, cant get in, pounding on the door, waking poor dadee and hes upset and angry...
Sorry, not sorry!
Thanks ladies!! I needed that
Thanks ladies!! I needed that reality check. Though, YSD didn't ask me, she told me and at least she texted me to get my reaction. Your words have definitely given me a different outlook to her and my dynamic. This is why I love this site!