If you have grown / teen skids nearby...do they just drop by? How do you feel about it?
So...YSD just stopped by with a friend for about 30 minutes on her way home from school. She's a senior this year so she gets out around noon.
No text. No asking. DH and I were both surprised. I have presents I'm wrapping spread out on the dining room table, too...so I had to quickly yell at her from my office not to go in there. She said OK and went down to see her dad in the basement from the outside entrance instead.
She didn't knock or ring the bell...just waltzed right in with her friend. I was doing yoga in the living room earlier today...in my underwear and sports bra. Wouldn't that have been lovely? I work from home on Fridays and it's the middle of a workday for me, so the interruption makes me feel frustrated.
I think I might feel different if she dropped by but at least knocked. Occasionally my mom will stop by on her way home from teaching...which I always enjoy. But she'll usually text first and she always knocks.
We're doing a bunch of home renovations right now...and I heard her pointing out the cool new stuff in the living room to her friend. I kind of think she just dropped by because she wanted to show off our home renovations to her friend...which also annoys me for some reason. To me, these are...the skids are finally gone or almost gone renovations. DH and I practically broke our backs scraping paint and redoing everything...and of course we paid for everything. She did nothing. How dare she come waltzing in the week after it's finished to show off to her friend. Feels like she's trying to take ownership.
I think fixing up doors / changing locks is going to be on the schedule for January.
I don't know. Am I wrong to be super annoyed? Do your older skids ever drop by unannounced? If so...how does it make you feel?
- TwoOfUs's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
There are times when I’m
There are times when I’m grateful that my skids got no lessons in how to adult, and therefore have neither cars nor driver’s licenses. And have no idea how to read a bus schedule or take a bus.
DH and I both absolutely
DH and I both absolutely loathe drop-ins. The skids know they had better call first and make sure DH is okay with them coming over. SD24 certainly learned her lesson after DH, sick and crotchety, opened the (LOCKED) door a crack and asked her what she wanted.
SD: I brought the kids to visit!
DH: You need to call first. I'm sick.
AND HE SLAMMED THE DOOR IN HER FACE.
However, our door is ALWAYS locked unless the skids are coming over. Lock that door, woman!
Yeah that is super annoying.
Yeah that is super annoying. I dread when my skids start to drive and just want to drop in. I am not giving them a key to my house because OSS snoops regardless of what age they are. I mean don't get me wrong they are always welcome to come over if they call or text first and we know that they are coming over.
Literally the weekend after
Literally the weekend after DH and I moved into the house, the front door was unlocked (never made that mistake again) and YSD and MSD just waltzed in. It made me so mad. I said "Please knock next time." and they looked at me like I was crazy.
My DH sees zero problems with anyone, including his kids to just stopping by without a warning or anything. And if I would allow it, he would see no issue with them just walking right in. We keep the doors locked though.
Since being an adult I haven't really lived around family and having to worry about this. My sister has lived close but she would always text before showing up. My mom now lives in same town but she never just drops in.
I feel like our lives are too busy for people to get the impression that it's okay to just "drop in".
I grew up in a small town so just "dropping in" was fairly normal but now as an adult I see it as rude. And I definitely make sure the skids know that. They don't come around very often been when they do 80% of the time it's them just dropping in with no notice.
My own grown bio, 22 years
My own grown bio, 22 years old, rarely ever drops by unannounced. I’m almost always given a text or call, even if they are in the neighborhood. They realize with toddlers, it can be a good or bad time. Also, DH and I lounge around in very limited clothing, so it’s a courtesy to be given the heads-up. My bio also asks before entering cupboards or the fridge. While I would never turn them away, it’s the gesture that counts, and makes me feel I did my job in raising them right - to be courteous and thankful.
My child doesn’t currently have a key to my home, but if I lived alone, they’d most likely have some sort of access.
No, you’re not wrong to be super annoyed. I’d be a bit horrified being walked in on doing yoga in my undies and sports bra. This is MY space, after all.
SD15 doesn't drive and lives
SD15 doesn't drive and lives in a town 30 minutes away, but still manages to drop by unannounced. It has always drove me crazy (it usually scares me to have someone walk though the door unexpected). DH has always seemed happy to see her so I didn't mention it to him. She usually stays about 5 minutes to drop off or pick up whatever it is she comes for and then leaves.
Over Thanksgiving break she told DH she wasn't coming to visit. I guess she changed her mind and popped in without a text or call around 9pm at night. I had a talk with DH and told him that can't happen again. What if we had decided to go away for the night to visit his family? She would have been stuck at our house without a car or even a phone to call a ride (we only use cell phones and she usually has hers taken away for bad behavior). DH talked to sd15 and BM and told them both that they have to let him know and wait for him to reply with a confirmation it's ok.
My other concern is she will be driving soon and I don't want our home to become the "bring your boyfriend over for sex because no one is home" house. My goal is to have new locks by then so it's not a possibility.
But most of all, I think it's just plain rude to not call or even knock when going to a house you don't live at. I always call and knock when visiting my parents and siblings... it's just good manners.
Thanks for your feedback.
Thanks for your feedback.
I'm torn...because YSD is here / living here sometimes. She has a room. But yes...for all of the reasons listed above and more, I feel it's weird for her to drop by unannounced and just walk in...it feels like an invasion of my space and my privacy.
When she's here during her week or weekend, I don't expect her to knock. But, then, I've kind of set aside that time in my mind as "SD Time" and am expecting her...in general, I know when she'll get home from school, when she'll get home from work...where she's going in the evenings and when she'll return.
Would it be strange or petty to ask that she knock when she comes by and it's not her week? I guess the simplest solution is to lock the doors so she has to knock...just hate that I have to be the one to remember to do this when she should be the one with...basic courtesy. However, I do understand that this still feels like her home in some ways.
By next year, when she's off at college, I will insist on notice (text or call) and knocking...
I'm the opposite. I don't
I'm the opposite.
I don't mind when the kids or skids come by, even unannounced.
My situation is different, my skids are polite, respectful and I tuely love them.
I don't really mind when anyone comes by unannounced, I like visitors and have no problem telling people it's not a good time.
But do they knock when they
But do they knock when they drop by unannounced? Or do they just walk right in like they live there?
I could do either/or. Like if she dropped by unannounced but knocked. Or if she didn't knock but I knew she was coming. It's the combo of both that makes it feel weird and invasive.
In general, I don't mind if people drop by...or if they give just a couple minutes notice. I'm pretty spontaneous and grew up in a house that had a welcoming attitude / open door to our friends and family.
Yes, they knock or call or do
Yes, they knock or call or do both. And I can definitely see how that makes a difference.
There have been times when SD has called DH and he's said come over, but hasn't told me and she'll just walk in, saying "Hello?"
That's caught me off guard but it still didn't irritate me the way it seems to irritate many SMs on here.
I honestly think the difference is the way they and DH treat me. I don't feel marginalized or second best.
I don't feel like im
I don't feel like im marginalized or second best either...at least, not any more. As the kids got older and BM had less control of them and their schedules, DH naturally started prioritizing our marriage and making it clear that we were the primary family and his primary concern. I think most of our early issues were the result of his fear and feelings of powerlessness where it concerned his kids.
And YSD and I have always had a pretty good relationship...I'd say we were closer when she was younger. I find her very annoying as a teen. But I still care about her. Just loathe the way she talks, dresses...find her a tad gross right now.
But yeah...still find being barged in on to be annoying...despite growing up in a close-knit, open door policy kind of family.
Oh, ALL teenagers are
Oh, ALL teenagers are annoying and sometimes more than a tad gross, lol. Even the ones you gave birth to!
I think we all have things that annoy or irritate us, doesn't matter if you're related to the person or not. However, if you've spent your entire life with someone, you know what bugs them and avoid doing those things if you love them. Unless you want to irritate them!
I know my bios would push the envelope when they were teens
This issue is actually what
This issue is actually what led me to make my first post here. I totally relate to feeling like it is an invasion of space and privacy. My personal preference is that they check before coming when they are with their mom. To me, it's not about this being their home, it's just common courtesy to check in before going somewhere you're not expected. It's not meant to be offensive, it's just a way to compromise so that all needs are being met.Unfortunately in my situation, this request was the trigger to a meltdown for my SD14, and things have been rocky since. I don't know if it's wrong to be super annoyed, but I know that I feel it too .
This is how I feel about
This is how I feel about it...especially when she walks right in with a new friend who I don't know at all.
It's not about whether or not it's her home. It is, kind of. As I mentioned...it really doesn't bother me when she's with us and she walks in without knocking. I'd probably find it a bit weird if she DID knock during visitation...because she's expected. Sometimes when she gets home at noon, we're not even there / have a work meeting...so knocking would make even less sense.
It's really just a matter of consideration when we're not expecting her. DH and I fairly regularly 'start things in the living room' before moving to the bedroom. I also use the living room for stretching and yoga bc it's really big and I can spread out. Presents out in the dining room...I regularly walk around in my undies or very short sleep shorts...etc.
I feel it's the same advice if I were to walk into her room without knocking when she's here. I wouldn't do that.
My SD would drop by as she
My SD would drop by as she liked - she never lived part time in my house as she was 18 when I married her Dad. Today she is banned. She has become a safety and security risk - I dont need that.
My house: you stick to the rules I have for. If you cant, dont come. Ever!