Why 2 steps forward 1 back?
The kids have been with us a few days now for the hoilday.
Until today things have been going great.
Then out of no where the little one has another "accident".
This is getting rediculaus. Excuse is "I was busy." Well guess were back to being on the toilet every hour.
What bothers me is even after SO figure out he did it and tells the kid to clean up the boy goes back to playing. He went to get clean clothes... then doesn't come out of his room.
It disgust me that the kid is just fine sitting in his own feces. No clue when he did it in the first place then after being told to change he's all happy to sit right back down and play with blocks.
And after no accidents in our home for almost 2 weeks. WTH.... again the kid has seen a medical doctor. BM was told to take the child to a therapist but I guess she's fine just letting him sit in litteral s*!#.
SO of course will be handling this but I hate it for him because it becomes a battle.
I just wish when he's had an accident he'd atleast clean up after. That's the part that really makes me sick. He poops and doesn't care.
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How old is he? The odd
How old is he? The odd accident is quite normal even if he's at school. Back to the toilet every hour? Why? Maybe this is how he's getting attention.
OMG.... I just got home from
OMG.... I just got home from work. SO is getting a quick nap. I ask the kid to do something and he stinks. Says he couldn't find underwear when I asked him. Didn't say a single thing to his dad about it.
Asked my partner who said before he laid down he had the kid go to the bathroom....
Seripusly.... this kid.
A change in toileting habits
A change in toileting habits can be a sign of abuse. You mentioned BM bringing lots of men home - any chance something has happened or is currently happening? A therapist should be able to find the truth.
I can't remember - why hasn't DH taken him to a therapist? Since divorce and CO are not final, why can't DH just take him?
Because his time with the
Because his time with the children is restricted to weekends and hoildays.
She is controlling of the access to doctors and won't allow him to take them himself.
Doctors around here won't see the kids without consent of both parents.
Yes it's possible something happened but the kid hasn't said anything that would allow SO to claim protective custody.
Honestly the instability BM shows is enough to upset the child.
How is she controlling his
How is she controlling his access to doctors? They aren’t divorced and there is no CO, where does it say he cannot take kids to a doctor? Especially if they are married? There are no Law that married couples must agree on doctors appointments. Rules that apply to divorced people with CO don’t apply here. I Understand they don’t live together but would doctor ask about that? She makes doctors appointments, why can’t he? You keep saying she isn’t allowing it, but how?
The insurance is in her name
The insurance is in her name and he is not on it. The offices call her and she cancels the appointment. Therpay is VERY expensive without the insurance.
During the summer we did try to take the child to a doctor. For no emergency style appointments they wanted to basicly transfer all his care to them as if he would be a long term patient which involved getting medical records. She found out and that was wonderful.
Therapist many times will refuse to see a child without both parents on board. Even more unlikely since he is the noncustodial parent.
Right now there is no CO. He pisses her off enough she just doesn't let him see the kids for a few wonderful months and there's nothing he can legally do. He tires to do that the kids get taken because they go to school in mom's city.
Get a water tight CO...stat!
Get a water tight CO...stat!
Therapy is expensive, I know
Therapy is expensive, I know that, but one appointment won’t make him destitute. Yes they might refuse to see SS but they might not. Did he try? If there is no CO and no divorce how is he a noncustodial? Does he not share legal custody? If BM is that uncooperative your SO really made huge mistakes giving her all the powers. It was a terrible move to move away and give up a visitation during the week, that would be a great time for appointment.
I think your SS might need more than a therapy appointment. Pooping and sitting at it at 5 is very very unusual.
I've explained before the
I've explained before the logic of the move.
As someone who works in mental health and has a therapist on stand by for myself I know that 1 meeting doesn't do a thing. It can actually make things worse. Minimal amount of sessions is normally 4 to 6. That's about $600 to $900 without insurance.
One meeting might be enough
One meeting might be enough for a therapist to determine if there is some kind of abuse going on. The therapist would then be mandated to report the abuse. After all this time, there has to be some way your SO can get the kid to a therapist.
If he takes them she will
If he takes them she will prevent him from seeing them further until there is a CO demanding it. She's done it before to spite him.
In my experience therapist use the first session go figure out if there are any mental issues and gain basic information. If there is abuse the kids are locked up about it and it will take time.
We do not directly ask but we use teaching moments. The kids are informed about their bodies being their own. Respect each other. If anyone hurts you tell an adult like mom, dad, me, teacher, ect..
If there is something I don't see him saying yes in the first 50 minute session (you never get a full hour.) There are no marks on the kid. SO still has to supervise bathroom stuff / showers because of this. Of course not with the girl whose 8 but she shows no fear of stepping out wrapped in a towel though we are pushing privacy.
We also know mom integrates them and speaks badly about us in some form. This isn't abuse exactly but would for sure cause issues.
The oldest is on edge whenever we pick them up and stop to say hi to any of his friends. These people are completely safe. They have never been around the children alone and it's not long but BM talks badly about it saying dad can't do it so it puts the oldest on edge. Things like this could come out in that first session but what does the therapist do with that information? It's not abuse.
I suppose I may have
I suppose I may have different priorities than some, but I would think taking some cash out of that safety box the father is keeping his whole years worth of CS in (waiting to set up a state account so not considered a 'gift') would be well worth 'gifting' one's children under the current circumstances.
I'd rather 'gift' my child the attempt of providing a health well adjusted current life than wait just to get credit for the cash. Especially considering the father is gong for VA disability and supposedly about to get additional monthly cash coming in... he could easily make up the arrears in short time.
ETA... no, of course you don't have to explain any logic in whatever you and/or the father use to justify your decisions.
As I said above somewhere but
As I said above somewhere but to clearify. BM has made it clear that if he does this without her consent she will withhold the children as she is able to do.
Yes we could put him into contempt the second the order gets done to try and take them 1 time but then he doesn't see his kids for maybe a few months to a year or more
I'm beginning to think there
I'm beginning to think there is more going on here- if this child was fully toilet trained and is now reverting back to toddler behaviour. I would say there is something more going on in his head. Children are not always encouraged to articulate their feelings or even be aware of them. I think the soiling is a cry for the help and attention he received as a toddler. I think therapy will help to get to the reality of what is going on here. I would not be comfortable with the child being blamed for anything- maybe shitting his pants is the only bit of control he has in his life,or maybe he is frightened. It isn't a simple matter of his being 'too busy.'
We are doing all we can to
We are doing all we can to communicate with the kid but we can't. The kid completely reverts when you start asking direct questions.
"Why didn't you change?"
Won't look at you, wiggled around, mumbles incomplete nonsense, 5 minutes later "No underwear."
"Why didn't you ask for clean underwear?"
Mumble baby voice finally something like "pooped pants."
"Why didn't you go to the bathroom?"
Stares.
He didn't have underwear because he keeps pooping so he's running out in the time it takes to wash them. I just bought a 10 pack for him last month.
Both the kids are terrified when they are in trouble. Even if it's just me with them and I have never struck or screamed at or anything excessive to either of them. I'm a sit down and talk or if need they get a few minutes of time out for bigger issues like fighting / hitting. This is part of the reason we've been pushing for therapy.
We've been trying to get therapy for over a year. This is just another reason for the little one. BM was told by a medical professional to take the child and she's spent a month popping out new excusses. We're now having to wait for the hoildays to be over. Once the kids are back in school SO will start pressing again.
We've done our best to be gentle about this issue. The worst thing is him having to step away to sit down every few hours. That's basic potty training. Our other option is to keep ignoring and let him poop in his underwear 1 to 2 times a day. We don't punish him for it because I know that goes against medical and mental health advice.
How on earth did people/kids
How on earth did people/kids ever survive trauma or bad habits before therapy? The horrors!
Sorry, this 'therapy' push is getting ridiculous!!
IF it's discovered that bm's instability/men-rotating is the issue, what will change? You're not out hundreds/thousands just to 'confirm' something that won't change. Good ole' parenting research should/could and HAS done the trick if dad puts in the effort to help turn things around on his time.
If we spent half the time reading for solutions then seeking therapy we may get things done
We're not sitting here
We're not sitting here twiddling our thumbs waiting for the kid to see a therapist.
We're doing what we can while the kid is with us.
Oh and what did we do before therapy? Actually there's alot of great studies on that question. Mainly we locked people into prison like settings going as far as keeping them in cages even for things as small as missing a limb.
I can't say what would become of my future step son since people didn't really divorce. SO would have just beaten BM black and blue for the BS she pulled. He might have 5 kids by this point.
It's not relevant to simply say that in the good old days we did things this way because it's completely irrelevant to the way the world is at this moment.
Maybe when he has children things will be different. For now though this is what we have at our disposal and what we can offer.
I'm not giving the kid an out but I still feel both of them can benifit from having a professional to talk to about all of this. It would also help ease what worried we have concerning possible abuse. We have no proof but still.