You are here

YSD Didn't Come Over this Weekend

TwoOfUs's picture

So. YSD was supposed to come for visitation this weekend and didn't.

I asked DH about it and he was cagey...then told me that he texted and didn't get a response but I'm welcome to reach out to her if I want to.

I've always had a good relationship with YSD, though in recent years she's gotten crazy annoying. But I don't feel like I should be getting in the middle of this.

I pressed a little with DH and he told me that he expressed disapproval of her on-again, off-again boyfriend when they were having lunch and talking about the schedule, and YSD left in a huff.

(For background...this kid is in his first year of college and YSD is not, so he basically dates YSD again anytime he's in town and then breaks it off when he goes back to school. This cycle has been happening since this summer, and DH is sick of it bc YSD gets moody and depressed every time...and she's making college choices based on this dumb guy who's obviously not that into her...)

I told him that I was sad bc I thought we'd had a good Christmas visit and he said: "No we didn't. She was surly, refused to do anything around the house, lounged around watching dumb TV all day, had that stupid guy over...and then was rude to me, you, and my parents at my family Christmas. I wouldn't call that a good visit at all."

Anyway. DH and I had a wonderful, fun Saturday and he didn't seem to miss YSD at all...but I'm just certain that it must be bugging him. What would you do in my shoes...assuming you had a decent relationship with your skid? Quick 'Hey, what's up...why aren't you coming over?' text? Or let it be and assume it will work itself out? My gut is to do nothing.

Comments

Flying.Purple.Step.Monster's picture

I made stupid college decisions because of a boyfriend too. So wish I could go back in time and do things differently. But at that age there is nobody who would have gotten me to change my mind.

As SM I would just sit back and watch it all with popcorn.

TwoOfUs's picture

Amen.

She's being so obnoxious and hard to like lately...I'm trying so hard but just can't seem to drum up much empathy. Really disliking her lately.

Still, wish she'd wise up before making life decisions based on a boy.

SMto2's picture

Yep, I wouldn't get involved. We had about 5 years that my oldest SS did not visit. We let him work through it (while sending him cards and texts and attempted calls from my hubby every now and then.) When he had his own child unexpectedly at age 18, he suddenly and miraculously wanted a relationship with his dad, and they've been pretty close since then. I'm pretty sure nothing I would have said or done would have helped, and I'm afraid I may have said or done the wrong thing, which would have hurt.

SacrificialLamb's picture

Your gut is correct. What you described is the opposite of how it usually goes, DH was the one pointing out his DD's issues. You are right also to not get involved by reaching out to her.

The situation you described sounds like something that many families, intact ones also, go through. So I'd keep any step dynamics far away from it. Both of my bios went through phases where I was not happy with they did. I continued parenting them, and they fortunately grew out of it.

TwoOfUs's picture

I agree that this is common in intact families as well...I guess the difference is that YSD can remove herself from her dad's authority/household. Her mom is a useless pushover about stuff like this, so I don't think YSD is getting much in the way of parenting or counsel.

I know she's going to look back at this year in her life and regret it.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Stay out of it entirely. Was it you at Christmas whose DH got mad and gave you the silent treatment because you didn't play along like he wanted? If so, your DH is living in a fantasy world where he is the center of the universe and his kids and wife worship him. You all, for good reason, are challenging that perception so he's grumpy. Seems his daughter learned well from him how to behave when you don't get your way...

TwoOfUs's picture

Well, I didn't update, but we actually talked about that and he was upset / hurt by his kids that night, which I understand. Particularly YSD. I don't think he expects to be worshipped or at the center of my life...or theirs...but he does expect some kind of consideration...which I don't think is wrong. In general, he lets his kids be themselves and supports them. He's feeling more and more like the kids only come to him when they need something but spend their time and energy on their mom.

I do hope he and YSD can work it out...they've always been close until recently.

TwoOfUs's picture

You're right...and normally he doesn't. He really doesn't place many expectations on me as a SM...and even tells me that he doesn't expect me to behave a certain way or develop relationships with his kids. I do have a cordial relationship with all of them and even enjoy spending time with them...sometimes.

I think he felt disappointed this holiday season, and I don't blame him. I feel that saying things along the lines of..."Well, you can reach out if you want to" DOES place an expectation on me, though...even if that's not what he means to do. I should probably just take him at his word that he doesn't expect my help or participation and be involved when I feel like it...feel comfortable...and not feel guilty when I don't.

lieutenant_dad's picture

I love my parents equally, but I do interact with them differently because of our personalities.

I'm much closer to my mom and my brother is much closer to my dad. My sister bounces between the two, but I think that is more due to age than anything. As teens, we each drew very clear lines in the sand of who our "favored" parent was, and those lines started disappearing as we got into our mid-20s (sister is still younger than that, so we'll see if it holds true).

The lines we drew, though, were based heavily on who we spent more time with and who we meshed with personality-wise. It didn't mean we hated the other parent, just that, as stupid young adults, we couldn't see past our own noses to care about how our actions felt to our parents, partially because we knew we loved them and thought it was enough.

I'm not saying your steps can't be monsters and will only treat their dad like an ATM/fixer-upper or whatever else, but based on how you describe them, I think they are just being stupid young adults. I think they (minus YSD because of her age) are starting to see the flaws in their BM and the good their dad does. I think their relationships will improve, but it will take time. Your DH pushing will likely just make it take longer.

Your DH has my sympathy, but he shouldn't take it out on you. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it.

TwoOfUs's picture

This is all very true and very helpful...thank you.

I was always super close to my dad, and then I lost him young (he had just turned 49, I was 28 when he passed away). I think, sometimes, I get extra frustrated with my skids when they're rude or dismissive to their dad because of my own baggage in that area. I feel like they're almost...ungrateful. They have a great dad, and they've missed out due to their actions.

And, you're right that the older two are starting to realize what they have and are developing strong, adult relationships with him. I feel like YSD might be getting lost in the shuffle because DH is too beat down and too tired to really fight it anymore so he's just letting her do what she's going to do...I'm wondering if that comes across to her as though he cares less? I know for a fact he cares deeply.

Anyway. You're right. It's not mine to fix. And, based on the other two and on YSD as a child...I think they have a strong foundation to fall back on and build on once she does come around.

momjeans's picture

I would probably do nothing, too.

Despite how hurt he is regarding how Christmas went, I admire his very real, observant and mature response.

I’m glad you two had fun!